Pain.

Old 08-30-2018, 11:18 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Life is good
 
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Glenjo,

How have you been doing with this?

Sometimes I feel called to sit with pain and to feel it. Especially in quiet places, out in nature. Being alone with me is important, as I get to acknowledge the strength of me. The pain gets released and transformed.
Mango212 is offline  
Old 08-30-2018, 12:14 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
Originally Posted by Mango212 View Post
Glenjo,

How have you been doing with this?

Sometimes I feel called to sit with pain and to feel it. Especially in quiet places, out in nature. Being alone with me is important, as I get to acknowledge the strength of me. The pain gets released and transformed.
It's up and down really. I'm learning to try and feel my pain instead of numbing it, I too actually go outside a lot more lately, walks, runs and listen to podcasts while I do. Can feel like walking through mud a lot of the times because it's a big overhaul of previous thinking and other times I feel really guided and progressing.

Today, I am depressed. Realised earlier it's exactly 12 weeks ago today that I flew over to see him, when it all went disasterous for us both. I haven't exercised today, did some meditation but kind of just took day to not do much (apart from some work). Im depressed because my feeling is that I'll never get over this, and not to be dramatic, but similar to how the queen described that summer where princess Diana died as one she will never understand, I feel the same about this summer. I'm doing all the recovery stuff, and having good and bad days, but on a human level, it hits me occasionally still like today, where did it all go wrong and how.
Glenjo99 is offline  
Old 08-30-2018, 12:25 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
Life is good
 
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
12 weeks hit me hard, too. Also the three month mark just after that.

Ebb and flow. Acknowledging connections in certain time periods as a part of this healing process.
Mango212 is offline  
Old 08-30-2018, 12:33 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
Originally Posted by Mango212 View Post
12 weeks hit me hard, too. Also the three month mark just after that.

Ebb and flow. Acknowledging connections in certain time periods as a part of this healing process.
Thanks for your concern mango, this site and members have been a huge support.

This is part of the process for sure. Probably never understand why, I'll try and surrender it again tomorrow but for today I'll allow myself feel the sorrow.
Glenjo99 is offline  
Old 08-30-2018, 02:41 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
Member
 
trailmix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,565
I don't know if this is helpful or not but, I'll share this.

In a totally dysfunctional relationship I was in, we broke up, but kept in contact. Long story short, decided to give it another try after about 6-8 weeks - this was my idea, I just wasn't done yet.

So we did. The good news is this "cured" me of any desire to be around this person.

I got the chance to revisit the relationship and it was a disaster. Not in the blow up fights kind of way.

The thing is I KNEW from the beginning there were red flags all over the place, but they were kind of small-ish to start and I chose to ignore them.

By the time we got to round 2, he had removed any mask of any kind of normal-ness lol. I am grateful I got to see round 2, it was no fun at all but it put to rest any idea at all that it would ever work and really, finally, a few months after that (stayed in contact again for a bit) put the idea to rest the I ever even wanted to talk to him or see him again. If he called today I would hang up, if he showed up at the door I would close it in his face. Not in anger, in indifference.

Now, why do I tell this story. Well for two reasons. I have a hunch if you spoke to the ex today, you would find a different person. He is not loaded (assuming he is still on the wagon), he isn't hiding behind any particular drug at the moment. The fact that he could really only engage with you on an intimate level when he was drunk/stoned is a pretty good reason to believe he is not who he presented himself to be.

He used drugs to behave and be someone he is not (in my case he had a personality disorder he hid, quite well, until he got tired of hiding).

So what you are missing is no longer there. He may be on the road to recovery now, but he wasn't when you were with him. Sober perhaps (that you know of, you don't really know do you?) but not in recovery.

Anyway, that's the story I wanted to tell, for what it's worth. What you are missing probably doesn't actually exist. The way he has treated you is less than stellar (understatement). Perhaps a little less sympathy for him and a little more anger at that poor treatment is on its way. I hope so for your sake.
trailmix is offline  
Old 08-30-2018, 03:08 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
I don't know if this is helpful or not but, I'll share this.

In a totally dysfunctional relationship I was in, we broke up, but kept in contact. Long story short, decided to give it another try after about 6-8 weeks - this was my idea, I just wasn't done yet.

So we did. The good news is this "cured" me of any desire to be around this person.

I got the chance to revisit the relationship and it was a disaster. Not in the blow up fights kind of way.

The thing is I KNEW from the beginning there were red flags all over the place, but they were kind of small-ish to start and I chose to ignore them.

By the time we got to round 2, he had removed any mask of any kind of normal-ness lol. I am grateful I got to see round 2, it was no fun at all but it put to rest any idea at all that it would ever work and really, finally, a few months after that (stayed in contact again for a bit) put the idea to rest the I ever even wanted to talk to him or see him again. If he called today I would hang up, if he showed up at the door I would close it in his face. Not in anger, in indifference.

Now, why do I tell this story. Well for two reasons. I have a hunch if you spoke to the ex today, you would find a different person. He is not loaded (assuming he is still on the wagon), he isn't hiding behind any particular drug at the moment. The fact that he could really only engage with you on an intimate level when he was drunk/stoned is a pretty good reason to believe he is not who he presented himself to be.

He used drugs to behave and be someone he is not (in my case he had a personality disorder he hid, quite well, until he got tired of hiding).

So what you are missing is no longer there. He may be on the road to recovery now, but he wasn't when you were with him. Sober perhaps (that you know of, you don't really know do you?) but not in recovery.

Anyway, that's the story I wanted to tell, for what it's worth. What you are missing probably doesn't actually exist. The way he has treated you is less than stellar (understatement). Perhaps a little less sympathy for him and a little more anger at that poor treatment is on its way. I hope so for your sake.
Thanks for sharing that story. I really do relate to what you were trying to say.

In the lead up to my going over to see him he was sober for 6 months though and we were in contact daily, he would video chat many times a day so we got to know each other that way, he was sober for sure as he was living at home and parents would not allow him to stay otherwise. It's that connection I miss. I know, I know I'm stuck on that

I do wonder about a personality disorder funny you mentioned that. He seemed so different when he rang after rehab I just assumed it was trauma and shock of his relapse but who knows.

I'm trying to build up my own self care now to not accept those crumbs ever again. Just letting go is hard part, although I am detaching.

Saw a quote online tonight I liked. First the pain, then the waiting, then the rising. The waiting Is where the work is done. I'm looking forward to the rising.
Glenjo99 is offline  
Old 08-31-2018, 04:35 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
Member
 
Surfbee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 330
hey Glenjo! Hope you're having a slightly easier day today. I know it's up and down but just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you, and everyone here who is grieving and missing the one they love... and again I totally relate to the way you feel.

Acceptance that it broke and it's over is the hardest part...and for me, accepting that I too had a part in the breaking is probably even the hardest bit. i.e. I allowed myself to get addicted to his problem of addiction. I allowed myself to obsess over his custody battle issues.... his depression... his anxiety. I allowed myself to get wound up and frustrated by someone else's problems, when really I should have minded my own business. I'd have been far better off and wouldn't be feeling the pain I feel now had I minded my own business. Hell, I might have stepped back a year ago, and moved on by now... OR I could have stepped back a year ago and my ex might have started picking up the slack sooner, and we might have had a real chance. I will never know that. But I do know there is a great lesson in this right now.

Had you not broken up and experienced this much pain, you wouldn't have had this *awakening* that is happening to you right now. It's painful and it sucks but it is also this amazing gift too.

I kinda want to shove the gift sometimes and go back in time ! lol , but I also want to accept and love this pain... and .... and moment to moment, take little positive action steps towards the life my heart really really wants. And that is to really just learn to love myself fully... and to be strong and compassionate alone, and be strong and compassionate in my next relationship with whoever that will be.

I admit though that I believe anything is possible in the future. I'm still holding onto a little hope that maybe my ex might get into a recovery programme... and one day we might have a real chance. But I'm wise enough now to know that it would be *uncaring of myself* to chase and expect that.

This time is yours... and if you have any hope in your heart to reconcile, I think it's okay to be open to that hope ... but also worth being open to that hope shifting towards a new hope for a new better someone in the future. Who knows what will happen. Point is, nothing can go wrong if you keep loving yourself first... and have faith that you're on the right path, no matter what feelings come up along the way.

Big hugs x
Surfbee is offline  
Old 08-31-2018, 07:42 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
Originally Posted by Surfbee View Post
hey Glenjo! Hope you're having a slightly easier day today. I know it's up and down but just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you, and everyone here who is grieving and missing the one they love... and again I totally relate to the way you feel.

Acceptance that it broke and it's over is the hardest part...and for me, accepting that I too had a part in the breaking is probably even the hardest bit. i.e. I allowed myself to get addicted to his problem of addiction. I allowed myself to obsess over his custody battle issues.... his depression... his anxiety. I allowed myself to get wound up and frustrated by someone else's problems, when really I should have minded my own business. I'd have been far better off and wouldn't be feeling the pain I feel now had I minded my own business. Hell, I might have stepped back a year ago, and moved on by now... OR I could have stepped back a year ago and my ex might have started picking up the slack sooner, and we might have had a real chance. I will never know that. But I do know there is a great lesson in this right now.

Had you not broken up and experienced this much pain, you wouldn't have had this *awakening* that is happening to you right now. It's painful and it sucks but it is also this amazing gift too.

I kinda want to shove the gift sometimes and go back in time ! lol , but I also want to accept and love this pain... and .... and moment to moment, take little positive action steps towards the life my heart really really wants. And that is to really just learn to love myself fully... and to be strong and compassionate alone, and be strong and compassionate in my next relationship with whoever that will be.

I admit though that I believe anything is possible in the future. I'm still holding onto a little hope that maybe my ex might get into a recovery programme... and one day we might have a real chance. But I'm wise enough now to know that it would be *uncaring of myself* to chase and expect that.

This time is yours... and if you have any hope in your heart to reconcile, I think it's okay to be open to that hope ... but also worth being open to that hope shifting towards a new hope for a new better someone in the future. Who knows what will happen. Point is, nothing can go wrong if you keep loving yourself first... and have faith that you're on the right path, no matter what feelings come up along the way.

Big hugs x
Thanks Surfbee

What lovely feedback. I'm having a better day today than yesterday. Yesterday was hard!

I too struggle with the acceptance that it broke, how it happened and things I could do differently. Looking at my own part in all this has been a HUGE revelation. I feel I need a t-shirt now with recovering codependent on it, as it's been the linchpin of my being able to get through the last few weeks. My shift of focus has returned to me to examine my behaviours and also to look at my own self care. I have no control over his.

When you mentioned minding my own business that jumped out at me. I feel now I should have done more of that too! I do feel there's an awakening happening as a result of the pain, it was either learn from it, or numb it but thankfully so far I've chosen to learn. If I could give the gift back, as you put it, and have him instead I probably would, no point lying, but that's not what the universe had in mind.

For now self care is becoming an obsession for me, really trying to read, journal, exercise, meditate and heal some old wounds. A long slow process.

I have decided to forget about relationships for at least a year, have no interest now, had a slip last weekend that made me realise I'm nowhere near ready for one, and I'm actually relieved I've decided to do that in lieu of looking after myself and bettering that relationship. It's like the pressure has come off (therapist told me to jump back into relationships, worst advice ever, for me). I don't want another one only with myself. Feel like I owe it to my inner child to really look at how I can build myself up, care for myself, love myself and hey maybe start really enjoying life for first time, belonging to myself only.

As for hope for the future, at the moment, my instinct is saying he won't be back, but I'm trying to place my trust in the universe for whatever is for the highest good for him and me. Who knows, if he does come back recovered and stronger to a stronger me, could be great and I'd love it. If not then I'll be ok aswell.

I agree who knows what the future holds, for you too 😉
Glenjo99 is offline  
Old 09-01-2018, 02:49 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
Member
 
Surfbee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 330
Originally Posted by Glenjo99 View Post
Thanks Surfbee

What lovely feedback. I'm having a better day today than yesterday. Yesterday was hard!

I too struggle with the acceptance that it broke, how it happened and things I could do differently. Looking at my own part in all this has been a HUGE revelation. I feel I need a t-shirt now with recovering codependent on it, as it's been the linchpin of my being able to get through the last few weeks. My shift of focus has returned to me to examine my behaviours and also to look at my own self care. I have no control over his.

When you mentioned minding my own business that jumped out at me. I feel now I should have done more of that too! I do feel there's an awakening happening as a result of the pain, it was either learn from it, or numb it but thankfully so far I've chosen to learn. If I could give the gift back, as you put it, and have him instead I probably would, no point lying, but that's not what the universe had in mind.

For now self care is becoming an obsession for me, really trying to read, journal, exercise, meditate and heal some old wounds. A long slow process.

I have decided to forget about relationships for at least a year, have no interest now, had a slip last weekend that made me realise I'm nowhere near ready for one, and I'm actually relieved I've decided to do that in lieu of looking after myself and bettering that relationship. It's like the pressure has come off (therapist told me to jump back into relationships, worst advice ever, for me). I don't want another one only with myself. Feel like I owe it to my inner child to really look at how I can build myself up, care for myself, love myself and hey maybe start really enjoying life for first time, belonging to myself only.

As for hope for the future, at the moment, my instinct is saying he won't be back, but I'm trying to place my trust in the universe for whatever is for the highest good for him and me. Who knows, if he does come back recovered and stronger to a stronger me, could be great and I'd love it. If not then I'll be ok aswell.

I agree who knows what the future holds, for you too 😉
You're doing great G ! What you said about owing it your inner child to really look at how to build yourself up and care for yourself... and making this your priority now... this really resonates with me.

I"m seeing my therapist tomorrow and hope to get back into that stuff again. We did a session last weekend where I was to walk through my lifeline and explain the moments of trauma i've experienced from birth, and in the end I burst into tears! It was amazing really, very cathartic.

I know what you mean about making self-care an obsession! I'm researching and reading constantly right now....learning as much as I can... !

I'm still feeling raw with separation anxiety though. It really hit me hard last night and tonight ... and almost reached out to my ex! But took deep breaths and listened to my intuition.... it told me I'm going to become stronger and happier for it. I just have to keep going... grace through adversity and all that.

Good article here about why we shouldn't take the path of least resistance:

https://medium.com/personal-growth/d...e-5dc7ec3f2892
Surfbee is offline  
Old 09-02-2018, 10:18 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
Originally Posted by Surfbee View Post
You're doing great G ! What you said about owing it your inner child to really look at how to build yourself up and care for yourself... and making this your priority now... this really resonates with me.

I"m seeing my therapist tomorrow and hope to get back into that stuff again. We did a session last weekend where I was to walk through my lifeline and explain the moments of trauma i've experienced from birth, and in the end I burst into tears! It was amazing really, very cathartic.

I know what you mean about making self-care an obsession! I'm researching and reading constantly right now....learning as much as I can... !

I'm still feeling raw with separation anxiety though. It really hit me hard last night and tonight ... and almost reached out to my ex! But took deep breaths and listened to my intuition.... it told me I'm going to become stronger and happier for it. I just have to keep going... grace through adversity and all that.

Good article here about why we shouldn't take the path of least resistance:

https://medium.com/personal-growth/d...e-5dc7ec3f2892
Can relate. Nearly reached out to him last night myself but thankfully didn't. Tomorrow will be a better day hopefully, it's do up and down, very emotional.
Glenjo99 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:50 AM.