Jimbeamswife

I have been married for 22 years. We were both young and liked to party when we first met. We had our first child 1 year after we were married. I just assumed that we would both quit drinking and be the kind of parents that my parents were, I was very sheltered and assumed everyone lived like my family. I had no knowledge of addiction. I quit drinking he continued it wasn't a huge problem for him at first. He was a binge drinker. Things continued and we had 2 more children. By the time my youngest was born he was a full blown everyday drinking alcoholic. For 15 years my life was hell. I was codependent ( although I did not realize it at that time). He decided on his own that he needed to go into treatment. He completed the treatment program and remained sober for 7years!! Last year he relapse and I was scared to death. I couldn't go back to the way it was when he was drinking. I packed up and moved to my parents. He called a few weeks later saying he needed my help he hated that he had relapsed and would do anything to keep his family. I went back set some boundaries and things kinda went back to normal. Well here I am a year later and he's drinking again! As soon as I found out I made my plans and filed for divorce. I will never put myself nor my children thru that again. But... I feel so guilty for bailing on him. I feel sorry for him and I don't think he'll ever seek recovery again without me. Now I'm starting to second guess my decision to file for divorce. Did I act too hastily? Should I have encouraged him to seek treatment again? I just don't want to be here in these shoes again 22 years from now.

hopeful4

Hello and welcome.

Wow, your story is very similar to mine. No, you should not feel guilty. You gave him every opportunity to be clean and sober. It will escalate. You showed your children that you cannot tolerate unacceptable behavior in your life. You broke the chain, thank goodness.

My thought is that my children are with me 95% of the time, I can make that 95% as healthy and peaceful as possible.

Do you attend Alanon or Celebrate Recovery for face to face support? If not, it's a great service, and free.

Big hugs.

SmallButMighty

Guilt is a horrible emotion, rarely is it accurate or productive. I know, I've suffered my fair share of it.

I was also married for 22yrs and started my family right away, it was during my final pregnancy at age 26 that I realized my husband was an actual alcoholic. It took another decade and a half before I realized I couldn't stay married to him. Nothing I had ever done, said, threatened or screamed ever got him to sober up long term.

Like you, I was looking at what the rest of my life would be while married to an alcoholic and I did not like what I saw. I didn't want to live the last half of my life in that kind of progressive chaos. Even when he wasn't actively drinking I was constantly on guard for when he would next fall off the wagon...because he always did. Personally, I had to get off that ride in order to regain my sanity and start building a safe, peaceful life for myself.

You've been down this road, you know he has to want recovery for himself. This is a him thing. His getting healthy is not your responsibility to bear and not something you have any actual ability to provide for him. If he wants sobriety he knows what he has to do. That's entirely on him.

Have you read, "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie ? If you haven't I highly suggest it. If you have, I'd suggest giving it a reread. I've read it several times, it really opened my eyes to so many things, not just about my marriage to an alcoholic but also about so many other relationships in my life and my reactions to different situations. Truly was a life changing book for me.

I'm sorry you had reason to find us, but I am glad you did! I hope you stick around for support.

*hug*

atalose

Drinking is his normal, he managed it give it up for only 7 years out of the 22. Then he laid the responsibility of his not drinking or drinking at your feet by saying he “NEEDED” your help. And you see how that worked out, right? What he wanted was HIS life to return to his normal so that HIS life was easy for him.


We have this false sense of having that kind of power over someone’s ability to drink or not drink and the facts don’t support that. He had your help, he had the love of his family, he still chose to drink AGAIN. Al-anon or another recovery group can help you find your way to accepting that you have nothing at all to do with his drinking or not drinking. Learn as much as you can about alcoholism and about alcoholic behaviors.

If family and your love wasn’t enough for him to remain sober, what makes you think your words would be?

I think you made the only decision you could in order to save your own mental health. It certainly isn't an easy decision, we understand that, but a necessary one for you.

dawnrising

This is so similar to my story as well. Baby 11 days shy of our first anniversary, binge drinking until is was no longer on an occasional basis, even down to the 22 years ( in the middle of divorce now). My children are so much better now, they have my attention, my relaxed not trying to manage every mood, chore, problem etc from becoming an incident. My personal opinion is you trust your gut then talk to your kids. My children are proud of my decisions and my behavior. On more than one occasion and separately my kids both were telling me I should leave. They know a lot more than you can imagine and even if you think you are handling things and protecting them, make no mistake its affecting them just as much as it is you. Take care of yourself first so you can be there for them. thats my two cents anyway.

dandylion

jumbeaamswife….not that it matters, now....but, out of curiosity...what kind of program was he working during the 7yrs? How often did he go to AA meetings, how many times did he work the steps....was he in contact with his sponsor when he returned to drink?

You might benefit from the following library of excellent articles that we maintain on the effects of alcoholism on the loved ones...There are more than 100....enough for you to read and digest one every single day...(they are also contained within the stickies at the top of the threads)…Here is a link to them...

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

I recommend the following books.....
1. "Co-Dependent No More"
2 "The Addicted Brain"


alanon and individual counselor for your support.....those who readhout for support seem to do the best in reclaiming their lives....

Also, those who hang around and post as well as posting on other people's threads seem to derive the most support....

NYCDoglvr

The damage active alcoholism does to children almost guarantees they'll be alcoholics or deal with other addictions. I think you're making a very wise choice. Big hug!

Jimbeamswife

He did a 2 week inpatient and detox followed by 12 week outpatient program. He went to AA for a few months after that but he stopped going. He got heavily involved in our church and kept himself surrounded by church friends. He said that was more helpful to him than AA. It seemed to work and since I was very ignorant to addiction I thought abstinence =recovery. I am currently reading Codependent no more. And I am going to my first alanon meeting tomorrow night. Thank you all so much for reaching out to me. It's sucks that we're all in the same boat but gosh it's nice to know I'm not alone!!

honeypig

You are SO not alone, Jb'swife, not in the least. Congratulations on making the decision to check out Alanon and for seeking out SR. Hope you're able to read around the forums, and hope to hear more from you as you take your first steps towards your OWN recovery.

AnvilheadII

you aren't the one who bailed.....he did every time he choose to pick up a drink. you're being there for the past 22 years didn't FIX him....he either will get the sober thing figured out....or he won't. but you and the children do not need a front row seat.

you made a very wise choice.