growingstronger

As I try to move on without my son in my life - I struggle. Although he is not drinking his behavior is much he same. It’s painful to have him angry as he is now; and it’s paindul to have him around when he is not angry. Either way I feel like I lose. I try to move forward with hope for a better day. Sometimes I feel hope makes me sad and impatient. Is it better to just move forward without hoping for better?

SparkleKitty

I think there is nothing wrong with having hope--but what you're describing is more like expectation.

Expectation is an alarm that goes off every five minutes. Hope is background music, as loud or as soft as you decide it is. You know it's there, but it's not interrupting you all the time and intruding upon your peace, dictating your life without reason or purpose.

FireSprite

I sort of try to think of Hope through the lens of Detachment.

Hope doesn't come with guarantees - I hope to win the lottery but I don't quit my job & start spending my winnings just because I bought a ticket for the next drawing. I'm detached, but hopeful.

hearthealth

Change is such a slow process. Much slower than I would like. When you look day by day I don't notice much but I still live with hope. It took me a year to realize things are different. Some days are better than others but overall things are better.

hopeful4

This!!! I completely agree with you Sparkle!

growingstronger

It is slow that is for sure. I do have better days than others. It seems that the bad ones hit hard and is overwhelming.

growingstronger

Based on that description I have an expectation. How do I change it to hope ?
Missing the peace part maybe.

dandylion

growingstronger….the thing that has helped me the most is to learn that I had to love from a distance.....
they are not out of your life....they are still there....just at a distance....

trailmix

I think the hope part will always be there. The expectation has to be lowered or dropped.

Expectations are all about what we want, what we expect. You want your Son to be sober and mature and live up to his potential and be kind and loving.

Now, nothing wrong with that per-se until you get in to the part that you expect this from him. That's not who he is right now. Acceptance. You actually have to accept him just the way he is. You don't have to like it all the time, you certainly don't have to tolerate any bad behaviour but you need to accept that is who he is.

Try it on for size. What if you just drop that big burden you have been carrying around and just say, this is how it is. This is how he is. I will accept him just the way he is.

You didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it.

qtpi

Hope is well spent on your self and your own life.
What can you control? Your own self- not anyone else.

DD and I have reconnected, but it is not the relationship I hoped for. She is not kind and loving and I finally understand I can't make her be. I am hoping someday the relationship will evolve, but for now I accept her as she is, and am grateful we are in touch.

Meanwhile, I have some kind loving people in my life and I am grateful for them.

hearthealth

IMO, hope is emotional. I hope he is happy when he stops by tonight. Expectations are physical. I expect him to be happy when he's here tonight. What will you do if he's not happy?

FireSprite

I like what trailmix said about Acceptance & to me, detachment is also really important to GET to the point of acceptance. I shared this the other day:

"Detachment isn't the same as indifference. When you Let Go you aren't saying, I don't care what happens; you're saying, I am open to whatever happens.

When It comes, then I will know the next step to take." ~Deepak Chopra

growingstronger

How did the re connection come about if you don't mind me asking?

Freedom1990

I have given up hope for my 40 year-old AD. For me, hope is an emotion based on potential future events. She's been at it since age 15.

I have replaced hope with faith, faith that a loving God watches over her and has plans for her. He has done the same for me. I should have been dead decades ago, but God was always there and I kept trying to run away from him.

I sleep well at night knowing I have placed her in God's loving hands. Gentle hugs to you from Kansas.

qtpi

I worked with a therapist who helped me stand up for myself with my daughter. I would no longer tolerate rude behavior. DD actually reached out to me and wanted to reconnect, so we saw a counselor together at her request. Is it better? Yes. Is it great? no. I do hope it will evolve but I am glad I refused to take any more abuse from her.

SmallButMighty

I decided to step back and stop trying to force things with my kids. I raised them to be polite respectful people and I didn't like being around them when they were acting less than that.

I knew that they were hurt and confused, and seriously p*ssed off at me because I had been the one to change our family dynamic (when I left their Dad after more than 2 decades together) I also know that hurt people - hurt people. We were ALL hurting.. problem was that no one cared about MY pain because I was perceived as the "bad guy" in the equation.

I left them to themselves and focused on getting through my days one minute at a time. It was the worst time in my life and my young adult children made it so much worse.

After a disastrous relationship of her own, my 21yr daughter , despite having been vicious to me, knew she could lean on me for support ( her at-the-time-live-in-boyfriend was drinking heavily)...I suggested she read, "Codependent No More" , aside from her own developing issues, I am sure she saw her parents and grandparents in every page of that book... that was 3 years ago... She is 24 now and we are best friends.

My son is 20 and still being difficult with me. He has asked for space and I am honoring that. He told me he thinks I am selfish. I have not JADE'd. Ohhhhh could I !!!!! But I haven't... I am holding out hope he will gain some life experience/ maturity and come around on his own. Eventually he will be able to see the bigger picture. If not then so be it.

I raised my kids to be independent adults. That's what they are now. They can choose to be friends with me or they can choose not to be. Just like I can choose to exclude them from my space if they start treating me badly or acting in ways that are disrespectful. I gave them life, but I accepted a long time ago that I don't get to dictate what they do with that life.

My mother still views my brother and I as extensions of herself. She will NOT let it go. She tells me I am still her baby. I tell her no, I will always be your child but I am NOT a baby... she will argue with me about this. I no longer engage... I hang up or leave. She still codependently coddles my 44yr old brother, who still lives on her property...all expenses paid for $400/m and he still treats her like crap... because she lets him..because she still gets to play mommy... it's sick

My point to that whole long diatribe is: there is a lot to be said about letting go.

It's not giving up, it's just not trying to control things you can't possibly control.

Trust me, I get it. I miss my son like a gaping hole in my heart, but I still love him and I know he loves me. We just can't be friends right now... and that is OK.

qtpi

Thank you small but mighty! I am so sorry you are going through this but your positive attitude helps me. DS has nothing to do with me. I need to work on developing a new life - that meets my needs and dreams.