mom guilt
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mom guilt
Hi everyone! I hope you all are enjoying your summer
Just wanted to check in and hopefully get some ESH from some of the wisest people I know
On July 5th AH was arrested after he called 911 to report that I was at a music festival and had left our children unattended. Which was not at all true. I was home, kids were home, we had been home all night, but he was mad because I wasn’t answering his calls and texts. I had answered him once, and knew he was drunk (which he pretty much has been constantly for the last few months
) so I told him not to come over, not to call… But he kept on.
At about 11 pm, Officers knocked at my door, told me why they were there. I offered for them to come in, they said no. They told me they were going to call AH to tell him everything was fine, but apparently decided to go to his place, and he was arrested for violating his probation.
He was also arrested on June 4th when I called for assistance in getting him out of my home after he came in through the dog door, vomited on me and my child, passed out and then continued to drink the next day (I let him sleep there for the night) and wouldn’t leave.
A stay away order was granted by the Court last week at the DA office request. I didn’t ask for it and didn’t even know about it. Would never have known except that AH broke it and called me to tell me about it as soon as he was out of jail. It has provided me with some security, I suppose… so I guess I’m glad about it. I just am not sure what happens from here… I suppose there are people I can contact about it.
We have children together, so at some point it will have to be modified so he can see them. I am not willing to initiate that at this point, but it just feels strange right now. I should be glad to be off the roller coaster… and I am, but I guess I was just used to the ride!
I worry all the time about my kids (5 and 6) and how this is all effecting them. I try to talk to them as much as I can, but sometimes I think I say too much and confuse them more… I feel so much guilt for allowing all of this to go on for so long, and just feel so lost sometimes when it comes to them and doing / saying the right things for them.
I have been seeing a therapist weekly for six weeks now and I am thankful for her.
I’ve met a man I’ve been texting with and have seen a few times. The boys and I casually “bumped into him” at the river last weekend and they met him then… This is another thing that is causing me confusion and guilt… To keep a long story short, basically I just don’t know if / how I should continue with this man. And what I should say exactly to the kids about it. I told them he was my friend… They had fun with him.
I told him in the beginning I was not really ready / able to spend a lot of time with him right now and want to focus on my kids and myself… He said he understood, and can be patient, but keeps asking for more time with me, and the kids, more than I am ready for. I have had lots of opportunities to practice my “no” Which has been good for me, I think….
Worried about what AH will say / do and how he will put the kids in the middle of it when he finds out and sees the kids again. But I also don’t want to feel like I am continuing to make my decisions based on being scared of AH… Just worried about the kids, and don’t know how to handle this. Feeling like I should just end it. But I don’t really want to right now….
Thanks everybody!
Just wanted to check in and hopefully get some ESH from some of the wisest people I know
On July 5th AH was arrested after he called 911 to report that I was at a music festival and had left our children unattended. Which was not at all true. I was home, kids were home, we had been home all night, but he was mad because I wasn’t answering his calls and texts. I had answered him once, and knew he was drunk (which he pretty much has been constantly for the last few months
) so I told him not to come over, not to call… But he kept on. At about 11 pm, Officers knocked at my door, told me why they were there. I offered for them to come in, they said no. They told me they were going to call AH to tell him everything was fine, but apparently decided to go to his place, and he was arrested for violating his probation.
He was also arrested on June 4th when I called for assistance in getting him out of my home after he came in through the dog door, vomited on me and my child, passed out and then continued to drink the next day (I let him sleep there for the night) and wouldn’t leave.
A stay away order was granted by the Court last week at the DA office request. I didn’t ask for it and didn’t even know about it. Would never have known except that AH broke it and called me to tell me about it as soon as he was out of jail. It has provided me with some security, I suppose… so I guess I’m glad about it. I just am not sure what happens from here… I suppose there are people I can contact about it.
We have children together, so at some point it will have to be modified so he can see them. I am not willing to initiate that at this point, but it just feels strange right now. I should be glad to be off the roller coaster… and I am, but I guess I was just used to the ride!
I worry all the time about my kids (5 and 6) and how this is all effecting them. I try to talk to them as much as I can, but sometimes I think I say too much and confuse them more… I feel so much guilt for allowing all of this to go on for so long, and just feel so lost sometimes when it comes to them and doing / saying the right things for them.
I have been seeing a therapist weekly for six weeks now and I am thankful for her.
I’ve met a man I’ve been texting with and have seen a few times. The boys and I casually “bumped into him” at the river last weekend and they met him then… This is another thing that is causing me confusion and guilt… To keep a long story short, basically I just don’t know if / how I should continue with this man. And what I should say exactly to the kids about it. I told them he was my friend… They had fun with him.
I told him in the beginning I was not really ready / able to spend a lot of time with him right now and want to focus on my kids and myself… He said he understood, and can be patient, but keeps asking for more time with me, and the kids, more than I am ready for. I have had lots of opportunities to practice my “no” Which has been good for me, I think….
Worried about what AH will say / do and how he will put the kids in the middle of it when he finds out and sees the kids again. But I also don’t want to feel like I am continuing to make my decisions based on being scared of AH… Just worried about the kids, and don’t know how to handle this. Feeling like I should just end it. But I don’t really want to right now….
Thanks everybody!
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He said he understood, and can be patient, but keeps kind of trying to push it , and asks to spend more time with me than I am ready for.
red flag there,eh?
whats youre gut say?
dont ya have enough on your plate?
whats your therapist have to say about it?
one more thing on what i highlighted above:
and can be patient
patient for what? did ya say you were gonna make him dinner??
that statement has a wee bit of a creep factor to me- especially from someone youve only texted and met a few times.
red flag there,eh?
whats youre gut say?
dont ya have enough on your plate?
whats your therapist have to say about it?
one more thing on what i highlighted above:
and can be patient
patient for what? did ya say you were gonna make him dinner??
that statement has a wee bit of a creep factor to me- especially from someone youve only texted and met a few times.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
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I'm with Tomsteve..that's a big redflag! You've stated YOUR interest/involvment level and new guy is already pushing it for more? Seems shady. He may mean well,BUT..weird. Does he know everything that's going on in your life and that you're still married(to a drunk)? I'd pump the brakes on a new guy/dating until this mess gets ironed out.
Edit: I'd also not discuss AH with children that age. Personally I'd just tell them "he's busy" if they are asking about him. That's too young to understand the gravity of any adult situation. Let them be kids.
Edit: I'd also not discuss AH with children that age. Personally I'd just tell them "he's busy" if they are asking about him. That's too young to understand the gravity of any adult situation. Let them be kids.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
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If you're not ready, you're not ready. You don't have to justify yourself to the new fellow in your life. I remember one of the first things I read after my own divorce, when I was so desperate to get into a new relationship was that we have to give ourselves time to heal. The importance of that can't be over stated. And this won't be the only opportunity you have to start a new relationship. There will be others. And yes, the loneliness and longing can be pretty intense early on, but pushing thru that and keeping the focus on yourself and your children will pay huge dividends when you finally are ready to start a new relationship. 
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Thank you for saying that tomsteve.
I've spent time with him only a few times, but have been texting with and talking to him for the last month.
He wants to move too quickly and that was apparent from the beginning, and my initial gut reaction was - red flag -
But..... I've talked to him about it, and he does seem to understand, and seems to get it when I tell him "no, not today"... hasn't acted offended. He has his own life, and friends, and also children, who he has partial custody of and that occupy his time.
He's made it clear though that he wants more of a relationship at some point if/when I'm ready.
I do have enough on my plate though... the casual texting and dating is fun for me right now and has been kind of a breath of fresh air for me, but I don't think I'll be ready for a full-on relationship any time soon...
So probably his "patience" will probably run out at some point... but I'm okay with that
I've spent time with him only a few times, but have been texting with and talking to him for the last month.
He wants to move too quickly and that was apparent from the beginning, and my initial gut reaction was - red flag -
But..... I've talked to him about it, and he does seem to understand, and seems to get it when I tell him "no, not today"... hasn't acted offended. He has his own life, and friends, and also children, who he has partial custody of and that occupy his time.
He's made it clear though that he wants more of a relationship at some point if/when I'm ready.
I do have enough on my plate though... the casual texting and dating is fun for me right now and has been kind of a breath of fresh air for me, but I don't think I'll be ready for a full-on relationship any time soon...
So probably his "patience" will probably run out at some point... but I'm okay with that
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I strongly, strongly suggest seeing no one until you have a period of full separation from your husband. I know that you've been living separately but only just started to consider yourself "separated" since late spring, right? It's a weird grey area - separated but not alone. BTDT.
Time & time & time & time again & again & again & again this is the tried & true way for people - to truly grieve one situation before moving on to another & bringing allllll that baggage with them. You're not even close to initiating divorce yet, right?
And with kids involved - all the MORE reason to slow down & give it time. If it's meant to be, he'll be there when you're ready.
Time & time & time & time again & again & again & again this is the tried & true way for people - to truly grieve one situation before moving on to another & bringing allllll that baggage with them. You're not even close to initiating divorce yet, right?
And with kids involved - all the MORE reason to slow down & give it time. If it's meant to be, he'll be there when you're ready.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
A very long time ago I heard this, some peoples dating habits are similar to how monkeys move through the jungle. The monkey firmly grasps hold of one branch before letting go of another. I know too many woman who would only leave a bad marriage after they found what always turned out to be the next bad relationship in their history book.
You have unresolved issues that need your full attention right now. And as much as you “feel” a distraction is nice and welcoming it’s really just getting in the way of you truly resolving these issues so that you can actually move forward with your life.
Based on what you shared, THIS IS NOT THE NEXT GUY FOR YOU!!!
You have unresolved issues that need your full attention right now. And as much as you “feel” a distraction is nice and welcoming it’s really just getting in the way of you truly resolving these issues so that you can actually move forward with your life.
Based on what you shared, THIS IS NOT THE NEXT GUY FOR YOU!!!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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Posts: 11,589
the casual texting and dating is fun for me right now and has been kind of a breath of fresh air for me, but I don't think I'll be ready for a full-on relationship any time soon...
So probably his "patience" will probably run out at some point... but I'm okay with that
ok....first, if you need a distraction, don't use a human, download Candy Crush or Solitaire.
as you have stated there are CLEARLY RED FLAGS with this person already. yes you may have told him you aren't ready etc, but he is not listening. he is not respecting that. so continuing to play along and not firmly enforce your boundaries will not go well.
as it is, your head and life are still way too enmeshed with the AH. is he an EX yet? are you actually divorced?
A stay away order was granted by the Court last week at the DA office request. I didn’t ask for it and didn’t even know about it. Would never have known except that AH broke it and called me to tell me about it as soon as he was out of jail. It has provided me with some security, I suppose… so I guess I’m glad about it. I just am not sure what happens from here… I suppose there are people I can contact about it.
We have children together, so at some point it will have to be modified so he can see them. I am not willing to initiate that at this point, but it just feels strange right now. I should be glad to be off the roller coaster… and I am, but I guess I was just used to the ride!
it's time to stop the oh gee maybe i should, gosh i don't know, shucks i guess i'll have to and TAKE CHARGE of your life. they didn't grant that order for lack of better things to do. you AND your children need more protection than you have with the AH. it's time to recognize that, accept that, and erect firm boundaries to not allow him anywhere near you all again for a long long time. it's time to find out everything you can about the order, what is enforced, what are the consequences, who to call when and if your AH comes sniffing around again.
he has zero to offer your children. less than zero. don't worry about modifying orders you don't even understand in order to make life easy for him. he's bad news. bad bad bad bad news.
get off the ride. stay off. get into the drivers seat of your life and stay there.
So probably his "patience" will probably run out at some point... but I'm okay with that
ok....first, if you need a distraction, don't use a human, download Candy Crush or Solitaire.
as you have stated there are CLEARLY RED FLAGS with this person already. yes you may have told him you aren't ready etc, but he is not listening. he is not respecting that. so continuing to play along and not firmly enforce your boundaries will not go well.
as it is, your head and life are still way too enmeshed with the AH. is he an EX yet? are you actually divorced?
A stay away order was granted by the Court last week at the DA office request. I didn’t ask for it and didn’t even know about it. Would never have known except that AH broke it and called me to tell me about it as soon as he was out of jail. It has provided me with some security, I suppose… so I guess I’m glad about it. I just am not sure what happens from here… I suppose there are people I can contact about it.
We have children together, so at some point it will have to be modified so he can see them. I am not willing to initiate that at this point, but it just feels strange right now. I should be glad to be off the roller coaster… and I am, but I guess I was just used to the ride!
it's time to stop the oh gee maybe i should, gosh i don't know, shucks i guess i'll have to and TAKE CHARGE of your life. they didn't grant that order for lack of better things to do. you AND your children need more protection than you have with the AH. it's time to recognize that, accept that, and erect firm boundaries to not allow him anywhere near you all again for a long long time. it's time to find out everything you can about the order, what is enforced, what are the consequences, who to call when and if your AH comes sniffing around again.
he has zero to offer your children. less than zero. don't worry about modifying orders you don't even understand in order to make life easy for him. he's bad news. bad bad bad bad news.
get off the ride. stay off. get into the drivers seat of your life and stay there.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by atalose 
A very long time ago I heard this, some peoples dating habits are similar to how monkeys move through the jungle. The monkey firmly grasps hold of one branch before letting go of another. I know too many woman who would only leave a bad marriage after they found what always turned out to be the next bad relationship in their history book.
You have unresolved issues that need your full attention right now. And as much as you “feel” a distraction is nice and welcoming it’s really just getting in the way of you truly resolving these issues so that you can actually move forward with your life.
Based on what you shared, THIS IS NOT THE NEXT GUY FOR YOU!!!
You have unresolved issues that need your full attention right now. And as much as you “feel” a distraction is nice and welcoming it’s really just getting in the way of you truly resolving these issues so that you can actually move forward with your life.
Based on what you shared, THIS IS NOT THE NEXT GUY FOR YOU!!!
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: North Yorkshire UK
Posts: 765
I would say there sounds like red flags with this guy. My friend told me for a lot of years when dating guys "my radar was out of whack" as I kept choosing nut jobs! I would think your radar may need some adjustment too. enjoy your time with your kids. You dont get it again amd in the grand scheme of things making a great relationship with them at this their young age will give you such joy when theyre older. It will pay you back with such heartfelt monents you will be glad you did it. The relationship/s will come in time when youre ready, when theyre ready and when life is ready. Hugs. Xx
enjoy your time with your kids. You dont get it again amd in the grand scheme of things making a great relationship with them at this their young age will give you such joy when theyre older. It will pay you back with such heartfelt monents you will be glad you did it. The relationship/s will come in time when youre ready, when theyre ready and when life is ready. Hugs. Xx
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
I don't have any advice on whether you should be in a relationship or not right now but I kind of maybe have a different view on the new man in your life.
The thing is you have told him you need time and space and he has said he will be patient (you will need to determine if that is a red flag).
What it might be is "time and space" is very vague. Does he just not contact you for weeks and have you (maybe) assume he has lost interest? Does it mean text you a cheerful note once a day and meet for dinner Saturday nights?
I guess if you want to test the waters you might come up with some actual guidelines for him so he knows what it is exactly that you want. If he jumps those boundaries - you know where you stand.
The thing is you have told him you need time and space and he has said he will be patient (you will need to determine if that is a red flag).
What it might be is "time and space" is very vague. Does he just not contact you for weeks and have you (maybe) assume he has lost interest? Does it mean text you a cheerful note once a day and meet for dinner Saturday nights?
I guess if you want to test the waters you might come up with some actual guidelines for him so he knows what it is exactly that you want. If he jumps those boundaries - you know where you stand.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Originally Posted by Kboys
A stay away order was granted by the Court last week at the DA office request. I didn’t ask for it and didn’t even know about it. Would never have known except that AH broke it and called me to tell me about it as soon as he was out of jail.
I'm just wondering, if it was a third, what was he up to on that occasion?
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Thanks everybody, I needed to hear all of that.
We're not divorced yet. Not even close, nothing has been filed...
Yeah, pretty sure my radar is out of whack... I do have a knack for choosing controlling abusive alcoholics...
So probably even just the fact that I find myself attracted to him is a red flag...
I've definitely been enjoying my time with my boys without having to worry about AH chaos. I don't want that to end and I don't want to have to give up any of the precious time I have with them, or to have to divide it between them and another man... But I have been having fun with him, and I guess I thought it wouldn't hurt to have someone to spend some time with when the boys aren't around (which is not often, but they occasionally go to my parents ' house for a night).
Though he wants more than that, and yeah, I guess I'm kind of blurring my boundaries with him... like I do...
So probably should just end it before if goes any further...
I'm not really into candy crush or solitaire, but I could find some other distractions I'm sure
We're not divorced yet. Not even close, nothing has been filed...
Yeah, pretty sure my radar is out of whack... I do have a knack for choosing controlling abusive alcoholics...
So probably even just the fact that I find myself attracted to him is a red flag...
I've definitely been enjoying my time with my boys without having to worry about AH chaos. I don't want that to end and I don't want to have to give up any of the precious time I have with them, or to have to divide it between them and another man... But I have been having fun with him, and I guess I thought it wouldn't hurt to have someone to spend some time with when the boys aren't around (which is not often, but they occasionally go to my parents ' house for a night).
Though he wants more than that, and yeah, I guess I'm kind of blurring my boundaries with him... like I do...
So probably should just end it before if goes any further...
I'm not really into candy crush or solitaire, but I could find some other distractions I'm sure
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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I can say that it will be important to your children later in life to know that you were actually divorced before you moved on. I think it's important to get to know your real self, without all the chaos in your life, before you move on with someone else. Just my two cents.
I am so sorry you are having to go through all of this. I send you huge hugs!
I am so sorry you are having to go through all of this. I send you huge hugs!
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Hi Kboys,
I'm currently going through a divorce from an active alcoholic. It has been super hard. I have dated a little since I filed for divorce but nothing serious. I noticed everytime I begin to get to know a guy I suddenly become very guarded and eventually withdraw from communication. I don't believe I am ready to fully move on. I have been separated from my STBAXH for 2 years now. I also have two sons 11 and 7. In my position, I just feel like its more important to focus on my kids solely and my own recovery. I do agree with the others about being divorced before moving on. My STBAXH already has had several women and currently is having a woman spend the night with him at his parents place. The time apart from my STBAXH has been good for me to heal from our horrible marriage.
I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this its sounds like a nightmare. I hope things get better for you and your boys. Stay strong. (Hugs)
I'm currently going through a divorce from an active alcoholic. It has been super hard. I have dated a little since I filed for divorce but nothing serious. I noticed everytime I begin to get to know a guy I suddenly become very guarded and eventually withdraw from communication. I don't believe I am ready to fully move on. I have been separated from my STBAXH for 2 years now. I also have two sons 11 and 7. In my position, I just feel like its more important to focus on my kids solely and my own recovery. I do agree with the others about being divorced before moving on. My STBAXH already has had several women and currently is having a woman spend the night with him at his parents place. The time apart from my STBAXH has been good for me to heal from our horrible marriage.
I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this its sounds like a nightmare. I hope things get better for you and your boys. Stay strong. (Hugs)
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Kboys…..A good place to focus your therapy might be on coming to understand what it is in your development has led you to being attracted to abusive, controlling alcoholics....That didn't "just happen"...…
You might want to check out the presentations on YouTube by Ross Rosenberg on the subject of co-dependents and narcissists (he includes alcoholism in the narcissism category)……
I wrote a long post in one of Lizatola's last threads …..on dating with children.....
from my own experience....you might want to read it.....
If you haven't even filed for divorce....dating seems a bit premature....as you can admit....This won't be the first guy that you can be attracted to....Is it the intoxicating feeling that one gets when someone is attracted to you? I would think that he should be concerned with dating a woman who isn't divorced...or. even filed, and has young children in the middle. He may be thinking of himself more than your welfare and that of the kids.....
People do recover from divorce...but, the textbooks say that it takes about 2yrs., on average, for the family to adjust from the turmoil and change of divorce.....
From my own experience of being divorced with young children...I think it is very important to not live with another man while "dating"....I think that living separately is very important for yourself and the children.....
I am not saying that one should live without the benefits of the companionship of the opposite sex forever...gosh no. I am saying don't let them ever move into your nest or vice versa. This make life so much easier if the relationship doesn't make it....and, a lot don't make it...to break up. It also prevents the children from bonding with another parent figure that will leave them, once again. that is very important , I think.
In the 6yrs. before I remarried, I certainly had my good share of male attention and companionship....without anyone ever living in our nest. My children never got confused between who was a "boyfriend" and who was a daddy figure. If I stopped dating someone..,the kids never batted an eye...as it wasn't the center of their world. It also kept their jerk of a biological father from hearing about some "new guy" on their visits...lol...
***It will be easier to cut this guy loose if you don't do the horizonal tango. That just complicates things...because it releases oxytocin in the brain...which is a powerful bonding hormone...especially, for females....and, men think that women who sleep with them are "serious"....
Also....you might want to consult your gynecologist about long-term types of contraception while dating, again....because one doesn't need any more "life surprises", if you get my drift.....
dandylion's lecture series is now over.....dandylion has left the building....
You might want to check out the presentations on YouTube by Ross Rosenberg on the subject of co-dependents and narcissists (he includes alcoholism in the narcissism category)……
I wrote a long post in one of Lizatola's last threads …..on dating with children.....
from my own experience....you might want to read it.....
If you haven't even filed for divorce....dating seems a bit premature....as you can admit....This won't be the first guy that you can be attracted to....Is it the intoxicating feeling that one gets when someone is attracted to you? I would think that he should be concerned with dating a woman who isn't divorced...or. even filed, and has young children in the middle. He may be thinking of himself more than your welfare and that of the kids.....
People do recover from divorce...but, the textbooks say that it takes about 2yrs., on average, for the family to adjust from the turmoil and change of divorce.....
From my own experience of being divorced with young children...I think it is very important to not live with another man while "dating"....I think that living separately is very important for yourself and the children.....
I am not saying that one should live without the benefits of the companionship of the opposite sex forever...gosh no. I am saying don't let them ever move into your nest or vice versa. This make life so much easier if the relationship doesn't make it....and, a lot don't make it...to break up. It also prevents the children from bonding with another parent figure that will leave them, once again. that is very important , I think.
In the 6yrs. before I remarried, I certainly had my good share of male attention and companionship....without anyone ever living in our nest. My children never got confused between who was a "boyfriend" and who was a daddy figure. If I stopped dating someone..,the kids never batted an eye...as it wasn't the center of their world. It also kept their jerk of a biological father from hearing about some "new guy" on their visits...lol...
***It will be easier to cut this guy loose if you don't do the horizonal tango. That just complicates things...because it releases oxytocin in the brain...which is a powerful bonding hormone...especially, for females....and, men think that women who sleep with them are "serious"....
Also....you might want to consult your gynecologist about long-term types of contraception while dating, again....because one doesn't need any more "life surprises", if you get my drift.....
dandylion's lecture series is now over.....dandylion has left the building....
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