tired090909

After a long struggle, someone close to me passed away. What do you do with this grief?

SparkleKitty

For me, I have to give myself permission, give myself the space, and give myself the time to feel it. Otherwise it eats me up.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Freedom1990

I'm sorry you lost someone.

Two years ago I lost both of my parents in less than 3 months.

Grief is a very individual thing, and no time limit.

I've done a lot of crying. I see a therapist every other week and that has helped.

I was so angry after I lost my dad. His death came out of the blue. I was pissed off at God because I was very close to my dad.

I remember being on auto-pilot for weeks, a survival technique for sure.

This is my personal experience in dealing with loss.

Sending hugs of support from Kansas, and I hope you continue to post. You have landed among friends.

tired090909

Thank you so much Freedom1990

Wamama48

Allow yourself to feel it. If you feel like crying, cry. Go to a private place if you need to. After I lost my mom I spent a LOT of time in the bathroom.

It comes in waves. You can be driving down the road, something sparks a memory, the tears well up, then your sobbing and your heart is breaking because you miss them so much. Then the wave slowly goes away. And you feel a little better, maybe smile, remembering something you both did together or just what you loved about them.

I remember at first the waves were crashing every 5 minutes! Slowly, as I allowed myself to feel everything, they came less often. Then instead of waves, good memories came.

Take however long YOU need. Grieve in a way YOU need to. You feel how you feel, they are your feelings, no one elses. Please don't listen to anyone elses opinions on how you should grieve, or for how long.

I'm so very sorry you lost your loved one. Sending love to you.

LLLisa

Yes, that's how I experience grief too. Especially when I'm driving.

The only thing I have to add is about how I have managed to continue with "regular life" while grieving:

I have to work. If I don't work full time, my kids don't eat and we'll be homeless, eventually. My job allows me 3 days of "bereavement leave". In other times in my life, I've had no such leave and just had to forge on, despite wanting/needing to curl up into a ball and weep. During these times I fake it 'till I make it. I remember scheduling "grief time" and made it occur when I had the privacy and the time and space to just feel.

I'm not here advocating for my grieving method at all, it's probably not very emotionally healthy. However, it works for me. It's not what I want and not exactly what I'd prefer or actually need, but it's all I got Sometimes I think this is a learned behavior from being so woefully co-dependent and enabling for most of my life and why some of us wives, ex-wives and partners of alcoholics are described as "hard" and "cold".

Just my musings...take care.

Seren

I am so sorry to hear about your loss! My husband passed suddenly and unexpectedly nearly 3 years ago. It takes time...

Grief, for me, comes in waves. At first those waves feel like they are going to push you under. In time, those waves become smaller and smaller, and you learn to incorporate them into your day-to-day life.

Sending many hugs and prayers...I am so sorry!

tired090909

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. The grief does indeed come in waves. I feel okay for a little while and then it hits me again. Then the memories..the good times and the bad times. I pray God grants me strength.

PhoenixJ

I am grieving from 4 different things at present. I am no superhero and am not detracting from your grief...what I do know is support for me is vital- professional, or at least from people NOT involved in my grief AND that grief HAS to be experienced.
Support to you.

Seren

Wamama and Freedom describe really well what it has been like for me...the "autopilot" kicking in...the waves of grief that feel like they won't stop.

But in time, they do. Sending many prayers for strength...and peace.

My sleep pattern completely changed. I did not sleep at all at first, then I flept for 9 to 10 hours or more a night. My nights shifted to a much earlier time...bed by 7 or 8 p.m. and awake at 3 a.m.

I don't remember much at all about the first 4 to 6 months after Mr. Seren passed. My own autopilot kicked in....believe it or not, I defended my PhD thesis, applied for jobs, interviewed for jobs, and got a job during that time. Don't remember much about it...

I cried a lot. All I wanted was a moment's peace.

It's all OK. We all process grief in our own way. Time takes time as cliche as that is...it's the truth.

Sending hugs and prayers for strength, healing, and peace.

tired090909

What makes it more difficult is that I have regrets and guilt. Things I did or said or I didn't do or didn't say. I am so sad.

Seren

Oh, tired....yes. When someone we love dies, believe it or not, we *all* have regrets and guilt. Things said, things left unsaid, things we never did because we thought there was time.

It is one of the most painful parts of grief other than just missing that person in your life.

I know...I had so much guilt after my husband passed. Questions spun through my mind about what I could have done. What if I had? Why didn't I? I played endless scenarios through my mind looking for a different outcome. Only, I couldn't change the outcome no matter what.

I am just so very sorry you have to go through this! I can only tell you that distracting myself, talking to friends, and a grief counselor helped me very much. But what helped *the* most is time...in time, these feelings won't be nearly as strong. You will be healed in the broken places...

I hope that you will keep coming here to talk it out!

trailmix

I'm very sorry you are hurting. You know, you are safe to share here. I understand that it might just be too painful to share details right now. nothing wrong with that.

That said, by sharing the feelings you are feeling and what you are going through you allow people here to support you, who understand, who can reassure and let you know how they coped and what they found helpful.

I'm glad you are posting.

ErinGoBragh

I'm very sorry for your loss. Grief is a painful but unavoidable part of life. I understand the what-if's that come along with it; things we wish we'd said or done, things we wish we hadn't said or done.

I lost my AH to complications from alcoholism 3.5 years ago. I can tell you that the waves of grief become less frequent as time passes. But I honestly can't tell you that the grief will ever completely go away. I still have times, out of the blue, when I'll just start crying. Sometimes I just have to go with the flow.

Can you meet with a grief counselor? My employer has a benefit program under the group insurance policy that gave me five free counseling sessions. It helped start the healing process for me.

FindingAmy

I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a great deal of loss this year. And I found that grief definitely has its own timeline. Allow yourself to feel everything that comes up. And sometimes it'll come up when you least expect it (food shopping, walking, a song, a commercial, etc.) . You just never know. But don't try and shut it out. Jeff Foster said "sadness doesn't want to be healed, it's wants to be held and ironically, that's how you heal". Hold the sadness, let it know it's ok because this is sad, be kind and gentle to yourself. It's not easy losing someone (or a pet, or anything else we consider dear to us). Have compassion for yourself as you would for anyone else going through this.

It will take time and how much time nobody has the answer to. Feel what you need. Find a support system. Crying is clearing and eventually the cries get shorter and shorter. I also found that after my morning meditation, or before, I would hold a picture of my loved one (my grandmother for one), remember how much she loved me and I'd just talk out loud to her, tell her how much I miss her and let out some tears.

I promise you, I know it hurts so much right now, and that's ok, and that the sun will shine very brightly again. Just take care of you. Each day ask yourself "what do I want right now? what do I need?" and give that to yourself. Be kind to you. You are going to be ok. You are loved and supported.

pdm22

Death sucks, I hate it, it’s something I will never get used to. My best friend/ person I was closest to died abruptly a few months ago as well.

Funny he and I discussed death all the time, we both had lost people/ had discussed those “I wish I had said this/ done that” type situations. The advice he always gave me, was remember the last time you saw the person/ had a nice time with the person- and remember that as being your goodbye.

He had a few other close calls prior to his actual death, and we were constantly saying “You are my best friend, I love you I love you I love you..” to each other. However, he ended up going out like a celebrity, and our last conversation was something meaningless, and he just spun out and died. Damn it all!!!

I still can’t tell how I’m doing, I’m seriously worried about falling into depression or something. But I’m trying to eat healthy, exercise, talk to people. Carry his photos around, talk to his photo sometimes. I also tend to be an intuitive type person (which at believe anyone can be with practice), and have been drinking certain teas that help with more vivid dream recall (mugwort, valerian, hibiscus). I’ve dreamed about him a few times, happy and healthy and laughing. I believe it means I’m supposed to remember him like that, and not focus on the last few weeks of his life. Those dreams do bring me comfort. I’m still shell shocked and kind of worried about how this is going to affect me long term, but a small comfort is still something. I’ll take it.

Anyways, best wishes, hope you find something that helps you and brings you comfort too.

tired090909

She died so suddenly. So much left unsaid. I could have been nicer to her. More caring. More understanding. I spoke to her a week before she died and she was okay but the week before, she phoned me and she was upset and crying and I just couldn't handle it and wouldn't talk to her. I feel like such a ****. She needed someone to be strong for her and to be positive. I know she relied on me for that but I let her down. Poor, poor girl.

maia1234

T,
I am sorry for you loss. It sounds like you have guilt about your relationship. Just thinking about it, reverse the rolls. If you had passed away and not her, would you be "angry" at her for not talking to you, or letting you down during the conversations or not being more "positive" ? Would you be upset with her for not being a good friend?

You have to accept that you did the best for her that you could. We are not God and can't predict the future. We all want to be super human and us codies want to go over and beyond. Sometimes we can't, or didn't. Maybe you could try and make peace with yourself that you did the best you could, and she still loves you for being human. I am sure she would be devastated knowing that you have regrets over her death.

Be kind to yourself, you know that is what she would really want. Hugs!!

Wamama48

How are you doing? Just checking in.

Seren

Pretty much what Maia said...

What my grief counselor asked me was "Do you think it would make Mr. Seren happy to know that you have so much guilt? What do you think he would say?"

Of course, my dear, sweet Mr. Seren would never want me to be in so much pain.

Neither would your friend.