How to commit to RABF
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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How to commit to RABF
I know there’s no easy answer to this. Have posted before about this ongoing struggle. Summary is that my ABF and I have been together for 6 years. I didn’t realize the severity of his alcoholism until more recently. We do not live together. We both have kids. In Feb I caught him about to drive all of us with a road soda and broke up w him. Took him back weeks later when he started a legitimate recovery program. On July 4, while on vacation with my family who drinks, I found a bottle hidden. He has increased his program, doing a 90 in 90, making calls all day etc. he is also constantly declaring his love for me and very openly discussing buying a house and getting married. He never ever spoke like that before. He’s wearing me down. I love him. We have time together and a place in each other’s lives. But I’m “only” (haha) 48 and I would like to think I could live w someone some day and show my adolescent boys a real relationship. But how do I choose to sell the house they grew up in, move in with ABF, and just hope he stays sober ? I am aching under the pressure to balance it all. Friends and family think it’s easy. “Of course you cant do that”. Not that easy. Thanks for listening
hope is not a plan. so as far as you know he is maybe about TWO WEEKS sober.....give it a year. 52 weeks of unbroken sobriety on his part. no slips, no relapses. then reassess. your children need stability and consistency. YOU need the same!!
Hello 2Kind,
Do you ever re*read your posts? Maybe you should go back and look for red flags.
For example, this empty bottle you drop into the post above is rather ominous, no?
What would you say to another poster on SR If they reported a situation like yours and wanted to commit?
Do you ever re*read your posts? Maybe you should go back and look for red flags.
For example, this empty bottle you drop into the post above is rather ominous, no?
What would you say to another poster on SR If they reported a situation like yours and wanted to commit?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 72
Hello 2Kind,
Do you ever re*read your posts? Maybe you should go back and look for red flags.
For example, this empty bottle you drop into the post above is rather ominous, no?
What would you say to another poster on SR If they reported a situation like yours and wanted to commit?
Do you ever re*read your posts? Maybe you should go back and look for red flags.
For example, this empty bottle you drop into the post above is rather ominous, no?
What would you say to another poster on SR If they reported a situation like yours and wanted to commit?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 72
We really do. My children are happy and content right now. I could never disturb that for th “hope” that it all works out.
Something I noticed when reading your post is the language you use - " road soda" and "On July 4, while on vacation with my family who drinks, I found a bottle hidden".
Actually he was going to drive drunk with your children in the car. Then he was drunk on your holiday just 3 weeks ago. You left him in Florida while you thought about your options. I think the language is important because it kind of sounds like you are trying to downplay?
Did he continue to drink in Florida?
Regardless, he might have 3 weeks of trying sobriety. I'm not sure why you would be considering moving your children in to a house with someone who hasn't proven they are sober? You mentioned before that you really want a family again, well is this really what you want? Is this really what you want for your children?
I don't know if he is perhaps the man of your dreams but I do know that putting children in to a house with an alcoholic that is not yet in recovery doesn't sound like a solid plan.
There is no rush, there is no real pressure. You get to do what is right for you and your children. The fact that he has never spoken like this before and now when you back off after the drunkenness in Florida he comes rushing back talking about marriage is actually not romantic but it is a red flag imo. If it turns out he is serious about recovery and has a solid year of sobriety then maybe you might want to consider it?
Perhaps think of it this way. Say you move in next month and he starts drinking again and your children get to witness all of that. Would you then say: Sorry I sold the house you grew up in, and moved in with my alcoholic boyfriend, but I was hoping he'd stay sober.
Seems like him even suggesting it is irresponsible, has he taken your and your children's feelings and future in to consideration at all in this?
Actually he was going to drive drunk with your children in the car. Then he was drunk on your holiday just 3 weeks ago. You left him in Florida while you thought about your options. I think the language is important because it kind of sounds like you are trying to downplay?
Did he continue to drink in Florida?
Regardless, he might have 3 weeks of trying sobriety. I'm not sure why you would be considering moving your children in to a house with someone who hasn't proven they are sober? You mentioned before that you really want a family again, well is this really what you want? Is this really what you want for your children?
I don't know if he is perhaps the man of your dreams but I do know that putting children in to a house with an alcoholic that is not yet in recovery doesn't sound like a solid plan.
There is no rush, there is no real pressure. You get to do what is right for you and your children. The fact that he has never spoken like this before and now when you back off after the drunkenness in Florida he comes rushing back talking about marriage is actually not romantic but it is a red flag imo. If it turns out he is serious about recovery and has a solid year of sobriety then maybe you might want to consider it?
Perhaps think of it this way. Say you move in next month and he starts drinking again and your children get to witness all of that. Would you then say: Sorry I sold the house you grew up in, and moved in with my alcoholic boyfriend, but I was hoping he'd stay sober.
Seems like him even suggesting it is irresponsible, has he taken your and your children's feelings and future in to consideration at all in this?
But I’m “only” (haha) 48 and I would like to think I could live w someone some day and show my adolescent boys a real relationship.
If your friends and family are discouraging you from moving in with him, there's a reason for that. My friends and family were not thrilled when I got engaged to my ex-fiance. I was not ready to listen to them, but more importantly I found myself getting much more withdrawn the more I invested myself in the relationship. I found myself keeping secrets about his behavior from my friends because I was afraid of their disapproval.
When my ex-fiance broke up with me, they cried tears of happiness.
I can't believe how willing I was to sign up for a life sentence with him, all for a fantasy.
2kind4me......you say that your children are happy and content, right now.....
Stop for a moment and consider how fortunate your are, for that....
You say that they are adolescent, right now....so, I take it that they are , at least, 12yrs. old....?
If this is true...the next 6yrs. are going to be the most significant years for them (and you) in the rest of your lives.....
Having raised three teen agers of my own....I can tell you that the teen years are the time when they need your full attention and engagement, most of all.
And...the last years that you will spend their childhood with them....
These coming up years are precious years...
Teen agers need a solid, peaceful and secure home base,,,because they are about to face all the vulnerabilities that the outside would will throw at them...
The last thing that they will need would be a mother who is torn -up, inside, if she has a relapsed boyfriend who you all are living with. They don't need the role model of a self-centered alcoholic in their home....
Even if you are "dating" a drinker...they can fare better if that person is not in the same house with them.....
Please understand that I am not trying to "trash" your boyfriend, as a person...I get it that you are very attached to him....I am talking about the disease of alcoholism and what instability and chaos it brings to the lives of the loved ones.....
The disease is a selfish one...and, the unrecovering alcoholic is, invariably, in denial as to what extent that their disease affects those close to them.....
Think about it...he is nagging you to make a move, where you take all of the risk....
Sell your family house? Uproot your boys at vulnerable years? Take the financial risks involved in marriage (which he talks about) to an alcoholic?
If he keeps drinking...will you be willing to move the boys, once again, in the middle of their teen years..? They will resent it more with each year....to be taken from their peers and community, once again....and, I gurantee you, that you will have a net loss, in the financial realm...if he doesn't remain sober....
If he continues drinking...he will have the alcohol to numb his feelings, when things go south...but, you won't. He will not feel like the failed parent....because he won't be...but, you will feel that pain and the boys will blame you,,,,not him....
I know that you are feeling that this is "not easy"...and I do understand that...you have invested a lot of yourself, already, and your fantasy of having the Norman Rockwell family scene feels so enticing, right now.
It is hard to make the hard decisions....no doubt about it.....
It is the kind of challenge that most all of us, on this forum, understand...because we have all made them,or are in the middle of struggling with that challenge.....
I can say this....that if your present mental conflict feels hard.....you will magnify that times 10, if you decide to hitch your star (and that of your children),,,,to an alcoholic who is still drinking....
Statistically, you are almost certain to take a walk down the Halls of Hell.....
No matter how much you feel that you love h im and no matter how sweet he can be in his sober periods....
the other posters have suggested that you wait and observe a full year of sobriety with no slip-ups.....
I feel that they are being overly generous....One year is still infancy, in terms of genuine recovery...2-3yrs, is more like it...to begin to make the kinds of life-long changes that is required...Some say that it is more like 5yrs...…
You may be underestimating the amount of work and commitment that it takes for a person to enter and maintain life-long sobriety....
It has to be their number one priority..over everyone and everything else..It required diligently working a program....working the steps and having a sponsor....and making a total live -style change...in order to change the years of alcoholic thinking, and developing a different attitude toward live, and, finally, translating all of that into a change in actions.....
I just don't see that in what you have shared, about him....I see a guy who is still in denial, and want what he wants...when he wants it.....
It is expected that he would be in denial...because he is an alcoholic and it is called the "Disease of Denial".....
But, you can't afford to be in denial...you have way...way...too much to lose.....
I hope that you will keep reading and keep learning....and keep posting.....
Have you read "Co-Dependent No More", yet....if not, I highly suggest that you do....You will enjoy it...it is a good read....
If you are seeing a therapist...good...hang with that therapist tight, right now....
go to your alanon group regular and often....because they will understand how hard it is to
put your own welfare first.....
Stop for a moment and consider how fortunate your are, for that....
You say that they are adolescent, right now....so, I take it that they are , at least, 12yrs. old....?
If this is true...the next 6yrs. are going to be the most significant years for them (and you) in the rest of your lives.....
Having raised three teen agers of my own....I can tell you that the teen years are the time when they need your full attention and engagement, most of all.
And...the last years that you will spend their childhood with them....
These coming up years are precious years...
Teen agers need a solid, peaceful and secure home base,,,because they are about to face all the vulnerabilities that the outside would will throw at them...
The last thing that they will need would be a mother who is torn -up, inside, if she has a relapsed boyfriend who you all are living with. They don't need the role model of a self-centered alcoholic in their home....
Even if you are "dating" a drinker...they can fare better if that person is not in the same house with them.....
Please understand that I am not trying to "trash" your boyfriend, as a person...I get it that you are very attached to him....I am talking about the disease of alcoholism and what instability and chaos it brings to the lives of the loved ones.....
The disease is a selfish one...and, the unrecovering alcoholic is, invariably, in denial as to what extent that their disease affects those close to them.....
Think about it...he is nagging you to make a move, where you take all of the risk....
Sell your family house? Uproot your boys at vulnerable years? Take the financial risks involved in marriage (which he talks about) to an alcoholic?
If he keeps drinking...will you be willing to move the boys, once again, in the middle of their teen years..? They will resent it more with each year....to be taken from their peers and community, once again....and, I gurantee you, that you will have a net loss, in the financial realm...if he doesn't remain sober....
If he continues drinking...he will have the alcohol to numb his feelings, when things go south...but, you won't. He will not feel like the failed parent....because he won't be...but, you will feel that pain and the boys will blame you,,,,not him....
I know that you are feeling that this is "not easy"...and I do understand that...you have invested a lot of yourself, already, and your fantasy of having the Norman Rockwell family scene feels so enticing, right now.
It is hard to make the hard decisions....no doubt about it.....
It is the kind of challenge that most all of us, on this forum, understand...because we have all made them,or are in the middle of struggling with that challenge.....
I can say this....that if your present mental conflict feels hard.....you will magnify that times 10, if you decide to hitch your star (and that of your children),,,,to an alcoholic who is still drinking....
Statistically, you are almost certain to take a walk down the Halls of Hell.....
No matter how much you feel that you love h im and no matter how sweet he can be in his sober periods....
the other posters have suggested that you wait and observe a full year of sobriety with no slip-ups.....
I feel that they are being overly generous....One year is still infancy, in terms of genuine recovery...2-3yrs, is more like it...to begin to make the kinds of life-long changes that is required...Some say that it is more like 5yrs...…
You may be underestimating the amount of work and commitment that it takes for a person to enter and maintain life-long sobriety....
It has to be their number one priority..over everyone and everything else..It required diligently working a program....working the steps and having a sponsor....and making a total live -style change...in order to change the years of alcoholic thinking, and developing a different attitude toward live, and, finally, translating all of that into a change in actions.....
I just don't see that in what you have shared, about him....I see a guy who is still in denial, and want what he wants...when he wants it.....
It is expected that he would be in denial...because he is an alcoholic and it is called the "Disease of Denial".....
But, you can't afford to be in denial...you have way...way...too much to lose.....
I hope that you will keep reading and keep learning....and keep posting.....
Have you read "Co-Dependent No More", yet....if not, I highly suggest that you do....You will enjoy it...it is a good read....
If you are seeing a therapist...good...hang with that therapist tight, right now....
go to your alanon group regular and often....because they will understand how hard it is to
put your own welfare first.....
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 83
I made the mistake of exposing my children to an alcoholic. Allowed him to move in.
It’s taken me a year and two police visits to get him out. Luckily it’s my house or id have had to flee.
He is a drink driver and a hider and a liar and a sneak. I feel eternally guilty for exposing my kids to it.
It’s taken me a year and two police visits to get him out. Luckily it’s my house or id have had to flee.
He is a drink driver and a hider and a liar and a sneak. I feel eternally guilty for exposing my kids to it.
But how do I choose to sell the house they grew up in, move in with ABF, and just hope he stays sober
this is indicating there are other options to choose.
who says you have to choose this option?
why would you have to choose this option?
He keeps pushing me to be with him, see him etc. I know I don’t have to say I’m committed to him while dating him while he gains time but that’s how he takes it
there is a rad flag or 6 on his emotional and mental maturity. quite selfish and self centered oh his part.
dating-A form of romantic courtship typically between two individuals with the aim of assessing the other's suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse. The result of dating may at any time lead to friendship, any level of intimate relationship, marriage, or no relation.
this is indicating there are other options to choose.
who says you have to choose this option?
why would you have to choose this option?
He keeps pushing me to be with him, see him etc. I know I don’t have to say I’m committed to him while dating him while he gains time but that’s how he takes it
there is a rad flag or 6 on his emotional and mental maturity. quite selfish and self centered oh his part.
dating-A form of romantic courtship typically between two individuals with the aim of assessing the other's suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse. The result of dating may at any time lead to friendship, any level of intimate relationship, marriage, or no relation.
He keeps pushing me to be with him, see him etc.
Please don't let this man bully you into something. His priority needs to be on his sobriety and your priority is your children. He should respect that and not try to control the situation.
Please don't let this man bully you into something. His priority needs to be on his sobriety and your priority is your children. He should respect that and not try to control the situation.
This is like watching a horror movie and I want to scream...
*NOOOOOOOO!!!!! Don't go into the basement of alcohell!!!!!*
Please do not make any big financial decisions based off of this alcoholic and what he wants. You have children that have a home. You need to keep it that way. It's one thing for him to act reckless (he's an alcoholic). It's another for you to do it (You are a mother!).
I currently deal with an alcoholic every single day who is playing the nice guy. Begging me back. When i say no... He calls me a who're n tells me I'm making the biggest mistake of my life n he goes off the deep end. Your post of your man begging you made me see a side of my AH in the present time. What do they have in common? They are both in active alcoholism and they are trying to strong arm you n I into a life of he'll under false pretenses of their own. But... if you really take the time and look and listen, you can see they are still active in their alcoholic ways.
Do not sacrifice your children for this man.
*NOOOOOOOO!!!!! Don't go into the basement of alcohell!!!!!*
Please do not make any big financial decisions based off of this alcoholic and what he wants. You have children that have a home. You need to keep it that way. It's one thing for him to act reckless (he's an alcoholic). It's another for you to do it (You are a mother!).
I currently deal with an alcoholic every single day who is playing the nice guy. Begging me back. When i say no... He calls me a who're n tells me I'm making the biggest mistake of my life n he goes off the deep end. Your post of your man begging you made me see a side of my AH in the present time. What do they have in common? They are both in active alcoholism and they are trying to strong arm you n I into a life of he'll under false pretenses of their own. But... if you really take the time and look and listen, you can see they are still active in their alcoholic ways.
Do not sacrifice your children for this man.
Hi, 2kind.
Have to agree with other posters’ thoughts.
Stay where you are, keep the house, insist on a year’s sobriety before even considering merging your and your children’s lives with this man.
He’s pushing hard for a commitment because that is what addicts do.
If you move and he relapses, what then?
He is not your problem to fix.
Good luck.
Have to agree with other posters’ thoughts.
Stay where you are, keep the house, insist on a year’s sobriety before even considering merging your and your children’s lives with this man.
He’s pushing hard for a commitment because that is what addicts do.
If you move and he relapses, what then?
He is not your problem to fix.
Good luck.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 72
Wow. Dandylion and others - thank you so much for taking the time to write all of that to me. I have been begging the universe for answers and they’re right here. Just to clarify- I was not going to move in w him in the next year. However, I see my decision to keep dating him as the steps toward that decision- albeit an evaluation period as someone pointed out. I don’t really want another year to add to the 6 just to decide it’s not right. I think he knows that which is why he’s saying this tome it’s for commitment. I really appreciate the reminder about my boys. If you knew me better you’d know that I’m a very devoted mother but was starting to think it would be ok ... just have been worn down by him. I have read codependent no more but need another round apparently. You all are totally right. And I am so grateful for your caring for me - someone you don’t even know. Now to figure out how to move on.....
I did want to tell you I agreed with the posters on your thread, and it's good to see that you did too!
One little thing I picked up on was you saying he has "worn you down"... I get that. I used to feel really worn down by my XAH as well. To the point of utter exhaustion, mind,body and soul. It took me a LONG time to realize it wasn't actually him that was wearing me down. (To be clear, he absolutely did do more than his fair share of dishonest and dangerous things due to his alcoholism, there is zero doubt about that!!!)
What was truly wearing me down was myself. My own thought processes. My own going over and over and over the same material in my head, driving myself crazy. My own lack of boundaries, and then my own lack of enforcing my boundaries once I knew to erect them. I ignored my instincts and "rationalized" his horrible behaviour. I allowed into my life the things he did that I found morally and ethically wrong, this was so detrimental to the core of who I am.... but ya know what?... that's all on me for allowing that chaos to manifest itself in my life.
I had to accept that I was my own biggest problem when it came to how I was feeling. That didn't/doesn't excuse my AXH's horrendous choices or the awful impact they had on my life and our marriage, but me owning my part in it is what got me moving back towards health and happiness.
I don't think you have to allow what your boyfriend's pushing for to wear you down. When he pushes you can step aside and let him land where he may. You don't have to waste your energy pushing back.
Keep making your choices on what is healthiest and safest your you and your kids. I think you are doing great!
One little thing I picked up on was you saying he has "worn you down"... I get that. I used to feel really worn down by my XAH as well. To the point of utter exhaustion, mind,body and soul. It took me a LONG time to realize it wasn't actually him that was wearing me down. (To be clear, he absolutely did do more than his fair share of dishonest and dangerous things due to his alcoholism, there is zero doubt about that!!!)
What was truly wearing me down was myself. My own thought processes. My own going over and over and over the same material in my head, driving myself crazy. My own lack of boundaries, and then my own lack of enforcing my boundaries once I knew to erect them. I ignored my instincts and "rationalized" his horrible behaviour. I allowed into my life the things he did that I found morally and ethically wrong, this was so detrimental to the core of who I am.... but ya know what?... that's all on me for allowing that chaos to manifest itself in my life.
I had to accept that I was my own biggest problem when it came to how I was feeling. That didn't/doesn't excuse my AXH's horrendous choices or the awful impact they had on my life and our marriage, but me owning my part in it is what got me moving back towards health and happiness.
I don't think you have to allow what your boyfriend's pushing for to wear you down. When he pushes you can step aside and let him land where he may. You don't have to waste your energy pushing back.
Keep making your choices on what is healthiest and safest your you and your kids. I think you are doing great!
Nope. I would never be with someone who has been an addict (sorry, I don't mean to offend, it's my personal choice I cannot live with the chances of relapse and putting my family through that again). That being said, if I were to do so, they would have to be clean for at least five years, and I mean no "slips" or anything of the sort, and show that they are working recovery for THEMSELVES, to prove it. It sounds to me like he knows where your mind set it and is possibly doing all of this just to prove it to you. What happens when you are married, have purchased a house together, and then he picks up again??
This is only my two cents. Loving someone is just not enough when addiction is involved. I say that kindly because I know it's painful. Big hugs to you.
This is only my two cents. Loving someone is just not enough when addiction is involved. I say that kindly because I know it's painful. Big hugs to you.
I would echo what SmallButMighty wrote. When I was trying to make the final decision to leave I wore myself down with the circular thinking. Ruminating. Trying to balance the pro/con sheet. Trying to put a spin on it. Trying to find a way to make it work. It was never meant to work and I couldn't relax until it was over.
My addict BF would say, "I love you," and, "Marry me," honest to God, fifty times in an hour. It was so extreme and so manipulative that it was almost funny. That kind of acting makes it really hard to gain any sort of interior balance. I heard the words I wanted to hear but I knew that wasn't love. It was really disorienting.
I agree with her post. Step aside and let the words pass by. The only way I started getting any relief is to get out of it.
My addict BF would say, "I love you," and, "Marry me," honest to God, fifty times in an hour. It was so extreme and so manipulative that it was almost funny. That kind of acting makes it really hard to gain any sort of interior balance. I heard the words I wanted to hear but I knew that wasn't love. It was really disorienting.
I agree with her post. Step aside and let the words pass by. The only way I started getting any relief is to get out of it.
Do you really want to move forward with someone who is “pressuring you” with “words” he’s never spoken in 6 years until now, newly sober, maybe, maybe not and with a history of relapse?
The only love he’s proven to you that he is committed to is the bottle. And he struggles giving that up.
The reality is, we invest in the wrong people for us and our lives. We need to learn how and when is the time to cut our losses and walk away.
Me personally I do not like when someone is pressuring me because that’s a form of manipulation and I do not like to be disrespected or bullied with manipulation. Manipulation is not love it’s control.
The only love he’s proven to you that he is committed to is the bottle. And he struggles giving that up.
The reality is, we invest in the wrong people for us and our lives. We need to learn how and when is the time to cut our losses and walk away.
Me personally I do not like when someone is pressuring me because that’s a form of manipulation and I do not like to be disrespected or bullied with manipulation. Manipulation is not love it’s control.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 5
My two cents: I'm early 40's, have two kids, one a teenager, one young school age. For me, I figure I'm in no rush to move in with anybody, much less one who is an alcoholic or even newly-recovered alcoholic. I've had the serious long term relationship, I have my kids and I have my own home. I'll take as long as I need before I move in with anyone. I understand it's been six years, but you are right to question if this in your kids' best interest (and yours).
I just broke up with my abf who had been in recovery for about 5-6 months (that I was aware) and these were concerns I had as well even though I had no current plans to marry or move in with my bf. I figured I would just give it time and I told myself at minimum he would need to have one year sobriety under his belt. He only made it half that, thus why I am not seeing him right now. But at others have pointed out, even more time would be better. I know it's hard.
I just broke up with my abf who had been in recovery for about 5-6 months (that I was aware) and these were concerns I had as well even though I had no current plans to marry or move in with my bf. I figured I would just give it time and I told myself at minimum he would need to have one year sobriety under his belt. He only made it half that, thus why I am not seeing him right now. But at others have pointed out, even more time would be better. I know it's hard.
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