The value of crying
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
The value of crying
I am not a crier. When things go wrong, my default is action - what can I do right here right now? Emotional displays don't do much for me (and I don't want to be visibly upset to the people around me). I also come from a long line of very reserved stoic people, both culturally and specifically in my family of origin.
However, when things pile up, sometimes the crying breaks through. I've been reminded over the past couple of days that there is some value in tears coming out.
Without going into boring detail, in the past few days alcoholic ex has defaulted yet again on child support (both his ongoing support and payments towards his arrears, which is now over $30K). This has created financial stress for me. Ex has also launched the latest court application to have unrestricted access to Kid and to have her residing with him half time by the end of the month. This is not going to happen, but it means more time wasted, more money for lawyers (which I don't have a lot of because he hasn't paid any support in two years) and stress on both me and Kid.
Both yesterday and today I just started crying spontaneously (or semi-spontaneously - in my car and in my bathroom where no one can see). Both times I was reminded that there is something about the physical release of tension through tears that can help - I feel really tired but a bit less hopeless.
So although I'm never going to become a very emotionally expressive person - I'm just not wired that way - sometimes crying by myself can be good, and maybe I need to do it more.
However, when things pile up, sometimes the crying breaks through. I've been reminded over the past couple of days that there is some value in tears coming out.
Without going into boring detail, in the past few days alcoholic ex has defaulted yet again on child support (both his ongoing support and payments towards his arrears, which is now over $30K). This has created financial stress for me. Ex has also launched the latest court application to have unrestricted access to Kid and to have her residing with him half time by the end of the month. This is not going to happen, but it means more time wasted, more money for lawyers (which I don't have a lot of because he hasn't paid any support in two years) and stress on both me and Kid.
Both yesterday and today I just started crying spontaneously (or semi-spontaneously - in my car and in my bathroom where no one can see). Both times I was reminded that there is something about the physical release of tension through tears that can help - I feel really tired but a bit less hopeless.
So although I'm never going to become a very emotionally expressive person - I'm just not wired that way - sometimes crying by myself can be good, and maybe I need to do it more.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Sasha....Mother nature has given us tear ducts and the ability to cry, for very good reasons.....One, of which, is emotional expression and release.....
lol...personally, I am a big fan of crying...
It is my opinion, that when we tell people not to cry...especially, children...that we are teaching them to repress their emotions....to deny their basic humanity....
When a person is crying for genuine reasons/feelings...To tell them to stop .it is for the person doing the telling...not for the welfare of the one who is crying.....
lol...personally, I am a big fan of crying...
It is my opinion, that when we tell people not to cry...especially, children...that we are teaching them to repress their emotions....to deny their basic humanity....
When a person is crying for genuine reasons/feelings...To tell them to stop .it is for the person doing the telling...not for the welfare of the one who is crying.....
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
I was 'mad' that I couldn't/didn't cry when I ended things for good with my exAgf around a year ago (can't even remember it/her now). Felt like needing to sneeze and it almost happens,but doesn't. 
I heard this song a few months ago and it really made sense.. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J_ub7Etch2U I think we eventually just 'run out of tears' when dealing with the same old same.
I heard this song a few months ago and it really made sense.. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J_ub7Etch2U I think we eventually just 'run out of tears' when dealing with the same old same.
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 56
[It is my opinion, that when we tell people not to cry...especially, children...that we are teaching them to repress their emotions....to deny their basic humanity....
When a person is crying for genuine reasons/feelings...To tell them to stop .it is for the person doing the telling...not for the welfare of the one who is crying.....[/QUOTE]
I agree with this! I hate letting anyone see me cry and I am a crier. It makes me feel weak. On the other hand I have learned that it is not a weakness it means you care and are human with natural response to stress, love, joy, sadness... LIFE.
My kids have seen me cry over this past month with the break up and they ask "if I am ok" which I reply yes but sad and tell them its ok to cry for many reasons. I can't hide it from them, they know and I think it is better to be honest.
In conclusion cry if you need to its not a weakness it gives you clarity and relief! The songs thread will really get you going lol!!
E
When a person is crying for genuine reasons/feelings...To tell them to stop .it is for the person doing the telling...not for the welfare of the one who is crying.....[/QUOTE]
I agree with this! I hate letting anyone see me cry and I am a crier. It makes me feel weak. On the other hand I have learned that it is not a weakness it means you care and are human with natural response to stress, love, joy, sadness... LIFE.
My kids have seen me cry over this past month with the break up and they ask "if I am ok" which I reply yes but sad and tell them its ok to cry for many reasons. I can't hide it from them, they know and I think it is better to be honest.
In conclusion cry if you need to its not a weakness it gives you clarity and relief! The songs thread will really get you going lol!!
E
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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Girl...cry, vent, scream, kick things....whatever you need to do. That X of yours is a piece of work, and I completely think the value of getting all that stress out is so important.
HUGE HUGS TO YOU!!!!!
HUGE HUGS TO YOU!!!!!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Yep - science can back this up - in addition to lubrication for the eyes, crying is one of our natural defense mechanisms for the body to flush excess hormones in the face of any overwhelming emotion:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/b...benefits-tears
https://www.smithsonianmag.com/scien...ars-180947766/
I cry for EVERY big emotion - love, joy, grief, sadness, you name it.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/b...benefits-tears
https://www.smithsonianmag.com/scien...ars-180947766/
I cry for EVERY big emotion - love, joy, grief, sadness, you name it.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 
Girl...cry, vent, scream, kick things....whatever you need to do. That X of yours is a piece of work, and I completely think the value of getting all that stress out is so important.
HUGE HUGS TO YOU!!!!!
HUGE HUGS TO YOU!!!!!
I believe you really do get how stressful this situation is. (And it's amazing how much I still need to hear that I am not the crazy person here. This site has been really helpful in that regard. I can put down exactly what's going on - without exaggeration or overdramatizing - and can get reassurance that this is not normal and also not my fault).
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
In learning to cry I started releasing a flood of emotions that needed to come out. I learned also to let myself be angry, in very explosive, safe, healthy ways. That used to be a foreign concept. 
I learned that words shouted out, on long drives on empty roads, released a lot that needed to be said. Both negative and positive thoughts and words, as they naturally started flowing and providing an outlet for trauma to be released. Tears often accompanied this.
I learned here at SR and from therapy that it takes courage to do these things.
This song comes to mind in letting tears and emotions flow:
I learned that words shouted out, on long drives on empty roads, released a lot that needed to be said. Both negative and positive thoughts and words, as they naturally started flowing and providing an outlet for trauma to be released. Tears often accompanied this.
I learned here at SR and from therapy that it takes courage to do these things.
This song comes to mind in letting tears and emotions flow:
You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
And they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave
Everybody’s been there, everybody’s been stared down
By the enemy
Fallen for the fear and done some disappearing
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, stop holding your tongue
Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
Innocence, your history of silence
Won’t do you any good
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
And they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave
Everybody’s been there, everybody’s been stared down
By the enemy
Fallen for the fear and done some disappearing
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, stop holding your tongue
Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
Innocence, your history of silence
Won’t do you any good
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
I am like you and try my best not to show too much emotion. But when I find that I do break down and cry I feel a little better afterwards. Sometimes releasing all the is build up is better than keeping it in.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 184
I was not a crier until my experience with the abusive A. I was numb and felt nothing but exhaustion and fear. I remember thinking that I needed to cry, but I could not. As I worked through the issues, the tears came...and they wouldn’t stop. They are always brewing and it takes nothing to bring them on. I do feel better after crying now and I think that’s a good thing.
I’m sorry that you are going through so much.
I’m sorry that you are going through so much.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
I've discussed this with others before and we came to the conclusion that sometimes it's good to cry and sometimes it's not.
Sometimes, it seems to make you feel worse (although a good psychologist would probably say that's normal lol).
Sometimes it does take away some of the negative.
I went for a long time (years) where I could not cry. Well I could if it was hugely justified but that was extremely rare. It's a numbness and it's awful really.
So, I have decided that it's probably not a bad thing.
Sometimes, it seems to make you feel worse (although a good psychologist would probably say that's normal lol).
Sometimes it does take away some of the negative.
I went for a long time (years) where I could not cry. Well I could if it was hugely justified but that was extremely rare. It's a numbness and it's awful really.
So, I have decided that it's probably not a bad thing.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Sasha,
I think us codies have to have a tough shell as we have to put up with so much with addiction in our lives. Sometimes it over comes us and we just can't take it any longer. You aren't being weak, you are being human. There is nothing wrong about being human.
Even us codies aren't superman and we can't expect to have everything bounce off of us, and not feel a thing. I find myself tough also, but a good cry never hurts a thing.
((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
I think us codies have to have a tough shell as we have to put up with so much with addiction in our lives. Sometimes it over comes us and we just can't take it any longer. You aren't being weak, you are being human. There is nothing wrong about being human.
Even us codies aren't superman and we can't expect to have everything bounce off of us, and not feel a thing. I find myself tough also, but a good cry never hurts a thing.
((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
"(And it's amazing how much I still need to hear that I am not the crazy person here. This site has been really helpful in that regard. I can put down exactly what's going on - without exaggeration or overdramatizing - and can get reassurance that this is not normal and also not my fault)."
Sasha, this statement surprised me. You have been through so much, and have handled it all in an intelligent and pragmatic way, I admire your strength
His insanity is not your fault, you only have power over your actions.
((( hugs))) crying can be a great release, as can screaming into a pillow.
Sasha, this statement surprised me. You have been through so much, and have handled it all in an intelligent and pragmatic way, I admire your strength
His insanity is not your fault, you only have power over your actions.((( hugs))) crying can be a great release, as can screaming into a pillow.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
I've discussed this with others before and we came to the conclusion that sometimes it's good to cry and sometimes it's not.
My daughter wisely shared with me several years ago that it's okay to shelf emotions to deal with later.
I like this approach. That I get to acknowledge my emotions and put current ones that may be begging for atttention up on a shelf to be felt and explored in my own timing.
My daughter wisely shared with me several years ago that it's okay to shelf emotions to deal with later.
I like this approach. That I get to acknowledge my emotions and put current ones that may be begging for atttention up on a shelf to be felt and explored in my own timing.
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Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
One of the gifts of recovery has been that I can cry. Before getting into recovery I thought normal was numb, and I spent a long time trying to achieve that.
I spent years not being able to cry. Actually half of my life.
I will never forget my first cry, driving home from a break up (6+ hours). It felt horrible and freeing all at the same time.
It took a long time as I had a tug of war relationship with sadness and release, but now am so grateful that I can cry.
I get teary with sweet moments, commercials, and almost every Friday when I listen to a certain radio show that shows the good in humanity.
For me being able to cry is a sign of being unstuck, with movement, freedom and opportunity that I did not give myself previously.
I am so glad you gave yourself that gift.
I spent years not being able to cry. Actually half of my life.
I will never forget my first cry, driving home from a break up (6+ hours). It felt horrible and freeing all at the same time.
It took a long time as I had a tug of war relationship with sadness and release, but now am so grateful that I can cry.
I get teary with sweet moments, commercials, and almost every Friday when I listen to a certain radio show that shows the good in humanity.
For me being able to cry is a sign of being unstuck, with movement, freedom and opportunity that I did not give myself previously.
I am so glad you gave yourself that gift.
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