gnc13

You are absolutely right in that the truth is always the way. Up until now I have been truthful, but more careful of what I say as to not "hurt" or cause conflict. Today when I was open and honest about my feelings he got upset, worried and thinks I am leaving him.

I am not worried about him worrying, I of course want whats best for our child, but keep in mind even if I do leave him I still have to hand her over every other weekend fri-sun for visits... without me.

As a mother, I do not feel comfortable doing that and I am not sure how to become comfortable doing that.

As long as I am around, she is safe...

atalose

He is already showing you………..

OF course he does, he didn't want to be where he is now. He want to get back to his drinking and back to not caring how that makes you feel or what kind of a stable life is it for his child.

So you love him, so what, has your love for him had any impact on his drinking so far? Alcohol will always be his first love, you and your child will always come second.

You seem beaten down by his controlling persistence. You also seem afraid to tell him how you feel and what you want, are you afraid and if so, what are you afraid of?

Communication is the basis for any relationship and without that, it’s not really any kind of a good relationship.

dandylion

gnc...there are many, many parents, in this forum that have/had the same concerns. Reading how they have coped, might help you...(there are thousands of members, here)…..
There are such things as soberlink, and supervised visits, etc.....

It might be a good idea to start a separate thread, asking, specifically, how those who have faced this fear, have coped......I think it might get a lot of response...especially, if you continue to post, also.....

I see that you are in a place of lots of internal conflict. Bottom line, you want him to be sober and live a sober life....and, he looks pretty resistant--at least--at this point....(lots of red flags that say he isn't ready)…..lol...you wanted him to get sober---not just "go to rehab"with gritted teeth)…..

He still has about a couple of weeks of rehab left...?
Can you find an alanon group....many of them will let you bring the child...(I don't know how old she is)….or, start seeing our own counselor, who is schooled in alcoholism....(some people actually do both)….
You are going to need lots of support to get through this....but you CAN get through this.....as million ns of women, before you, have.....

aliciagr

The situation your in sure reminds me of what I went through. I was reading your other thread about the MIL. I will reply to that one separately.

Had a couple of questions for you. In this thread you titled it:
New Codependent. I was curious what characteristics you have that make you codependent?
Also, it looks like a lot of hope is being placed on this rehab facility by the whole family. Do you know what kind of treatment he is receiving there? What they offer?

When you were explaining how your MIL behaves, the constant reassurance to him, smoothing things over.. it jumps out at me that he has possibly developed this need to be reassured and it explains a little of his panic feelings about how things stand with you.

Thought I would mention it because my MIL really screwed up my husbands thinking, and he developed a negative inner voice, insecurities and such. A lot of these things are entwined with his addiction issues. Its really taken individual therapy for him, and family therapy for us to work through many emotions, and find the right balance of independence and healthy interdependence. Its taken a while, and oh my we still have issues with MIL behaviors.

I remember how so many things felt overwhelming to me during this period of time. my head was spinning with questions, and feelings I couldn't even truly identify. What helped me the most during that time was to seek professional counseling with a doctor qualified in addiction medicine. Looks like you have already worked with an attorney, but as was stated above - there are legal tools to help ensure your childs safety when in dads care. What really wrecked havoc on me - was that I still loved my husband and I wasn't ready to end things, but also knew we couldn't be together if things didn't change. Its a very unsettling place to be, and Im sorry your going through something similar.

velma929

If he's not learned anything new by week three,maybe he should see what the week four curriculum is.

He has a lot to do there, too.

They're still in business because it was helpful to *someone.*

The rules are there for a reason: so the addicts can work on themselves without distraction.

You can't make him stay, and if you condone him leaving, it is enabling.

I'm reminded of a friend of mine who traveled to another country, and was blown away by that community's reverence and love of children. She said, "they value children so much, I'm surprised the children aren't spoiled." I said, "if they truly value the children, they understand that spoiling them isn't in their best interest."

Opting out of treatment isn't in his best interest. He just doesn't want to be there.

Michsm

Lies lies lies thats one of the top things alcoholics do in my opinion. Talk is cheap.