I still love him and I’m so confused
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1
I still love him and I’m so confused
Hi I’m new to this but I figured I need some advise and clarity from people who understand my situation.
I dated an alcoholic for 2 years. His dad and brother are alcoholics and he still lives at home. I didn’t know he was an alcoholic until about a year into the relationship. It was long distance but he was so romantic and loving to me. He would drive down to see me every couple weeks, he was a great listener, we would go on adventures together, etc. everything I wanted in a man. But he started making excuses to leave early (which I now know was him needing to go back home to drink). He played video games a lot. He had started college, and I know that was mostly for my benefit. About a year into the relationship, he started saying he didn’t feel the same about me as he used to. He broke up with me several times saying he didn’t know if he loved me anymore or he wanted to see what was out there, but he would always come back in tears and tell me he did love me and he gave up the best thing in his life. Everytime he broke up with me was when something bad was happening in his life (his mom left his dad, he wrecked his car, struggling in school, etc.). It was always when he had been drinking too. He tried to quit a few times with me and there were so many nights where I would be on my hands and knees pleading with him to get some sort of help or at least see someone about his depression. He was in the National Guard and even they told him he needed to get treatment. So anyway, the week before he broke up with me this last time, he told me about this girl in his class. He’s 24 and the girl was 17 and still in high school but she was taking some college courses. So he was texting her a lot while he was with me. I asked him not to and he made it seem like I was trying to be controlling and tell him who he could and could not be friends with. She would go to his house to help him study and hang out with him and stuff. Anyway he broke up with me again and I asked if it was because he was interested in her and he said “well I’m interested but I’ve been thinking about this for a long time with you”. So he left for 9 months. I saw a counselor and she said it wasn’t about the girl he was just trying to manipulate me and find an excuse to leave. Well 9 months later he tried to come back out of the blue. Said he’d gone to treatment and I was right and I was the only person he’d ever loved. He said he was the happiest when he was with me. I told him he needed to show me he could stay sober for a long time and then we could possibly talk about getting back together. I told him i wanted my next relationship to stick. He said it was understandable and was just glad I was talking to him again. He would text me every few days after that. Then 1 month later, I saw on Facebook he was dating that girl from before. I texted him and said “really??” And all he said was “yeah”. So I got rid of him on everything. But I am still so heartbroken. Why would he try to come back after that long only to go out with the the one person he knows I hate him talking to. Everyone tells me he’s is using her to manipulate me still and he’s mad that I tried to make him stay in treatment so he went out with her to make me jealous. But I don’t know what to believe and I’m so confused by it all. I’ve been through some rough times before but idk if I’ll ever get better from this one. This heartbreak is worse than any other guy I’ve ever been with. I’ve tried to move on, even started seeing a new guy. But none of it helps. I felt like we were soulmates. I’m just not sure what to think or do from here.
I dated an alcoholic for 2 years. His dad and brother are alcoholics and he still lives at home. I didn’t know he was an alcoholic until about a year into the relationship. It was long distance but he was so romantic and loving to me. He would drive down to see me every couple weeks, he was a great listener, we would go on adventures together, etc. everything I wanted in a man. But he started making excuses to leave early (which I now know was him needing to go back home to drink). He played video games a lot. He had started college, and I know that was mostly for my benefit. About a year into the relationship, he started saying he didn’t feel the same about me as he used to. He broke up with me several times saying he didn’t know if he loved me anymore or he wanted to see what was out there, but he would always come back in tears and tell me he did love me and he gave up the best thing in his life. Everytime he broke up with me was when something bad was happening in his life (his mom left his dad, he wrecked his car, struggling in school, etc.). It was always when he had been drinking too. He tried to quit a few times with me and there were so many nights where I would be on my hands and knees pleading with him to get some sort of help or at least see someone about his depression. He was in the National Guard and even they told him he needed to get treatment. So anyway, the week before he broke up with me this last time, he told me about this girl in his class. He’s 24 and the girl was 17 and still in high school but she was taking some college courses. So he was texting her a lot while he was with me. I asked him not to and he made it seem like I was trying to be controlling and tell him who he could and could not be friends with. She would go to his house to help him study and hang out with him and stuff. Anyway he broke up with me again and I asked if it was because he was interested in her and he said “well I’m interested but I’ve been thinking about this for a long time with you”. So he left for 9 months. I saw a counselor and she said it wasn’t about the girl he was just trying to manipulate me and find an excuse to leave. Well 9 months later he tried to come back out of the blue. Said he’d gone to treatment and I was right and I was the only person he’d ever loved. He said he was the happiest when he was with me. I told him he needed to show me he could stay sober for a long time and then we could possibly talk about getting back together. I told him i wanted my next relationship to stick. He said it was understandable and was just glad I was talking to him again. He would text me every few days after that. Then 1 month later, I saw on Facebook he was dating that girl from before. I texted him and said “really??” And all he said was “yeah”. So I got rid of him on everything. But I am still so heartbroken. Why would he try to come back after that long only to go out with the the one person he knows I hate him talking to. Everyone tells me he’s is using her to manipulate me still and he’s mad that I tried to make him stay in treatment so he went out with her to make me jealous. But I don’t know what to believe and I’m so confused by it all. I’ve been through some rough times before but idk if I’ll ever get better from this one. This heartbreak is worse than any other guy I’ve ever been with. I’ve tried to move on, even started seeing a new guy. But none of it helps. I felt like we were soulmates. I’m just not sure what to think or do from here.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Heartbroken......You are grieving the loss of a relationship that you invested a lot of your self and your dreams into. We always grieve anything that we lose that we invest in. grieving is incredibly painful...as you are finding out. It takes a while to get through it....it doesn't happen overnight...It will take several weeks to months....
It always...always...feels like we will never love again....but, that is a feeling that passes when we find another relationship and fall for someone else.....
Most people do that several times in their life....
He was not the one for you....if he was, he wouldn't be gone and he wouldn't have done the things that he did....He sounds very immature, very self-centered, very confused within himself, dishonest, unstable, irresponsible.....and, a player.....
He was not good enough for you...Anybody who is stringing along more than one female and lying about it, is not good enough relationship material for you....
Sure you had some good times together....this is normal for the beginning of a relationship....A person wouldn't want to date anyone, at all, if it wasn't lots of fun and adventure....especially when one is as young as you are....
It takes a long time to really get to know a person....and, you got to know enough about him to know that this is not what you would want in your life.....
After you have finished grieving....you will find that there are a lot of guys that will treat you the way you want to be treated.....
You need to learn about alcoholism and addiction...so that you can recognize it when you meet up with it....
I am giving you the following link to our extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....enough to read one every single day...There is sooo much to know....
Knowledge is power.....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
It always...always...feels like we will never love again....but, that is a feeling that passes when we find another relationship and fall for someone else.....
Most people do that several times in their life....
He was not the one for you....if he was, he wouldn't be gone and he wouldn't have done the things that he did....He sounds very immature, very self-centered, very confused within himself, dishonest, unstable, irresponsible.....and, a player.....
He was not good enough for you...Anybody who is stringing along more than one female and lying about it, is not good enough relationship material for you....
Sure you had some good times together....this is normal for the beginning of a relationship....A person wouldn't want to date anyone, at all, if it wasn't lots of fun and adventure....especially when one is as young as you are....
It takes a long time to really get to know a person....and, you got to know enough about him to know that this is not what you would want in your life.....
After you have finished grieving....you will find that there are a lot of guys that will treat you the way you want to be treated.....
You need to learn about alcoholism and addiction...so that you can recognize it when you meet up with it....
I am giving you the following link to our extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....enough to read one every single day...There is sooo much to know....
Knowledge is power.....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello heartbroken,
I'm so sorry to read about what you've been going through with this man. I hope you know that you deserve much better treatment!
Players...*sigh*. IME, I can sort of be friends with them, but relationship? no...
Somewhere, there is a man who will love you and treat you with the respect you deserve!
Please take good care!
I'm so sorry to read about what you've been going through with this man. I hope you know that you deserve much better treatment!
Players...*sigh*. IME, I can sort of be friends with them, but relationship? no...
Somewhere, there is a man who will love you and treat you with the respect you deserve!
Please take good care!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I am sorry you are in so much pain from this dramatic chaotic relationship with an alcoholic. It takes time to grieve and heal from a relationship ending and we can’t do that if we keep jumping back into it. Getting back together with the person who caused you the most amount of pain is never the answer – ever!
It sounds to me like he played both of you girls, trying to see where at that moment he could fall. Probably when he came back to you was when he was on the outs with her and then the opposite. Alcoholics are liars and manipulators, their words never match their actions. When he told you he loved you and wanted to come back his actions didn’t match those words, did it, because he was already involved with someone else.
It’s good, yet hard and hurtful to see the reality and not the fantasy we wanted and hoped for, and get angry about it. Anger can be a great motivator for change.
No new contact = no new hurts!
It sounds to me like he played both of you girls, trying to see where at that moment he could fall. Probably when he came back to you was when he was on the outs with her and then the opposite. Alcoholics are liars and manipulators, their words never match their actions. When he told you he loved you and wanted to come back his actions didn’t match those words, did it, because he was already involved with someone else.
It’s good, yet hard and hurtful to see the reality and not the fantasy we wanted and hoped for, and get angry about it. Anger can be a great motivator for change.
No new contact = no new hurts!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
