Where I am today, hi!
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
Where I am today, hi!
Hi friends! It has been so long I am not even sure where I left off 
I wanted to send a recap just to let everyone know how things are (not that you care to read all that!lol)
I believe last I wrote, my xABF was just having amputation surgery to his feet from the frostbite he endured while on a binge. That was certainly a difficult time for me (and certainly and obviously more-so him)...but for my own experience it was hard because things were spiraling now at an irreversible level. It finally hit. He finally pushed his luck and it pushed right back. With a vengeance. This was back in February/March. I did go see him in the hospital and kept in touch, albeit at a distance, simply because despite all he put me through I cared deeply for him as a human. and he was in bad shape. I don't regret that decision either even if many would say that was a mistake.
We stayed in touch the last many months while he recovered at his mother's home whom he was really blessed to allow him back in. I became a friend to him and felt strong enough to vocalize it. That in and of itself was very challenging for me. That was the thing, after all we went through I was still afraid to tell him it was enough for me to end the relationship. Yes, I still allowed him to be my friend, but I physically couldn't give anymore as a partner or a girlfriend. I was completely tapped out now. Totally spent.
Hearing about his physical recovery was hard, seeing him with half his feet gone was hard. That vain man that he once was. I cried with him on the phone when they took him to surgery. And then I breathed and survived. He did too. He has been sober for 6 months now. I don't track it like I use to, but sure deep inside I smile at that. I don't see him anymore, but we still stay in touch. He wants badly to get back together, but I know what would happen again, and I really have been enjoying the calmer and saner life. Admittedly I saw him not long ago once he was able to walk again, we met for coffee and it started to feel like we were back in a relationship, doing the same things...reminiscing how it use to be. And it scared the hell out of me. I knew something was different and I finally couldn't go back. For real this time. And I stayed back.
I still have much to learn. I am still afraid of hurting people who hurt me tremendously. I still sometimes feel pangs of guilt at what happened to him. I still wonder why I didn't look hard enough for him out there the night we got 12 inches of snow. I still haven't told him to buzz off out of my life. I still feel elements of control from him and still feel the familiar pang of guilt when I have to say no. But I can at least say it and follow through even if the emotions inside don't always cooperate the same.
I have been dating. I don't tell him that, though he asks and it is my business now. I went out with a man for a couple of months and realized the flags (nothing severe just things I didn't want) and was able to stop going out with him instead of feeling guilty for not liking him anymore. For "losing interest". I have since dated other people and have enjoyed being treated nicely, even if nothing serious. My relationship has dramatically improved with my sister. No longer is there the silent shame of disapproval (though she does like to ask me if I am sleeping with someone I am seeing and does sometimes say things that are disapproving).....but overall, it feels real nice not to hide anymore. To live honestly. To not try and juggle that secret life I held onto for so many years. To no longer have the exhaustion of keeping the lies straight
I now hope to fall in love again. To have a family with someone who won't do the things I have been around. Who will love me and be ok with me, and someone I can be independent around and I am not told terrible things or yelled at and accused of things I didn't do. I would just like to find a kind heart who will be okay with simple me and just be, well, nice to me
Keep fighting guys....it's a hell of a battle, but there is hope to come out of it for sure. Still a bit to go, but I think over the hump now.
xoxo
I wanted to send a recap just to let everyone know how things are (not that you care to read all that!lol)I believe last I wrote, my xABF was just having amputation surgery to his feet from the frostbite he endured while on a binge. That was certainly a difficult time for me (and certainly and obviously more-so him)...but for my own experience it was hard because things were spiraling now at an irreversible level. It finally hit. He finally pushed his luck and it pushed right back. With a vengeance. This was back in February/March. I did go see him in the hospital and kept in touch, albeit at a distance, simply because despite all he put me through I cared deeply for him as a human. and he was in bad shape. I don't regret that decision either even if many would say that was a mistake.
We stayed in touch the last many months while he recovered at his mother's home whom he was really blessed to allow him back in. I became a friend to him and felt strong enough to vocalize it. That in and of itself was very challenging for me. That was the thing, after all we went through I was still afraid to tell him it was enough for me to end the relationship. Yes, I still allowed him to be my friend, but I physically couldn't give anymore as a partner or a girlfriend. I was completely tapped out now. Totally spent.
Hearing about his physical recovery was hard, seeing him with half his feet gone was hard. That vain man that he once was. I cried with him on the phone when they took him to surgery. And then I breathed and survived. He did too. He has been sober for 6 months now. I don't track it like I use to, but sure deep inside I smile at that. I don't see him anymore, but we still stay in touch. He wants badly to get back together, but I know what would happen again, and I really have been enjoying the calmer and saner life. Admittedly I saw him not long ago once he was able to walk again, we met for coffee and it started to feel like we were back in a relationship, doing the same things...reminiscing how it use to be. And it scared the hell out of me. I knew something was different and I finally couldn't go back. For real this time. And I stayed back.
I still have much to learn. I am still afraid of hurting people who hurt me tremendously. I still sometimes feel pangs of guilt at what happened to him. I still wonder why I didn't look hard enough for him out there the night we got 12 inches of snow. I still haven't told him to buzz off out of my life. I still feel elements of control from him and still feel the familiar pang of guilt when I have to say no. But I can at least say it and follow through even if the emotions inside don't always cooperate the same.
I have been dating. I don't tell him that, though he asks and it is my business now. I went out with a man for a couple of months and realized the flags (nothing severe just things I didn't want) and was able to stop going out with him instead of feeling guilty for not liking him anymore. For "losing interest". I have since dated other people and have enjoyed being treated nicely, even if nothing serious. My relationship has dramatically improved with my sister. No longer is there the silent shame of disapproval (though she does like to ask me if I am sleeping with someone I am seeing and does sometimes say things that are disapproving).....but overall, it feels real nice not to hide anymore. To live honestly. To not try and juggle that secret life I held onto for so many years. To no longer have the exhaustion of keeping the lies straight
I now hope to fall in love again. To have a family with someone who won't do the things I have been around. Who will love me and be ok with me, and someone I can be independent around and I am not told terrible things or yelled at and accused of things I didn't do. I would just like to find a kind heart who will be okay with simple me and just be, well, nice to me
Keep fighting guys....it's a hell of a battle, but there is hope to come out of it for sure. Still a bit to go, but I think over the hump now.
xoxo
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
And then I breathed and survived. He did too. He has been sober for 6 months now. I don't track it like I use to, but sure deep inside I smile at that.
I smile at this, too.
I now hope to fall in love again. To have a family with someone who won't do the things I have been around. Who will love me and be ok with me, and someone I can be independent around
This sounds wonderful.
One day at a time, magic happens.
I smile at this, too.
I now hope to fall in love again. To have a family with someone who won't do the things I have been around. Who will love me and be ok with me, and someone I can be independent around
This sounds wonderful.
One day at a time, magic happens.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
I'm so happy for you!
I have thought about you a couple of times over the last few weeks and wondered how you are getting on.
I'm so happy to hear your update!
As brutal as it was - and it really was BRUTAL look how much you learned about yourself and look how strong you are now.
While you still get twinges of guilt here and there you aren't acting on it, like in the example you gave of not continuing to date someone you weren't really happy with. This strength will become your new normal I think.
What finally changed for you with your XBF? How were you finally able to distance yourself?
I have thought about you a couple of times over the last few weeks and wondered how you are getting on.
I'm so happy to hear your update!
As brutal as it was - and it really was BRUTAL look how much you learned about yourself and look how strong you are now.
While you still get twinges of guilt here and there you aren't acting on it, like in the example you gave of not continuing to date someone you weren't really happy with. This strength will become your new normal I think.
What finally changed for you with your XBF? How were you finally able to distance yourself?
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I was just thinking about you yesterday! Thank you for the update. I am so proud of all the progress you have made! You are right, it's a hell of a battle, but you came out the other side!
Take care of yourself friend!!!
Take care of yourself friend!!!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Thanks for checking in Smarie! I've thought about you several times and was hoping you were were still fighting the good fight. It's very awesome to see this update.
I hope you ex continues on his path of sobriety both for himself and for his son's sake... also for all his other loved ones
I hope you ex continues on his path of sobriety both for himself and for his son's sake... also for all his other loved ones
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: North Yorkshire UK
Posts: 765
You really are a wonderous wordsmith. You write beautifully....i think youve a book or two inside you waiting to be written.
"He finally pushed his luck and it pushed right back. With a vengeance."
All the best. Xx
"He finally pushed his luck and it pushed right back. With a vengeance."
All the best. Xx
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Join Date: Sep 2016
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Posts: 869
Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart 
So glad to hear from you! You sound so much lighter and freer. I wish nothing but good life and wisdom for you.
This really made my day.
This really made my day.
Thank you so much ...I do feel so much lighter...it's incredible
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Join Date: Sep 2016
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Originally Posted by trailmix
I'm so happy for you!
I have thought about you a couple of times over the last few weeks and wondered how you are getting on.
I'm so happy to hear your update!
As brutal as it was - and it really was BRUTAL look how much you learned about yourself and look how strong you are now.
While you still get twinges of guilt here and there you aren't acting on it, like in the example you gave of not continuing to date someone you weren't really happy with. This strength will become your new normal I think.
What finally changed for you with your XBF? How were you finally able to distance yourself?
I have thought about you a couple of times over the last few weeks and wondered how you are getting on.
I'm so happy to hear your update!
As brutal as it was - and it really was BRUTAL look how much you learned about yourself and look how strong you are now.
While you still get twinges of guilt here and there you aren't acting on it, like in the example you gave of not continuing to date someone you weren't really happy with. This strength will become your new normal I think.
What finally changed for you with your XBF? How were you finally able to distance yourself?
Not to mention, he's doing well and staying sober, being a full time dad (yay!) and I have a pretty good idea that a good chunk of it is because "something changed since something changed". He returned back to a new job also, downtown, so a part of his life is back to normal and of course I wonder how long he will sustain before old habits surface. He commutes to and from work to his mother's and sure you wonder what it might take to walk to the bar on the way to the train. But the beauty of it is we now both have a fighting chance at another life, a better one. And if he does walk into that liquor store, it doesn't impact my life any longer. I pray and love from afar now.
Thank you again for your kind words of support. Put such a smile on my face
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Originally Posted by soberista
You really are a wonderous wordsmith. You write beautifully....i think youve a book or two inside you waiting to be written.
"He finally pushed his luck and it pushed right back. With a vengeance."
All the best. Xx
"He finally pushed his luck and it pushed right back. With a vengeance."
All the best. Xx
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
Originally Posted by Smarie78
Couldn't be more flattered. I love to write. it's helped me through all of this hell. Thank you so much for making my day with that right there. xoxo
Good to read your update.
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