Family bully

Old 07-22-2018, 10:13 PM
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Family bully

Family dysfunctional relationships seem to go hand-in-hand with this family disease of alcoholism.

Healing is possible. It does require new actions. The imploding doormat role no longer benefits me in any way!


7 Ways to Deal With the Family Bully

Aside from online bullying, workplace bullying and even sibling bullying, bullying also occurs in families among adults.

Sometimes family bullying happens simply because the adult bully has never learned how to relate in a healthy way. Other times it occurs because the family bully wants to manipulate and control situations. If you are faced with a bully in your family, here are some suggestions on how to handle the situation.

1- Avoid Getting Emotional

When dealing with a family bully, remain calm and avoid acting out in anger or frustration. You cannot control the bully, but you can control your reaction. Instead, remain calm and try to disengage from any interaction with the bully. Meanwhile, write down the incidents and include important details like the date, time, place and type of incident. Doing so will help you identify any patterns in the behavior. What's more, this information will be useful down the road in avoiding further altercations with the bully.

2 - Turn to Someone You Trust

Share the details of your experience with a trusted friend. The key is to find someone you can confide in. Steer clear of gossip, but look for someone who will support you when a bullying incident occurs. Some people opt for telling another family member instead of a friend, but be careful in doing so. Sometimes family members feel they need to "fix" the situation and will end up creating more problems in the process. The important thing is to talk to someone who will keep what you say in confidence and not make the situation more difficult. Just remember, it is never a good idea to keep silent about the bullying. Telling just one person can help you feel less isolated and alone. What's more, it helps to have someone listen to what you are experiencing and validate your feelings. Just be sure to pick someone you can trust.

3 - Make a Choice

When the bullying occurs, you have a choice. You can leave, fire back with a witty comeback or try to ignore the bullying. But do not give the bully what he or she wants by reacting negatively or emotionally. Maintain your composure and be respectful. Just because the bully is behaving inappropriately does not give you license to behave that way too. Make every effort to maintain your dignity and choose how you want to respond.

4 - Establish Boundaries

When it comes to a family bully, it is important to create firm boundaries between you and the bully. For instance, if your husband’s aunt repeatedly insults your cooking and humiliates you in front of your guests, tell her that her comments are insulting and you want it to stop. If she continues, stop inviting her to your home. Make yourself clear and stick to the rules you set. She may never change her behavior, but you do not have to tolerate it just because she is family. Anytime family members continue to cross the line in their treatment of you, simply limit the amount of contact you have with them.

5 - Assert Yourself

Anytime someone bullies you, it is important that you learn how to stand up for yourself. Being assertive means that you are honest about how you feel without acting aggressively, engaging in name-calling or being a bully yourself. Be specific about the problem without getting emotional. But be prepared for the bully to challenge your perceptions or tell you that you are being unrealistic or too sensitive. Do not own these accusations. They are just another attempt to control you or manipulate the situation.

6 - Remain Confident

Family bullies are able to quickly discern whom they can control and manipulate. Avoid looking nervous, insecure or defeated. No matter what happens when you set boundaries or assert yourself, stay strong. It’s also important to remain respectful. Do not give into any pressures from the bully.

7 - Take Time to Recharge

Being around a bullying family member can be draining. Take time for yourself afterwards. Go for a walk. Read a good book. Get a massage. The key is to do something that will help you de-stress and get rid of the negative energy that a bully brings.

What’s more, if the family bullying begins to take a toll on your emotional health, be sure you look for a counselor who specializes in the family issues. And most importantly, limit your contact, or refuse to have any contact with the family member until he or she can treat you with respect.
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Old 07-22-2018, 10:37 PM
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5 types of bullies:

"1. Physical bullying. This refers to the use of physical intimidation, threat, harassment and/or harm. Examples of physical bullying include physical attack, simulated violence (such as raising a fist as if to strike, or throwing objects near a person), extortion, date rape, marital rape, domestic violence, sexual harassment at work, personal space violation, physical space entrapment, physical size domination, and numerical domination (ganging up on a victim).

“I had my bully, and it was excruciating. Not only the bully, but the intimidation I felt." — Robert Cormier


2. Tangible/material bullying. Using one’s formal power (i.e. title or position) or material leverage (i.e. financial, informational, or legal) as forms of intimidation, threat, harassment, and/or harm. In these scenarios, the bully uses his or her advantage in stature and/or resources to dominate and control the victim.

“The greater the power, the more dangerous the abuse.”— Edmond Burke


3. Verbal bullying. Threats; shaming; hostile teasing; insults; constant negative judgment and criticism; or racist, sexist, or homophobic language.

“The scars from mental cruelty can be as deep and long-lasting as wounds from punches or slaps but are often not as obvious.” ―Lundy Bancroft


4. Passive-aggressive or covert bullying. This is a less frequently mentioned form of bullying, but in some ways it's the most insidious. With many bullies, you can see them coming because they are quick to make their intimidating presence known. A passive-aggressive or covert bully, however, behaves appropriately on the surface, but takes you down with subtlety.

Examples of passive-aggressive and covert bullying include negative gossip, negative joking at someone’s expense, sarcasm, condescending eye contact, facial expression or gestures, mimicking to ridicule, deliberately causing embarrassment and insecurity, the invisible treatment, social exclusion, professional isolation, and deliberately sabotaging someone’s well-being, happiness, and success.

"Behind the smile, a hidden knife!" ―Ancient Chinese proverb describing passive-aggressive behavior


5. Cyber bullying. Many types of tangible, verbal, and passive-aggressive behavior mentioned above can be conveyed online via social media, texting, video, email, on-line discussion, and other digital formats. Identity theft is also a form of cyber bullying.

“Cyber bullies…do not need direct physical access to their victims to do unimaginable harm.” ―Anna Maria Chavez



What these five types of bullying have in common is that, when enacted repeatedly, they become patterns of physical, mental, and/or emotional abuse. Unless strong and effective boundaries are established, the bully is likely to repeat and intensify the abuse.

“Someone who hates you normally hates you for one of three reasons: They see you as a threat. They hate themselves. Or they want to be you.” ―Unknown

The most important thing to keep in mind about bullies is that they pick on those whom they perceive as weaker. So, as long as you remain passive and compliant, you make yourself a target. Many bullies are also cowards: When their victims begin to show backbone and stand up for their rights, a bully will often back down. This is true in schoolyards, as well as in domestic and office environments.

“I realized that bullying never has to do with you. It's the bully who's insecure.” —Shay Mitchell

When confronting bullies, be sure to place yourself in a position where you can safely protect yourself, whether it’s standing tall on your own, having other people present as witnesses and support, or keeping a paper trail of the bully’s inappropriate behavior. In cases of physical, verbal, or emotional abuse, consult with counseling, legal representation, law enforcement, or administrative professionals. It’s important to stand up to bullies—and you don’t have to do it alone."


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“Someone who hates you normally hates you for one of three reasons: They see you as a threat. They hate themselves. Or they want to be you.”

Hate is strong word. Co-dependents who are in recovery can sometimes wind up being disliked by family members who are used to the alcoholic-centered family unit. In this way, the person who is no longer adapting to the dysfunction becomes a perceived threat.
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Old 07-23-2018, 10:42 AM
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Thanks for posting all of that. It's a very good read!
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Old 07-23-2018, 11:11 AM
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This needs to be in the stickies I think. This really was a good read and helped me immensely see one of my siblings for what is going on!
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Old 05-17-2021, 05:31 AM
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(Copied and pasted portion taken from) Mango212 post of April 2018:

7 - Take Time to Recharge

Being around a bullying family member can be draining. Take time for yourself afterwards. Go for a walk. Read a good book. Get a massage. The key is to do something that will help you de-stress and get rid of the negative energy that a bully brings.

What’s more, if the family bullying begins to take a toll on your emotional health, be sure you look for a counselor who specializes in the family issues. And most importantly, limit your contact, or refuse to have any contact with the family member until he or she can treat you with respect.


^^^ That provides good advice and will help with a positive start of my day.

Many thanks to Mango212 for the original post that provided "7 Ways to Deal With the Family Bully" 👍
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Old 05-18-2021, 10:48 AM
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I said goodbye to my tag-team bully sisters almost 5 years ago. One of the wisest decisions I ever made.
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Old 05-21-2021, 05:26 AM
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eauchiche: I admire your strength and resolve. Thank you for sharing.

I am keeping bullies in my life at arm's length; however, not yet having gone no contact (it would be difficult to do so at the moment, financial considerations).

One day at a time.
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Old 07-08-2021, 06:23 AM
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Darn, he's at it again. I work from home, employ of which I am on the phone with customers and while calls are being recorded, and during my shift yesterday, the bully had a meltdown, while wandering into my working area, screaming, threatening, and using profanity (financial issue that was not urgent, that could have waited for a later discussion and I had insisted can we speak about outside of work hours to which he continued his raging and ranting).

I am now wondering if I should clue my supervisor in on this problem (that I have no control over a mentally compromised family member's occasional outbursts) or just let it go and if, in fact, his outburst is recorded (management periodically reviews our calls, so it's possible they could review a call with his outbursts in the background) and if I am asked about it by management, should I wait and address it then, I wonder.

I choose to stay with this job, which is working well from me, and I have no choice but to work from home until probably the end of summer; my coworkers and I will eventually be placed back at the office.

Even were I to move to a room in my home where I could set up my equipment to work, where I could lock a door, he would find a way to get in, if, in fact, he wanted to.

Getting another job is out of the question at the moment.
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Old 07-08-2021, 06:48 AM
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Anaya, that seems like a situation you should talk to your supervisor about. With covid restrictions lifting, you may be able to discuss being moved back into the office sooner so you have a safer work environment. I'm not sure what the best answer is though, I don't know your work culture. My supervisor is aware of my situation with my AH, which has made things a lot easier. Hopefully you have management you can trust to discuss your options with. I'm sorry you have to put up with that stuff.
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Old 07-08-2021, 06:58 AM
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Anaya, you consider leaving the job but not the home itself. Is moving out an option for you? I understand there are financial considerations, but can you get creative and stay with a friend or relative until you could manage another place on your own.

The impact this behavior has on your job is just one piece of the greater impact it has on your mental and emotional wellbeing. No one should be subjected to this. And that you are confident he could and would find a way through the very clear boundary of a locked door is disturbing and possibly dangerous.
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Old 07-08-2021, 04:35 PM
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Thanks for responses. I am deeply grateful.

I am thinking over what to do next. I've been making progress over time but illness and other stumbling blocks have made things slower for me to attain (getting things in order, making a decision about where to live).

I truly appreciate the support. It gets pretty scary here sometimes. Thank you
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Old 07-10-2021, 07:17 AM
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Well, our minds can't come up with the Solution.
Telling someone we want their toxic behavior to "stop" only makes them do it more.

I ask questions eye to eye with courage - sometimes in front of others. "What exactly do you mean by that?" Or, "You're jot saying I'm the problem around here, are you?"
Then I be quiet - and I let them answer.

However we need to start getting well first through the steps to do this.

Each situation calls for a different response.
Not a reaction, but a response. IOW, don't over yourself and swear and name-call.

Sometimes I have to say what I mean, and mean what I say, and say it REAL firm.
I do away with what the toxic predator just said to me. I leave it on them.

Responding is something we come to practice with the help of a very experienced sponsor as we do our own step work.

Cuz if I were to react, that would a wrong on my part.

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Old 07-10-2021, 07:21 AM
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Originally Posted by Anaya View Post
Thanks for responses. I am deeply grateful.

I am thinking over what to do next. I've been making progress over time but illness and other stumbling blocks have made things slower for me to attain (getting things in order, making a decision about where to live).

I truly appreciate the support. It gets pretty scary here sometimes. Thank you
Don't let him sabotage your job. He knows it's your way out.
Toxic people control us through purse strings. Get the **** out of there ASAP. Never mind "deciding" where to live. Almost ANYwhere would be better than where you are.
And if you're not making that move immediately, I would ask myself why I would want to stick around...
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Old 07-13-2021, 05:07 AM
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Thank you, SarahSmiles12. I very much appreciate your responses and the insight you shared.

I shared all of what has occurred with my therapist and while speaking out loud and going over my options in a calm manner and safe environment, I found it very helpful 👍, one more step in the right direction on healing and becoming more and more self reliant. Since 2017, with injuries, illness, major surgery and limitations caused by those, I am slowly but surely finding my way back to normal, sans little if any support from the spouse. I will get there.
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Old 07-13-2021, 03:37 PM
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Originally Posted by Anaya View Post
Thank you, SarahSmiles12. I very much appreciate your responses and the insight you shared.

I shared all of what has occurred with my therapist and while speaking out loud and going over my options in a calm manner and safe environment, I found it very helpful 👍, one more step in the right direction on healing and becoming more and more self reliant. Since 2017, with injuries, illness, major surgery and limitations caused by those, I am slowly but surely finding my way back to normal, sans little if any support from the spouse. I will get there.
Sounds good, but just one thing: Can you rely on God instead of self only? For me, relying on self makes me just all the more afraid. When I am actively praying and meditating and working my program I just have this feeling that I will be alright. Just a suggestion.
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Old 07-14-2021, 06:07 AM
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Originally Posted by SarahSmiles12 View Post
Sounds good, but just one thing: Can you rely on God instead of self only? For me, relying on self makes me just all the more afraid. When I am actively praying and meditating and working my program I just have this feeling that I will be alright. Just a suggestion.
Thank you for the suggestion. 🙏

I have become much more aware and connected to God, especially since my journey through cancer and how that affects life and the reminder that life is short, that I need to get things in order for what is to come.

Prayer, meditation, and exercise are big helpers; and honestly, just doing the "flight" part of the "fight, freeze, or flight" whenever it is possible, whenever I can, just getting the heck out of this house whenever I can, is also very helpful.

I no longer isolate much and am not near as "afraid" to let others know what is going on behind closed doors -- though, I have to choose in whom to confide very, very carefully.

For example, some of those in the family are actually "flying monkeys" of the spouse and to them, I will not disclose. I also recogize it is not endearing to others to try to triangulate and put them in the middle.

Thank you again for your kindness and support. It is so very greatly appreciated.
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Old 07-14-2021, 08:44 AM
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“Flying monkeys”
Thank you for this. I’m going to borrow it.
I also rely completely on God. One thing I am being shown is that it is okay to have zero tolerance for the flying monkeys and the crap they leave all over the place.
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Old 07-15-2021, 04:21 AM
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to Eauchiche: Where you note about relying on God:

In my experience, as I have made some very stupid choices in my life, and while owning that I am flawed, that I have sinned, I find it very comforting to hold onto the belief that God is a forgiving father, that He will have mercy; and that there is grace and forgiveness. Perhaps were my spouse to come to know God, he would find the same.

As far as "flying monkeys" go: All the literature I've covered in recent years via vids from MH professionals, etc. -- those shares that give a breakdown, that educate on people, who seem to be "narcissistic" along with those that appear to be their "flying monkeys" -- the ingestion of all that info and keeping in mind the dynamics of those folks that seem to fit that pattern (specifically, the ones I come into contact regulary in my life) and keeping a distance from them has been helpful for me! Were I not to have discerned what was going on by becoming more aware of the manipulation, I would still be in the dark and more likely to fall into the triangulation trap. I am still vulnerable and have to be on guard.
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Old 07-15-2021, 04:35 AM
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Thank you, Anaya
Very insightful. Thanks for sharing.
I also look at challenges as learning experiences and occasions for growth.
I have to fight the temptation to triangulate others to my viewpoint in a stressful situation I am dealing with. That is not being a friend to them, and they can't do anything to fix the situation anyway.
If we meet later, far away from the situation, to swap "war stories," that is a different matter. Those times can be helpful to find out that we weren't the only ones.
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Old 07-15-2021, 04:51 AM
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https://www.facebook.com/photo?fbid=....2967404581903

Don't know if this will open, but a great remedy against the "flying monkeys."
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