Any advice would be appreciated
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Any advice would be appreciated
Hello, I'm just going to dive right in here. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about 2 years now and he's been an alcoholic the entire time. I'll spare most of the details since we have been through so much already and I would spend hours on here explaining it all. Fast forward to about 6 months ago, he openly expressed that he needed help and agreed to detox and and enter a recovery program(this is after his drinking was at its worst 1-2 fifths of whiskey a night) he was no doubt addicted and in serious need of help. He attended the recovery program and didn't drink for almost the entire time(best time of our relationship together) he had gained new coping skills, a sense of pride in himself again, and started to repair the relationships in his life(with his kids, me parents,and friends) overall he was happy. He had a few relapses along the way(which is understandable) but overall he was doing great. Then things stared to change about a month ago. He would come home and go directly to the garage and spend hours in there. At first I didn't think much about it considering his profession(automotive technician) but after about 4 days of him spending almost all of his time there I was worried since it wasn't normal for him. I asked him if anything was going on and if he was ok and he repetitively said "I'm fine" Shortly after that I went out to the garage to tell him dinner was ready. To my surprise he was tipping up a bottle of wild turkey 101. I was at a complete loss for words and I felt generally disgusted at the sight of him. That feeling in itself was something I've never felt before and I never though I would regarding him. He followed me inside the house and began to talk to me about how he was struggling with work and worried about finances as a reason to justify the drinking. At this point I was angry, very angry and I don't know why. Maybe subconsciously I had dealt with too much already and i couldnt listen to it anymore. I told him i didn't want to talk about it right then and we ate in silence. The next day we did discuss it and the only thing he could tell me was that this is how he handles things in life and if I didn't like it then to leave. I love this man and I dont want our relationship to be destroyed over this but I'm at my wits end. At times I feel like it's me and maybe I'm not being considerate enough to his feelings but then when I try and talk to him about his feeling he always deflects and we never talk about it. I have no idea what to do anymore and if anyone could give me any advice or a change of perspective I would greatly appreciate it.
Neyce, you must have been so disappointed to find that after all he'd done to address his drinking, it was where he unapologetically turned when things got tough. Of course, it appears that he never really gave it up completely. Relapses might be understandable, but they are not a part of recovery. They are a part of addiction.
It's more than just giving up the drink, it's finding healthier coping mechanisms for the inevitable worries and sufferings of life.
Even more disappointing, it sounds like he's decided that drinking as a coping mechanism is enough, even though it puts growing distance between the two of you.
He knows how you feel about it. I wish I could share some magic words that would get him to stop and take recovery seriously, but that incentive can only come from within himself. Understanding that this is who he is, and who he chooses to continue to be, the only thing for you to do is decide if this is how you want to live. You should know that alcoholism is progressive--left untreated, things will deteriorate--so this could be as good as it ever gets with him.
And just so you know, it isn't you. You may have your own stuff to work on, but you're not being inconsiderate or insensitive over this. Alcoholism and healthy relationships don't go together. It's normal and natural for you to want a present, attentive, and healthy relationship partner, and the reality is that there isn't anything you can do to make him be one.
It's more than just giving up the drink, it's finding healthier coping mechanisms for the inevitable worries and sufferings of life.
Even more disappointing, it sounds like he's decided that drinking as a coping mechanism is enough, even though it puts growing distance between the two of you.
He knows how you feel about it. I wish I could share some magic words that would get him to stop and take recovery seriously, but that incentive can only come from within himself. Understanding that this is who he is, and who he chooses to continue to be, the only thing for you to do is decide if this is how you want to live. You should know that alcoholism is progressive--left untreated, things will deteriorate--so this could be as good as it ever gets with him.
And just so you know, it isn't you. You may have your own stuff to work on, but you're not being inconsiderate or insensitive over this. Alcoholism and healthy relationships don't go together. It's normal and natural for you to want a present, attentive, and healthy relationship partner, and the reality is that there isn't anything you can do to make him be one.
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Thank you for the advice. I've often though that maybe this is the best it will be with him but that thought alone is sad in its self. I want to be able to communicate with him and overcome this problem together but I am also very aware that there is only so much I can do. I don't feel like I'm at the point of just giving up on him(even though it's incredibly stressful) but I know if he becomes the way he used to be then it will eventually destroy our relationship.
Neyce…..I am giving you the following link to our extensive library of excellent articles on the effects of alcoholism on the loved ones. There are over 100 of them....enough for you to read and digest one every single day...lol...
(they are contained in the stickies, at thr top of the threads)……
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
(they are contained in the stickies, at thr top of the threads)……
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
So, so sorry for what brings you here. Thing is, he has told you he has no intention of changing. Alcoholism is progressive, so this is likely to get much worse over time. No one will tell you what to do here, but I hope you will act with wisdom for your own best interests for future security and serenity.
When someone shows and tells us what they're like, we really should listen up.
BB
When someone shows and tells us what they're like, we really should listen up.
BB
Neyce…..the 3 Cs...……
You didn't Cause it; You can't Control it; and, you can't Control it...…
Your love, alone, will not be enough....
Sometimes, we love those who aren't good for us. We don't always get to keep everyone that we love in our lives....
In those situations, we have to love from a distance.....because, up close, they hurt us too much.....
You didn't Cause it; You can't Control it; and, you can't Control it...…
Your love, alone, will not be enough....
Sometimes, we love those who aren't good for us. We don't always get to keep everyone that we love in our lives....
In those situations, we have to love from a distance.....because, up close, they hurt us too much.....
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The biggest delimma I have is that when he's sober as opposed to not he's a completely different person. When he's sober he's amazing, he's absolutely perfect for me but when he drinks he's the exact opposite. I feel like im being used to an extent but also allowing it to happen because of the hope I have that he will change. Before him I had never met anyone with any sort of addiction so most of these feeling are new to me. Like I had stated we've been together for 2 years but the majority of that was just abuse mentally/emotionally. I stayed because I do feel a deep connection with him(when sober) and obviously I love him. I didn't know what I was getting myself into then but now I have a wonderful relationship with his 2 kids and his immediate family. Ive always been the type of person that puts the needs of others before my own and I've gotten burned plenty of time for it(no doubt in this situation as well) but that's just who I am and have always been. Perhaps I need to change as well and develop some boundaries that I hold valuable.
Neyce…..please start reading those articles that I gave you the link to.....
I, also, recommend that you read the book "Co-dependent No More"....it is highly recommended around here...and has become a sort of classic...it is an easy read and I think you will derive a lot from it....
There is sooo much to know....
Knowledge is power...…
He is behaving like an alcoholic...because he is an alcoholic....and, he is controlled by the drink.....
The thing about alcoholism is that it is progressive...meaning that it will get worse over time....unless the alcoholic decides to reach for permanent sobriety, and...be willing to work a program and do the hard work that is required....The bad times will become more frequent, and last longer...and the alcoholism will totally take over the mental, physical, and, spiritual aspects of the alcoholic's life....and, worse of all...all those who surround the alcoholic will get hurt..
I, also, recommend that you read the book "Co-dependent No More"....it is highly recommended around here...and has become a sort of classic...it is an easy read and I think you will derive a lot from it....
There is sooo much to know....
Knowledge is power...…
He is behaving like an alcoholic...because he is an alcoholic....and, he is controlled by the drink.....
The thing about alcoholism is that it is progressive...meaning that it will get worse over time....unless the alcoholic decides to reach for permanent sobriety, and...be willing to work a program and do the hard work that is required....The bad times will become more frequent, and last longer...and the alcoholism will totally take over the mental, physical, and, spiritual aspects of the alcoholic's life....and, worse of all...all those who surround the alcoholic will get hurt..
He attended the recovery program and didn't drink for almost the entire time(best time of our relationship together) he had gained new coping skills, a sense of pride in himself again, and started to repair the relationships in his life(with his kids, me parents,and friends) overall he was happy. He had a few relapses along the way(which is understandable) but overall he was doing great
he never fully quit then, did he? sober for almost the entire time....a FEW relapses..........then a return to full on drinking. he isn't ready or willing to give up the booze completely.
i think that might be a good place to start. to look at his relationship with alcohol objectively. it is very important to him, to the point he's willing to lost other relationships with real people. addiction is like that. cold and soulless.
it's not your fault. not at all. not unless you strap him to a chair, force a funnel down his throat and pour in the booze. in short, you aren't the one drinking, HE IS. this is his battle.
he did detox and rehab (IOP??) once, he MAY at some point want to try that again. maybe.........some day. it could and likely will get real ugly first. if you choose to stick around, it will get awful for you. how bad? nobody knows.
he never fully quit then, did he? sober for almost the entire time....a FEW relapses..........then a return to full on drinking. he isn't ready or willing to give up the booze completely.
i think that might be a good place to start. to look at his relationship with alcohol objectively. it is very important to him, to the point he's willing to lost other relationships with real people. addiction is like that. cold and soulless.
it's not your fault. not at all. not unless you strap him to a chair, force a funnel down his throat and pour in the booze. in short, you aren't the one drinking, HE IS. this is his battle.
he did detox and rehab (IOP??) once, he MAY at some point want to try that again. maybe.........some day. it could and likely will get real ugly first. if you choose to stick around, it will get awful for you. how bad? nobody knows.
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Like I said before this is new to me. I don't know if my expectations of him to FULLY quit drinking is realistic for him or if taking it slow is the better path. I'd love it if he just quit cold turkey and that was the end of it. But I have no REALISTIC expectations to compare this to giving the fact I've never experienced this before. After the garage situation he continues to drink on a semi regular basis. It's never a fifth anymore but just pints and occasional half pints. I'm still not comfortable with it because I know how fast it can turn back into what it was. However when I express this to him he tells me "it's ok, I'm in control of it now" I've tried to explain to him that given his history and track record I think he's under the illusion he's in control. Of course He's really not because he is an alcoholic, bottom line. So should I just expect him to quit and never touch it again? Will that be the deciding factor of his seriousness to a full recovery?
Expectations. I've learnt to be wary of those.
I would suggest that you accept (even if he can't) that he is an alcoholic, and this means that he cannot drink like a normal person. Attempts to moderate will never gave any long term success. And moderated drinking will not give him what he wants anyway, ('a couple' isnt what any alcoholoc wants, even if they kid themselves that this is the case)so that kind of drinking is likely to be topped up on secretly, or to make him very cranky.
If he were to choose sobriety and recovery, then in the long term this might save your relationship.
Thing is, many alcoholics do chose booze over loved ones. Of course,we lie to ourselves and say those people deserted us, that they were too rigid and didn't understand what it's like for us. We forget that actually, that person has their own life, their own feelings, and that relationships need to be a two way thing. Many alcoholics have said theyre getting sober, just to get people off their backs, with every intention of continuing to drink, often secretly. Trying to get rid of the consequences of booze, without getting rid of the booze itself. Sometimes this works for a while, but people tend to know really, and alcohol just becomes the elephant in the room that no-one talks about. What's the point of trying to talk when it will just be met with defensiveness and possibly anger and rage, and days of sulking. This can go on for years. We hear about it a lot on this forum, here in Newcomers and more so in Friends and Family. And of course, once there are financial and legal entanglements, or children (maybe people think / hope that children being in the balance will sway their alcoholic to want recovery) it becomes even harder to make the decision to walk away.
I'd suggest that you forget about expectations. Instead focus on your own boundaries. And what you will do if they are crossed. You cannot make him want to get better. You cannot force him to get better. But you can look after yourself and your future if you out some healthy boundaries in place and stick to them.
BB
I would suggest that you accept (even if he can't) that he is an alcoholic, and this means that he cannot drink like a normal person. Attempts to moderate will never gave any long term success. And moderated drinking will not give him what he wants anyway, ('a couple' isnt what any alcoholoc wants, even if they kid themselves that this is the case)so that kind of drinking is likely to be topped up on secretly, or to make him very cranky.
If he were to choose sobriety and recovery, then in the long term this might save your relationship.
Thing is, many alcoholics do chose booze over loved ones. Of course,we lie to ourselves and say those people deserted us, that they were too rigid and didn't understand what it's like for us. We forget that actually, that person has their own life, their own feelings, and that relationships need to be a two way thing. Many alcoholics have said theyre getting sober, just to get people off their backs, with every intention of continuing to drink, often secretly. Trying to get rid of the consequences of booze, without getting rid of the booze itself. Sometimes this works for a while, but people tend to know really, and alcohol just becomes the elephant in the room that no-one talks about. What's the point of trying to talk when it will just be met with defensiveness and possibly anger and rage, and days of sulking. This can go on for years. We hear about it a lot on this forum, here in Newcomers and more so in Friends and Family. And of course, once there are financial and legal entanglements, or children (maybe people think / hope that children being in the balance will sway their alcoholic to want recovery) it becomes even harder to make the decision to walk away.
I'd suggest that you forget about expectations. Instead focus on your own boundaries. And what you will do if they are crossed. You cannot make him want to get better. You cannot force him to get better. But you can look after yourself and your future if you out some healthy boundaries in place and stick to them.
BB
The biggest dilemma I have is that when he's sober as opposed to not he's a completely different person. When he's sober he's amazing, he's absolutely perfect for me but when he drinks he's the exact opposite.
But he's NOT 2 different people. The drunk him and the sober him are one and the same. You cannot have one without the other, until and unless he gets sober, and that means not only NOT drinking AT ALL, EVER AGAIN, but engaging with some sort of recovery plan to address the mental and emotional issues he will encounter when he's no longer using alcohol to blank out his life.
The fact that you seem to think he will be able to do "controlled drinking" indicates to me that you don't know much about alcoholism. That's OK, most of us didn't when we first came here. Do yourself a big favor and read the articles that dandy suggested to you. Do yourself another favor and find some local Alanon meetings (Alanon is for family and friends, AA is for the alcoholic). Dandy likes to say "knowledge is power" and she is so right.
It may seem to you like your situation is unique and your A is a special snowflake, but I think if you take the time to read around the forum, get to Alanon, and check out the articles, you'll see just how much you have in common w/other spouses/girlfriends of A's and just how much your BF has in common with other A's. There's a lot of wisdom and support here, once a person decides to make use of it.
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Join Date: Jul 2018
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If I had a penny for every story I've read here where some variation of this statement is made, I'd be comfortably retired...If our A's acted like they do when they're drinking all the time, we'd never have gotten involved w/them to begin with, right? If they weren't "amazing" and "absolutely perfect" at least SOME of the time, we'd never stay with them in the first place.
It sounds like you have no children with this man and you have only been with him a couple of years - I don't mean to downgrade the relationship by saying that as I know that that is easily long enough to be in love with someone and unable to imagine being without them, but if you can, I would take advantage of the fact that you are not entwined too deeply with him yet and get out while you can. Easier said than done, I know.
At times I feel like it's me and maybe I'm not being considerate enough to his feelings but then when I try and talk to him about his feeling he always deflects and we never talk about it. I have no idea what to do anymore and if anyone could give me any advice or a change of perspective I would greatly appreciate it.
He is telling you he is going to drink and if you don't like it then leave. How many times will he have to ask you to leave before you do?
I am really sorry if this sounds harsh, I know it does, I wish it didn't. The person you love said this is you - take it or leave. Leave - let that sink in, yes he actually said that.
He's told you how it's going to be.
You can continue this dance with him or not, your choice but looking at it realistically is very important or you could cruise along for years hoping he will become something he is not.
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I wish I knew what you know about alcohol after 2 years together. I wasted 34 years of my life thinking I could handle anything with my axh. WRONG!! They always win and you lose. If it was me, I would run and run fast and not look back. Life with an addict/alcoholic is lonely and painful. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
Sending hugs that you take care of you, and give him to God to watch over. Its a bigger job then you can handle.
Sending hugs that you take care of you, and give him to God to watch over. Its a bigger job then you can handle.
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