pdm22

I’m a long time lurker and finally opened an account, but the reason I did is because I’m in a very similar situation (long distance friend, although in my case I’ve known the person for over 20 years, and knew him before he was an alcoholic).

Although I have a lot of experience with substance & prescription drug abuse/ alcoholism (family members/ friends of family growing up and current, friends, a few exes, working in social work for over 20 years, have known many people who have died from their substance abuse, including some family members, clients, my best friend and 3 of those exes), one thing I want to say, is the 12 step concept of “cunning, baffling, powerful” I’ve noticed can go for the people involved with the substance abuser, not just for the substance abusers themselves.

You think you’re detached, at least in the sense that you get to a point where you believe you accept people for who they are, don’t try to change them, and understand that love isn’t the magic bullet that one thinks at can be when they are new to addiction. But then it’s like in action movies (The Matrix maybe?), when there is a fight scene, a person in suspending in time and space above the fighting, safe from it, then inevitably gravity and force suck them back down into the fighting.

That’s what it feels like sometimes, funny what can sneak up on a person, even if you think you are treading carefully, setting boundaries. Also there can be a false sense of safety when you getting the “good” side of a person because you think you are safe at a distance, with texting/ controlled setting interactions. Then something happens, you’re weak from another life event, the person slips up a little/ hits a nerve, shows you who they are, not just the “cleaned up/ edited for you” version, and despite all of your years of practice and life experience, it’s like all of a sudden you’re getting sucked into a black hole..

Anyways, just my 2 scents, cunning, baffling, powerful- it can happen to anyone. :/

Seren

I've had a few moments like that early on, but no since the relationship flipped. Which actually surprises me about myself. Normally things would affect me negatively. But with this friend, I'm just able to love and not get anxious or feel the need to fix or lecture or anything else. It's been quite amazing...

I will agree, however, that F&F can get just as addicted to the alcoholics in their lives as the alcoholic is to his/her DOC.

pdm22

That’s good! Just wanted to clarify, though, it’s not even about needing to fix or lecture, or becoming addicted to the person. I didn’t mean that at all. For me personally, concepts like that seem like from another lifetime, at this point I’m more in the mindset of “this is just who they are, try to spend time with the person before they get worse/ die”. Sounds kind of grim maybe, and a bonus if the person does get better, but I don’t expect it, and understand not everyone gets better. It’s more like, “make the most of the time you have now” (as long as you are not being put in danger, which I understand can be the case with some alcoholics/ substance abusers, and I did have to do the “cut off” with some people from my past for this reason, and it was the right thing to do in those cases).

At any rate, I guess what I mean is, codependency isn’t the only way a person can get sucked in. That’s good things are positive with you & your friend, just my 2 cents from personal experience, there are other ways for substance abuse/ alcoholism to be painful/ affect the loved ones involved. Even if you see yourself as detached or you don’t have codependent tendencies (or have learned this about yourself and are working on this). Being involved with a substance abuser can do a number on a person in other ways. Hope that doesn’t happen in your case, I guess I’ve just seen so much of it, I’m kind of jaded :/ .

53500

I've had the experience of being in, or wanting, a romantic relationship with men who smoked pot regularly. It bothered me a lot. Over time, the romantic feelings disappeared although the caring and friendship remained. Once this happened I stopped knowing or caring about the pot.

Being in a romantic relationship creates a different standard.