Has he used my daughter to get back into my life
 

I really need to ask this question as it’s playing on my mind a lot.
Long story short...
Dated a guy for 3 years he drank a lot not in the first year he didn’t he hid that well !!!
we started to argue as the drinking got heavier, and yes I was there to cuddle him like everyone else on here seeing to his every need after a heavy night out, listening to his negative thoughts and trying to pick his spirit up as he was so down the constant neediness that would always follow the laying in bed fenching him water like a slave emotionaly I was drained from looking after him.
We split up and yes it hurt because I believed he could change but he couldn’t.
3 years have past and my daughter who is 20 now looked at him like a father, he was the fun one the one that would do anything for her she didn’t see or understand he had a drink problem she just saw him as the fun dad she never had.
He contacted her and asked if she would meet him and his son for lunch, I couldn’t say nothing she’s not a child .
He also messaged me asking if he could see my daughter as her always looked at her like a daughter for all the problems we had I couldn’t knock him for how good he was with her.
She’s been meeting up for lunches with him etc for a few months and I would get the occasional text and then they would get more frequent and he would come round to see my daughter.
Not drunk still the fun guy I fell in love with but now I knew what I didn’t know then was he had hidden demons the drink.
Like I’ve posted before I love been and picked him up from his when he was really drunk (yes I know wrong move ) his stayed at mine the weekend telling my daughter he still loved me etc ...
Yes he was drunk his now gone on holiday with his son first night I had drunken text since then nothing which is good as I know now I can’t go back to having a second child !! And I need to get out of this situation I can’t go back to what it was like 3 years ago his not changed his got worse drinking .
Yesterday he faced timed my daughter and I stayed out the way and he asked how I was she replied she’s good.
Now he has a foot on my door via my daughter and I don’t know what to do.
I can ask her in future when she goes out with him to meet him there and not let him come here but I feel all this with my daughter is a ploy to get a foot back into my life his said we are just friends but are we really, will it be a case of I get with someone he will make is hard for me I’m stuck and the advice I’ve had on here is right I should run and run fast but how do I so this his back on Wednesday and already I’m feeling anxious why couldn’t he just leave us alone and stay out of our lives 😢

Ah, she's 20. I just responded on your other thread.

It's perfectly reasonable for you to ask her to meet him elsewhere. Alcoholics can be lovely people in their sober moments, and very charming and intelligent and witty. Unfortunately this is always a temporary state while in active alcoholism. They're not house trained! If your daughter has issues with this at 20 she can always get her own place and invite him round there, or she can go meet him at his place. Not your problem. Your house, your rules.

Note. They might not like this. BUT, they don't have to. They might think you're being mean, supporting their plans. Doesn't matter. You know you arent being mean but looking out for yourself. If the thought of disappointing them really worries you, it might be looking into that issue a bit more deeply. CoDa is a great fellowship, and their handbook can be very useful. And Codependent No More is a book that has really helped lots of people here.

BB

By the way, I'm presuming that you have re-read your old thread. But if not, please do. It is likely to be painful, but may strengthen your resolve...

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ed-advice.html

Hello Angel,

Welcome back! Really, who knows the mind of an alcoholic except an alcoholic. He may or may not want to re-establish a relationship with you, but that doesn't mean you have to bite!

As you said, he is able to have any sort of conversation with your daughter now that she is an adult. You are also allowed to ask her not to let you know anything he says or asks about you...you have that right.

If it were me, I would explain to your daughter that while she is welcome to Facetime or have lunch with him and his son, whether or not your name comes up in conversation is something you don't need to know about because it just makes you too uncomfortable.

I am sorry, though. Sometimes it is just disconcerting know that someone else is talking about me...I understand.

Thank you I will be having the conversation with my daughter tonight just so she tries and understands the situation thank you again

Hi, Angel.
Certainly telling, not asking, your daughter to leave you out of plans or conversations with ex is a reasonable boundary.
Is he trying to work his way back into your life via your daughter?
Who knows?
But you don’t have to participate.
You made a decision sometime back that this person was not good for ypur mental health and serenity.
Okay to stick to it.
If she doesn’t like it, well, that’s unfortunate, but we will all live.
Not your circus, not your monkeys.

[thank you for your advice QUOTE=Maudcat;6976091]Hi, Angel.
Certainly telling, not asking, your daughter to leave you out of plans or conversations with ex is a reasonable boundary.
Is he trying to work his way back into your life via your daughter?
Who knows?
But you don’t have to participate.
You made a decision sometime back that this person was not good for ypur mental health and serenity.
Okay to stick to it.
If she doesn’t like it, well, that’s unfortunate, but we will all live.
Not your circus, not your monkeys.[/QUOTE]

She’s 20 and underage to drink, is the fun guy perhaps purchasing alcohol for her or giving her whatever she wants again?

This depends on where you are in the world. In the UK it's legal to buy and consume alcohol from 18 years of age, so this wouldn't be an issue.

BB

Right you are, thank you for reminding me SR is world wide and not just in my little corner of the world. :tyou

We are in the uk she is allowed to by her own alcohol and he wouldn’t encourage her to drink his the one with the issues with drink not her
UOTE=atalose;6976182]She’s 20 and underage to drink, is the fun guy perhaps purchasing alcohol for her or giving her whatever she wants again?[/QUOTE]

"No" is a complete sentence! She can do as she likes but advise her she is never to bring him around. Not for any reason.
He's only back in your life if you let him.

Adult or not, IMO it's not healthy for her to keep a relationship with this man or his family, especially if she sees him as a father figure. She saw him one way, but that's not how he really is if he's still actively in addiction. "He was the fun one who'd do anything for her" but this was a mask. She'll likely see through the veil eventually and end up very hurt or disappointed. The fact he's reaching out to her seems like a real boundary violation as well.

Angel,
No new contact means no new hurts.
She is an adult so what you tell her she is going to do what she wants to do. Just tell your daughter to respect your wishes and keep you out of the conversation. If he wants dirt on you and she doesn't share, eventually he will drop her like a hot potato. If he likes her for her, then so be it, its out of your control.

Good reminders. Great skills, honed by using them. :)

Angel, how are you doing today?