Sober but behavior is still the same
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
You are right, you do not have to accept unacceptable behavior from anyone.
Boundaries are great, but as said above they are your boundaries not his. When you set up these boundaries you have to follow through. If you ask him to speak to you politely and he continues, say good by and you will talk to him when he can respect you. Hang up. Then the next time he does it to you, follow through. He will get the message that you want respect. It is kind of like a teacher teaching young students the rules in the classroom. When you follow through, they will "hopefully" get it.
He sounds like a miserable spoiled brat that no one tries to "pxss off". Just like the behavior of an active addict. You can do this MOM!!! One day at a time, as this will not happen over night. ((((((((hugs)))))))
Boundaries are great, but as said above they are your boundaries not his. When you set up these boundaries you have to follow through. If you ask him to speak to you politely and he continues, say good by and you will talk to him when he can respect you. Hang up. Then the next time he does it to you, follow through. He will get the message that you want respect. It is kind of like a teacher teaching young students the rules in the classroom. When you follow through, they will "hopefully" get it.
He sounds like a miserable spoiled brat that no one tries to "pxss off". Just like the behavior of an active addict. You can do this MOM!!! One day at a time, as this will not happen over night. ((((((((hugs)))))))
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
maybe he's just an immature young adult with a sense of entitlement?? i hear that's going around. maybe for now this is as good as it gets...it's good enough for HIM, anyways.
distance, less "advice", less his side of the street seem in order.
don't allow verbal abuse....if it's on the phone, hang up. if it's in person, remove yourself from his presence.
it's his life and his sobriety. however he chooses to live it.
distance, less "advice", less his side of the street seem in order.
don't allow verbal abuse....if it's on the phone, hang up. if it's in person, remove yourself from his presence.
it's his life and his sobriety. however he chooses to live it.
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 19
Originally Posted by Maudcat 
Hi, growingstronger.
Welcome.
Boundaries are a good thing. We set them for ourselves, not for others.
It can be difficult when your child is used to a certain behavior from you and your husband, but it can be done.
On the phone, you could start with, “I won’t continue to speak with you when you are disrespectful. This conversation is over.”
Then hang up and block him.
I am assuming that he comes to your house whenever he wants to, probably when he wants to give you a tough time about whatever is going wrong in his life at the moment.
I can’t offer advice about how to put a stop to that. Perhaps others will have some insight.
But.....You are not his verbal punching bag.
Good luck.
Welcome.
Boundaries are a good thing. We set them for ourselves, not for others.
It can be difficult when your child is used to a certain behavior from you and your husband, but it can be done.
On the phone, you could start with, “I won’t continue to speak with you when you are disrespectful. This conversation is over.”
Then hang up and block him.
I am assuming that he comes to your house whenever he wants to, probably when he wants to give you a tough time about whatever is going wrong in his life at the moment.
I can’t offer advice about how to put a stop to that. Perhaps others will have some insight.
But.....You are not his verbal punching bag.
Good luck.
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 19
Originally Posted by dandylion
growingstronger…..the reason that I asked that question is because it might pay for evaluation and treatment of any ongoing issues...especially for ruling out any other co-occurring diagnoses....like the list that I suggested, earlier...
He may not be agreeable to any suggestions that you have....but, there is a chance that he may be.....
On another note....if he came to you to discuss certain issues in his life...you have every right to express your opinion.....doesn't mean that you get a vote...lol....but, you do have a right to express your opinion.....
There is. also, a chance that he could be "sipping" again...without you knowing it...or, even shifted to another substance (s)…..that is not uncommon , especially, if he is not working a program.
He is at a very difficult age...in that he is only 24 and probably still a bit immature (on top of everything else)….and, at this age...peers tend to be Everything to them....and, often don't want the stigma of AA--being an "alcoholic"....or not being cool enough. There is often a lot of drinking and drug usage in late teems and young adults....
At his age...there are so many forces at play...especially, the dependence/independence issues with the parent figures....
No doubt, he has a lot of growing up to do in the next coming years....
As parents...you are still his teachers (and consultants) about life.....
It is imperative that you teach him what boundaries are (by your own example....
Even though you have little to no actual control....you still have the potential of a lot of Influence.....you will always be his parents and he will always be your son.....family connections always run deep....we never forget them....
I think that a couple of things that often come to play, for the parents is the power of "guilt" that parents often harbor...for any number of reasons....and the fear that the child may stop loving them.....
No fear...if the child loved you at 6yrs.old...they will always love you...even if that love looks like it is buried very deep....and, even if they act like they don't love you.....
Still, and all, they must learn to resect the rules of society....and treat you with respect....
He may not be agreeable to any suggestions that you have....but, there is a chance that he may be.....
On another note....if he came to you to discuss certain issues in his life...you have every right to express your opinion.....doesn't mean that you get a vote...lol....but, you do have a right to express your opinion.....
There is. also, a chance that he could be "sipping" again...without you knowing it...or, even shifted to another substance (s)…..that is not uncommon , especially, if he is not working a program.
He is at a very difficult age...in that he is only 24 and probably still a bit immature (on top of everything else)….and, at this age...peers tend to be Everything to them....and, often don't want the stigma of AA--being an "alcoholic"....or not being cool enough. There is often a lot of drinking and drug usage in late teems and young adults....
At his age...there are so many forces at play...especially, the dependence/independence issues with the parent figures....
No doubt, he has a lot of growing up to do in the next coming years....
As parents...you are still his teachers (and consultants) about life.....
It is imperative that you teach him what boundaries are (by your own example....
Even though you have little to no actual control....you still have the potential of a lot of Influence.....you will always be his parents and he will always be your son.....family connections always run deep....we never forget them....
I think that a couple of things that often come to play, for the parents is the power of "guilt" that parents often harbor...for any number of reasons....and the fear that the child may stop loving them.....
No fear...if the child loved you at 6yrs.old...they will always love you...even if that love looks like it is buried very deep....and, even if they act like they don't love you.....
Still, and all, they must learn to resect the rules of society....and treat you with respect....
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 19
Originally Posted by SmallButMighty
Hi growingstonger, I am also a mother with young adult children. I know how difficult it can be. There have been times where I have had to step back from each one of my children when they were behaving in disrespectful ways towards me. It wasn't easy, and it was damn painful.
I agree with the the other posters that said it's best to set some boundaries with your son. You don't even have to tell him what those boundaries are. You just have to live by them to give yourself peace.
Examples of some boundaries:
"I wont talk with him on the phone if he is being disrespectful"
"I wont allow him in my house when he is being aggressive"
"I wont do things for him he should be doing for himself"
"I wont lend or give him money if he has been irresponsible with his earnings"
"I will not engage in circular arguments"
"I will not lend him my vehicle if he drives like a jerk"
Of course those are only examples, and may not apply in your situation.
It is so much harder being a mom to young adults then I ever imagined it would be! My heart goes out to you while you go through this struggle with your son.
I agree with the the other posters that said it's best to set some boundaries with your son. You don't even have to tell him what those boundaries are. You just have to live by them to give yourself peace.
Examples of some boundaries:
"I wont talk with him on the phone if he is being disrespectful"
"I wont allow him in my house when he is being aggressive"
"I wont do things for him he should be doing for himself"
"I wont lend or give him money if he has been irresponsible with his earnings"
"I will not engage in circular arguments"
"I will not lend him my vehicle if he drives like a jerk"
Of course those are only examples, and may not apply in your situation.
It is so much harder being a mom to young adults then I ever imagined it would be! My heart goes out to you while you go through this struggle with your son.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 19
Originally Posted by dandylion
,,,,I think that list of examples, by smallbutmighty, are good ones...…
I will offer another tip....for when someone (like your son)….is blaming, accusing, demeaning, etc....is not o get sucked further into the circular arguments....as cited by smallbutmighty...….
Do not JADE.....
J...justify yourself. A....don't argue. Youdon't have to attend every argument that you are invited to. D....defend. You don't have to defend yourself...E....you don't have to explain yourself.....
When you don't JADE...that is drawing a boundary.....
I will offer another tip....for when someone (like your son)….is blaming, accusing, demeaning, etc....is not o get sucked further into the circular arguments....as cited by smallbutmighty...….
Do not JADE.....
J...justify yourself. A....don't argue. Youdon't have to attend every argument that you are invited to. D....defend. You don't have to defend yourself...E....you don't have to explain yourself.....
When you don't JADE...that is drawing a boundary.....
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Really he is disrespectful to everyone, including himself. He blames and accuses me when things don’t go as he would like. He has a good job lives on his own and does not ask for money.
Good: it's not personal.
He's working through life with the skills he has. He's a young adult, with capabilities, knowledge, experiences and a life path of his own.
I do know he needs help
When the "light-bulb moment" happened and I understood in my heart that I do not have any clue what someone else needs, a new phase of healing and living began.
He became verbally abusivie when I told him I did not agree with him and his girlfriends decisions. I told him I was not judging and acccepted his choices as his own. I just wanted him to know I did not agree.
Prayer and meditation guide me in holding my words when I would have spoke, and in speaking out when I would have been quiet. As my old patterns of behavior change, everything naturally changes. Sometimes things get shook up before they settle out in new ways. Getting outside my comfort zone is not a bad thing when I'm looking at moving ahead in positive ways.
Good: it's not personal.
He's working through life with the skills he has. He's a young adult, with capabilities, knowledge, experiences and a life path of his own.
I do know he needs help
When the "light-bulb moment" happened and I understood in my heart that I do not have any clue what someone else needs, a new phase of healing and living began.
He became verbally abusivie when I told him I did not agree with him and his girlfriends decisions. I told him I was not judging and acccepted his choices as his own. I just wanted him to know I did not agree.
Prayer and meditation guide me in holding my words when I would have spoke, and in speaking out when I would have been quiet. As my old patterns of behavior change, everything naturally changes. Sometimes things get shook up before they settle out in new ways. Getting outside my comfort zone is not a bad thing when I'm looking at moving ahead in positive ways.
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