Cheaters all around, it makes me SICK!!!!
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by BlownOne 
Jeeze. I guess I really am naive. Think I just lost a little bit more faith in humanity.
I'm sure that they are still in the minority. The alcoholic, well, it kinda comes with the territory. Honesty and alcoholism rarely go hand in hand, and often people pained by their own sin can be the harshest judges of others doing the same thing because it reminds them of their own wrongdoing, which is something that no active alcoholic can stand.
As a churchgoer I'm sure you don't really believe that everyone goes there convinced of their righteousness. We are all sinners to some degree or another after all, but God meets us where we are. Church needs to be a refuge for the weak and broken, not just a showcase for the contented.
Why not just try praying for them and their families? Your judgement helps nothing, but your prayers might.
BB
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
I had to learn its none of my business, whether men, women, married....and that means it is also not my business that my husband's ex wife cheated on him multiple times, nor how he handled it. I know what is right for me and our marriage, and that keeps me plenty occupied.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by hopeful4
I think the saying all the good ones are taken is true. However, seeing things like that makes me want to never date again!!
I think there are a ridiculous number of selfish, spoiled, entitled men who were raised that way and decided to continue to act that way as adults because they benefit from it in some way. These men were raised to define their identity by the things (and people) they can control. I also think there are lot of women who were raised to define their identity by their relationships with the people they serve. It may be that the wives know about the behavior of these cheating men... but they just accept it or ignore it.
The men that you described seem to be "decent" men until you discovered they were not. One was a church-going judge. Actually, the number of people in really "important" professions who are narcissists is quite high. If someone told me that a judge, a professor, a police officer... etc... was cheating on his spouse, I would not be at all surprised (no offense if you are one of these things... not everyone is like that, of course!).
I was in a marriage with a man who was extremely self-centered and dishonest... so he wasn't one of the "good ones", although many people thought he was, because he would always make sure he looked good in public. In fact, if he could make himself look better in public by throwing me under the bus, he would do it. Because of social pressures, because I loved him because I empathized with him, because we have an idea of what males in general are supposed to "be like", I simply thought "well, he did this or that... but no one is perfect and relationships are about compromise." I was also repeatedly told to "take care" of him, to feed him... etc. Cis-gendered wives in heterosexual relationships are made to think they need to baby grown men. Interestingly, no one expected my ex to compromise. So he became a man-baby.
But hey, f*** that.
I don't have the time or the energy to get to know another intimate partner and by the time I am ready (having recovered) for it, the five minute block of time that is left of my relative youthfulness would have expired like milk you forgot was open but left in the pantry... last year.
I don't think you are missing out on a "good" man... but then again, I've become really jaded. Sure, there are good men out there. Some of them post on SR. Are they really "good" men or are they in relationships where some woman thinks it's her "job" to pick up his soggy bath towels, organize his social calendar so that he remembers his own mother's birthday, and sleep with him whenever he feels like it? I'm sure this is fine for a lot of people. I mean, there's nothing wrong with it if you want it. It sure beats living with someone who keeps ODing on their DOC.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
Originally Posted by SmallButMighty
I used to be really, REALLY judgmental about people who cheated. Don't get me wrong, I still don't condone it, I wouldn't do it, I wouldn't stay with someone that did it to me.. that's my choice... but I don't judge other people for it anymore.
A couple things happened that changed my self righteous point of view.
#1. AXH's aunt had an affair when we were still 18-20ish. I thought that was just the worst thing EVER. Uncle was such a jolly happy bear of a man how could she DO THAT??!! For years after that I considered her "a s*** and a w****"... when I was round 30 I learned that Uncle was actually a closet alcoholic who would scare the crap out of his family so badly they would hide in a bedroom pushing the dresser up against the door then prop themselves against the wall and hold the dresser against the door with their feet. I do not know if he ever actually physically harmed anyone. It was upon learning this that I had an "a-ha moment" ... like OK, maybe if she was treated with this type of brutality at home I could understand why she would seek tender loving care elsewhere.... again, not to condone her cheating, but I realized I made one hell of a judgement call with out having all the facts.
#2 One of my best friends calls me broken beyond broken, her husband is leaving her and their closest couple friend is encouraging him to take her kids and she is understandably freaking out.. blah blah blah lots of talking for a couple days and then it comes out, " ...well it doesn't matter if I did or didn't have an affair"... ummmmm, yes, it kind of does... that's a big deal, I understand why he is mad but you have been my friend 30 years, I don't condone what you did but I love you and I'll support you going forward... They eventually get everything patched up and decide to stay together. Not long after that I learn that they are in an OPEN MARRIAGE (I had no idea, but not my business) and this was a situation that got out of hand and crossed whatever boundary they are supposed to have. So again, I don't condone cheating ( whatever the terms are for you and your partner) but I can see how being in a relationship where you both knowingly having relations with other people and swing with other couples... things could go sideways. Not surprisingly a few years later they had the same issue happen again only this time it was him and not her... again they patched it up.
In my life, between me and my partner, cheating is unacceptable, an absolute deal breaker. For me any relationship is all about Trust... monogamy is part of that in my romantic life. But that's me, other people feel differently, not my business.
What other people do.. well that's on them. They all have a whole lot of factors going on in their lives that we absolutely know nothing about, and reasons for making the choices they make.
A couple things happened that changed my self righteous point of view.
#1. AXH's aunt had an affair when we were still 18-20ish. I thought that was just the worst thing EVER. Uncle was such a jolly happy bear of a man how could she DO THAT??!! For years after that I considered her "a s*** and a w****"... when I was round 30 I learned that Uncle was actually a closet alcoholic who would scare the crap out of his family so badly they would hide in a bedroom pushing the dresser up against the door then prop themselves against the wall and hold the dresser against the door with their feet. I do not know if he ever actually physically harmed anyone. It was upon learning this that I had an "a-ha moment" ... like OK, maybe if she was treated with this type of brutality at home I could understand why she would seek tender loving care elsewhere.... again, not to condone her cheating, but I realized I made one hell of a judgement call with out having all the facts.
#2 One of my best friends calls me broken beyond broken, her husband is leaving her and their closest couple friend is encouraging him to take her kids and she is understandably freaking out.. blah blah blah lots of talking for a couple days and then it comes out, " ...well it doesn't matter if I did or didn't have an affair"... ummmmm, yes, it kind of does... that's a big deal, I understand why he is mad but you have been my friend 30 years, I don't condone what you did but I love you and I'll support you going forward... They eventually get everything patched up and decide to stay together. Not long after that I learn that they are in an OPEN MARRIAGE (I had no idea, but not my business) and this was a situation that got out of hand and crossed whatever boundary they are supposed to have. So again, I don't condone cheating ( whatever the terms are for you and your partner) but I can see how being in a relationship where you both knowingly having relations with other people and swing with other couples... things could go sideways. Not surprisingly a few years later they had the same issue happen again only this time it was him and not her... again they patched it up.
In my life, between me and my partner, cheating is unacceptable, an absolute deal breaker. For me any relationship is all about Trust... monogamy is part of that in my romantic life. But that's me, other people feel differently, not my business.
What other people do.. well that's on them. They all have a whole lot of factors going on in their lives that we absolutely know nothing about, and reasons for making the choices they make.
I feel the same. The older I get the less judgmental I get.
One of my dear friends had an affair. There was something in her marriage that was "strange" but she would never tell me what it was. I think this was the only way she had the courage to leave. She got divorced, they got married, and they are still happily together 15+ years later.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
you've given them an awful lot of space in your head, and influence over your emotions, considering that your business is you, their business is them, and all of you are not each other's business. They reflect on them, not men in general, just as a cheating woman reflects on her, not on women in general.
I know many men who cheat. I know many men who don't, and have wives who are truly their best friends. The lives of all of these men are none of my business.
I know many men who cheat. I know many men who don't, and have wives who are truly their best friends. The lives of all of these men are none of my business.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Originally Posted by Cyranoak
you've given them an awful lot of space in your head, and influence over your emotions, considering that your business is you, their business is them, and all of you are not each other's business. They reflect on them, not men in general, just as a cheating woman reflects on her, not on women in general.
I know many men who cheat. I know many men who don't, and have wives who are truly their best friends. The lives of all of these men are none of my business.
I know many men who cheat. I know many men who don't, and have wives who are truly their best friends. The lives of all of these men are none of my business.
Funny enough, I bumped into business man's wife over the weekend. I said nothing of course about it, but she did tell me she filed for divorce b/c he won't stop cheating. I just told her I wish her and her kids all the best and went on about my business.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,636
Originally Posted by hopeful4
Actually I have not given this a lot of space in my head. It was more of a disgusted observation. I am happy being me.
Funny enough, I bumped into business man's wife over the weekend. I said nothing of course about it, but she did tell me she filed for divorce b/c he won't stop cheating. I just told her I wish her and her kids all the best and went on about my business.
Funny enough, I bumped into business man's wife over the weekend. I said nothing of course about it, but she did tell me she filed for divorce b/c he won't stop cheating. I just told her I wish her and her kids all the best and went on about my business.
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