Quick question retaliation or consequences?
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Quick question retaliation or consequences?
I get up extra early to make breakfast and pack lunches for everyone. I also cook dinner in the evenings. This morning I noticed a bank notification of a fast food charge last night. I asked AH about it. He got irritable with me and asked me if there was anything else I’d like to grill him about. So I said f*ck it they can make their own damn food (my youngest is at my moms)
Here is my reasoning
I get up between 430 and 5am to make sure I can take care of dogs and do all the food stuff and get ready for work while everyone else lazes about in bed. Why should I go out of my way to do stuff for them? Also I’m annoyed because they chose to eat fast food when I cook at home so why bother doing it? I’ll cook for myself and my youngest and let them fend for themselves. I’m trying hard not to be petty but why am I doing all of this stuff when they clearly don’t appreciate it? not to mention I set a pretty clear budget and that does not include a bunch of junk food.
Anyways y’all tell me if I’m being unreasonable-Thanks
Here is my reasoning
I get up between 430 and 5am to make sure I can take care of dogs and do all the food stuff and get ready for work while everyone else lazes about in bed. Why should I go out of my way to do stuff for them? Also I’m annoyed because they chose to eat fast food when I cook at home so why bother doing it? I’ll cook for myself and my youngest and let them fend for themselves. I’m trying hard not to be petty but why am I doing all of this stuff when they clearly don’t appreciate it? not to mention I set a pretty clear budget and that does not include a bunch of junk food.
Anyways y’all tell me if I’m being unreasonable-Thanks
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I guess it depends. Does this happen on a regular basis? If so, I would say yes, you have a right to be upset. If not, and it's just fast food on occasion, I would say you are overreacting.
I completely get how frustrating it is when you work your hide off and it's not appreciated and they don't help. What I am realizing in therapy right now is that some of that is on me. I am super frustrated with my kids this summer. However, I am realizing that I need to TELL THEM what I need, in a calm and concise manner, one time and let them know what will happen if it's not done. Calm. In other words, you need to do the dishes today, if it's not done, no phone tonight. AND STICK TO IT!
I know it's harder with a significant other than children, but the same as well. I did this for a period of time with my XAH. I told him if he could not pick up his clothes and take them to the laundry room, I would not do any of his laundry. I said nothing else. Then, I followed through. He started asking me about a week later if he had any clean clothes. I pointed to the corner I had been kicking his clothes to, and reminded him what I said. Needless to say, they got to the laundry from then on. Same with my kids.
It's really hard to change your mindset, or at least it is for me. I expect my kids to just do these things. What my therapist told me is that they are not going to have the same pride of ownership of my home as I do from immaturity and that it's not their work that has earned the home. That I have to be clear and calm, express my expectations of them, and if it's not done, to follow through all the while with no yelling.
It's hard, but she is so right.
I don't know if any of these things apply in your situation, but it sure hit home in mine. I hope any of this helps. I send you a big hug!
I completely get how frustrating it is when you work your hide off and it's not appreciated and they don't help. What I am realizing in therapy right now is that some of that is on me. I am super frustrated with my kids this summer. However, I am realizing that I need to TELL THEM what I need, in a calm and concise manner, one time and let them know what will happen if it's not done. Calm. In other words, you need to do the dishes today, if it's not done, no phone tonight. AND STICK TO IT!
I know it's harder with a significant other than children, but the same as well. I did this for a period of time with my XAH. I told him if he could not pick up his clothes and take them to the laundry room, I would not do any of his laundry. I said nothing else. Then, I followed through. He started asking me about a week later if he had any clean clothes. I pointed to the corner I had been kicking his clothes to, and reminded him what I said. Needless to say, they got to the laundry from then on. Same with my kids.
It's really hard to change your mindset, or at least it is for me. I expect my kids to just do these things. What my therapist told me is that they are not going to have the same pride of ownership of my home as I do from immaturity and that it's not their work that has earned the home. That I have to be clear and calm, express my expectations of them, and if it's not done, to follow through all the while with no yelling.
It's hard, but she is so right.
I don't know if any of these things apply in your situation, but it sure hit home in mine. I hope any of this helps. I send you a big hug!
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alwayscovering…...it seems, to me, like you are feeling the inequity of the amount of work that is landing on your shoulders....coupled with what feels like being unappreciated and taken for granted....
I think that this is an issue that plagues a majority of women (mostly, but not all) who are part of a household/family.....
It seems like this has been an ongoing social issue for as long as I can remember....There is lots of research and evidence that the female still shoulders the larger amount of physical and mental work of caring for the home and family.....And, so much of the work goes unnoticed and unappreciated for how overwhelming it can be.....
I know that I have felt it, before.....and, it can become a simmering resentment in a marriage relationship...…
Actually, it was less of an issue, with me, when I was a single, working parent, with 3 children...lol....
I think that was, maybe, because I had farm experience, early in my life...where everyone...even youngest children pitched in to help with the work....and, even the men helped in the k itchen and could put a complete meal on the table....
So, as a single parent...my children all helped out (in age appropriate ways)…..
Unfortunately, I married men who did not come from such a background....lol...
It was an issue in my first marriage....
But, with my "good", wonderful, next husband...we were able to work out a more equitable existence....
I think, that, in your case, you may already have resentments for other reasons, so that this is, maybe, just another layer of resentment...enough to bring you to a "tipping" point.....
lol...it seems like you talk share a lot about wanting to "flip" out on him.....
Lots of resentments?
I think that this is an issue that plagues a majority of women (mostly, but not all) who are part of a household/family.....
It seems like this has been an ongoing social issue for as long as I can remember....There is lots of research and evidence that the female still shoulders the larger amount of physical and mental work of caring for the home and family.....And, so much of the work goes unnoticed and unappreciated for how overwhelming it can be.....
I know that I have felt it, before.....and, it can become a simmering resentment in a marriage relationship...…
Actually, it was less of an issue, with me, when I was a single, working parent, with 3 children...lol....
I think that was, maybe, because I had farm experience, early in my life...where everyone...even youngest children pitched in to help with the work....and, even the men helped in the k itchen and could put a complete meal on the table....
So, as a single parent...my children all helped out (in age appropriate ways)…..
Unfortunately, I married men who did not come from such a background....lol...
It was an issue in my first marriage....
But, with my "good", wonderful, next husband...we were able to work out a more equitable existence....
I think, that, in your case, you may already have resentments for other reasons, so that this is, maybe, just another layer of resentment...enough to bring you to a "tipping" point.....
lol...it seems like you talk share a lot about wanting to "flip" out on him.....
Lots of resentments?
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Maybe this is about much more than Fast food?
It is discouraging to be unappreciated for all your daily efforts.
There is no reason an adult man cannot be responsible to pack his own lunch or prepare his own breakfast. Bet after a week or two of doing it for himself, he may view your efforts in a different light. And the same goes for the older kids, teaching them responsibility is a good thing.
It is discouraging to be unappreciated for all your daily efforts.
There is no reason an adult man cannot be responsible to pack his own lunch or prepare his own breakfast. Bet after a week or two of doing it for himself, he may view your efforts in a different light. And the same goes for the older kids, teaching them responsibility is a good thing.
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Originally Posted by alwayscovering 
I get up extra early to make breakfast and pack lunches for everyone.
For me, I WAS martyring myself over stuff exactly like this & carrying around a lot of resentments as a result.
“You should be angry. You must not be bitter. Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. It doesn’t do anything to the object of its displeasure. So use that anger. You write it. You paint it. You dance it. You march it. You vote it. You do everything about it. You talk it. Never stop talking it.”.... Maya Angelou
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Here's an example of how *I* connected these kinds of dots in my life:
Originally Posted by FireSprite
I've made a few connections recently with simple, silly stuff that for a normal person is probably no biggie at all...... like, I cannot stop cleaning my house. No matter what I need to get to, a simple chore in the household stops me in my tracks & diverts ALL of my attention. 3 dishes in the sink, a full load of laundry, a messy floor? Forget that book, that project, that whatever... this is critical! And then I get so po'd at myself for spending/wasting my time cleaning when I WANTED to be doing x,y,z instead. So why didn't I? And why don't RAH & DD appreciate that I make this "sacrifice" for them to have a clean home?
Because that was one of my main roles in my FOO & it is a huge part of my internal value system. Do I really LOVE cleaning my house so much? Not even a little bit & my friends will tell you I'm practically OCD about it when in truth, I simply feel less-than/incapable/worthless/like I am dropping the ball when I'm not getting it done.
As a child I was also in charge of making sure my sister got her chores done but she liked to stall & try to force me to cover for her because she knew *I* would get into as much trouble as her if she didn't finish.... & that maybe if I stressed over it enough, I'd just do it for her to avoid all the trouble. I vividly remember my father waking us up in the middle of the night once because she had skipped out on chores & shortcut what she had done...... I'll NEVER forget cleaning with q-tips to get into all the corners. Now I know that he was likely jazzed out of his mind on some combination of alcohol/cocaine but at the time it was just absurdity. I must have been about 12 yrs old & this was part of why I decided to never marry or have kids - I could not WAIT to never have to clean up after or care for another person again.
Why WOULD my family appreciate this? THEY don't tie my value to this.... it's just me martyring myself. THEY don't expect this from me & scratch their heads watching me spin in these discontented circles. Maddening.
Because that was one of my main roles in my FOO & it is a huge part of my internal value system. Do I really LOVE cleaning my house so much? Not even a little bit & my friends will tell you I'm practically OCD about it when in truth, I simply feel less-than/incapable/worthless/like I am dropping the ball when I'm not getting it done.
As a child I was also in charge of making sure my sister got her chores done but she liked to stall & try to force me to cover for her because she knew *I* would get into as much trouble as her if she didn't finish.... & that maybe if I stressed over it enough, I'd just do it for her to avoid all the trouble. I vividly remember my father waking us up in the middle of the night once because she had skipped out on chores & shortcut what she had done...... I'll NEVER forget cleaning with q-tips to get into all the corners. Now I know that he was likely jazzed out of his mind on some combination of alcohol/cocaine but at the time it was just absurdity. I must have been about 12 yrs old & this was part of why I decided to never marry or have kids - I could not WAIT to never have to clean up after or care for another person again.
Why WOULD my family appreciate this? THEY don't tie my value to this.... it's just me martyring myself. THEY don't expect this from me & scratch their heads watching me spin in these discontented circles. Maddening.
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was everyone home last to eat dinner? you say "them" so i assume that is your H and...........another child? young adult?
we all get cranky at times. but i think if it's a task that we HAVE been doing for a long time, we should share/announce that we will no longer be doing so, to give the others a chance to adjust.
i'm an early up lunch maker too....my H is up, he's just wandering around in a daze while i do so. every once in a while (like almost never) he'll either make his own lunch or get something on his lunch break, giving me a bit more time in bed. the guy works in masonry construction, hard work, and i figure it's the least i can do to help him survive the day. i do NOT always do this lunch making business with grace and love. lol
we gotta pick our battles and remember to do things by CHOICE.
we all get cranky at times. but i think if it's a task that we HAVE been doing for a long time, we should share/announce that we will no longer be doing so, to give the others a chance to adjust.
i'm an early up lunch maker too....my H is up, he's just wandering around in a daze while i do so. every once in a while (like almost never) he'll either make his own lunch or get something on his lunch break, giving me a bit more time in bed. the guy works in masonry construction, hard work, and i figure it's the least i can do to help him survive the day. i do NOT always do this lunch making business with grace and love. lol
we gotta pick our battles and remember to do things by CHOICE.
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So you get to set a budget, get all the dinners and lunches and track the spending.
Sounds great!
Ok not so great. You are not requiring anyone to be responsible so (especially in the case of kids) they won't be. Granted some people are born responsible, it's in their personality.
My Mom made us lunch every day when we were kiddies, I thought it was great, don't know that I ever thanked her? As an adult I can see how responsible she was, as a kid, no I didn't.
Anyway, this is all about you and not about them. What happens if you stop getting up before dawn to do these chores for the adults or near adults? Well I suspect there will be more fast food, probably a messy kitchen from time to time and some people's noses out of joint? Can you let that go? I also suspect if you could you would have already.
As AnvilheadII said, it should always be a choice and judging by your post that's a tough one for you. You are driven by being responsible and looking after all this?
You have two choices. Stop doing it and let the cards fall where they may (and work on letting go of it, that probably means support and counselling) or keep doing it but understand you are doing it for yourself, not them. You are doing it to keep to your standards and timetable.
I have always been the one cleaning up, well mostly and I never had huge resentment because I was looking after everyone. After a while, when resentment started to creep in I reminded myself - I am doing all this really, for me. I can't resent others for not working to my timetable or expectations of how - whatever - should be.
Sounds great!
Ok not so great. You are not requiring anyone to be responsible so (especially in the case of kids) they won't be. Granted some people are born responsible, it's in their personality.
My Mom made us lunch every day when we were kiddies, I thought it was great, don't know that I ever thanked her? As an adult I can see how responsible she was, as a kid, no I didn't.
Anyway, this is all about you and not about them. What happens if you stop getting up before dawn to do these chores for the adults or near adults? Well I suspect there will be more fast food, probably a messy kitchen from time to time and some people's noses out of joint? Can you let that go? I also suspect if you could you would have already.
As AnvilheadII said, it should always be a choice and judging by your post that's a tough one for you. You are driven by being responsible and looking after all this?
You have two choices. Stop doing it and let the cards fall where they may (and work on letting go of it, that probably means support and counselling) or keep doing it but understand you are doing it for yourself, not them. You are doing it to keep to your standards and timetable.
I have always been the one cleaning up, well mostly and I never had huge resentment because I was looking after everyone. After a while, when resentment started to creep in I reminded myself - I am doing all this really, for me. I can't resent others for not working to my timetable or expectations of how - whatever - should be.
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There are a million ways this can go. Pick one. Just for today. 
My battle wounds were so much deeper than I had a clue about. Stuff like this started, very slowly, waking me up.
Still going to Al-anon? Great stuff to bring up at a meeting or with a sponsor.
Irritable, unreasonable and discontent? Angry? Wanting to control what others say or do? Doing things for others that they are fully capable of doing for themselves? Sounds very familiar to me. Been there, done this, many, many times. It's what I knew how to do, how to relate, how to cope.
I found solutions in different places. Al-anon was one. Being alone with Higher Power in nature is another.
From Al-anon:
"Just for today, I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my 'luck' as it comes, and fit myself to it."
My battle wounds were so much deeper than I had a clue about. Stuff like this started, very slowly, waking me up.
Still going to Al-anon? Great stuff to bring up at a meeting or with a sponsor.
Irritable, unreasonable and discontent? Angry? Wanting to control what others say or do? Doing things for others that they are fully capable of doing for themselves? Sounds very familiar to me. Been there, done this, many, many times. It's what I knew how to do, how to relate, how to cope.
I found solutions in different places. Al-anon was one. Being alone with Higher Power in nature is another.
From Al-anon:
"Just for today, I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my 'luck' as it comes, and fit myself to it."
It was only when my anger at the disease of alcoholism had become so overwhelming that I sought help from the Al-Anon program.
At first, the Steps and Traditions were a little too deep to try to unravel. The slogans, however, were just the thing I needed to get through each day. As soon as I became preoccupied with other people, or what they were doing, I could take “One Day at a Time.” If the alcoholic asked me for money to support his habits, I could “Let Go and Let God.” No matter what life threw at me, I could use a slogan to handle it.
At first, the Steps and Traditions were a little too deep to try to unravel. The slogans, however, were just the thing I needed to get through each day. As soon as I became preoccupied with other people, or what they were doing, I could take “One Day at a Time.” If the alcoholic asked me for money to support his habits, I could “Let Go and Let God.” No matter what life threw at me, I could use a slogan to handle it.
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I'm one to get up early pack lunches and get the meal in the crockpot, before we leave for work and school. Husband does make his own lunch and get the coffee started. He's lounging enjoying his coffee while I'm a sight to be seen. Every once in a while I get that resentment (for good reasons).
It doesn't solve anything because I'm not clear in what am I asking. Do I tell them what I'd like and hold them to it? Do I just get mad and cave when it's not done?
It doesn't solve anything because I'm not clear in what am I asking. Do I tell them what I'd like and hold them to it? Do I just get mad and cave when it's not done?
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to hearthealth….I think that, with a family with children in the home...it begins with communication between both parents, first....about what changes would be good....both being on the same page....
after all, both of you are the leaders....
Then, introducing the changes to the children, in a teaching kind of way...not like ocd tyrants...lol.....
after all, both of you are the leaders....
Then, introducing the changes to the children, in a teaching kind of way...not like ocd tyrants...lol.....
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Originally Posted by trailmix
S You are not requiring anyone to be responsible so (especially in the case of kids) they won't be. Granted some people are born responsible, it's in their personality.
.
.
a consequence of them not being responsible for their own meals would be them being hungry.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
i do NOT always do this lunch making business with grace and love. lol
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I guess I just felt like if they were going to eat fast food then why didn’t someone say something and I wouldn’t have spent all that time making dinner. I spend a ton of time creating meals and trying to meet everyone’s nutritional needs. This stuff is requested and sometimes I feel it’s expected because I’m the “cook” none of them can cook for themselves.
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alwaycovering...I understand how that is disappointing to a cook.....
Perhaps, talk to your husband about how you felt and ask that, in the future, that
he (or someone in the group) give you a heads up....like a phone call, or a text.....
Would that work....?
Perhaps, talk to your husband about how you felt and ask that, in the future, that
he (or someone in the group) give you a heads up....like a phone call, or a text.....
Would that work....?
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I don't think it has to be either retaliation or consequences. Are you fed up with making meals that no one eats? You can choose to stop for that reason alone. These are not helpless children, they'll find a way to get food. Whether they figure out that the absence of meals is a consequence of being obnoxious and ungrateful is out of your hands. Would it make you feel better to stop? Then do for your own sake.
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i didnt have grace and love when i made/packed my own lunch for work!
exactly! now imagine making that lunch in the 5 o'clock hour that YOU will not eat. and sometimes, not often any more, the lunched person will come home with some COMPLAINT or SUGGESTION about the contents of said lunch box.
really? ahem.
exactly! now imagine making that lunch in the 5 o'clock hour that YOU will not eat. and sometimes, not often any more, the lunched person will come home with some COMPLAINT or SUGGESTION about the contents of said lunch box.
really? ahem.
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Originally Posted by alwayscovering
” none of them can cook for themselves.
Everybody over 10years old should be capable of preparing a (simple) meal once in a while. It's not a "can't" ... it's "doesn't" or "wont" situation, there's quite a difference.... a 2yr old CAN'T cook supper... but a teenager sure as heck can and a grown ass man most certainly can too!
If I were you I'd be calling a family meeting on this topic. No reason to let the resentment fester... I'd be annoyed if I were you too!
Just because something has always been done a certain way does't mean we have to keep doing it that way... Thank Goodness!
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