Dating a man/17 years sober

Old 07-23-2018, 06:59 AM
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Dating a man/17 years sober

Hi, a little background. I am dating a man 17 years sober. He came in seemingly so perfect, attentive, spoiling me, wanting to share a lot of time together except he seemed to be overly attentive to his dogs needs, total control of his cooking, constant talk of his work. I also realized he seemed very disinterested in ME in general, not really interested in hearing about my life, at all. Almost going thru the motions. Cut to a long weekend at his family Lake house. I questioned him on his nonattentiveness, and control issues, and he went crazy. ZERO to a 100. Accused me of trying to change him, when I was addressing the disinterest in me. He then ghosted me after we returned. This is a guy who was so in like, then Jekyl and Hyde!!! Then, accused me of being psycho when all I asked for was communication and a simple discussion. Who shuts off the like valve so fast? What happened here? It's like he was a robot with zero feelings. Feeling so confused, I feel like I was set up.
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Old 07-23-2018, 07:02 AM
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Well, that's what dating is about.

They all start out pretty good. It's like a job interview. Then the daily grind of going in every day starts to show.

I've had things like this happen more than once, and not just alcoholics. There are a lot of strange people out there.

Glad you've escaped this one.
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Old 07-23-2018, 07:12 AM
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I have had 2 long term marriage/relationships in 35 years. This was my first dating experience since. I certainly did see red flags, perhaps he felt he needed to completely end it instead of talk it out because it's easier than addressing issues? I find the lack of sensitivity and the ghosting beyond cruel. I'm angry that he ruined my first dating experience!
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Old 07-23-2018, 07:20 AM
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Whatever the reason, it does happen.

If a guy is single and talks all about himself - maybe that's a clue!

((Hug))

Frog!!

Don't try to figure it out, it'll make you crazy! It just is.
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Old 07-23-2018, 07:20 AM
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How long had you been dating? What red flags did you see prior to this big one?
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Old 07-23-2018, 07:46 AM
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It can feel like a "set-up" when someone you thought you could trust turns on you in an instant.

Is it untreated alcoholism (as in he is sober but has never really sought recovery) or is he just a guy with anger issues, hard to say.

I'm going to guess you are not the first woman to say this to him and with his trigger happy anger he just blows up. You were the recipient of whatever baggage he is carrying around that relates to his self-centered view.

As for the "ghosting" that's cruel treatment as well and not something adults play at.

I just hope you see this as a learning experience and move on to the next (hopefully spectacular!) dating experience. He isn't going to change at this point and you surely can't fix whatever is troubling him.
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Old 07-23-2018, 07:50 AM
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3 months dating. I try not to judge, but I felt his dating history at age 55 told some story. Also, he has literally filled up his life with projects, sports, classes, so much so that he didn't have time to date. Believe me, I like to be busy, but not at the expense of not finding one day in the week available. Strained relationship with his ex. He's very judgemental to his family members who do drink, so much so that I was very uncomfortable at his bashing them. Odd, very odd relationship with dog. Controlling of his adult daughter, plays savior and then other times not there at all. I asked him where his middle ground was, he admitted he was a "go big or go home". Very competitive, plays in an adult ice hockey team, very upset with himself when he played less than spectacular. I loved watching him play, regardless.
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Old 07-23-2018, 08:06 AM
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Lots of red flags, be glad you only invested 3 months of your time into this ill-fated dating experience. Did you fall really hard and fast for him? That’s always a red flag in its self.

I try not to judge people either BUT I always feel the need to judge whether or not they fit into my life.
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Old 07-23-2018, 08:08 AM
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Sunshine...if you aren't willing to throw the small ones back...you shouldn't be fishing, in the first place.........lol.....

When you are dating...you are supposed to judge! That is what dating is for....to find out what is compatable for what you want in your life....
I am not talking about the basic worth of human life....I am talking about choosing what you want in your life...and, what is in your best welfare....

It takes a long time to get to really know another person....everyone is on their best behavior during the first few months.....you have to give a few months for the "shiny" to wear off...before you know who you are dealing with,,,,,
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Old 07-23-2018, 08:15 AM
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Holy moly.

RUN.

Really no point analyzing this one, he has shown you who is .

RUN, RUN, RUN.
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Old 07-23-2018, 08:45 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Sunshine...if you aren't willing to throw the small ones back...you shouldn't be fishing, in the first place.........lol.....

When you are dating...you are supposed to judge! That is what dating is for....to find out what is compatable for what you want in your life....
I am not talking about the basic worth of human life....I am talking about choosing what you want in your life...and, what is in your best welfare....

It takes a long time to get to really know another person....everyone is on their best behavior during the first few months.....you have to give a few months for the "shiny" to wear off...before you know who you are dealing with,,,,,
Lesson to learn no doubt. This is my first experience dating after 35 years, so I did not know exactly what to look out for. I have been in two long relationships, both pretty healthy. I am learning, I knew right away that something was amiss when I couldn't discuss my feelings. And yes, the "shiny" certainly did wear off. What bothered me was how he talked so much about how I was mean and hurt HIS feelings. He said he even talked to his buddies on his way to their meeting. I told him that it's a shame they may have only heard his version. I by no means think I am perfect but I expect a lot from people, honesty, truth, that's what I have gotten and received in the past. I did fall for him because he PRESENTED himself as perfect for me. I don't know how to see thru people to their true motives apparently.
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Old 07-23-2018, 08:48 AM
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Originally Posted by marie1960 View Post
Holy moly.

RUN.

Really no point analyzing this one, he has shown you who is .

RUN, RUN, RUN.
Yes, I am now. I am glad this happened sooner rather than later, lesson learned for sure!
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Old 07-23-2018, 08:51 AM
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Originally Posted by atalose View Post
Lots of red flags, be glad you only invested 3 months of your time into this ill-fated dating experience. Did you fall really hard and fast for him? That’s always a red flag in its self.

I try not to judge people either BUT I always feel the need to judge whether or not they fit into my life.
Yes, I did fall hard and fast. I gave myself a year since my last relationship ended, to regroup, enjoy my life without having to have a man. I'm in a great place, but hey, I do feel like I was certainly manipulated by the whole package he PRESENTED to me.
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Old 07-23-2018, 08:54 AM
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Originally Posted by Sunshinelover View Post
Yes, I am now. I am glad this happened sooner rather than later, lesson learned for sure!
And that is truly good. Lots of people just hang on to the potential in a partner.

Expecting honesty and truth is not "a lot" in my opinion. You sound very level-headed, you are going to be fine. I am really sorry that your first dating experience turned out to be so hurtful.
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Old 07-23-2018, 09:31 AM
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i imagine that most everyone PRESENTS a better self when dating? i mean i sure as heck wouldn't put a pic of me right after rolling out of bed on a saturday morning, no shower and in my ratty-ass five year old t-shirt jammies!!! that is WHY we date people....to get to know them better, slowly and over time.

in your case it took about three months....not bad really! nobody had moved in with anybody, nobody got pregnant, no engagement.

as the ole saying goes: I came, I saw, I left!!!
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Old 07-23-2018, 10:38 AM
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Sober isn't just abstinence. It's a state of mind.

I've been sober close to 28 years now, and it isn't all about me. That's old alcoholic behavior. I dated a guy briefly (dry drunk) and he took me out to eat on Valentine's Day. The entire meal consisted of him talking all about himself.

There was no more seeing him after that!

Sending you hugs of support!
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Old 07-23-2018, 11:04 AM
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Yikes! So now you know!!! RUN!!!
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Old 07-23-2018, 11:26 AM
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SSL,
They say on this forum that lots of A's stop growing at the age they pick up. He sounds like my axh. I say he stopped growing up at 13 years old. He would make faces, say stuff under his breath, and scream loudly so people could hear him. Very immature like. Sounds like he has been sober for a long time but still has the characteristics of a dry drunk. Count your blessings that this didn't take you 2 or 4 years to see and you had more invested.

((((((((hugs))))))))))
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Old 07-23-2018, 11:49 AM
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Ghosting is cruel and manipulative. It's a way of having the "last word" without having to man up and have a discussion. I'm sorry this happened but I'm glad you spoke up and he showed more spots
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Old 07-23-2018, 01:09 PM
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It sounds to me like a once-drunk narcissist is now a sober narcissist. You dodged the bullet on this one.

Oh, and narcissists are extremely charming when they want something or someone.
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