Rant Alert!! Struggling to stay in my lane
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 110
Rant Alert!! Struggling to stay in my lane
I don’t know why but as my separation from STBXAH and divorce chugs along I am feeling more reactive than EVER to the chaos. It’s like I’ve got my space so calm and organized and you’d think that would strengthen my coping skills, but i find myself churning over the same crap!
I have an order of protection no contact with STBXAH. Communication about visitation (which isn’t formal bc he won’t engage in the divorce process, so really, visitation is at my discretion) is through his sibling per the OP. My STBXMIL is suing me (he lives with her) and I’ve been outrageously gracious at allowing visitation that is healthy FOR MY DAUGHTER. I gauge her schedule, comfort level, and wishes and go from there, to my priorities, and LASTLY, factor in STBXAH. I think that’s pretty freaking good of me. So I am not allowing my anger to prevent DD from a parental relationship.
Anyhoo, for 3 years I was too overwhelmed to move a family piano to my place and set up lessons for DD. Why was I overwhelmed? BC I lived with FREAKING ALCOHOLIC WHO KEPT ME IN CONSTANT CHAOS. So last week, I made all the arrangements, found the BEST teacher, figured out the budget and logistics. Then, I accidentally realize I set the meet & greet session to iron out details on the same day STBXAH is with DD. Graciously, I let him know it’s my error, and he can manage this meet & greet. He does. I have to follow up with the sibling acting as our communicator for ANY logistical info (did she like him, is the time slot available, when does he need to be paid?).
Here’s the trigger: during this follow up I get an essay length text saying STBXAH wants to take the lead on the lessons, he just LOOOVVVVEEEDDD the music teacher and his approach. He wants to stay in contact with him so he can help DD continue learning through the week (he doesn’t live with her, how the **** would he possibly do that??) and how it’s such a great routine that’s beneficial for bonding between STBXAH.
Why am I mad? It’s great to unload something to him. But i’m mad as hell because once again, I put my child first. I take initiative on something, I bust my ass to find the PERFECT teacher and schedule (I work FT and DD is school aged). I manage the budget. And then BAM all of a sudden STBXAH is riding on my ******* coat tales for quality time with DD.
I don’t need anything but WTF the self centered ******** is just never freaking ending, is it??? I will ALWAYS be missed stable mom with a plan and STBXAH will always be ‘boo hoo enable me I looovvveee my daughter’-dad.
I have an order of protection no contact with STBXAH. Communication about visitation (which isn’t formal bc he won’t engage in the divorce process, so really, visitation is at my discretion) is through his sibling per the OP. My STBXMIL is suing me (he lives with her) and I’ve been outrageously gracious at allowing visitation that is healthy FOR MY DAUGHTER. I gauge her schedule, comfort level, and wishes and go from there, to my priorities, and LASTLY, factor in STBXAH. I think that’s pretty freaking good of me. So I am not allowing my anger to prevent DD from a parental relationship.
Anyhoo, for 3 years I was too overwhelmed to move a family piano to my place and set up lessons for DD. Why was I overwhelmed? BC I lived with FREAKING ALCOHOLIC WHO KEPT ME IN CONSTANT CHAOS. So last week, I made all the arrangements, found the BEST teacher, figured out the budget and logistics. Then, I accidentally realize I set the meet & greet session to iron out details on the same day STBXAH is with DD. Graciously, I let him know it’s my error, and he can manage this meet & greet. He does. I have to follow up with the sibling acting as our communicator for ANY logistical info (did she like him, is the time slot available, when does he need to be paid?).
Here’s the trigger: during this follow up I get an essay length text saying STBXAH wants to take the lead on the lessons, he just LOOOVVVVEEEDDD the music teacher and his approach. He wants to stay in contact with him so he can help DD continue learning through the week (he doesn’t live with her, how the **** would he possibly do that??) and how it’s such a great routine that’s beneficial for bonding between STBXAH.
Why am I mad? It’s great to unload something to him. But i’m mad as hell because once again, I put my child first. I take initiative on something, I bust my ass to find the PERFECT teacher and schedule (I work FT and DD is school aged). I manage the budget. And then BAM all of a sudden STBXAH is riding on my ******* coat tales for quality time with DD.
I don’t need anything but WTF the self centered ******** is just never freaking ending, is it??? I will ALWAYS be missed stable mom with a plan and STBXAH will always be ‘boo hoo enable me I looovvveee my daughter’-dad.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Years ago my ex after meeting with his 2nd attorney, learned that if he had the kids one evening during the week and every other weekend, his child support payment was reduced, and in a big way. He claimed that his time on Thursday nights with them was extremely important as HE took them to hockey practice and bonded with them. Funny, how the judge asked him “how can you bond with your children while they are involved in a sports practice and you are sitting across the rink on a bench?” Then the judge asked me, prior to this how involved was he in the children’s sporting activities to which I answered, “he came to a few lacrosse games on Saturdays but always left early because he wanted to go into his office. He made it home off the train a few times to see the last few innings of a baseball game.
It was all about money not the kids or his time with them.
It was all about money not the kids or his time with them.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by fml23 
I don’t know why but as my separation from STBXAH and divorce chugs along I am feeling more reactive than EVER to the chaos. It’s like I’ve got my space so calm and organized and you’d think that would strengthen my coping skills, but i find myself churning over the same crap!
I was blown away at how rock-solid I felt in my own recovery, only to find myself losing my grip because things were improving/calming down. What kind of dysfunction is THAT?!?
Logically I get it - my "normal" had changed again & I was feeling unbalanced so my body reacted with a full-on fight-or-flight response. But emotionally, damn. it. I thought I was past all that.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Oh rant away!! Get it off your chest, it is infuriating AND you're trying to keep your outward cool: it's too much LOL!!!
Maybe create like an HP accountant in your mind.
When STBXAH acts like he's making some huge deposit and you know the credit goes in your column just hand it over to your HP....in the end, which means when your life comes to an end, you will know in your heart that you have done the right things by your DD, and what anyone else "thinks they did" or "says they did" about who gets credit for what really doesn't count: you know and DD will know. And that really is all that matters!! Because there is actual peace in the truth.
Peace,
B.
Maybe create like an HP accountant in your mind.
When STBXAH acts like he's making some huge deposit and you know the credit goes in your column just hand it over to your HP....in the end, which means when your life comes to an end, you will know in your heart that you have done the right things by your DD, and what anyone else "thinks they did" or "says they did" about who gets credit for what really doesn't count: you know and DD will know. And that really is all that matters!! Because there is actual peace in the truth.
Peace,
B.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 110
Originally Posted by Bernadette
Maybe create like an HP accountant in your mind.
When STBXAH acts like he's making some huge deposit and you know the credit goes in your column just hand it over to your HP....in the end, which means when your life comes to an end, you will know in your heart that you have done the right things by your DD, and what anyone else "thinks they did" or "says they did" about who gets credit for what really doesn't count: you know and DD will know. And that really is all that matters!! Because there is actual peace in the truth.
Peace,
B.
When STBXAH acts like he's making some huge deposit and you know the credit goes in your column just hand it over to your HP....in the end, which means when your life comes to an end, you will know in your heart that you have done the right things by your DD, and what anyone else "thinks they did" or "says they did" about who gets credit for what really doesn't count: you know and DD will know. And that really is all that matters!! Because there is actual peace in the truth.
Peace,
B.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 110
Originally Posted by FireSprite
Logically I get it - my "normal" had changed again & I was feeling unbalanced so my body reacted with a full-on fight-or-flight response. But emotionally, damn. it. I thought I was past all that.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 110
Originally Posted by atalose
Years ago my ex after meeting with his 2nd attorney, learned that if he had the kids one evening during the week and every other weekend, his child support payment was reduced, and in a big way. He claimed that his time on Thursday nights with them was extremely important as HE took them to hockey practice and bonded with them. Funny, how the judge asked him “how can you bond with your children while they are involved in a sports practice and you are sitting across the rink on a bench?” Then the judge asked me, prior to this how involved was he in the children’s sporting activities to which I answered, “he came to a few lacrosse games on Saturdays but always left early because he wanted to go into his office. He made it home off the train a few times to see the last few innings of a baseball game.
It was all about money not the kids or his time with them.
It was all about money not the kids or his time with them.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,614
Originally Posted by fml23
I wonder if the judges get tired of seeing these parents and their bs over and over. They have a pretty dull and limited script.
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