FireSprite

I turned a bit of a corner in my healing last night - tied up a lot of loose ACOA threads that have wormed their way in from my past to the present completely under my radar.

Well, not completely tied up, but this process is ever-evolving so I guess it's more like I just finally "arrived" at this place, ready to slay this particular dragon.

None of it was new information, but it fit together differently because my perceptions had shifted & some triggers just weren't ready to detonate until now. I truly believe that DD hitting ages at which I struggled trigger the most productive inner child work possible.... so long as I'm willing to see & acknowledge it. I discovered that most of my current discomfort is my Inner Child judging me the same way she judged my mom all those years ago when she was in a similar situation in life.

Now, as an adult, I GET it. I can separate the emotions & the logic of each of our decisions. But that kiddo inside of me is melting down, passing judgment & ridiculing me from inside out. "She" doesn't get it - she can't. She's immature & reactive & looking through a window with limited visibility to the whole of the situation.

It all brought me to the understanding that while I've been killing it in the area of self-care, I haven't quite mastered self-love just yet. In fact, I don't think I was even understanding that there is a huge difference between them. Sometimes self care can lead to moments of self-love but it's not automatic & while care can be very physically based, love is emotional & about accepting all sides of who you are with compassion. But certainly, it's necessary & easiest to start with self-care when beginning any form of recovery - you can't start out with unconditional self-love, right?... Or you wouldn't be in need of healing...

I wasn't hearing the judgment, comparison & perfectionism in my self-talk because it isn't surface-stuff..... most of these thoughts never even get verbalized inside my head; it's deep-seated emotional programming that first affects the way I feel internally about myself & then spreads externally to everyone around me.

I've googled a few good articles on this subject today & thought I'd start a conversation about it here too. Has anyone approached this distinction in their journey?

FireSprite

I'm using the ACOA article referenced in this thread to help me identify possible areas/starting points of my damage to focus on because it really resonates with my life experience:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...g-article.html (Adult Child of Alcoholic - interesting article)

kevlarsjal2

I think self-care and self-love are very different things. Like taking care of someone and loving them are not the same either.

In therapy I learned about the perfectionism and the way I was thinking about myself as never being good enough, always feeling faulty, being tougher with myself than with anyone else. My therapist said that we end up with an "inner narrator" that mirrors how we perceived our parents as children. In the best case it's an encouraging, soothing and loving inner voice. But mine is annoyed, frustrated and never pleased. Much like my parents were during my childhood.

I'm only at the beginning of this journey but apparently through mindfulness this inner narrator can be changed. It will take a lot of focus and work but apparently it is possible. Whenever you notice that you are "talking" to yourself in a harsh way, try to correct it and never talk to yourself in a way worse than you'd talk to a dear friend.

Mango212

Learning new self-care skills opened me up to self-love in completely new ways.

I loved myself enough to survive. Now I'm enjoying life. Two very different approaches to living "this day".

Mango212

In addressing the abuse trauma I had been through, I hit on a huge vein of self-hate I had not been aware of. Dealing with this allowed for a more deep, authentic relationship with myself.

Self-hatred was something I'd been taught by others. I also felt betrayed by myself for many reasons. Therapy, counseling, etc. have been absolutely great in helping me get through these issues. Hot yoga helps, too.

LifeRecovery

What a wonderful topic.

For me I have of course needed both, and honestly right now I feel like the self-love is in a pretty good place, but the self-care is harder. During stress and times of decreased time in general sometimes my care takes a step backwards. I am showing myself my self-love though by not whipping myself for what should be or could be and accepting what is. Lack of self-care is an old well worn family dynamic for me though and I have not fully walked that path yet.

How I knew I started to love myself was interesting. Prior to starting my recovery I had a monkey mind of crazy revolving thoughts. After I had some recovery that slowed down. One day when I hit a moment of increased stress the monkey mind came back (and the monkey mind about the monkey mind) which is even worse. I only could witness it though because it was "out of the norm." When it was all I knew I could not see how nutty it was. Accepting it as part of my path is what for me helped me to see it as self-love. I have been successful at doing that around many other facets of my life.

I also feel like I have needed both at different times to hit deeper layers. Self-care to allow myself to be vulnerable enough to support myself around self-love. Self-love to care enough about myself to prioritize self-care.....

Though I have used many treatment modalities over the years I think therapy was where I purged enough toxic stuff to get to the self-love. It is also where I learned enough about my process to trust it as just that, my journey not my end point. Trusting my journey has been a huge display of self-love for me....not trying to force it into someone else's mold. Not judging it but reflecting on that is where I am.

The other part (which may or may not be related) is this analogy I have been considering recently.

My hurt is like a grain of sand. I am like an oyster. To decrease the irritation I built up walls, which can be harmful and not good for me, but also make me who I am.....a unique pearl. I can let go of that pearl when it is not serving me any longer but those walls were needed at one point and saved me and in some instances kept me alive. When I was able to start shifting out of the wounding and into some of the gifts it has provided that has felt like self-love.

I need to think about this some more. I have been working on a couple of posts in my mind recently that might relate but they are not fully formed yet.

Thanks as always for doing good self-care and asking such wonderful questions. I don't know much, but I do know that I trust your journey and I am grateful you bring us along on part of it.

lizatola

Not much to add to what you said, Firesprite. I wholeheartedly agree with you, though. This is very fitting for me, though, because it's self love that I chose to focus on in my recovery after leaving my relationship.

I need to get rid of my feeling that I'm not 'good enough', it's a constant theme I see brought up in Al Anon meetings. I was always trying to get validation from others because I never heard boo from my family/parents growing up. I was basically shoved into adulthood by age 10. I became a responsible, people pleasing perfectionist and I was never 'good enough'.

I appreciate this topic so very much!

hopeful4

What a wonderful post friend! I am going to re-read and take this to heart as I think I am in the same head space as well in that aspect. Thank you for bringing up this very important topic and sharing!

FireSprite

Yes, you guys get what I'm saying.

I've discovered that I have ZERO problem diving deeply into my problem areas & addressing all of the ways I've fallen or failed - in fact, I eagerly reach for growth in this way.

But I am completely unable to dive that deeply in the opposite direction to embrace my positive aspects, successes, etc.

Odd, because I appear to have no lack of confidence. Until it comes to specifically praising myself for something. I have no problem with generic ways of loving myself - it's the details that I can't even SEE. It's just a void - I stretch to name a specific talent, achievement, moment of pride, etc. I still struggle to identify dreams & desires for myself or to embrace creativity in new ways.

Yes, most definitely. It's the Unsaid that I am struggling with now, I think. IMO, the layer underneath the active "talk"... the part where I just have an accepted definition of self that ties to my self-worthiness & value & more than anything, Judgment.

YES! I need to do this officially, in a class where I can just follow along, but right now I've been getting some of the same benefits from doing yoga on my small screened front porch during some of the worst heat/humidity times of the day. I walk just after sunrise at this time of year but still force myself to break a sweat - today I crushed my fastest time. So many emotions & thoughts bubble up when I focus intentfully on activities like these.

A recent seminar reminded me about "Paper Tigers" and how simply engaging our hip flexors/psoa muscles can help combat fight-or-flight when it triggers (because you're simulating actually running from that tiger) so I bought one of these to use with my standing desk at work:

https://www.walmart.com/ip/Gold-s-Gy...&wl13=&veh=sem

You guys are really resonating with what I'm feeling. This^ reminded me of a quote I printed for myself & DD just this week:

"They tell you to develop a thick skin so things don't get to you. What they don't tell you is that your thick skin will keep everything from getting out too. Love, intimacy, vulnerability.

I don't want that. Thick skin doesn't work anymore. I want to be transparent and translucent. For that to work, I won't own other people's shortcomings and criticisms. I won't put what you say about me on my load." ~Viola Davis

It just astounds me that after all this time, I still don't fully accept myself. That it's due to never fully seeing myself. I can't accept what I don't even acknowledge exists.

The seeds of this started a couple of months ago - someone made a comment to me & I replied that I was "far too insecure for all that". Their slack-jaw reaction, "no WAY you're insecure!!!!.... wow, someone has done a number on you" made me pause (as I always do when someone's reaction to me doesn't line up with how I think of myself) & think, hmmmmm..... yes, but WHO? ... because there was no straight line from here-to-there. It would be VERY easy to link it to my husband & allllll of his dysfunctions & ways he's hurt me but truthfully, it goes back way farther than that & I need to start THERE.

Thank you ALL ..... I'm humbled that my sharing here helps anyone as much as I'm grateful for the way your input helps me keep on my path. You guys contribute in such a huge, huge way to my growth.

FireSprite

I'm going to start some new self-love exercises today, now that I've purged some of the emotions, had some great convos about it & have a general direction to face.

Mirror work - scrying in my pagan world - has come up again & again in my reading and it's a tool that I used with great success in my teens. Using it intentfully with this purpose in mind now, as an adult, should be pretty damn empowering.

Both my yoga teachers & my wise Cherokee friend remind me that when all else fails, I need to drop down into love - self-love specifically. When I have an unidentifiable trigger tripped that I feel but can't rationalize - I need to focus on heart/love/self energy in whatever way that translates for me - meditations, crystals, aromatherapy, yoga, etc.

Mango212

Firesprite,

Consider this one sometime:

Draw a picture. Have quietness around you. No music. No influences other than what's inside you.

This picture is of a place. No certain place. A landscape, or city, perhaps, or a building, field or at sea. Now draw yourself in this place. Let all parts of you be present while drawing. The child of you. The hurt parts. The healed parts. Any pencils, colors, etc. can be used. Let this be fairly quick. 20 minutes tops.

FireSprite

Oooo, good one Mango. Will do!

Reminds me of that book where a bunch of women wrote letters to the younger versions of themselves at a time when they struggled to offer advice & guidance from the adult version of themselves that had survived & thrived. (Letters to my Younger Self?) I need to write a letter to the 13-14 yr old version of me since she's the one triggered here, explaining the side of what she doesn't see & giving her permission to let go & handle it all imperfectly.

I also recognize that this is all bringing up everything I put on my very own Vision Board early this year. It's not irony. It's LOA.

FireSprite

This is a big takeaway for me in this thread so I wanted to call it out separately - it's so simple when I turn those same thoughts outward instead of inward!!

Pathwaytofree

What a great tread. Thank you for starting this.

I am on the journey right now of self-care and self-love. These were sorely missing from my Christian-based (thought they'd never admit it) AA former home group. My new sponsor, however, sees its importance. My therapist stresses it.

May I add a few more I've found important? Self-worth. Self-respect. Self-validation. Self-strength. Assertiveness.

I probably should've worked ACOA along with AA. But in therapy I am working on these things, and it's helping me grow a lot into my authentic self.

To me there is a difference between self-love and self-care, but they do go hand in hand.

Bernadette

Firesprite, wow what a great topic. A deep topic. Made me think about if even my go-to ease with self-care has been a bit of a block... or an external validation that hey OK OK I'm OK!!! Indeed for me self-care is necessary, like massage has always been a go-to remedy (or needed distraction?) when my internal gasket is blowing and I am getting, overwhelmed with misery and anxiety. It takes me out of that flooded headspace to a calmer place...

Reading Pema Chodron's book "When Things Fall Apart" is helping me in the self-love department. She introduced me to this idea of not putting my energy into getting rid of negative self-talk, that it is kind of an impossible goal. But on the journey to loving the self, just recognizing and welcoming those negative voices, with a kind of "Oh, hello, I know you, there YOU are again, you old rascal...."

I resisted this idea so strongly. I thought, what??? Aren't I supposed to be free from these harsh internal critics? How will I find peace or happiness with these demonic voices? I want to make them go away, not make friends with them.

But I have been trying out the approach and it does allow a softening in me, it gives some space for humor, or just some space around the pain and fear and self-hate; a little pause instead of struggle for resistance, which allows an opening where I can flood some warmth and light and love in.

I've taken to saying to myself, a la Sammy Davis Jr. on "Laugh In" (is anyone from the US here old enough to remember that from when they were kids??) "Here comes the judge!" when I start with the self criticism or judging of my own and others' behaviors that annoy me. Otherwise I find myself in that "monkey mind about the monkey mind" that LIferecovery described so perfectly! I'd get harsh and judge myself as failing in not being able to dismiss or control that negative voice. No end to that circular misery LOL!

I don't know....I am locked into the same "results-based" thinking as most of society, and trying to be more, well just more OK with being in the process...I am facing some serious health issues at this time, which are forcing me to reconsider ALL my old narratives of self, the good and the bad....I'm trying to get to a wider/deeper place, where the self-love is warm and ever-present and happy to see me, like my beloved Nana always was, in spite of any insanity roiling around in the family or the world....

So I'm just practicing this idea, making peace instead of war...it's scary....
Peace,
B.

FireSprite

Another relevant & super interesting point. Some of my readings yesterday talked about how the Bible clearly states that we should "love thy neighbor as yourself" but that the birth of Calvinism sort of deemed self-love to be unacceptable & selfish. So much so that this discrepancy has continued on throughout the whole of Christianity in the Western world - loving your neighbor is virtuous but loving yourself is a vice. How can we love others when we never really learn to love ourselves fundamentally? I feel like this is the birthplace of Judgment.

No wonder I had such a strong, visceral reaction to my Catholic upbringing starting at a very, very young age. Going through the sacrament of Penance made. me. crazed. Even at 6/7 yrs old I struggled with my world view to reconcile that I needed to be absolved of my sins in order to transcend as a spiritual being - what about that other girl, my age, living in poverty & starvation in Ethiopia? She's not worthy? What put me here, born to *this* life but blind chance? How close was I to BEING her & unsavable/unworthy?

I would sit & create sins to "confess" because as the oldest child of an alcoholic household, I pretty much did everything "right" out of fear & survival.... but you couldn't go into that little, dark confessional booth and tell that faceless man that you'd done NOTHING wrong, could you? It was pounded into our heads that we were all sinners & all had something to confess.... so much so that we have to practice doing it as well as the punishment of prayer recital. Prayer as penance.

They practically had to hog-tie me into that little white mini-bride dress for my 1st Communion & I struck a deal with my parents that if I could toe the line until my Confirmation Ceremony around age 14 and still wanted to walk away from the church, I could. No idea why it surprised them that I followed through with this - I'd never wavered in my opinions over alllll those years despite being dragged along for every church-related event. Holy Thursday before Easter still makes my skin crawl.

I'm glad you brought this up because it's been SO long since I've been a religiously-influenced person that I forgot it was such a huge part of my early development.

And your next points were also a big part of my readings - self-esteem especially.

I think this is why self-love is more difficult for me - it's not tangible where I can measure my growth or judge how long I'll be "stuck" here, in-between.

I have this book, gifted to me by another SR member nonetheless. Thank you for the reminder!!

So much to think about..........

LifeRecovery

Firesprite-

I almost posted this with another one of your questions some time ago, and I will apologize for the length up front.

This is part of a chapter from Saki Santorelli's book called Heal Thy Self, Lessons on Mindfullness in Medicine. For me the story though helps me to define self-love but it is hard to not include the other purposed of Mindfullness and MBSR in the health care practioner/patient relationship.

Seven A.M. Driving to work on the Mass Pike. Heading east. I turn on National Public Radio's Morning Edition. Today the journalist is in Chicago. He weaves this tale: A large, prestigious museum in Chicago raise a lot of public and private money to host an art exhibit. The chose as the theme for the exhibit the works of "disabled" artists, sent out a hundred invitations to exhibit and received no takers.

Perplexed, anxious and probably scared, the museum curator and the board of directors, with a lot of money and reputation on the line, decide to get to the bottom of this. The answer seems obvious. they discover that none of these highly accomplished artists, many of whom have shown their work internationally, wants to exhibit under the rubric "disabled." Months later, after much persuasion and negotiation, a well-known artist who also has a "disability " consented to exhibit his work. Following this opening, other artists accepted and the exhibit is filled.

The radio story picks up with the commentator walking through the gallery on opening day, describing to the listeners what he sees while having conversations with some of the artists. (I removed a paragraph for brevity)

Next we hear about a sculptor. A large, powerfully built man who fabricates and welds metal, building huge and sometimes towerlike structures. We find out that this sculptor lost his leg some years ago, is unable to wear a prostesis, and continues to sculpt with one leg. He is asked if his work now is different from when he had two legs. The man responds, clearly, deliberately. "This is what I do now: This is normal." We come to find out that the sculptor has been chosen to create the centerpiece of the exhibit. He has sculpted a sphere out of stone, perhaps marble or granite. We are told that it was perfect, with an uninterrupted smoothly polished surfaced. After the sphere was completed, the artist smashed it, then put it back together with bolts, metal fasteners, and bonding agents. Now---full of fractures---it is sitting in the middle of the gallery, in the middle of America, labeled SHATTERED BUT STILL WHOLE.

Hearing this, as I'm traveling at fifty-five miles and hour, shatters me. My chest is split wide open. I slow down, tears pouring out of my eyes--out of all of my fractures---cascading onto my shirt, tie and lap. Turned inside out by the tears for me, by tears for all of us. The river behind these teardrops feels immense and impersonal. These tears are not the old familiar ones that flow from tributaries of self-pity or anxiety driven thirst for that which I don't have and personally want. This flow is far more universal. It is a grief-bearing river. The shudder, the melting tell me in an instant that this membrane of personal history, erupting into the truth of our collective condition.

This is every person's story. (paragraph removed)

SHATTERED BUT STILL WHOLE

With more ferocity, mercy and compassion than ten thousand words could have conveyed, this recognition penetrates. Like mindfullness practice, the story helps everyone in the room remember that having a serious illness and being treated in the mainstream, academic medical center need not, like amnesia, numb us, nor further intoxicate us into a deep, sleepy forgetfullness of our inherent wholeness.

But too often, driven largely by time, training and uncertainty, health professional lose sight of or turn away from the deeper mission of engaging in the intimacy of suffering--our own, and that of those who seek our care. By necessity we have developed a vast reservoir of knowledge intended to relieve, and in some instance cure. But, like a double-edged sword, this knowledge can easily bind us to the shattered aspects of these human beings before us while simultaneously blinding us to their---and our-- deeper, intrinsic wholeness. Most often this reactive conditioning arises out of fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the uncomfortable. Fear of helplessness. Fear of our own broken places. Yet, if we do not carefully attend to this within ourselves, we treat ourselves and the ones seeking our care unjustly. Refusing, mostly unconsciously to acknowledge and enter our own brokenness, we remain numb, distant, and most often, cynical.

The rest of the chapter is more on the patient and caregiver relationship but like the Japanese art of adding beauty to a broken object this chapter helped me to sink into self-love is sitting, tending, respecting and eventually loving all the fractured parts, that together make me whole.

Thanks for reading.

Pathwaytofree

Many people on SR who have helped me tremendously follow Christianity. But for me personally, where I'm at right now in my recovery, is that I need to finally find and build some self-love. In the short time that I have been, it's helping me remarkably. Christianity has many beautiful things about love like from Corinthians, etc., but for this ACOA it just left me void of self-love and self-healing.

I get it. I wasn't raised Catholic, but when I was at a progressive Christian church for some time, I met many lovely people who were raised Catholic. They told me stories that I couldn't believe. Things like children crying hysterically because they couldn't think of sins they did and were terrified to see the priest. Women who were treated horribly because they got divorced, even though their husband's were abusive. Children who were now thought of as "conceived out of wedlock" due to divorce. People who were no longer allowed to get Communion due to this. Elderly who were terrified of fire and brimstone. People who were told that stuff happened to them because they didn't get enough prayers.

I also wondered early on why people seemed to be "punished" by God. Fortunately my former sponsor was raised Catholic but became spiritual but not religious during recovery. But she still had some Catholic teachings that seeped through our talks. I just sort of felt like the AA group I was going to was Christian based although they didn't say it. It just didn't work for me. I found myself watching my every single little move, word, and thought, trying once again to be perfect. It put too much pressure on me. And it brought me right back to childhood, when I tried to be perfect and walked on egg shells around my dry alcoholic rageaholic mother.

Oh my gosh how ironic, with what I wrote above before reading this paragraph. You were smart to create sins. I think very young children weren't able to do that, though, and they'd get yelled at. So sad. I would've been an awful mess. I hadn't even realized Catholics have prayer as penance, vs using prayer as connecting with a loving God not as punishment. Wow.

That's so interesting that at a very young age, you made your own opinion instead of just going along with what you were told to do.

Mine too--though not as harsh as yours. But my mother still used God and religion to put fear into me

I had low self esteem from early childhood. Recovery helped me to a point, but now I'm building it even moreso with therapy without even realizing it. My former AA sponsor did a lot of harm to my self esteem.

That was so kind of her to gift you a book! I have heard of Pema Chodran but haven't read her work. I'll add it to my list now.

That's the beauty of growth, isn't it.......

hopeful4

I have been raised in a church that is sort of a "step sister" to Catholic. So in other words, different, but much the same. I am very lucky however to have a preacher who recognizes self love. It is something he speaks about almost every Sunday, and I have always appreciated that very much. There is no confessional or anything of the sort in my church, we pray to God ourselves.

My heart hurt at the thought of the young Firesprite having to create sins for the confessional. It's a shame people don't feel open to go in and actually speak their heart during confessionals.

Sending out lots of love to you my friends.

FireSprite

That is just incredibly powerful. I had to slow down & read it twice & let it sink in. I can't thank you enough for taking the time to share all of that! I'm going to print out that phrase & add it to my wall of quotes & vision board.

Kintsugi - this is the 3rd time in as many days that this reference has come up in my world. Not a coincidence, surely.