TLC

I have hesitated in writing, I'm not doing well

jog the memory: XA and mental/emotional abusive boyfriend.
No contact since February, yeah!
Went to school reunion, against a lot of good advice on this site. I just didn't want to be his victim anymore.
He was there and per my fears, now dating "the most popular" lady and yes, from out class. Who, by the way organized it all.
Evidently she didn't want me to know, because she didn't want to hurt me.
They have been dating ever since I ended it. After 7 years with this guy, he jumps without a beat to someone I know. No looking back for him. He is all "filled" up with happiness and joy. He always said, I just want to be happy. With no idea how to get there. He needs someone else to do that for him. I didn't have it anymore to give. I wouldn't play his game.

He tried to say hello (with a guilty look), I ignored him and we stayed easily on the other side of the room from each other.
People greeted me and said "I am so glad you aren't with him anymore", even his close friends. Yeah, validation.

It was still hard to see him with someone. I knew he'd be with her, he was trying to build a "friendship" with her a year ago when I was demanding sobriety.

I had a good night.
Since then, I"ve heard that she was told her he was an A, (her x was an A) and she reassured them that in all the time they've been together she has not seen any indication he has a problem.

They are soooo happy on Facebook, acting like the perfect couple.
This is hard, so I've gone no contact with FB.

The experience reignited the pain. He pushed me so hard with unrelenting abuse and manipulations that I felt the crazy one. here he is so happy, with no thought of the pain he left in his wake. Which for moments makes me feel like it was me.

Man, he did a job on my mind and heart. I was doing better but obviously not strong enough.

I get it, I know this is only the honeymoon period like he gave me. I know he can't maintain it. I am totally disgusted by him and sadly at this stage don't feel forgiveness on the radar. I read, research have support system. But it makes me ache in my heart to be so demonized and discarded. I actually ended it, but it feels like he did with all the cruelty he put me through.

I was doing well and will do again, I hate feeling this way. He is happy while I am going through this grief, pain, beaten down. Really much like being with him, he was drunk in numbness and no memory or realization of things he said and did. Through it all, my self esteem took a hit. I think of who I was before him and how beaten up I am now. I am pissed and hurt and he is happy and not looking back. i feel the fool.

TLC

Mango212

I have hesitated in writing, I'm not doing well

Really, really good reason to post. Kudos for reaching out.


He tried to say hello (with a guilty look), I ignored him and we stayed easily on the other side of the room from each other.

Good for you. (((hugs)))


People greeted me and said "I am so glad you aren't with him anymore", even his close friends. Yeah, validation.

More good.


This is hard, so I've gone no contact with FB.

Woot, woot!! Great, very healing and healthy action. Congratulations on giving yourself this beautiful gift.


As for the rest:

1. One day at a time. Take care of yourself. Look at what you need in this moment.

2. Connections with healthy people. This can be as simple as a cup of tea or coffee at a cafe full of vibrant, fit, healthy people. Cry if you need to. Look for things that brighten your day. Three photos each day of something different and good can help. A meal. A flower. Nature found in unexpected places.

3. Find support. Breath deeply. Trust the process.

4. Keep moving forward, even when it hurts. I promise, it will get better the further you get from all this. It may be helpful to re-visit things with a therapist, yet there's still a really safe distance in this part of healing.

5. Acknowledged what you went through was very painful, abusive and you ** did not ** deserve any of it.

maia1234

TLC,
I am so sorry for your pain, it is not fun to love an addict. I know that you think that you lost that special snowflake and she won the Prize. I would beg to differ with you... these are your words.

XA and mental/emotional abusive boyfriend.
After 7 years with this guy, he jumps without a beat to someone I know.
no thought of the pain he left in his wake.
He pushed me so hard with unrelenting abuse and manipulations that I felt the crazy one.
Man, he did a job on my mind and heart.
he was drunk in numbness and no memory or realization of things he said and did.

I think that you need to keep reading what you posted. See who is the fool, her or you. She is hooking up with your discarded trash!!

I know you are hurt, but look at what you passed up. Is this someone who you want to spend the rest of your life with? You wasted 7 years already. Everyone used to think from facebook that you two were the perfect couple also, til you weren't. His friends even know what a creep he was. Count your blessing, be proud that you went to the reunion and he didn't intimidate you or shut you down, you showed up with pride.

You are a survivor my friend, shout that from the roof tops!! You made it out a live, he might not be so lucky!! ((((((((hugs, you will be ok)))))))))))

Maudcat

In my experience, things are not what they seem.
Think he will never see another bad day?
Wrong.
And Facebook happy happy.? We all know how sincere that is.
You sound good. I mean, yes, wreckage was done and it takes time for that to settle.
But all in all, you sound good.
Hang in there.

BoxinRotz

I agree with this also TLC. I know how hard it is to see 7 years go to the garbage. I'm in that same boat but I want out.

He moved on instantly with a woman he was petting and grooming before you two broke up. He is now back to hiding and on his best behavior with her. I bet she probably hasn't seen that side of him. Why do I say this? Because a year into my relationship, I myself, never saw what an abusive alcoholic my soon to be Ex AH was. More will be revealed to her TLC.

Take care of yourself. You deserve to love yourself and heal from this relationship that you feel destroyed you. It will help define you and allow you to find a better relationship in the future. You will be ok. Give yourself time to breathe, cry and mourn the loss of the imperfect relationship you've just been through. Good things are going to come to you. HUGS!

trailmix

How long were you happy with him? A year, two, three? How long before it all started to crumble?

I imagine he can put up quite a charming front when he has to? For you, in the beginning, at work perhaps, in front of other people at social occasions?

You mentioned before that she drinks as well. Maybe she is an alcoholic too, who knows - or she is just someone who is only at the beginning of a relationship and he hasn't shown her his hand yet.

Unless he is sober (and he is not) that's not going to last. Just like it didn't with his relationship before yours and then with you. He is who he is and at some point he is going to relax and be drinking way too much and it will all unravel again.

Some people do stay in abusive relationships for years. Maybe she prefers someone who is emotionally unavailable?

The bottom line is, you don't. You didn't want to be in a relationship with an alcoholic or someone that abuses you, he was/is both those things.

I'm sorry you are in pain, time will help but not right now.

What have you changed in the last few months? Have you done anything nice for yourself? Taken a mini-holiday with friends? Anything?

CodeJob

A reunion is a weird evening of showmanship in money and social hierarchy. If you left fairly sober and didn’t beg for his butt back, you did well!

You_Rock_

Leelee168

TLC, you addressed many of your own concerns. You know this is the honeymoon period and that he cannot maintain it for any length of time. He told her he was an A, his “poor me” to gain sympathy from her. He’s sucking her in and the real “him” is going to surface. And honestly, if she’s a glutton for punishment and wants to date an active A, then it’s giving her something psychologically.

Yes, it hurts really bad that he moved on to something that, as another poster noted, he had likely already been grooming. They do leave us in their wake and picking up the pieces. I recently made contact with a previous relationship of my former abusive A and it was eye opening and helpful to me. She had a similar experience to me and I only wish that I had known her before—but of course, she was the crazy ex and he didn’t want me near her.

This is where my thinking goes these days: As long as I am hurting, which is what he wants, he wins. As long as I am quiet and ashamed of how I was living and what I endured with him, he wins. I am not going to let him win. There are good days when I am so strong I surprise even myself—there are also bad days when I still cry and can’t believe that I gave someone over five years of my life and they moved on to some chick who isn’t a fraction of the woman I am (see! My self esteem is coming back!). It all takes time, and that is the one thing that we really don’t want to have to deal with because he moved on instantly. That part, I wish I could help or say something meaningful and inspirational, but I got nothing

You’re going to make it and so am I. Big hugs.

Michsm

I am sorry you are going through this. In reality, peoples ways and habits don't just change because they are with someone new. Just keep remembering all the bad times. Time will heal you. Stay strong.

FeelingGreat

You probably can't logic yourself out of feeling like you do, but time will make it better, helped by your own constructive actions. And you know he will revert to type eventually.

Gm0824

Make no mistake, she IS getting the same man you had.

TLC

Thanks for all the replies, thoughts and insights. It does help.
My logic mind understands on a different level than my heart. As far as I've come, this one really threw me. My reading suggests my response is normal, and I'm not crazy. But dealing with addiction/abuse is crazy making in itself.

She has been warned he is an A, she doesn't believe it. Her x is a recovering A and worked his program to the point she thought it was like a cult. So she doesn't like AA. They would share this in common, since he doesn't like AA either. She other wise comes across as very smart, is very well liked and respected. She has a sunshine and roses type reputation. Every one loves her. She is said to worry about hurting me, so didn't want me to know of their relationship, Either this is kind or she knows there is something of how their relationship came to be, that needs to be hidden. (the later is my belief)

As much as I don't want him and have actually feel distain for him, it threw me that the pain was so great to see him "so happy" and making her so happy. While he was abusing me, he was courting her. hmmm.

I worked so hard to "help/support" him in his recovery and for him to just jump to the next woman, as though i was nothing is where the pain lies. (he really didn't want the recovery and spent a lot of time saying he did, he "didn't want to lose me to alcohol"..I allowed him to deplete me on so many levels and have a great deal of rebuilding before me, including my self esteem. while he laughs/dances with the next one. I remember when that was me, so unaware of what had happened with the lady before me. I only knew that she just asked him to leave because she randomly one day didn't want the relationship anymore, without any cause (sure). I was so in love and was so happy. The new woman, must also be so in love. He does a great honeymoon period. I fought for the "real" him to return, and the "real" him was actually the mask he held in place. I guess it just hurt to see that return for someone else. I know its a mask, but it hurt. I understand the desperate need to keep alcohol and get others to hold him up and let their happiness make him happy. Until he depletes them, then they make him unhappy. then moves on etc.
Maybe it would be different if it was someone I didn't know. Having it play out in front of me, really hit me hard.
If there are gifts in every problem, there are hopefully several gifts coming my way.
TLC

atalose

And look what happened when you thought you knew better than all the good advice you got from those who experienced similar here at SR. I’m not trying to say a “I told you so” but more of an awakening on listening to experience rather than to your emotions.

And right now all that experience here at SR is telling you that yes it’s hurtful that you see he has moved on but really you are the winner here, not her or them. You found your self-respect, self-esteem and left a toxic relationship. This women who you paint as all sunshine and roses has a black cloud hanging over her head, it’s called “attraction to alcoholics”, she is as sick as he is no matter what false projection she/he attempts to portray you already know exactly how the story is going to end.

Now is the time for you to allow the reality of this situation, the real truths as you know them to be to hit your emotions like a tidal wave to get them in check. Now is the time to not be envious of her but rather to thank her for taking away your trash!

trailmix

Hi Leelee, what a painful thing to go through. I'm just going to throw this out there because I know you are healing and want to continue with that.

Your self-esteem building is a terrific idea and ideally it's something we all work on all the time (good intentions all!). The thing is, it can't be built on comparison with another - that's a shifting sand.

Maybe the woman he quickly shifted to is not the person you are, well that's a fact! She may or may not have great qualities, who knows (or cares). The point is she is not your rival or your competition, she is just a human getting by who owes you nothing. Your self esteem can't be built (in any kind of sustainable way) by comparing yourself to her.

If you stand your ground, within your own ground, know who and what you are inside, that's where it comes from. Once you have that nothing from the outside can shake it. Ok, perhaps it can wobble it, none of us are made of steel, but "outside" things won't have you riding the self-esteem roller-coaster of comparison. If you base it on that then when things aren't going right you leave yourself wide open and vulnerable for despair about yourself.

Bit of rambling there, hope it makes sense, I really wish you well !

hopeful4

Ahhh....early romance. Isn't it always fun and games at that point?? Give it a while.

Big hugs!

TLC

Thanks Atalose (and everyone for your thoughts and observations)

I think the pain of seeing him with someone else, would have come regardless of going to reunion. Especially since we travel in the same circles. It was inevitable.

I did hesitate in disclosing that I went and was in so much pain, because of the advice I had gotten. This group is better than any other in going straight for the truth as they see it and/or experienced.

While it was hard, going to the reunion gave me something I didn't expect (validation/support). So many people came up to me telling me how great it was that I wasn't with him anymore, including his friends. I just didn't want to be his victim anymore. I wanted to show him, he didn't get the best of me. I held my head high, walked with confidence and laughed with people. I felt I did that.

While this could be seen of as a set back. I am hopeful it will bring the level of healing even deeper, having to confront this.

She does have a dark cloud over her head, no question about that and yes I know how it will end. Especially since this is her second time around with an A. She didn't like the one that recovered (wow), so what's up with that kind of attraction. Very very glad that is not me. Some times I wonder if I fear it will be different for her, meaning it was really me. Other times I wonder if I just miss the dream of what I thought I had (in the beginning).

I so appreciate your thoughts. To get my emotions in check and thank her for taking out my trash... This is what I want and what I strive for. Reading your post (and many from SR), helps with that, no doubt.... then I slip back and let that emotional tidal wave pound on me... then back in check. The tidal waves were getting smaller until this last week. Posting again helped to start bringing back in check. I'll keep trying...
TLC

dandylion

TLC....I know that feeling that you are talking about....that feeling that hits you deep, deep, in your gut....that feels like you have been kicked in the stomach.....
Even when you don't, logically, want that person back...or know that they are not for you....
You are so right that your "heart" feelings come from a different place, in your brain, that your intellectual understanding of the situation. That overwhelming, crushing feeling, that you describe, comes from a deeper place in your brain...the "old brain" ."lizard brain".....the most primitive part, that is connected to survival and reproduction instincts. These feelings arise from a subconscious level....and, they come instantly...like a spinal reflex.....
In this early part of brain development....a person of same sex, on our territory, would be seen as a reproductive rivall...and would trigger much psychic alarm and aggression...one would probably try to take them out...survival and reproductive instincts....
I think that when we Visually see someone that we had bonded with...with another....it is a powerful trigger...and, it happens to all of us, to some degree, when we have bonded with someone at any time...past or present....In today's would, we don't usually try to kill them.....

You will get past this, of course...and I can see that you are on the right track.....
Try to never see them together, again...the visual triggers are the worst!
One time, it caused me to actually vomit in a parking lot...when I saw my newly ex boyfriend with a person that he was new dating.....(it was at a distance, and someone that I worked with , every day...…!! Lol...At least, you didn't vomit in the middle of the reunion.....
Also, as you give him/her less time , in your brain....it sooner this will fade...
(Just between us--and just for the record--she wasn't as pretty as me, and was not one bit smarter than me...and I, definitely, had more "sunshine" than her...and, their relationship did bite the dust, later....lol)….

maia1234

TLC,
I read on this forum a long time ago.... God does not make this easy for us to leave our addicts. He wants us to learn our lesson to never do this again.

Feel the pain, cry and then smile that he is no longer your responsibility.

Sending hugs that it will get better for you.

atalose

Healing comes in waves, one day the wave hits rock and that’s ok, you are still healing and that’s what’s most important.

I like this quote……………..

It is often in the WAVES OF CHANGE that we find our true direction.

dandylion

atalose…..I so agree...that we usually make our most significant growth during times of crisis---outside of our comfort zone.....