Therapy and court help please
 

So today I had an interesting therapy session. The therapist that has been working with myself and my kids for 15 years basically said I need to put together what I want out of the divorce, let them mediate and if I dont get it to absolutely go to court. The therapist said 1) we have an incredibly strong case "slam dunk" 2) its important for you to claim your power 3) its important for the kids 21 & 18, to see that there are consequences for behaviors. It really took me off guard, she said it was actually better for my kids to see me strongly advocating for myself and for them as well. AH won't want all the evidence to become public, it will make him look very, very bad even criminal in one instance. Does anyone have experience with this type of court experience and young adults?

Ugh. I have no experience in this area Dawn so I will just send you all the internet support possible.

Courage to you lady!

AH won't want all the evidence to become public, it will make him look very, very bad even criminal in one instance.

no he IS a criminal and has done very bad things. his actions dictate this. we don't "protect" criminals for fear of their reputation.

No experience but am getting ready to ride the same train! Thoughts and prayers of power and peace to you! ❤️

My therapist said recently that I need to stop protecting my 18 year old child from their father's bad behaviors. That she is an adult and that she will need to realize who he is (she does) and be able to process that. That if I protect her from seeing that, she won't have the capabilities to deal with it later, but will learn those now while she is in therapy.

I was a little taken aback, but can see the wisdom there.

I absolutely agree with hopeful4's therapist on this.

Growing up my Mother did protect us somewhat from the drama - as much as she could.

As teenagers not so much (you can't get a teen to go to bed at 8:00). Luckily my Father worked away a lot so there were a lot of "normal" times in our house.

The result of this, for all of us I believe, is that we completely understood the lay of the land. We understood that the alcoholic was causing the drama and the damage. Therefore I think it helped us to A. See things from my Mom's point of view and B. Understand that the alcoholic doesn't need special care (as in realized this second part later on, during the growing up phase it's very much a matter of smoothing things over and trying to lessen the anger and drama).

If we hadn't seen that perhaps, as adults, we would have continued to walk on eggshells, trying to smooth things over with him. Even with all that we did to some degree, however our coping mechanisms were different.

All that said, this still had an effect. I believe that no one goes through that with no result on their defenses, coping mechanisms, functioning in relationships etc. This is not a "boo-hoo poor me" statement, I have never felt like a "victim".

There is no need to cover for him.

DR,
My whole life with axh I was trying to clean up messes before, during and after he was creating them. Once I got the divorce, I felt sorry for my kids having to deal with them. they are adults now and see how lost he is. They don't give him the time of day. (His family blames me for Poisoning their minds against him). Our work load gets lighter when we don't have to run around putting out fires. Let it happen and see where it falls. I am sorry, hugs!!

Well thanks you guys I can see the wisdom in letting him face the consequences of his actions. Right now he is guilting my 21 yr old asperger son into living with him. That will hold my son back emotionally and from my sons mouth came “I can’t leave someone who is sick” . The whole thing makes me sick, AH is using my son as company so he doesn’t have to be alone, he lies constantly to him, and it’s setting my son up to not live successfully on his own. When AH dies of this disease my son won’t have any skills to make it and I will not let him freeride with me because eventually I will be dead as well. Just so everyone understands my son is super high functioning and has successfully lived alone before,but he had a one bad semester in college and is now transferring to a school near home.

DR,
IMO -You are projecting the future. Take one day at a time.

Let your son go with him if he chooses. He will be back. Dad will disappoint him and Mom will be there to help . Somethings are out of our control. We need to step out of the way and let them happen as they are supposed too. Just be there to pick up the pieces.

dawnrising...I get the complexity of your situation. Maybe, him not wanting the info to go public will actually work in your favor...….
My children's biologic father was/is a complete jerk....strong boundaries and as little contact as possible, is what got me through that period of time....

I have minimal experience with this but I have serious concerns about a therapist who inserts her will on patients. She should not be telling you what you must do. She should be guiding not imposing her opinions. But do I agree? Yes actually I do. But this is a decision you need to make for yourself.

Thanks for all the thoughts. Its funny I watched a similar situation play out with one of my sisters children who went to live with her dad. She had to experience first hand the reality of her father and that experience allowed my sister to have a very close relationship with her daughter. Had she fought it they may not be that close. I can't keep protecting them or anyone from the truth of who he has become. Its not my shame nor theirs, we have been living his shame for so long. To anyone who asks I will tell them my truth. No judgement and no guilt just the facts. Let the chips fall, they are not my chips anyway.