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Looking for advice on healing from the abuse

Old 07-19-2018, 04:30 PM
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TLC
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Looking for advice on healing from the abuse

Haven't posted for awhile, find myself in need of some wisdom from this group.
Recap: Was in relationship with a very abusive (mental/emotional) active alcoholic. I dare say, most likely dual diagnosis (fits well in border line personality disorder) though I am not an MD. Felt the typical emotional hook to save him from himself and hopefully us. His promises and words of love oscillated with degrading venom, designed to hit me where it hurt. Round and round, thought I could endure if he'd just wake up and get help.
Well, we know where this ended up... spirally down. He didn't hit bottom but I hit mine. Someone here with there wisdom said if I stayed, he'd take me under and I truly believe that. Thank you for that advise.
But it did take its toll. No contact the better part of this year.

The pain was so great it was visceral, all the dynamics of walking away from an angry A but also from enduring the abuse. I can not describe here, the ends he would go to, to harm me. And it was viscous!

As time passes, I am getting stronger and feeling better. Each week brings a sense (even if small) of added strength, healing and growth. I am grateful. I have a wonderful support group, seeing a therapist and attending Al Anon (albeit not as regular as I'd like). Overall I am doing well and would advise anyone in the throws of this, to take care of themselves (much like the airplane talk of putting the oxygen on yourself first).

Here's the deal. things are coming up that is bringing that pain back front and center. Not to the degree certainly, but enough.

Our class reunion
his father is dying and his family is contacting me
I was clearing my phone of old voicemails and heard his endless rants at me, and how "crazy, insult/insult/insult, awful I am" I shouldn't have listened to them..

He was very very abusive and still sometimes (not as much) I get tears to recall what I went through.

One day I hope to not worry if I'll run into him or what he may try to say or do towards me. I'm not there yet, but maybe one day.

I have started to feel my calm center returning, able to sleep without nightmares etc...

Time is a great healer, no doubt. And I am experiencing this.
Al Anon and therapy are a great support.
When it comes to abuse or trauma, is there anything else I can add to my healing process?

Thanks for listening,

TLC
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Old 07-19-2018, 04:49 PM
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Hi TLC,

I’m relating to your post. Was in court with mine this week for violating a restraining order. I do well, then I have days—like today—where I’m weepy and sad.

Something that has been helping me is to understand the neuroscience of abuse. Abuse is a cycle; they were charming at first (otherwise we never would have been with them) and there were some good times in there. Our brain is hardwired to want us to feel the good stuff, rather than the pain and despair, and so we recall it, which makes our hearts hurt and restarts that cycle. So even though we are away from the abuse, it still impacts us. Therapy helps, understanding that the hurt we are feeling is really just from our brain, seems to help me. I can tell myself that I don’t really miss him: I miss the promise of him, the plans that we made, the good times, the person that existed before he was an abusive A. When I saw mine in court I could see how he had deteriorated and it broke my heart. I agreed to a plea deal for him so he would get treatment. What I see today isn’t the man that I fell in love with, it’s a stranger. I don’t know this person and the one I did know is gone.

I hope that you are feeling better soon.
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Old 07-19-2018, 05:00 PM
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EMDR therapy!! I have ptsd from abuse. EMDR is amazing. It takes the pain out of your past traumas. Look into it and if you have any questions, just ask!
Hugs ❤
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Old 07-20-2018, 01:51 PM
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Thanks LeeLee, I agree with you. I haven't laid eyes on him for many months so don't know what I'll see. But I do know that the person I loved isn't there. Don't know if he ever was there, perhaps my belief in what he presented. Maybe there was some truth,maybe he did love me. But he is gone, onto the next party and the next one to buy in. I don't miss him at all. He came with too much abuse. I wish you well and the strength you need. Thanks

Thanks Pinkyxo, I"ll look into EMDR. I have heard of it, but that's about it. Thanks for the suggestion. I recognize that I was abused and I want to heal in the healthiest manner I can. I don't want to be jaded or afraid to trust again. What ever I can add to my healing process is welcome. Believe it or not, I have started doing yoga and love that time. Doing things for myself has been really important in this process.
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Old 07-20-2018, 04:09 PM
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TLC,
I am almost 4 years post divorce. It still is hard to see axh. My DD26 got married and we were together for the weekend. You want to see the good in him, but the ugly side always emerges. I once again had to tell him to have a "good life" and blocked him on my phone. I truly believe they are out of their minds and are not sane.

Take as long as you can of no contact and build up your strength. You are doing amazing. Just keep moving forward.
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Old 07-20-2018, 05:21 PM
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Our class reunion
his father is dying and his family is contacting me


you do not have to attend YOUR class reunion. your life will be just fine if you skip it. then you don't even risk having to see him.

while it is very sad that HIS father is dying, this is not something you need to be involved in. send a card. then cease having contact with his family.

your healing requires that you take drastic measures to create a safe and sane environment for yourself. he was and is an abuser. so he needs to go. banished. and everything and everyone associated with him.

boundaries give us the space we need around us to heal and grow. we must be diligent and vigilant.
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Old 07-22-2018, 12:32 PM
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[QUOTE=AnvilheadII;

your healing requires that you take drastic measures to create a safe and sane environment for yourself. he was and is an abuser. so he needs to go. banished. and everything and everyone associated with him.

boundaries give us the space we need around us to heal and grow. we must be diligent and vigilant.[/QUOTE]

Thanks Anvllheadll, !!!!!

Your words are true.

When his family contacted me and the nightmares came back. I felt the inner pull of that old hook trying to get back in. Which helped me realize 1) how far I've come and 2) how far I have to go. Having that visceral response, served as a good reminder that I have to keep protecting myself.

Its strange how sometimes distance and some peace, gets us to (in part) forget (even momentarily)

For me. Its so important to remember the 'whole package" which included terrible abuse. Yes! your words ring very true. And the feeling of being safe has been slow to return and I need to keep caring for myself unconditionally.

I would like to think that I'm strong enough to face certain things etc.. But the truth is that while I am feeling so, so much better, I still have gone through a horrible trauma that I am trying so hard to heal. The gift of space, peace, safety and self love is mine to give to myself.

(take drastic measures to create a safe and sane environment for yourself.)

Thanks for the reminder and encouragement.

Last edited by TLC; 07-22-2018 at 12:36 PM. Reason: sp
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Old 07-22-2018, 01:29 PM
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you do not have to attend YOUR class reunion. your life will be just fine if you skip it. then you don't even risk having to see him. while it is very sad that HIS father is dying, this is not something you need to be involved in. send a card. then cease having contact with his family.
Excellent advice. Avoid people, places and things that can cause a relapse. You go, girl!!
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Old 07-22-2018, 02:13 PM
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I relate to your situation

I just wanted to let you know, I relate to your situation and first I want to offer a hug. Second, I want to tell you - youíll get there bc Iím starting to slowly find my way through it with him STILL in my life. Iím emotionally detaching from him somehow. Is all I can think. The issue with me is, Iím still with him. Iím still trying to find the courage to leave, as I worry leaving will put me into a depression which I donít want to face.

Ok so... it sounds like you went through what I go through. He hits where he knows it will hurt and thatís his tactic. Using my past, present and future to hurt me, over and over. Iím sure I donít have to explain how hurtful and damaging that is. I too have PTSD from my past, and I was getting through it and not long ago it reappeared and I know itís due to him using what happened to me, as his weapon. Thatís when I started detaching from him.

I have been going to counseling and itís helping. My counselor recommended the EMDR I heard mentioned here and now Iím interested again in maybe trying that. Their are good books. I love books. I love to read, so any tips on books that have helped you, Iíd be interested!

Youíre strong and youíre getting there. Youíre ahead of me in that youíve left. Iím going to be there myself soon. I wish you the best and I am following this with you as your story matches my own.
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Old 07-22-2018, 08:37 PM
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Lost43,
I am so sorry you are going through this. Sending you lots of love and support. Your message just took my breath away. to hear you talk quickly brings back that life.

I totally understand your need to detach. I started to detach a couple years ago. Kicking him out of the house, then “trying” it again and again. But I never let him back in, mainly because he kept using and abusing both alcohol and me). He tried every tactic imaginable to get back in and as I held my line the abuse escalated until finally I couldn’t take it anymore. Strange that even in detaching, the pain still hurts. I wonder in detaching, are we shutting down the care for them, or are we so wounded that its not such a shock anymore. Are we just use to it? Regardless, its a terrible place to be!

He knew his tactics weren’t working on me and couldn’t bare the responsibility of ending it, so he went for inflicting maximum damage to me, his cruelty knew no bounds. I ended it.

I use to wonder about people that would severe ties and never speak to someone again and I never understood how they could do that. Then as I was detaching, I wondered how much worse would it have to get to take that step. I already hurt some much, that adding on more seemed unimaginable.

Someone on this site, early on, told me that if I stayed, he would take me under with him. I truly believe that.

The pain of letting go is big. You can do it though, you have already gone through so much. You know what, its been 6 months and not one person has called me a name, been cruel to me on any level or yelled at me…… not one! As the healing journey takes time, but its so much better out here. I’ll keep the light burning for you, thinking of you. Don’t let him take you under. You deserve so much more.
TLC

Last edited by TLC; 07-22-2018 at 08:44 PM. Reason: sp
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