blaming him, blaming myself
 

My AH has been in rehab for 5 weeks while working full time. It's outpatient, and he has to attend several AA meetings as part of the program. He is rarely home. He is tired, and I wonder if this route will end up making him resentful of quitting rather than help him. He does say he is done drinking, though. At times it's clear how tired he is and that he is struggling without that usual crutch to relax with.

So it's been five or six weeks since he came to me and told me he was weaning down from 10 to 5 beers a day. This was after I saw the severe physical signs of withdrawal and told him he needed a doctor (at the time I was not sure if the signs/symptoms were alcohol withdrawal or something else, he hid the consumption so well). He had learned how to hide bottles, consume them while working from home before I got home, and alter the smell which used to be there and he made go away.

Today I sit here and wonder just how in the hxll I didn't know how severe it was. I guess because he was functioning at work, never missing work, and I was unavailable a lot due to an intensive school program 5 days a week like a regular job, plus studying at night. But the thing is, I feel like I failed him in many ways. Yes, guilt. I was emotionally distant, dominated by homework, our child (whom he helped with greatly), my own father who had a near fatal stroke and remains bedridden and paralyzed (so I went up to visit him a lot in the last year). My AH lost both his grandparents three and two years ago; he is 47, and that's when he says the increased consumption really kicked in. But I still can't believe I didn't realize more or try to put a stop to it. I knew he drank, I would ask him to go a day without, I accepted it was something he did and that I couldn't count how many he had each day, but I saw little clues and just didn't know how bad it was. We didn't sleep in the same room due to his sleep apnea that he refused to buy the C-pap for until I gave him an ultimatum about right before he told me how bad his consumption was. I just thought he was tired and cranky and depressed about his job, mostly, and just unhappy, though I didn't know why. And now here he is still on "light duty" per the doctor who is monitoring his liver function. The doctor is "totally cool"; acts like the liver will regain normal functioning, yet my AH will be on Naltrexone possibly for another year or two. Does that mean he is really far gone down this spiral?

I dealt with so many weird things the last two years of school (I had a career before but needed a better one so I returned to school). It was stressful and hard and I have my own anxiety issues. AH has at times felt like he was responsible for making me happy, which we know is not the way to think, but I still feel like my own issues contributed to his. I am definitely caught in the guilt vs blame him cycle. I keep going to Al Anon but haven't been able to as much as I'd like.

I still don't know what to do about the future. I know it's one day at a time. Once I have work, I could move with my son somewhere else to let AH try sobriety and see if it works. Our relationship feels too damaged to work in this setting even though we love each other. I wonder about asking him to leave, since our son loves his school and now has several good friends on this street. I have no idea where I am going with this post. I had to get this out. Thanks for letting me do so. All your posts really do help when I read them daily.

Alcoholism is a disease.

The three C's:

1. You didn't Cause it.

2. You can't Control it.

3. You can't Cure it.

So much of this is in his hands. None of it is your responsibility, except for finding help and support for yourself. (((hugs)))

clarity.....Mango is right about what she just said, of course.

I will mention a few thought that I have, as I read your post.
The good news is that I see that he has a doctor that is following him....this is so vital...if he is on Naltrexone, and has sleep apnea. Sleep apnea is a very much more dangerous to overall health than most people seem to realize. And, chronic tiredness is a frequent complaint....although there are other things that call tiredness, also....

Another thing that I notice, when you are talking about your feeling of "guilt"....is that there seems to be an element of "mother-child", as you talk about it. For example...if I didn't know that you were talking about a 47yr. old man...you could be a mother talking about how she feels like she has neglected supervising her child....lol....
While there is a natural healthy level of interdedence in all intimate relationships....there is a line, where it can become unhealthy entanglement....and, I suspect that this has happened to you.....

I think that it will help a lot, if you and he keep to your own "side of the street"...in other words, you work on you and he works on him....
His health care and sobriety efforts belong to him (and his doctor and his program people)…..
Your own care...directed to your "own issues" and that of your son, belong to you....
Detachment...detachment...detachment....
***to me, it seems more reasonable that he be the one to move, when it comes to that decision...as your son is caught in the middle and he deserves as much stability and security as you can provide, under the circumstances. Keeping the child in his own home, if possible, would seem best for the child.


Another thing...I am sorry that he lost his grandparents...I loved my grandparents more than words can say. But, most people do lose their grandparents, along the way...at some point in their lives....so, that cannot be used as an excuse for the heavy drinking...it might be a reason...but, not an excuse. Alcoholics have a million excuses for drinking...from job loss...job promotion...death in family...the cat's birthday....


I do hope you can increase your alanon meetings...for the emotional support...Can you take your son? Is your son old enough flr alakid or alateen?

If you need additional counseling for your support, in addition to alanon...by all means, get it...


Are you reading and studying about alcoholism and the effects o n the loved ones? If you need suggestions for specific books or articles, we can help you with that....
Knowledge is power.....

***living for a few months in a sober house is an option that many alcoholics opt for...when needing separation from their usual environment. They usually do need to be sober when seeking such a house.....

What Mango said about none of this being your fault or responsibility. Yes, I still struggle with this from time to time--but seeing the words that it is not my responsibility is helpful. The A is the only one who can change their situation and that is so very hard to accept sometimes. Mine was an Abusive A and I still find myself missing him and feeling sorry for him--and that is my issue to work on.

And Dandylion, the cat's birthday is the only excuse for drinking that I didn't hear, haha! I loved that, thank you!

Leelee…...actually, I think I appropriated the "cat's birthday" from Anvilhead...lol...
In the "Quackers" thread...there is one story about the A husband who had urinated on himself....and said it must have been the cat....

Thank you Mango. One day I will better understand and be able to accept the three C's. Once I learn more about this whole recovery process. Dandylion, you are right that I am taking too much responsibility for his emotional well being. Which he also has done for me (he hates that he can't control/force me to be what he sees as "happy" whenever I'm going through a stressful time). He has been very codependent on me. I think we both started out drinking together, our social life was always based on light (anywhere from light drinking to heavy drinking over the course of over 10 years, including teenage years before we went off to college and were apart several years before we reconnected). Can you guys please recommend a good book to address patterns starting with one's family of origin? I know I am repeating some of those. I've read Codependent No More, and have the books I need from Al-Anon at the moment...I appreciate the help so much. This place helps me slow down to one day at a time...otherwise I freak out constantly about the future.

Clarity.....you might enjoy reading "Adult Children: The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families"...…
by John and Linda Friel....

It was written a while back...but, it has remained as a sort of classic, The basic principles haven't changed....
You can get a very cheap copy on amazon.com...

Adult Children: The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families...I bought it tonight and wow, what a great read. Thanks for this recommendation, dandylion.

Yes, three Cs

And he is a grown man. All A’s act like giant toddlers IMO.

And Cat’s Birthday is hilarious :scoregood

I’m glad you are able to vent here, I do that too. My alcoholic husband is also good at hiding the booze, or was til I learned all his hiding places, basically everywhere. anywhere. In a stack Towels. Under the couch, under the sinks, in between the mattress and box spring, in his rolled up socks, etc. i never knew how severe of an alcoholic my husband was as well because I wasn’t familiar with alcohol and didn’t know exactly what to expect.

I’m sorry to hear about your father who has had the stroke. My father has had mini strokes, it puts an awful weight on you on top of worrying for your alcoholic spouse.

We allow denial and rationalization to rule our thinking because it's easier than making a change. Alanon helped me see clearly and make the changes I didn't want to make out of fear.

Ahh yes Quietly...under beds, upon really high shelves I would never reach. In between cushions. Thank you about my father. I am sorry your father is having mini strokes. It sucks watching loves ones suffer. It also motivates me to take care of my health.

NYCDogLvr, I will keep going to Al-Anon for that reason. I need help taking off the blinders of denial.