hopeful4

I went to dinner with a friend of mine last night. We went to a nice wine bar where I live that also serves food. She just got back from Napa and had heard they had some nice Napa wines there, so she wanted to try it out. Fine w/me.

We had a WONDERFUL time! Such a nice visit. We were getting ready to leave around 9pm and I looked around. There were THREE men there whom I know, with women not their wives. They were clearly "together." One is a business owner, another is a circuit court judge. I know their wives. The other is just a guy I know, but I also know that is definitely not his wife.

My friend and I had sat in the corner so clearly they did not see I was there. The business owner jumped back from the woman he was with when he saw me. The judge looked at me, waived hello, and carried on. He also goes to my church. He will show up and strut around like he just came down from heaven himself on Sunday. It's ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING. They were literally pawing each other. The other couple I don't think ever saw me, or anyone else as they were so engrossed in each other.

What the heck?? I live in a small town. Everyone knows each other. When did this become acceptable?? I just feel disgusted. I don't date currently because I think it would cause trauma to my younger child. Also because I have not found anyone who is not married that I have any interest in. I think the saying all the good ones are taken is true. However, seeing things like that makes me want to never date again!!

dandylion

hopeful....this has been going on since the beginning of time.....you just got to see to see an example of it, up close and personal.....
Yes, it is disgusting.....
(the President does it all the time...as well as scores of other community leaders)…..

I know that it must be harder to date in a small town.....
Ever thought of expanding your geographic circle...?

Mango212

You had a beautiful evening with a friend.

You saw these men for who they really are.


It's possible to treat both of these events as two very different gifts. One the gift of connections and closeness.

The other a gift of inner sight, from God/Higher Power. You know something important about these men. Who they truly are inside. Perhaps, pray on this and ask why this was revealed to you? Maybe:

1. You're learning how to easily discern who you want relationships with, and who you don't. God has your back in this. More is always revealed.

2. Maybe that wine bar isn't a great place to be. Accept the good you enjoyed. Turn down future invites to it.

3. God/Higher Power has a great sense of humour and used you being there to give the one man who seemed to care some great discomfort.

There are many, many good, faithful loving men in this world. It only takes finding one of them, in right timing, when you're ready. (((hugs)))

hopeful4

Yup. I definitely need to expand my geographic circle. I have another town very near that is much bigger, about 80k people versus my town of about 10k. I know people from both, but it's normal to be around people in your own town, unfortunately I cannot "unknow" them LOL.

I don't go out to places like that very often, by choice. Not a big drinker to say the least. It never, ever fails that when I do, there is so many people out cheating on their spouses. I realize it happens all the time. It does not surprise me. However, it did surprise me to see them flaunt it around.

I don't like environments like that, this reinforces why. It's hard to meet nice people because it seems that is what everyone wants to do. The other ones from church or other meeting places are already married LOL.

It's fine, as I said, I am not at all interested in dating. I still had an amazing time with my friend. I have a great circle of people around me who I truly love. It was more just an observation of disgust!

trailmix

I find this totally weird. Granted, I have always lived in a big city.

dandylion

hopeful....I totally get that it is "jarring" when it is the way you saw it.....

Meet-up groups seem to have sprung up everywhere...and, I'll bet that there are a bunch in and around the city of 80K...…

These are groups that meet around a specific interest....and, they don't all meet in bars.....or have drinking as the central activity...
this is a good way to meet people with similar interests and get to know them without the pressure of a "date".....
Just do a google search for meet-up groups in the zip code of your interest....

biminiblue

People cheat in big cities, too.

Jus' sayin'.

I've known a lot of cheater women as well.

My solution is just to stay single. Not my first choice, but the one with the least amount of heartache...I think...

trailmix

Yeah I understand lol

Just saying that in a larger area a person wouldn't have the same opportunity to run in to people as they do in a smaller area (which, and this might be your point, doesn't help at all!!).

atalose

Hopeful4 I think you would be equally surprised to know that many of the wives know they cheat. Just look here on SR on how many woman come here because their husbands are drinking and cheating. Then look at how many women come to SR saying I met this great guy the love of my life but he kind of drinks a lot but I fell hard then found out he’s married but unhappily.

I was very disappointed when I discovered that many who I thought were the “good ones” were snakes and that the wives knew but stay for a variety of reasons while projecting that happily married couple.

trailmix

I've been to a few meetups and had a great time. It was a bit unnerving the first time but after that it's just like meeting friends. After a few times you totally relax. I have met some really really nice people, these are people I would actually be friends with if I was friendlier lol

For me, I don't need a big circle of friends but really enjoy meeting new people and talking to them and it's nice to see familiar faces.

The beauty of meet-up is that you only attend events you feel like going to, no pressure no expectation.

trailmix

Yes, this crossed my mind too atalose. I actually knew a couple like this. She really could not have cared less, it was all on the table. She stayed (for a while) for her own financial reasons.

At home, they were room-mates, nothing more.

Sasha1972

... and some of the crappy ones are taken too, judging by the upstanding individuals you saw.

My experience is that the good (loyal, ethical, committed) ones are still out there, but it can take a while before you find them. Being on your own is vastly preferable to being with someone you can't rely on.

My reaction to scenes like the one you encountered is "thank God that's not me" - either the cheater or the affair partner. Both would be corrosive to self-respect and self-esteem, I think.

SmallButMighty

I used to be really, REALLY judgmental about people who cheated. Don't get me wrong, I still don't condone it, I wouldn't do it, I wouldn't stay with someone that did it to me.. that's my choice... but I don't judge other people for it anymore.

A couple things happened that changed my self righteous point of view.

#1. AXH's aunt had an affair when we were still 18-20ish. I thought that was just the worst thing EVER. Uncle was such a jolly happy bear of a man how could she DO THAT??!! For years after that I considered her "a s*** and a w****"... when I was round 30 I learned that Uncle was actually a closet alcoholic who would scare the crap out of his family so badly they would hide in a bedroom pushing the dresser up against the door then prop themselves against the wall and hold the dresser against the door with their feet. I do not know if he ever actually physically harmed anyone. It was upon learning this that I had an "a-ha moment" ... like OK, maybe if she was treated with this type of brutality at home I could understand why she would seek tender loving care elsewhere.... again, not to condone her cheating, but I realized I made one hell of a judgement call with out having all the facts.

#2 One of my best friends calls me broken beyond broken, her husband is leaving her and their closest couple friend is encouraging him to take her kids and she is understandably freaking out.. blah blah blah lots of talking for a couple days and then it comes out, " ...well it doesn't matter if I did or didn't have an affair"... ummmmm, yes, it kind of does... that's a big deal, I understand why he is mad but you have been my friend 30 years, I don't condone what you did but I love you and I'll support you going forward... They eventually get everything patched up and decide to stay together. Not long after that I learn that they are in an OPEN MARRIAGE (I had no idea, but not my business) and this was a situation that got out of hand and crossed whatever boundary they are supposed to have. So again, I don't condone cheating ( whatever the terms are for you and your partner) but I can see how being in a relationship where you both knowingly having relations with other people and swing with other couples... things could go sideways. Not surprisingly a few years later they had the same issue happen again only this time it was him and not her... again they patched it up.

In my life, between me and my partner, cheating is unacceptable, an absolute deal breaker. For me any relationship is all about Trust... monogamy is part of that in my romantic life. But that's me, other people feel differently, not my business.

What other people do.. well that's on them. They all have a whole lot of factors going on in their lives that we absolutely know nothing about, and reasons for making the choices they make.

BlownOne

I'm going to play devil's advocate here. I'm not advocating infidelity of any kind, but do you know the entire situation for a fact? Were all three of these men with three different women (not their wives) in a romantic way? Seems to me it would be a little foolish for three married men to be so brazen about infidelity in small community (not that it doesn't happen). I can't help but wonder if there isn't something else going on. Perhaps they have open marriages, or swing. Are any of them separated or divorcing? Could it have been a reunion of old business acquaintances? Any number of things are possible, along with the most obvious. Maybe I'm just too naïve about human nature.

tomsteve

I live in a small town
versus my town of about 10k.
makes the town i lived in until 4 years ago(population about 3,000) seem like a reeeeeallllly small dot on the map.
and i saw the same quite often in podunk. couldnt believe men and women had the audacity to show they were cheating out in public.

hell, id go out to eat and everyone in town knew what i ordered before i did!

hopeful4

Yup. They were with them romantically, very obviously. I talked to a friend about this today and she told me that place is sort of known for that. Who knew!? Not me, that's for sure.

The judge who goes to my church has the nicest wife. She is so kind and everyone loves her. He is an alcoholic and has cheated on her with different women for YEARS. She has to know. Yet the brazen way he was so open about it is disgusting to me. He portrays himself to be a man of God at church, and funny enough, is the judge who is the hardest in court on the drinkers. Never mind he is an alcoholic himself. Yup. I know that firsthand with 100% certainty.

The other one's wife has no idea. She would bury a stiletto in the other woman's head if she knew. However, this is their second marriage, and guess how they met?! She was the other woman!

The third couple I have no idea. I only know him, and not his wife. I have met her a couple of times, but have no knowledge of the type of relationship they have.

I definitely know what I saw, it was not some business meet up, that is for sure LOL! Needless to say, that place is not somewhere I will go again.

hopeful4

I guess this is all just more about the human race than it is about these men. So many people do not seem to have a value system anymore. It's just become "normal" to cheat. It's become "normal" to get divorced. It makes me sad. I want better for my children and for the children of these gentlemen that were there last night. My youngest hangs out on occasion with the business man's child. It's hard not to think of that when you see something like that.

You would think with a population of 80k there would be meetups, but there are only two. One is to get together to make essential oils (and I am sure try to sell you those), and the other is for Star Wars fans LOL. I am an extrovert and don't really have problems meeting people, but it seems all anyone does is go to drinking establishments, which is not where I want to meet someone.

I am definitely fine on my own. I am happy. I would 100% rather be on my own than be in anything other than the perfect relationship, and I don't really think that exists. I have always taken care of everything in my household even when I was married. I like to spend time with friends, with family, and I do not at all mind being alone, even if it's forever.

BlownOne

Jeeze. I guess I really am naive. Think I just lost a little bit more faith in humanity.

Aeryn

I'm with you on this 10000%. Every time I tell one of my friends in a relationship I don't want one they seem to think I'm "wrong" somehow or that I "secretly" want one or that I'm "missing out" not having one....LOL. I considered that (the idea of maybe I'm missing out) and I realized the following: I do NOT want to show some man my phone or my email to prove I'm honest I'm plain not interested in proving myself to anyone, I do NOT accept anyone questioning my honesty I just don't and men these days that I've experienced seem to like to do that kinda of thing, I do NOT want some man giving me his opinion on what I should or shouldn't do (I'm a capable adult and don't need his help..sorry not sorry if that hurts his ego), I like my alone time so no I don't want to come home from teaching my night class at 10pm and feel obligated to chat it up with some man, and I definitely don't want to have to worry about some man cheating on me or messing up my finances or getting involved with raising my daughter I had her alone for a reason and I don't want some man helping me raise her...and I do apologize for calling a potential mate "some man" but that's how I feel at the moment, I realize there may be some good ones hiding like needles in the haystack but chances are I'm going to find hay and I'm raising an infant right now and have no time for hay with the slim hope of a needle.

As for the cheating...well my attitude on that is if others want to deal with the drama of cheating in a relationship that's on them, all I can control is me and I choose not to be in those types of situations. My XRAH wasn't a cheater (I only had one cheater relationship back in High School) but he was a financial disaster and my one relationship since then was a bossy opinionated guy who thought his job in life was to "school me" on how to do everything his way which was of course better. I guess I'm jaded on the whole relationship experience. Add this normalcy and acceptance of cheating and I'm even more jaded!!

Could I change my mind? Yeah maybe but I doubt it...lightening would have to strike with some guy I'm not expecting showing up being a bunch of qualities I also am not expecting.

teatreeoil007

I try to withold judgment of others for having extramarital affairs. I don't condone, but I try not to condemn. I think in many or most cases there is a reason for it. I also feel there are other ways to "cheat" on your spouse besides stepping out and dating someone else. There is emotional infidelity, financial infidelity, and cheating because of addictions (being more attached to the addiction than to the spouse).

Having said that....affairs are often too much work and overall take their toll. People want love, affection, support, care...they don't always get that from their spouse. But they don't always get it from the affair partner, either.

One of my friends once became involved with a married man. She was divorced. One way in which she justified the affair was she told me his was an "open marriage" and she was good friends with his wife and his wife knew about his extramarital relationship with her. I tried not to judge it. They had a relationship for a year to two, but it didn't last. For various reasons, I'm sure. She ended up feeling like the "third wheel" a lot of the time. He was perhaps a good friend and advocate at first. He helped her heal from her ex husband. But there was also a dark side to him...very dark. So the relationship fizzled out. She found out he actually had a power trip in his mind that he could have many women....like a harem. I think she got weary of it, eventually.