In the eye of the storm and need support
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 110
In the eye of the storm and need support
Hiya. I’ve been dealt another challenge this morning and I feel really overwhelmed. I’m trying to get all my feelings out here so I can process and take whatever next steps I need to and let go of all the rest I can’t control. Otherwise I’m at breaking point.
A very brief summary of my reason for being here. Married a heavy drinker who then very quickly slid down the slippery slope of full blown alcoholism. We were married 8 years. Lots of chaos, lost jobs, pain, fighting, the usual. One DUI, I threatened to leave but didn’t go through. Then after a drunken accident and 911 call last summer, I hit my breaking point and moved out and filed for divorce. The day I was set to serve my husband he checked into detox followed by residential rehab. Like many, I was totally torn by his potential recovery. After lots of negotiated I just kept the divorce proceedings asking for continuation. I moved back to our shared home and asked AH to stay elsewhere. He did really well for months in terms of sobriety. But when he reached that point of working on our marriage and the external stuff I watched him crumble. He has had various dual diagnosis, I suspect there’s a personality disorder, and a series of med changes, poor boundaries on my part, and his issues, led to a relapse and verbal, emotional abuse. One night a few months ago he came into my home drunk, argued, he grabbed me by the neck and threw me down in retaliation for me yelling at him. I called 911, got the support I needed, and got a no contact order of protection. Of course, I sprang into action to get the divorce moving and get him served.
So why am upset today? Well because like probably a lot of people STBXAH has a toxic, enabling, abusive family. I guess I always knew but it became really clear when I went to court to get the order of protection and they were all there, like the mafia. He was all sad and trying to get them to leave and they wouldn’t. It’s like he’s trapped in their ick. The night of his arrest my MIL left me a nasty voicemail calling me a liar and saying I should take it all back. She’s an attorney, but not a criminal one. She’s insane. I have the hand print on my neck so there was probable cause got arrest... I couldn’t ‘take it all back’ bc the police did their job. So my STBXAH evidently understood the severity of his actions, checked back into detox and treatment. Don’t know or care cause of the order of protection we don’t communicate. About 4 weeks ago, three things happened: 1) STBXAH reaches out to several ppl, seemingly hysterical about my safety and saying his mom was suing us for the condo (that me and daughter live in) and he can’t stop her and is terrified it’ll lead to financial ruin and disruption to daughter. 2) His best friend (who happens to be five years sober)!calls me to say he took AH to the hospital for threatening suicide. He states my mother in law screamed at him and wouldn’t let him in the house to get AH. 3) my attorney sends me the process servers affidavit showing my mother in law lying about AH whereabouts and dodging service for divorce.
I moved on the service by publication and it appears that i’ll get a default divorce if things continue.
Since, I have heard from numerous people that mother in law is preventing service to AH because she wants to sue us to sway to the division of assets in the divorce. STBXAH doesn’t want this, knows he is the reason for all the chaos and lack of stability and doesn’t want her doing this to me. It was what he sited as the trigger for his suicidal depression and she’s apparently been screaming at him and not really letting him just feel the consequences of his choices.
So through all this I have been VERY calm about him having visitation with our daughter. It’s been really hard cause his family members arrange it, as the order of protection prohibits contact EXCEPT through a third party to arrange visitation. His sister was listed on the order of protection but was really being manipulative. Now it’s his brother. I work full time and have a lot on my plate. It’s been rough. Anyhow, this morning my brother in law didn’t show up to pick up daughter. I finally got ahold of his girlfriend. They slept through their alarm and will be there shortly. Whatever. I go out to my car to get something and log into my computer to work, and bam. I get served with a law lawsuit to me and STBXAH suing for possession of our condo.
Here’s where i’m At. I said there won’t be any more visitation with daughter st my mother in laws house. I said I don’t think either party are able to prioritize her well being over their own emotions. I’m furious. All I have wanted for years was to refinance our condo, pay my MIL her equity, and cut her out of my life. It crystal clear she’s an evil abusivd women. And abused her children and is a huge contributing factor in STBXAH emotional problems. Granted he’s totally accountable for himself, but she’s an abuser. She manipulated us with our newborn daughter into letting her be our real estate attorney and said she to mortgage points our lender said she should be on our loan. I’m mortified by my naivety! But I also think I was financially groomed so that she could keep hurting my husband. I’m all tangled up. What hurts me is that I love the **** out of the man I married. I have no words to describe the loss of this man who I adored as his family just abused and harassed and manipulated him and he crumbled into alcoholism to cope. I don’t mean to say he is innocent- he’s a grown man who needed to make different choices. But I now feel like because of my mother in laws choices and actions HE is losing a relationship with his daughter. Rather then being amicable and establishing a parenting schedule, dividing our assets in the divorce, it’s all out war. I can’t leave myself vulnerable to this women. And the only way to protect myself is to annihilated STBXAH. It’s so dysfunctional. I’m so triggered. It’s everything that I feel destroyed my marriage that I couldn’t stop. It’s all the abuse and consequences my STBXAH ran from. Never wanting to confront and separate from his mom bc she wove this web of financial and emotional deceit to keep him dependent. I hate myself for saying this, but I miss him. I miss the person I married. I dunno what I want. Just needed to get it out, I guess. I do t know how a mother can be so evil and hurt so many people for so long.
A very brief summary of my reason for being here. Married a heavy drinker who then very quickly slid down the slippery slope of full blown alcoholism. We were married 8 years. Lots of chaos, lost jobs, pain, fighting, the usual. One DUI, I threatened to leave but didn’t go through. Then after a drunken accident and 911 call last summer, I hit my breaking point and moved out and filed for divorce. The day I was set to serve my husband he checked into detox followed by residential rehab. Like many, I was totally torn by his potential recovery. After lots of negotiated I just kept the divorce proceedings asking for continuation. I moved back to our shared home and asked AH to stay elsewhere. He did really well for months in terms of sobriety. But when he reached that point of working on our marriage and the external stuff I watched him crumble. He has had various dual diagnosis, I suspect there’s a personality disorder, and a series of med changes, poor boundaries on my part, and his issues, led to a relapse and verbal, emotional abuse. One night a few months ago he came into my home drunk, argued, he grabbed me by the neck and threw me down in retaliation for me yelling at him. I called 911, got the support I needed, and got a no contact order of protection. Of course, I sprang into action to get the divorce moving and get him served.
So why am upset today? Well because like probably a lot of people STBXAH has a toxic, enabling, abusive family. I guess I always knew but it became really clear when I went to court to get the order of protection and they were all there, like the mafia. He was all sad and trying to get them to leave and they wouldn’t. It’s like he’s trapped in their ick. The night of his arrest my MIL left me a nasty voicemail calling me a liar and saying I should take it all back. She’s an attorney, but not a criminal one. She’s insane. I have the hand print on my neck so there was probable cause got arrest... I couldn’t ‘take it all back’ bc the police did their job. So my STBXAH evidently understood the severity of his actions, checked back into detox and treatment. Don’t know or care cause of the order of protection we don’t communicate. About 4 weeks ago, three things happened: 1) STBXAH reaches out to several ppl, seemingly hysterical about my safety and saying his mom was suing us for the condo (that me and daughter live in) and he can’t stop her and is terrified it’ll lead to financial ruin and disruption to daughter. 2) His best friend (who happens to be five years sober)!calls me to say he took AH to the hospital for threatening suicide. He states my mother in law screamed at him and wouldn’t let him in the house to get AH. 3) my attorney sends me the process servers affidavit showing my mother in law lying about AH whereabouts and dodging service for divorce.
I moved on the service by publication and it appears that i’ll get a default divorce if things continue.
Since, I have heard from numerous people that mother in law is preventing service to AH because she wants to sue us to sway to the division of assets in the divorce. STBXAH doesn’t want this, knows he is the reason for all the chaos and lack of stability and doesn’t want her doing this to me. It was what he sited as the trigger for his suicidal depression and she’s apparently been screaming at him and not really letting him just feel the consequences of his choices.
So through all this I have been VERY calm about him having visitation with our daughter. It’s been really hard cause his family members arrange it, as the order of protection prohibits contact EXCEPT through a third party to arrange visitation. His sister was listed on the order of protection but was really being manipulative. Now it’s his brother. I work full time and have a lot on my plate. It’s been rough. Anyhow, this morning my brother in law didn’t show up to pick up daughter. I finally got ahold of his girlfriend. They slept through their alarm and will be there shortly. Whatever. I go out to my car to get something and log into my computer to work, and bam. I get served with a law lawsuit to me and STBXAH suing for possession of our condo.
Here’s where i’m At. I said there won’t be any more visitation with daughter st my mother in laws house. I said I don’t think either party are able to prioritize her well being over their own emotions. I’m furious. All I have wanted for years was to refinance our condo, pay my MIL her equity, and cut her out of my life. It crystal clear she’s an evil abusivd women. And abused her children and is a huge contributing factor in STBXAH emotional problems. Granted he’s totally accountable for himself, but she’s an abuser. She manipulated us with our newborn daughter into letting her be our real estate attorney and said she to mortgage points our lender said she should be on our loan. I’m mortified by my naivety! But I also think I was financially groomed so that she could keep hurting my husband. I’m all tangled up. What hurts me is that I love the **** out of the man I married. I have no words to describe the loss of this man who I adored as his family just abused and harassed and manipulated him and he crumbled into alcoholism to cope. I don’t mean to say he is innocent- he’s a grown man who needed to make different choices. But I now feel like because of my mother in laws choices and actions HE is losing a relationship with his daughter. Rather then being amicable and establishing a parenting schedule, dividing our assets in the divorce, it’s all out war. I can’t leave myself vulnerable to this women. And the only way to protect myself is to annihilated STBXAH. It’s so dysfunctional. I’m so triggered. It’s everything that I feel destroyed my marriage that I couldn’t stop. It’s all the abuse and consequences my STBXAH ran from. Never wanting to confront and separate from his mom bc she wove this web of financial and emotional deceit to keep him dependent. I hate myself for saying this, but I miss him. I miss the person I married. I dunno what I want. Just needed to get it out, I guess. I do t know how a mother can be so evil and hurt so many people for so long.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I think it sounds like you're handling all of this with tremendous grace. 
I think the biggest challenge in life is seeing the human being trapped inside the dysfunction & knowing that they HAVE to want to find their way out of the labyrinth on their own. You can stand there screaming all day long, telling him to put on his oxygen mask, but if he's speaking a different language, he'll never understand no matter how loudly you yell.
My husband still wars internally with tons of FOO just like this but I can't make him "see" it except in the pieces he's ready to face when it's right for him.
Have you ever read The Awakening? I put moments like these into that category - you're standing on the other side of that dysfunctional bridge but you just can't make others find their way across:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...awakening.html (The Awakening)
I think the biggest challenge in life is seeing the human being trapped inside the dysfunction & knowing that they HAVE to want to find their way out of the labyrinth on their own. You can stand there screaming all day long, telling him to put on his oxygen mask, but if he's speaking a different language, he'll never understand no matter how loudly you yell.
My husband still wars internally with tons of FOO just like this but I can't make him "see" it except in the pieces he's ready to face when it's right for him.
Have you ever read The Awakening? I put moments like these into that category - you're standing on the other side of that dysfunctional bridge but you just can't make others find their way across:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...awakening.html (The Awakening)
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Property is just property. The piece of mind being somewhere new, further away from the chaos, is priceless.
Once No Contact naturally expands to others who are attached to the toxicity, things continue to improve.
One day at a time. As you keep the focus on yourself & kid, and being healthy and happy, the rest will keep working out. Welcoming good support into our lives tends to allow more and more of that, in many unexpected ways. ((((hugs))))
Once No Contact naturally expands to others who are attached to the toxicity, things continue to improve.
One day at a time. As you keep the focus on yourself & kid, and being healthy and happy, the rest will keep working out. Welcoming good support into our lives tends to allow more and more of that, in many unexpected ways. ((((hugs))))
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
What a nightmare of toxicity. You do sound strong though!! (((((hugs)))))
When you say she is suing you for the condo what does that mean? Are you in arrears or default to her somehow? What is your lawyer advising?
This from Mango212: "Property is just property."
When I divorced my exH I really had to let go of a lot of material things/expectations. All the financial hardship was tough, but the peace of mind and freedom were worth it 100%. In time and with hard work things got better for me and my boys financially. But the freedom from marital stress and misery started very quickly and was very welcome.
I thought your insight into being "financially groomed' very wise. What a (horrible) concept. You seem to be examining all this as rationally as you can even though it is such a swirling sh*t storm.
Peace,
B.
When you say she is suing you for the condo what does that mean? Are you in arrears or default to her somehow? What is your lawyer advising?
This from Mango212: "Property is just property."
When I divorced my exH I really had to let go of a lot of material things/expectations. All the financial hardship was tough, but the peace of mind and freedom were worth it 100%. In time and with hard work things got better for me and my boys financially. But the freedom from marital stress and misery started very quickly and was very welcome.
I thought your insight into being "financially groomed' very wise. What a (horrible) concept. You seem to be examining all this as rationally as you can even though it is such a swirling sh*t storm.
Peace,
B.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Let me say this. I fought hard for my house in my divorce. I had my a$$ handed to me financially, but I kept it. There have been many times I wish I had just sold it and started fresh. There are a lot of memories tied to property, and when you are trying to move on it does make it harder. That is just my two cents.
I would stay away from all of them, including your AH. It sounds like a toxic mess. No contact, at all. And if they don't show up to visit your child, don't chase them down. Keep record of that and move forward. It's hard, but you can certainly do it.
I say this kindly and send you big hugs because I know it's painful!
I would stay away from all of them, including your AH. It sounds like a toxic mess. No contact, at all. And if they don't show up to visit your child, don't chase them down. Keep record of that and move forward. It's hard, but you can certainly do it.
I say this kindly and send you big hugs because I know it's painful!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 194
FML, I'm sorry you are going through this. Once you see where the original FOO issues come from, you feel helpless, esp. when the FOO overtly tries to overpower someone like that. One prayer I like if I get really stuck is "God/HP, please do for me what I cannot do for myself". Like when I can't deal with my anger. Also, it seems like a judge would not allow this sh*t to stand with your condo, but I'm no expert. Hopefully in time your AH can have a relationship with your daughter, though it might take time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 110
Thanks everyone. It’s all wisdom. I agree, property is just property. There are so many memories tied to this place and in reality, I know I built this home, and can build another. I’m not really attached to the property or money.
What I do resent is that she’s trying to create the most chaos and suffering for me without regard to my daughter or even AH wellbeing. I am angry. I feel almost protective of AH because shes using his parenting as a weapon against him. It’s so reckless!
What I do resent is that she’s trying to create the most chaos and suffering for me without regard to my daughter or even AH wellbeing. I am angry. I feel almost protective of AH because shes using his parenting as a weapon against him. It’s so reckless!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I've got no wisdom to add here, just wanted to say that this sounds like a really anger-inducing situation and you have my sympathy. It sounds like you are being really proactive with your anger and not just letting it poison you. This kind of intergenerational crap is mind-boggling.Your kids will be able to break the cycle because of you.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
I feel almost protective of AH because shes using his parenting as a weapon against him.
I have found this to be dangerous as it splits my focus, energy and attention from the forward momentum of kid & I healing, having fun with life and growing into new phases of "healthy living" that are new, foreign territory for us.
When my husband was sober and in recovery he supported me in being in No Contact with my family of origin. In active alcoholism he seeks out their company. When I let my focus go to this (it did briefly, recently) it causes pain, anger and I start getting caught in the edges of the chaos I've walked away from. I trust this grown man has a Higher Power, many opportunities in life, does not want interference with his drinking and is capable of having help open up for him, some way, somehow, if he were ever willing for that to happen -- and that none of this has anything to do with me.
#newdirections #lifeisgood
I have found this to be dangerous as it splits my focus, energy and attention from the forward momentum of kid & I healing, having fun with life and growing into new phases of "healthy living" that are new, foreign territory for us.
When my husband was sober and in recovery he supported me in being in No Contact with my family of origin. In active alcoholism he seeks out their company. When I let my focus go to this (it did briefly, recently) it causes pain, anger and I start getting caught in the edges of the chaos I've walked away from. I trust this grown man has a Higher Power, many opportunities in life, does not want interference with his drinking and is capable of having help open up for him, some way, somehow, if he were ever willing for that to happen -- and that none of this has anything to do with me.
#newdirections #lifeisgood
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 110
Originally Posted by Mango212 
I feel almost protective of AH because shes using his parenting as a weapon against him.
I have found this to be dangerous as it splits my focus, energy and attention from the forward momentum of kid & I healing, having fun with life and growing into new phases of "healthy living" that are new, foreign territory for us.
When my husband was sober and in recovery he supported me in being in No Contact with my family of origin. In active alcoholism he seeks out their company. When I let my focus go to this (it did briefly, recently) it causes pain, anger and I start getting caught in the edges of the chaos I've walked away from. I trust this grown man has a Higher Power, many opportunities in life, does not want interference with his drinking and is capable of having help open up for him, some way, somehow, if he were ever willing for that to happen -- and that none of this has anything to do with me.
#newdirections #lifeisgood
I have found this to be dangerous as it splits my focus, energy and attention from the forward momentum of kid & I healing, having fun with life and growing into new phases of "healthy living" that are new, foreign territory for us.
When my husband was sober and in recovery he supported me in being in No Contact with my family of origin. In active alcoholism he seeks out their company. When I let my focus go to this (it did briefly, recently) it causes pain, anger and I start getting caught in the edges of the chaos I've walked away from. I trust this grown man has a Higher Power, many opportunities in life, does not want interference with his drinking and is capable of having help open up for him, some way, somehow, if he were ever willing for that to happen -- and that none of this has anything to do with me.
#newdirections #lifeisgood
This is so true!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Originally Posted by fml23
Hiya. I’ve been dealt another challenge this morning and I feel really overwhelmed. I’m trying to get all my feelings out here so I can process and take whatever next steps I need to and let go of all the rest I can’t control. Otherwise I’m at breaking point.
A very brief summary of my reason for being here. Married a heavy drinker who then very quickly slid down the slippery slope of full blown alcoholism. We were married 8 years. Lots of chaos, lost jobs, pain, fighting, the usual. One DUI, I threatened to leave but didn’t go through. Then after a drunken accident and 911 call last summer, I hit my breaking point and moved out and filed for divorce. The day I was set to serve my husband he checked into detox followed by residential rehab. Like many, I was totally torn by his potential recovery. After lots of negotiated I just kept the divorce proceedings asking for continuation. I moved back to our shared home and asked AH to stay elsewhere. He did really well for months in terms of sobriety. But when he reached that point of working on our marriage and the external stuff I watched him crumble. He has had various dual diagnosis, I suspect there’s a personality disorder, and a series of med changes, poor boundaries on my part, and his issues, led to a relapse and verbal, emotional abuse. One night a few months ago he came into my home drunk, argued, he grabbed me by the neck and threw me down in retaliation for me yelling at him. I called 911, got the support I needed, and got a no contact order of protection. Of course, I sprang into action to get the divorce moving and get him served.
So why am upset today? Well because like probably a lot of people STBXAH has a toxic, enabling, abusive family. I guess I always knew but it became really clear when I went to court to get the order of protection and they were all there, like the mafia. He was all sad and trying to get them to leave and they wouldn’t. It’s like he’s trapped in their ick. The night of his arrest my MIL left me a nasty voicemail calling me a liar and saying I should take it all back. She’s an attorney, but not a criminal one. She’s insane. I have the hand print on my neck so there was probable cause got arrest... I couldn’t ‘take it all back’ bc the police did their job. So my STBXAH evidently understood the severity of his actions, checked back into detox and treatment. Don’t know or care cause of the order of protection we don’t communicate. About 4 weeks ago, three things happened: 1) STBXAH reaches out to several ppl, seemingly hysterical about my safety and saying his mom was suing us for the condo (that me and daughter live in) and he can’t stop her and is terrified it’ll lead to financial ruin and disruption to daughter. 2) His best friend (who happens to be five years sober)!calls me to say he took AH to the hospital for threatening suicide. He states my mother in law screamed at him and wouldn’t let him in the house to get AH. 3) my attorney sends me the process servers affidavit showing my mother in law lying about AH whereabouts and dodging service for divorce.
I moved on the service by publication and it appears that i’ll get a default divorce if things continue.
Since, I have heard from numerous people that mother in law is preventing service to AH because she wants to sue us to sway to the division of assets in the divorce. STBXAH doesn’t want this, knows he is the reason for all the chaos and lack of stability and doesn’t want her doing this to me. It was what he sited as the trigger for his suicidal depression and she’s apparently been screaming at him and not really letting him just feel the consequences of his choices.
So through all this I have been VERY calm about him having visitation with our daughter. It’s been really hard cause his family members arrange it, as the order of protection prohibits contact EXCEPT through a third party to arrange visitation. His sister was listed on the order of protection but was really being manipulative. Now it’s his brother. I work full time and have a lot on my plate. It’s been rough. Anyhow, this morning my brother in law didn’t show up to pick up daughter. I finally got ahold of his girlfriend. They slept through their alarm and will be there shortly. Whatever. I go out to my car to get something and log into my computer to work, and bam. I get served with a law lawsuit to me and STBXAH suing for possession of our condo.
Here’s where i’m At. I said there won’t be any more visitation with daughter st my mother in laws house. I said I don’t think either party are able to prioritize her well being over their own emotions. I’m furious. All I have wanted for years was to refinance our condo, pay my MIL her equity, and cut her out of my life. It crystal clear she’s an evil abusivd women. And abused her children and is a huge contributing factor in STBXAH emotional problems. Granted he’s totally accountable for himself, but she’s an abuser. She manipulated us with our newborn daughter into letting her be our real estate attorney and said she to mortgage points our lender said she should be on our loan. I’m mortified by my naivety! But I also think I was financially groomed so that she could keep hurting my husband. I’m all tangled up. What hurts me is that I love the **** out of the man I married. I have no words to describe the loss of this man who I adored as his family just abused and harassed and manipulated him and he crumbled into alcoholism to cope. I don’t mean to say he is innocent- he’s a grown man who needed to make different choices. But I now feel like because of my mother in laws choices and actions HE is losing a relationship with his daughter. Rather then being amicable and establishing a parenting schedule, dividing our assets in the divorce, it’s all out war. I can’t leave myself vulnerable to this women. And the only way to protect myself is to annihilated STBXAH. It’s so dysfunctional. I’m so triggered. It’s everything that I feel destroyed my marriage that I couldn’t stop. It’s all the abuse and consequences my STBXAH ran from. Never wanting to confront and separate from his mom bc she wove this web of financial and emotional deceit to keep him dependent. I hate myself for saying this, but I miss him. I miss the person I married. I dunno what I want. Just needed to get it out, I guess. I do t know how a mother can be so evil and hurt so many people for so long.
A very brief summary of my reason for being here. Married a heavy drinker who then very quickly slid down the slippery slope of full blown alcoholism. We were married 8 years. Lots of chaos, lost jobs, pain, fighting, the usual. One DUI, I threatened to leave but didn’t go through. Then after a drunken accident and 911 call last summer, I hit my breaking point and moved out and filed for divorce. The day I was set to serve my husband he checked into detox followed by residential rehab. Like many, I was totally torn by his potential recovery. After lots of negotiated I just kept the divorce proceedings asking for continuation. I moved back to our shared home and asked AH to stay elsewhere. He did really well for months in terms of sobriety. But when he reached that point of working on our marriage and the external stuff I watched him crumble. He has had various dual diagnosis, I suspect there’s a personality disorder, and a series of med changes, poor boundaries on my part, and his issues, led to a relapse and verbal, emotional abuse. One night a few months ago he came into my home drunk, argued, he grabbed me by the neck and threw me down in retaliation for me yelling at him. I called 911, got the support I needed, and got a no contact order of protection. Of course, I sprang into action to get the divorce moving and get him served.
So why am upset today? Well because like probably a lot of people STBXAH has a toxic, enabling, abusive family. I guess I always knew but it became really clear when I went to court to get the order of protection and they were all there, like the mafia. He was all sad and trying to get them to leave and they wouldn’t. It’s like he’s trapped in their ick. The night of his arrest my MIL left me a nasty voicemail calling me a liar and saying I should take it all back. She’s an attorney, but not a criminal one. She’s insane. I have the hand print on my neck so there was probable cause got arrest... I couldn’t ‘take it all back’ bc the police did their job. So my STBXAH evidently understood the severity of his actions, checked back into detox and treatment. Don’t know or care cause of the order of protection we don’t communicate. About 4 weeks ago, three things happened: 1) STBXAH reaches out to several ppl, seemingly hysterical about my safety and saying his mom was suing us for the condo (that me and daughter live in) and he can’t stop her and is terrified it’ll lead to financial ruin and disruption to daughter. 2) His best friend (who happens to be five years sober)!calls me to say he took AH to the hospital for threatening suicide. He states my mother in law screamed at him and wouldn’t let him in the house to get AH. 3) my attorney sends me the process servers affidavit showing my mother in law lying about AH whereabouts and dodging service for divorce.
I moved on the service by publication and it appears that i’ll get a default divorce if things continue.
Since, I have heard from numerous people that mother in law is preventing service to AH because she wants to sue us to sway to the division of assets in the divorce. STBXAH doesn’t want this, knows he is the reason for all the chaos and lack of stability and doesn’t want her doing this to me. It was what he sited as the trigger for his suicidal depression and she’s apparently been screaming at him and not really letting him just feel the consequences of his choices.
So through all this I have been VERY calm about him having visitation with our daughter. It’s been really hard cause his family members arrange it, as the order of protection prohibits contact EXCEPT through a third party to arrange visitation. His sister was listed on the order of protection but was really being manipulative. Now it’s his brother. I work full time and have a lot on my plate. It’s been rough. Anyhow, this morning my brother in law didn’t show up to pick up daughter. I finally got ahold of his girlfriend. They slept through their alarm and will be there shortly. Whatever. I go out to my car to get something and log into my computer to work, and bam. I get served with a law lawsuit to me and STBXAH suing for possession of our condo.
Here’s where i’m At. I said there won’t be any more visitation with daughter st my mother in laws house. I said I don’t think either party are able to prioritize her well being over their own emotions. I’m furious. All I have wanted for years was to refinance our condo, pay my MIL her equity, and cut her out of my life. It crystal clear she’s an evil abusivd women. And abused her children and is a huge contributing factor in STBXAH emotional problems. Granted he’s totally accountable for himself, but she’s an abuser. She manipulated us with our newborn daughter into letting her be our real estate attorney and said she to mortgage points our lender said she should be on our loan. I’m mortified by my naivety! But I also think I was financially groomed so that she could keep hurting my husband. I’m all tangled up. What hurts me is that I love the **** out of the man I married. I have no words to describe the loss of this man who I adored as his family just abused and harassed and manipulated him and he crumbled into alcoholism to cope. I don’t mean to say he is innocent- he’s a grown man who needed to make different choices. But I now feel like because of my mother in laws choices and actions HE is losing a relationship with his daughter. Rather then being amicable and establishing a parenting schedule, dividing our assets in the divorce, it’s all out war. I can’t leave myself vulnerable to this women. And the only way to protect myself is to annihilated STBXAH. It’s so dysfunctional. I’m so triggered. It’s everything that I feel destroyed my marriage that I couldn’t stop. It’s all the abuse and consequences my STBXAH ran from. Never wanting to confront and separate from his mom bc she wove this web of financial and emotional deceit to keep him dependent. I hate myself for saying this, but I miss him. I miss the person I married. I dunno what I want. Just needed to get it out, I guess. I do t know how a mother can be so evil and hurt so many people for so long.
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All the replies and empathy talked me back from the edge. Its comforting but really sad that so many of you have experience with extended family dysfunction and abuse. I guess that’s why so many ppl don’t get out.
I’m still very sad and stressed. I have really decided what to do. Part of me wants to throw everything at this women and take her down. I think her lawsuit will be thrown out. The other part of me says I want to roll over and play dead, walk from my condo and start over. I have been reminding myself repeatedly that either way I win because I end up cutting all ties with her.
I’m trying my best to focus on me and daughter and only what I can control. Easier said then done. I am loved, supported, and I will be free of these people soon. It cannot be more painful then the crap I’ve been put through already.
I’m still very sad and stressed. I have really decided what to do. Part of me wants to throw everything at this women and take her down. I think her lawsuit will be thrown out. The other part of me says I want to roll over and play dead, walk from my condo and start over. I have been reminding myself repeatedly that either way I win because I end up cutting all ties with her.
I’m trying my best to focus on me and daughter and only what I can control. Easier said then done. I am loved, supported, and I will be free of these people soon. It cannot be more painful then the crap I’ve been put through already.
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