Is this what acceptance looks like?
 

He slipped. Of course he did, barely two weeks sober, no sponsor, no program of any kind and a mandatory work conference in the french quarter of New Orleans. It's my hometown, I've partied down there. Maybe I was prepared because of the circumstances.

He told me he slipped. I didn't cry or get upset, I just said "I know" he apologized. I asked him why he was apologizing. He said "because I failed" I told him if he feels that way he didn't fail me. I really thought I'd be more upset. I'm not.

He did mention this morning that he has another assessment with a psychiatrist and intake for the STAR program at the VA and did I want to go? I really don't. I think that if he really wants this, he needs to go on his own. I feel like my presence makes it seem like he either can't do it on his own or I'm making him but if he goes alone, he's doing it for himself.

alwayscovering, I'm so sorry this happened, but it sounds to me like you really have your feet on the ground and your head firmly on your shoulders. Whatever comes next, I feel really confident that you can handle it.

You're doing great. :grouphug:

It sounds like you are in a strong frame of mind and that's great.

It's also a good idea to keep in mind that you might not want "acceptance" to become complacency.

Years can slip by while accepting what you don't really want in your life, going about your life while distancing yourself. Nothing wrong with that if that is what you really want, just pays to be mindful of it if it's not what you actually want longer term.

I guess the last few years I was terrified of him going to the liquor store while I was gone so I've been attached to him like velcro for so long and I thought about the situation before he left and I was kinda like well he'll be down there without me and there is literally nothing I can do about it so I guess I shouldn't dwell on it.

I knew it when I talked to him...he wasn't wasted but definitely lit up. I just went to bed.

I've always spent so much time worrying about it and/or crying about it or being upset.

I definitely don't think it's acceptable. He needs to quit before there are more adverse effects on his health but it's not up to me. I'm still changing myself. I want off all my meds and reverse the damage I've done to myself by never focusing on myself and always focusing on him and what he's doing. He can either change too or get left behind.

I was like that with my XAH. I spent so much time researching his "slips" that I could have been with the FBI (ha)! Then one day, I just did not anymore. Something clicked in my head and I was able to just let go. I finally had figured out that he had to figure out his own path and that I just could not control it.

Keep working on YOU!!!

Thank you! I am, and maybe that's the change in our situation. I'm so focused on the progress I've made and so excited for more that I just can't worry about him and what he's doing.

It sounds like acceptance to me. You're right: the addict/alcoholic must walk this road solo.

You're awesome! You got it together, and you're a great example for those of us still working on it. Its nice to see there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. 😀

Good for you. Big growth steps there.
Things become so much simpler when we stop expending our energy on the addict.

With respect to trailmix's comment - it sounds to me like "disengaging" (you do your alcoholic thing over there and I'll be over here working on me, not hanging onto you to try to prevent your alcoholic thing) rather than "accepting" (and remaining indefinitely in) a situation which is unhealthy.

I totally agree with you Sasha. I ponder if one is even possible without the other. If you are not an alcoholic, how can you accept the behaviour of an alcoholic. I don't even mean the actual drinking per-se - so someone is sitting there pouring beverages for hours, that you can ignore. The constant search for alcohol, the constant focus on alcohol (when drinking or not) and all the fallout from that, the missed responsibilities, the self-centered focus etc etc etc. I don't know that it can be done, it's not any kind of "normal".

Disengaging is natural I think, for some it is a decision, for others just a natural progression.

^^^
This is what matters most of all!!!

Doesn't matter what you call it, as long as you keep doing it! You are definitely headed in the right direction. Go you!

It feels good to be calm. It feels good not to be in the chaos of it. It feels good to drop the weight that was never yours to carry. You will never regret focusing on your own growth.

Very proud of your progress Alwayscovering !

Thank y'all so much! I'm trying so hard to get myself together. I still have a long way to go but I'm still working on it.

In my case, I "accepted" the behavior of the alcoholic for a long time because I bought into the narrative of exceptionality that the alcoholic produced. He had suffered/was suffering more than anyone could imagine, his pain was deeper than anyone else's pain, he needed to drink all the time in order to cope with the terrible cards he had been dealt by Life (worse than anyone else's cards, and including the unspecified awfulness of being married to me).

In order to un-accept this, two things had to happen: I had to realize that he was not exceptional - that plenty of people had suffered plenty worse things without filling their garage and basement full of bottles and crashing their cards; and I had to realize that no amount of personal suffering is a license to behave harmfully towards other people (lying, gaslighting, belittling, the whole nine yards).

Once I figured out that he wasn't that special and that he didn't have any get-out-of-jail-free cards, I came to see his behavior as unacceptable and inexcusable.

What Sasha said - I had exact same experience. Letting go is more descriptive of what I experienced. “Accepting” worked in a way that I accepted that he will lie, drink, cheat and steal money, and I could not love him into a functional person. I also had to let go of exceptionality of his suffering - his life was actually pretty swell and care-free from my perspective.

I will never really know what went (and still goes) through his alcoholic brain, sober now....

so I've been attached to him like velcro for so long

this statement gave me pause to think....rare i know!!.....one of the secondary situations that can develop with the problem drinker is that we DO give them more time and attention, albeit not in a healthy way. but nonetheless, they ARE getting more of US.....sort of a really twisted "reward" for bad behavior. i drink, it upsets you, so you focus more on ME, and even tho it's negative, i'm the center of your universe!!!

kinda like toddlers or teenagers acting out to get their parent's attention.

pulling away, detaching, disengaging takes away one of their sources of "reward" - seeing partners and loved ones get busy getting on with their own lives, doing their own thing, leaves the alcoholic with only themselves, no longer in the spotlight. cuz nobody is impressed, nobody wants tickets to the show. better things to do, thank you very much.

I think this is what's throwing him off. For so long everything has been about him. Now, I'm like dude we have insurance go get help. I don't want to hear your BS anymore. I've noticed some attention seeking behaviors and he gets kinda pouty when it doesn't work. I can't roll my eyes far enough into my head to express my irritation over that...

I also want to clarify. When I say acceptance what I mean is...accepting that there is nothing I can do to change what he does and don't exert any effort to force changes that just aren't going to happen.

I'm not accepting crappy behavior anymore. I will just leave the house. I have plenty of places to go now. I will take my kids and dogs and bail. EFF that I want to live my best life and I damn sure know that I haven't been.

That's how I read what you said.

I hope it all works out well for you with him but what I most hope for you is that you are having a good time, finding joy and enjoying your life!

Your post made me smile, you sound like that is what you are about to venture in to and that's so great!!

Exactly. "You can play your crazy music as long as you want, but I am done dancing."