Went to therapy came to some conclusions hard decisions

Old 08-07-2018, 07:48 AM
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Went to therapy came to some conclusions hard decisions

I am codependent bad. I wrote it all down since my first relationship at 17 to 34 now I am full blown code empath to people who can't love me back. It usually ends very bad making me hate myself or sometimes I wake up if it's physical and I just walk away as I can't be dodging death for someone I think I love.
My codependent is so bad I believe I have to have money to support my partner when I'm a beautiful, intelligent girl.

Please don't judge me both of my job interviews and current ten hour a week job are phone work. Constant phone. Never powered off. I'm great in sales but now is simply not the time. The interview at 1pm is texting, calling, emailing, relentlessly following up it sounds like stalking. Also, it says keep the Facebook and Instagram current and up to date. No 4th. I will relapse.
We also have established years ago I have complex ptsd from the people, places, and things. She thinks take up a job as a cashier, retail, bookstore or library. My time to shine in sales will be when I love myself. I was up all night last night running to the bathroom all stress, I look 5 years older in one year. I know self care and self love I'll get myself back. I have done NC before and I have left the abuser.
We also agreed at some point it's time for a relocation. The ptsd is a common reminder of all the abuse, saving I did, money I lost. Every street, city has a memory. I'm not looking to run from my problems they are within me but these people will not be. I'm 34 everyone deserves some type of geographical change. I promised myself no fb, no dating for at least 2 years, no sex. I have quality supports in better places. I can not do phone sales and stalking work I don't care if I'm broke and go back to my mom's. I love writing, a successful eBay store I like consignment shopping and putting it on eBay. That's all self made, focusing on me, and thrifting is a hobby. I can't do sales with crying spells or not on my game. At one point while focusing on me I had 72 things on auction and made 20 k in one year. Not bad for a hobby.
I don't enjoy al anon it's very traumatic for me and sad I want to walk out and save. This was my first drunk I was codependent with sober abusers. I chose coda and I choose me. Am I wrong to not take these jobs they pay well but you are damn near stalking a customer and forcing them to do business. Self care/self love and coda/eBay or self soothing job. Along with structuring my days . It hurts I based my self worth on how others felt about me. When I even had money in the past i have said please don't leave I'll pay you to love me. The ***hole drove me to bank of america and said 600 I'll stay. I did it. I did leave him and that was in my twenties I never said that again. I guess this last relationship I can't take anymore I hit bottom I have 7 in my bank account and loads of stuff to EBay. Go find myself who cares what people think. That's been my problem. My phone needs to be off unless navigation or eBay. Answers would help don't hate myself love myself for these decisions.
Ty I will not be stalking someone who ghosted me and really hurt me.
Thanks for reading.
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Old 08-07-2018, 09:19 AM
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Hello there.

I think it's a really good plan to focus on you. Before you can ever be happy with anyone else, and expect to find the right person, you have to be happy with YOU. Only self care and focus will do that. It's work, but it's worth it in the end.

Sending you a big hug and continued support!
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Old 08-07-2018, 11:05 AM
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i would say Keep It Simple.
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Old 08-07-2018, 12:59 PM
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Alanon was a huge help in changing me, so I don't pick the same dysfunctional person again. We must change, and the 12 Steps are a great way to do that.
Big hug.
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