Hi new to this site. Saddened
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 84
Hi new to this site. Saddened
Hello,
Hope everyone is well. Try to keep it brief as I notice all these stories sound the same. For 1 month I have stayed away from my ex AB. The verbal abuse, many personalities, combined with the person that once loved me who seems dead now was too much.
I have been attending Al anon and I am not knocking it as I only gave it a month. Hearing stories of alcoholics die in there arms were a little much for me. The urge to contact after an al anon meeting was much more heightened. Maybe that's normal or I have not found the right meeting in the right town.
He reached out to my mother as I changed my number last week at like 1am back to back. I picked up to here the crying, sobbing, wheezing of losing some family members this week. How he misses me but needs time. I tried to say how I have been feeling which is very sad but he cried and said I'll call you tomorrow. I broke NC and never heard from him he told me he is sad can I just shut up and his phone is getting turned off so we wouldn't be able to talk anyway. The tears always get me I paid the bill along with being his prime enabler for 18 months. 48 hours no ty text no nothing I call it's more abuse towards me. He said we will talk later that never came. I'm tired of enabling I called the phone carrier and suspended the line on him. I can't get a refund as I did authorize the payment but in order for him to use his phone he must show Id at his cell phone store. Not that hard to do but he is a drunk and doesn't even want to do that work. I took care of us both I can't do this anymore.
Was I wrong to suspend the line? I sipped the Koop aid again. I feel terrible he is grieving but I lost him to the bottle I'm grieving as well. It's those tears that get me what about my tears. I don't no what to do with my time since I broke NC and paid a bill. I feel like a failure.
Thank you for reading
Hope everyone is well. Try to keep it brief as I notice all these stories sound the same. For 1 month I have stayed away from my ex AB. The verbal abuse, many personalities, combined with the person that once loved me who seems dead now was too much.
I have been attending Al anon and I am not knocking it as I only gave it a month. Hearing stories of alcoholics die in there arms were a little much for me. The urge to contact after an al anon meeting was much more heightened. Maybe that's normal or I have not found the right meeting in the right town.
He reached out to my mother as I changed my number last week at like 1am back to back. I picked up to here the crying, sobbing, wheezing of losing some family members this week. How he misses me but needs time. I tried to say how I have been feeling which is very sad but he cried and said I'll call you tomorrow. I broke NC and never heard from him he told me he is sad can I just shut up and his phone is getting turned off so we wouldn't be able to talk anyway. The tears always get me I paid the bill along with being his prime enabler for 18 months. 48 hours no ty text no nothing I call it's more abuse towards me. He said we will talk later that never came. I'm tired of enabling I called the phone carrier and suspended the line on him. I can't get a refund as I did authorize the payment but in order for him to use his phone he must show Id at his cell phone store. Not that hard to do but he is a drunk and doesn't even want to do that work. I took care of us both I can't do this anymore.
Was I wrong to suspend the line? I sipped the Koop aid again. I feel terrible he is grieving but I lost him to the bottle I'm grieving as well. It's those tears that get me what about my tears. I don't no what to do with my time since I broke NC and paid a bill. I feel like a failure.
Thank you for reading
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 526
You are right. You are grieving- it's easy to get sucked back in. Some Alanon groups are not for me. Recently I found one I liked and will go back to. If you fell off the no contact just go back to it today. One day at a time!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I broke NC and never heard from him he told me he is sad can I just shut up and his phone is getting turned off so we wouldn't be able to talk anyway.
What was your motive for suspending the line? Was it because he never did call you back? What was your motive for continuing to pay for him to have a cell phone? So that you could contact if you wanted? Hoping he would contact you? What happens if he does go to the carrier and shows ID and gets the phone back on? Then what?
Sometimes it helps to write down all the things he did or say that hurt you. Write down all the inconsiderate things he’s done, like calling your mother at 1am because he was drunk and all wrapped up in his own emotions. Did he care that he may have woken her up? no, did he care it may have a been a work night for her? No, and to boot, he ends up telling you to “shut up”.
Go back to no contact because no new contact will be no new hurts for you.
It's over when you truly decide it's over. The cycle of come here go away can last for ever if you let it.
What was your motive for suspending the line? Was it because he never did call you back? What was your motive for continuing to pay for him to have a cell phone? So that you could contact if you wanted? Hoping he would contact you? What happens if he does go to the carrier and shows ID and gets the phone back on? Then what?
Sometimes it helps to write down all the things he did or say that hurt you. Write down all the inconsiderate things he’s done, like calling your mother at 1am because he was drunk and all wrapped up in his own emotions. Did he care that he may have woken her up? no, did he care it may have a been a work night for her? No, and to boot, he ends up telling you to “shut up”.
Go back to no contact because no new contact will be no new hurts for you.
It's over when you truly decide it's over. The cycle of come here go away can last for ever if you let it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Welcome to Shredder SR! So glad you posted.
Have you read Codependent No More? That is a very good book that might help you build your budding skill set on pulling out of uncomfortable situations and saying no.
The first time I was in an alcoholic crisis with my H I could not stop crying. I went to a counselor and they recommended antidepressants. In the parking lot after the appt I called my H and cursed him out for causing me to be so flipped out I needed drugs to stop crying. So I totally get you wanting to contact your A after an Al Anon meeting,
Have you read Codependent No More? That is a very good book that might help you build your budding skill set on pulling out of uncomfortable situations and saying no.
The first time I was in an alcoholic crisis with my H I could not stop crying. I went to a counselor and they recommended antidepressants. In the parking lot after the appt I called my H and cursed him out for causing me to be so flipped out I needed drugs to stop crying. So I totally get you wanting to contact your A after an Al Anon meeting,
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Hi and welcome, sorry for what brings you here.
I totally agree with atalose in that writing down all the negatives of this relationship will help you cope. Sometimes when we are getting out of a relationship it is easy to forget the bad and sugar coat it.
As for the bill, I wouldn't worry about it at this point as in, don't kick yourself for it. You might want to examine your motives though, spite or panic or? That's just so you see things clearer going forward.
He doesn't sound like relationship material at all.
No one should ever speak to you like this and I'm sure he's said much worse.
As for Al-Anon, shop around for other meetings perhaps, sounds like the one you attended doesn't suit you and that's ok, there is one for you, just need to keep looking.
I totally agree with atalose in that writing down all the negatives of this relationship will help you cope. Sometimes when we are getting out of a relationship it is easy to forget the bad and sugar coat it.
As for the bill, I wouldn't worry about it at this point as in, don't kick yourself for it. You might want to examine your motives though, spite or panic or? That's just so you see things clearer going forward.
He doesn't sound like relationship material at all.
can I just shut up
As for Al-Anon, shop around for other meetings perhaps, sounds like the one you attended doesn't suit you and that's ok, there is one for you, just need to keep looking.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
You know, it would always break my heart when XAH cried too. The most common scenario was when I would notice that he for sure was drunk after claiming to have been sober. He'd begin to cry, saying that he needed help, he was a very sick person, and so on. In the beginning, I'd hug him, comfort him, tell him it would all be OK.
As we played out this scene again and again over time, and as I began to put what I'd learned at Alanon and SR into action, I got less and less drawn into his drama. As I was less drawn in, I noticed that the tears would dry up sooner and sooner, giving way to demands for compassion, closeness, and other changes on my part. I finally realized it was much more likely that this was all about self-pity and manipulation than genuine remorse.
In the intervening years, I've seen nothing to make me revise that assessment.
As we played out this scene again and again over time, and as I began to put what I'd learned at Alanon and SR into action, I got less and less drawn into his drama. As I was less drawn in, I noticed that the tears would dry up sooner and sooner, giving way to demands for compassion, closeness, and other changes on my part. I finally realized it was much more likely that this was all about self-pity and manipulation than genuine remorse.
In the intervening years, I've seen nothing to make me revise that assessment.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
S,
Don't beat yourself up about paying the phone bill. If that's the worse thing you to for him going forward, you will be in good shape. What are you doing for you. Does he have your new number again? Change it if he does. Your mother might need to block his number also. That is beyond rude calling her drunk trying to find you.
He is an addict, and the longer you play his game, you will lose. Cut contact, have family and friends, cut contact. Let him suffer all by himself. maybe, just maybe he will hit rock bottom and seek out help for himself, but maybe not.
Sending strength and hope that when you know better, you do better. Hugs!!
Don't beat yourself up about paying the phone bill. If that's the worse thing you to for him going forward, you will be in good shape. What are you doing for you. Does he have your new number again? Change it if he does. Your mother might need to block his number also. That is beyond rude calling her drunk trying to find you.
He is an addict, and the longer you play his game, you will lose. Cut contact, have family and friends, cut contact. Let him suffer all by himself. maybe, just maybe he will hit rock bottom and seek out help for himself, but maybe not.
Sending strength and hope that when you know better, you do better. Hugs!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 91
Shredder, there is something about addiction that turns loved ones into master manipulaters. It's as if there is a mysterious link in their subconscious that once fueled by drugs or alcohol gives them classified info on how to use people. My qualifier was the best liar I've ever known. And as far as manipulating me, a friend at Alanon told me, " Of course she knows how to push your buttons. She's the one who put them there." It's ok to put yourself first. In fact, in our situations it's mandatory. Take care and hugs coming your way.
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