Alcoholic husband
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 10
Alcoholic husband
I am married to an alcoholic and we have a six year old child together. He has been struggling with alcohol for a long time but it has got significantly worse in the past three or four years. He goes to AA, but it doesn't really seem to work for him in terms of actually stopping drinking. When he first started going he stopped for around three months but that hasn't been repeated.
He hasn't been sober for more than a fortnight at a stretch in about two years, and it is usually more like a week between bouts. It turns our lives upside down, causes chaos and puts me under a lot of strain as I feel the need to keep it away from our child as much as possible (who currently isn't, or at least doesn't seem to be, very conscious of or affected by it, but I realise this is likely to change). When he is drinking he seems like a completely different person. I am miserable and feel I can never fully relax, even in the good patches, when things can seem on the surface entirely normal.
We have been together 15 years and I still love him, but deep down I am not sure our relationship can recover. I feel more like a carer than a wife. He is well aware he has a problem and as I say, he tries to engage with AA and other recovery services, but nothing seems to stick. I am genuinely unsure if he just doesn't want it enough or if he simply can't do it yet, but either way the result is the same and it feels like I have been waiting a long time for something that is not happening.
I am at the point of feeling like I need to walk away for his sake as much as mine as it might be the thing that finally tips the balance, but there are several crucial factors stopping me which are making me feel completely paralysed:
- I am scared about the impact on our child, who has a good and close relationship to him. He has said in the past that if we split up he wouldn't want to be involved with our child any more and I can't bear the thought of the pain that would cause (N.B. he has only ever said this when drunk so it's possible he doesn't really mean it but I can't write off the possibility)
- Although I know he's an adult and it's not my job to take care of him, he would be in an extremely bad position if we split up. He has no job, no money, no supportive family. I think he would basically be out on the streets, which I am obviously extremely worried about from his perspective - as if he's in such a bad situation he's unlikely to be able to stop drinking anyway - and again, for the impact on our child
- For the first time in my life (due to changes in circumstance in my career) I am in a place where I am more financially stable. Up until the past year we've been living from month to month unable to save at all and with no chance of ever buying a house (we're in the UK) because we've had to live off one salary, mine, and he has not contributed financially. Now that I am earning so much more (although this may be short-term) I'm in a position where I could buy a house for the first time. If we split up I am guessing that as we are married he would be entitled to a lot of my earnings, even though I would be likely to have custody of our child and he wouldn't be paying me any maintenance. So I would be back at square one, at the age of 38, with little prospect of moving forward or creating some long-term security for my child. Again, he says that he wouldn't put me in a position where I had to sell the house, but I can't rely on that as people often act differently from how they feel they will when it comes down to it.
- Again, this is something he has said while drunk but it continues to play on my mind - I think he would be likely to try and make things as difficult as he could for me. For full disclosure, I have not always behaved well over the years and at times in the past when I have been angry and upset about his drinking I have been quite violent towards him (not to a dramatically high level, but I have sometimes lashed out and caused a scratch or bruise as a result). I regret this and haven't repeated this behaviour for over a year now, but I fear that if we split up he will accuse me of violence, possibly make it sound more extreme than it is, and perhaps even try and get my child taken away from me. He frequently mentions the fact that I went to a two-day anger management course over a decade ago, as if he sees this as some kind of evidence that I am out of control. In reality, I know I have a short fuse and I do have to control my temper, but the majority of this is in relation to him and I can't help feeling that it is another sign that the relationship is not right. I'm not excusing violence. I know it is wrong and I don't want to behave like that again.
All these factors above are making me feel that I cannot leave. But the alternative is being trapped in a miserable marriage for the rest of my life. I have said exactly this to him and his response is that there is a third option, that he can recover and we can be happy, but this is starting to feel like an unrealistic dream rather than a genuine option. I don't know how long I can wait.
I'm not sure what I am hoping for as I am not convinced there is a way past the issues I have written about above, but I needed to get it all down in the hope it will help me to see straight.
He hasn't been sober for more than a fortnight at a stretch in about two years, and it is usually more like a week between bouts. It turns our lives upside down, causes chaos and puts me under a lot of strain as I feel the need to keep it away from our child as much as possible (who currently isn't, or at least doesn't seem to be, very conscious of or affected by it, but I realise this is likely to change). When he is drinking he seems like a completely different person. I am miserable and feel I can never fully relax, even in the good patches, when things can seem on the surface entirely normal.
We have been together 15 years and I still love him, but deep down I am not sure our relationship can recover. I feel more like a carer than a wife. He is well aware he has a problem and as I say, he tries to engage with AA and other recovery services, but nothing seems to stick. I am genuinely unsure if he just doesn't want it enough or if he simply can't do it yet, but either way the result is the same and it feels like I have been waiting a long time for something that is not happening.
I am at the point of feeling like I need to walk away for his sake as much as mine as it might be the thing that finally tips the balance, but there are several crucial factors stopping me which are making me feel completely paralysed:
- I am scared about the impact on our child, who has a good and close relationship to him. He has said in the past that if we split up he wouldn't want to be involved with our child any more and I can't bear the thought of the pain that would cause (N.B. he has only ever said this when drunk so it's possible he doesn't really mean it but I can't write off the possibility)
- Although I know he's an adult and it's not my job to take care of him, he would be in an extremely bad position if we split up. He has no job, no money, no supportive family. I think he would basically be out on the streets, which I am obviously extremely worried about from his perspective - as if he's in such a bad situation he's unlikely to be able to stop drinking anyway - and again, for the impact on our child
- For the first time in my life (due to changes in circumstance in my career) I am in a place where I am more financially stable. Up until the past year we've been living from month to month unable to save at all and with no chance of ever buying a house (we're in the UK) because we've had to live off one salary, mine, and he has not contributed financially. Now that I am earning so much more (although this may be short-term) I'm in a position where I could buy a house for the first time. If we split up I am guessing that as we are married he would be entitled to a lot of my earnings, even though I would be likely to have custody of our child and he wouldn't be paying me any maintenance. So I would be back at square one, at the age of 38, with little prospect of moving forward or creating some long-term security for my child. Again, he says that he wouldn't put me in a position where I had to sell the house, but I can't rely on that as people often act differently from how they feel they will when it comes down to it.
- Again, this is something he has said while drunk but it continues to play on my mind - I think he would be likely to try and make things as difficult as he could for me. For full disclosure, I have not always behaved well over the years and at times in the past when I have been angry and upset about his drinking I have been quite violent towards him (not to a dramatically high level, but I have sometimes lashed out and caused a scratch or bruise as a result). I regret this and haven't repeated this behaviour for over a year now, but I fear that if we split up he will accuse me of violence, possibly make it sound more extreme than it is, and perhaps even try and get my child taken away from me. He frequently mentions the fact that I went to a two-day anger management course over a decade ago, as if he sees this as some kind of evidence that I am out of control. In reality, I know I have a short fuse and I do have to control my temper, but the majority of this is in relation to him and I can't help feeling that it is another sign that the relationship is not right. I'm not excusing violence. I know it is wrong and I don't want to behave like that again.
All these factors above are making me feel that I cannot leave. But the alternative is being trapped in a miserable marriage for the rest of my life. I have said exactly this to him and his response is that there is a third option, that he can recover and we can be happy, but this is starting to feel like an unrealistic dream rather than a genuine option. I don't know how long I can wait.
I'm not sure what I am hoping for as I am not convinced there is a way past the issues I have written about above, but I needed to get it all down in the hope it will help me to see straight.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello feeling stuck,
Welcome to SR. What a thoughtful and kind first post. I highly recommend you just keep rereading it.
It sounds like you have given your partner a number of years to fight his addiction. He is not even functional since he doesn’t have a job.
If you are now in a stronger economic situation to end this partnership, I would do it. Is it really a partnership? He doesn’t sound like a very willing parent if he’s threatening you that he won’t be involved if you separate. Your child deserves to grow up without the cyclical drinking sessions every two weeks.
Your responsibility is to you and your child. He is an adult and you have given him how many years to get on his feet? Time to be independent. I think you will find it peaceful to not have the responsibility and chaos of an alcoholic spouse underfoot.
Welcome to SR! I’m glad you posted!
Welcome to SR. What a thoughtful and kind first post. I highly recommend you just keep rereading it.
It sounds like you have given your partner a number of years to fight his addiction. He is not even functional since he doesn’t have a job.
If you are now in a stronger economic situation to end this partnership, I would do it. Is it really a partnership? He doesn’t sound like a very willing parent if he’s threatening you that he won’t be involved if you separate. Your child deserves to grow up without the cyclical drinking sessions every two weeks.
Your responsibility is to you and your child. He is an adult and you have given him how many years to get on his feet? Time to be independent. I think you will find it peaceful to not have the responsibility and chaos of an alcoholic spouse underfoot.
Welcome to SR! I’m glad you posted!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
FeelingStuck…...Welcome!
First of all....it is unwise to engage in any financial endeavor with a practicing alcoholic....(like buying a house)….if anyone loses ...it will not be the alcoholic....
15yrs. is a long time. If there is anything worse that being the care taker of an alcoholic during your young, vital years...is taking care of an old broken down alcoholic in your older years....Eventually, it takes down the health of the caretaker and destroys the quality of life. Eventually the alcohol destroys the health of the alcoholic, too...and, much earlier than the general population….
at 6yrs., you son is already being affected by the alcoholic home...even if he can't verbalize it. If you feel tension and stress...the child absorbs it like a sponge. Alcoholism is progressive...meaning that it gets worse over time...so it is likely that this is as good as it is going to be.....
I get it that you have a lot of money concerns...and I do get the reality of what money means in our lives...I really do.....but, even so...money isn't everything. It will not compensate for damage done to children living in an alcoholic home, with a stressed out mother and an emotionally unavailable father.
It won't compensate for the pleasure and joy that is sucked out of your vital years....and the developmental years of your son.
It won't compensate for the loss of your health through stress-related diseases...…
a person can be happy in a box, if they have a peaceful and satisfied mind....but, cannot be happy in a castle if they are tormented, inside.....
You say that you love him...but, sometimes, we can't keep the people that we love...we have to, instead, love them from a distance....
You DO have options...there are always options...but, you may not know what they are...or, you may know them and just not like them...lol...
I am giving you the following ink to our extensive library (known as the stickies)….of over 100 excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones.....enough for you to read and digest one every single day...…
There is sooo much to know. Knowledge is power.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
You might also read "Co-Dependent No More"....which is a very popular book, on this site....
You can get through this, just as millions of women before you...but, the key is to educate yourself and get the right kind of support....
I believe that there is alanon in the UK..? and, I am guessing, support groups....through various churches and the health service....
First of all....it is unwise to engage in any financial endeavor with a practicing alcoholic....(like buying a house)….if anyone loses ...it will not be the alcoholic....
15yrs. is a long time. If there is anything worse that being the care taker of an alcoholic during your young, vital years...is taking care of an old broken down alcoholic in your older years....Eventually, it takes down the health of the caretaker and destroys the quality of life. Eventually the alcohol destroys the health of the alcoholic, too...and, much earlier than the general population….
at 6yrs., you son is already being affected by the alcoholic home...even if he can't verbalize it. If you feel tension and stress...the child absorbs it like a sponge. Alcoholism is progressive...meaning that it gets worse over time...so it is likely that this is as good as it is going to be.....
I get it that you have a lot of money concerns...and I do get the reality of what money means in our lives...I really do.....but, even so...money isn't everything. It will not compensate for damage done to children living in an alcoholic home, with a stressed out mother and an emotionally unavailable father.
It won't compensate for the pleasure and joy that is sucked out of your vital years....and the developmental years of your son.
It won't compensate for the loss of your health through stress-related diseases...…
a person can be happy in a box, if they have a peaceful and satisfied mind....but, cannot be happy in a castle if they are tormented, inside.....
You say that you love him...but, sometimes, we can't keep the people that we love...we have to, instead, love them from a distance....
You DO have options...there are always options...but, you may not know what they are...or, you may know them and just not like them...lol...
I am giving you the following ink to our extensive library (known as the stickies)….of over 100 excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones.....enough for you to read and digest one every single day...…
There is sooo much to know. Knowledge is power.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
You might also read "Co-Dependent No More"....which is a very popular book, on this site....
You can get through this, just as millions of women before you...but, the key is to educate yourself and get the right kind of support....
I believe that there is alanon in the UK..? and, I am guessing, support groups....through various churches and the health service....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
He hasn't been sober for more than a fortnight at a stretch in about two years,
and it is usually more like a week between bouts.
I am at the point of feeling like I need to walk away
I am scared about the impact on our child, who has a good and close relationship to him.
It would appear he is very comfortable with his drinking life, having no job and no money but a roof over his head, food on his table and someone like you making it all so comfortable and cozy for him to just continue this way. What would his motive be for wanting to change that, it’s working out great for him.
If he has no job, how does he get the booze?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 44
Feeling Stuck, thanks for posting and sharing so well what's happening with you. I'm sorry that you're living with an alcoholic. I too have been married for a long time to an alcoholic, it's gotten worse, we live off of my salary currently. My husband is self employed, he is paid on commission, and at the end of most years, his income exceeds mine. With all of that said, I can relate to your financial worries and worries for the future. I'm currently not living at home, moved out last Monday, I needed a break. As others have said here, you have options, even if they don't seem clear right now. Maybe you can take a moment to write down a few... Do you have friends you could stay with temporarily? I opened my own bank account in my name only, and moved most of our money to it so I can better manage bills. AH has access to our joint account, and I only leave a small amount in it, once it's gone, it's gone. I don't give him money anymore b/c every time I did, he spent it on drugs or booze 
If you can take a break, for a little while, it will help you gather the strength you need, have some time to breathe. Living with the chaos of alcoholism is too much to bare. Working full time, taking care of your son and living with the chaos is exhausting. I know, I've been there. Please take care of yourself. It's not easy, I know that. I did at a time when my bank account was low, I didn't have all the right words, but I knew I needed it. It's amazing, when you toss out to the universe what you need, the universe responds. So many people offered me a place to stay, made me dinner, breakfast, etc. I let them take care of me, I'm currently letting them take care of me. I've surrendered to the fact that I need a little help right now. That's not easy for me to do, I'm an "I got this," type of person, which I am suspecting you are too!
I've told my AH that I need him to focus on himself, I will focus on me, and then let's see where we go from there. My therapist told me not to worry about the next month, to take it one day at a time, and to listen to myself and honor my needs.
Please read as much as you can, go to Al Anon and ask friends for support, a place to crash for a little bit, save your own money and do what you can for yourself (yoga, a pedicure, a walk in the woods, anything you enjoy doing). Keep posting, I'm here and will reply!
If you can take a break, for a little while, it will help you gather the strength you need, have some time to breathe. Living with the chaos of alcoholism is too much to bare. Working full time, taking care of your son and living with the chaos is exhausting. I know, I've been there. Please take care of yourself. It's not easy, I know that. I did at a time when my bank account was low, I didn't have all the right words, but I knew I needed it. It's amazing, when you toss out to the universe what you need, the universe responds. So many people offered me a place to stay, made me dinner, breakfast, etc. I let them take care of me, I'm currently letting them take care of me. I've surrendered to the fact that I need a little help right now. That's not easy for me to do, I'm an "I got this," type of person, which I am suspecting you are too!
I've told my AH that I need him to focus on himself, I will focus on me, and then let's see where we go from there. My therapist told me not to worry about the next month, to take it one day at a time, and to listen to myself and honor my needs.
Please read as much as you can, go to Al Anon and ask friends for support, a place to crash for a little bit, save your own money and do what you can for yourself (yoga, a pedicure, a walk in the woods, anything you enjoy doing). Keep posting, I'm here and will reply!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Lots of wise advice here.
Bottom line? The door swings both ways.
There is divorce and house buying etc.
The truth is you can pack your bag and walk out that door whenever you choose. You are not actually a hostage although i'm sure it feels like you are.
There is no rule that you have to divorce him or support him right now. If you actually want to leave, leave. Don't let the "what ifs" hold you back.
I've said this before - you child might think Dad is great right now but I guarantee you a few years from now that won't be the case. In fact getting them out of this destructive environment will probably be doing your Husband a favour in terms of their relationship.
As for his alcoholism and unemployment, well, I guess he's going to have to get a job, like the rest of the functioning world does. I don't say that lightly. The truth is you are enabling him to continue drinking so why would he change? What could possibly be his motivation? There may be underlying mental issues, is there any reason he hasn't gone to be evaluated? Is he opposed to that?
I ask because if he does have mental health issues (aside from alcoholism) that honestly prohibit him from getting help, that's one thing - just wanting to stay home and drink is another.
Bottom line? The door swings both ways.
There is divorce and house buying etc.
The truth is you can pack your bag and walk out that door whenever you choose. You are not actually a hostage although i'm sure it feels like you are.
There is no rule that you have to divorce him or support him right now. If you actually want to leave, leave. Don't let the "what ifs" hold you back.
I've said this before - you child might think Dad is great right now but I guarantee you a few years from now that won't be the case. In fact getting them out of this destructive environment will probably be doing your Husband a favour in terms of their relationship.
As for his alcoholism and unemployment, well, I guess he's going to have to get a job, like the rest of the functioning world does. I don't say that lightly. The truth is you are enabling him to continue drinking so why would he change? What could possibly be his motivation? There may be underlying mental issues, is there any reason he hasn't gone to be evaluated? Is he opposed to that?
I ask because if he does have mental health issues (aside from alcoholism) that honestly prohibit him from getting help, that's one thing - just wanting to stay home and drink is another.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 10
Many thanks all of you. You make some good points and I am really grateful for the support.
I think you're right that this is an easy situation for him to continue to drink in. He has no financial responsibilities (or many responsibilities of any other kind really) and I am definitely enabling him. Nonetheless I don't want to see him out on the streets and don't think that could possibly be the best solution as far as our child is concerned, but I don't know how to avoid that outcome for him. If we divorce I will 100% be the loser financially but I suppose at least then he would have some money so I would not have to feel quite so guilty about "abandoning" him.
He has continued to drink over the past couple of days (our child is staying at my parents' - was previously arranged) and is being pretty horrible to me. My fear is that it's quite easy for me to keep my resolve whilst this is the case, because it feels like I wouldn't be losing much. But realistically, I know that he will sober up in the end - he always does. And then he will be very remorseful and treat me kindly and every time this has happened in the past I have fallen for it. I don't know how to break this cycle. Part of me thinks that maybe telling my parents is the key. (They know he is an alcoholic but not how bad things have got.) But I am scared because it feels like once I have said it I can't take it back.
When I look back on the past couple of years it seems like I have been repeatedly kidding myself. When we moved to this house almost a year ago I convinced myself that it would be a fresh start and we would be ok... even though the reason we were moving was that he had upset our previous neighbours so much that the landlord kicked us out, even though he spent the moving day completely drunk and incapable and I had to do it all myself. Looking at it written down it seems ridiculous. And in the year since then there have been some bright spots, which I have clung on to and probably made bigger than they are (in reality it's probably not been wonderful, just normal, which feels wonderful from where I'm standing!) but overall it has been pretty dreadful. I feel fairly sure that I need to end it but it's very hard. Not least because the things he has said to me are getting into my head and I am starting to think maybe he's right, maybe I am the unpleasant and controlling person he thinks I am. But even if he's right, that still doesn't mean I should stay with him, does it?!
Thank you again for posting, it really helps.
I think you're right that this is an easy situation for him to continue to drink in. He has no financial responsibilities (or many responsibilities of any other kind really) and I am definitely enabling him. Nonetheless I don't want to see him out on the streets and don't think that could possibly be the best solution as far as our child is concerned, but I don't know how to avoid that outcome for him. If we divorce I will 100% be the loser financially but I suppose at least then he would have some money so I would not have to feel quite so guilty about "abandoning" him.
He has continued to drink over the past couple of days (our child is staying at my parents' - was previously arranged) and is being pretty horrible to me. My fear is that it's quite easy for me to keep my resolve whilst this is the case, because it feels like I wouldn't be losing much. But realistically, I know that he will sober up in the end - he always does. And then he will be very remorseful and treat me kindly and every time this has happened in the past I have fallen for it. I don't know how to break this cycle. Part of me thinks that maybe telling my parents is the key. (They know he is an alcoholic but not how bad things have got.) But I am scared because it feels like once I have said it I can't take it back.
When I look back on the past couple of years it seems like I have been repeatedly kidding myself. When we moved to this house almost a year ago I convinced myself that it would be a fresh start and we would be ok... even though the reason we were moving was that he had upset our previous neighbours so much that the landlord kicked us out, even though he spent the moving day completely drunk and incapable and I had to do it all myself. Looking at it written down it seems ridiculous. And in the year since then there have been some bright spots, which I have clung on to and probably made bigger than they are (in reality it's probably not been wonderful, just normal, which feels wonderful from where I'm standing!) but overall it has been pretty dreadful. I feel fairly sure that I need to end it but it's very hard. Not least because the things he has said to me are getting into my head and I am starting to think maybe he's right, maybe I am the unpleasant and controlling person he thinks I am. But even if he's right, that still doesn't mean I should stay with him, does it?!
Thank you again for posting, it really helps.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 10
P.S. I meant to answer a couple of questions...
snitch, I don't believe he is really working the steps. He was, but could never get past step four. He had a sponsor but doesn't any longer. I don't think this is helping.
atalose, it's a good question (about how he gets the booze). In the past I've sometimes given him money when he's asked for it on the pretext of something else, but I have got much more wise to that in recent months. I can only assume he either steals it or asks for money on the streets. I suspect both, to be honest.
trailmix, there are definitely underlying mental health issues. He's been through a certain amount of counselling and has been referred to local well-being services but nothing really seems to get moving (to be fair, that is not all his fault as things move very slowly over here when it comes to getting help with mental health). I feel very sorry for him and do believe he is genuinely struggling, but I'm not sure that is the right reason to stay married to someone for the rest of your life.
snitch, I don't believe he is really working the steps. He was, but could never get past step four. He had a sponsor but doesn't any longer. I don't think this is helping.
atalose, it's a good question (about how he gets the booze). In the past I've sometimes given him money when he's asked for it on the pretext of something else, but I have got much more wise to that in recent months. I can only assume he either steals it or asks for money on the streets. I suspect both, to be honest.
trailmix, there are definitely underlying mental health issues. He's been through a certain amount of counselling and has been referred to local well-being services but nothing really seems to get moving (to be fair, that is not all his fault as things move very slowly over here when it comes to getting help with mental health). I feel very sorry for him and do believe he is genuinely struggling, but I'm not sure that is the right reason to stay married to someone for the rest of your life.
In search of myself
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Philadelphia FREEDOM
Posts: 149
I really feel for you. I have been in your shoes. Yes, it is very hard to turn away from someone you love. Although your child is still young, you would be surprised how perceptive children can be.
There comes a time when we have to respect the alcoholic's decision to drink. Sadly, we often have to watch them from a distance as they continue on their destructive path.
For my own sanity and well-being, I left my AH. The final year of his life, I had to go no-contact. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. But he would not get sober after going through three in-patient programs and numerous out-patient programs. I realized there was nothing I could do to save him. He had to do that himself.
Have you ever attended Al-Anon? I found great comfort in being in face-to-face meetings with people who understood my fears and concerns.
There comes a time when we have to respect the alcoholic's decision to drink. Sadly, we often have to watch them from a distance as they continue on their destructive path.
For my own sanity and well-being, I left my AH. The final year of his life, I had to go no-contact. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. But he would not get sober after going through three in-patient programs and numerous out-patient programs. I realized there was nothing I could do to save him. He had to do that himself.
Have you ever attended Al-Anon? I found great comfort in being in face-to-face meetings with people who understood my fears and concerns.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
He goes to AA, but it doesn't really seem to work for him in terms of actually stopping drinking
going to meetings wouldnt have stopped me from drinking,either. working the steps is what helped me recover.
And then he will be very remorseful and treat me kindly and every time this has happened in the past ....
that was me with my,"im sorry" and,"i promise" blahblahblah.
it only lasted until the heat was off. once the heat got turned down, back at it.
what truly helped me get help was my(by then ex- i just hadnt been informed yet) fiance tossin me to the curb the morning after my last blackout drunk.
very wise move on her part- i was only going to drag her down with me as long as she allowed me to.
going to meetings wouldnt have stopped me from drinking,either. working the steps is what helped me recover.
And then he will be very remorseful and treat me kindly and every time this has happened in the past ....
that was me with my,"im sorry" and,"i promise" blahblahblah.
it only lasted until the heat was off. once the heat got turned down, back at it.
what truly helped me get help was my(by then ex- i just hadnt been informed yet) fiance tossin me to the curb the morning after my last blackout drunk.
very wise move on her part- i was only going to drag her down with me as long as she allowed me to.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 10
Thanks. I am increasingly feeling that us separating might be the only thing that could push him into recovery, but I have no idea how to do this with a child involved. If it were just the two of us then I would just try and get him to leave (it's only my name on the tenancy so he couldn't stay here while I moved out) and weather the storm if he got difficult about it. But I can't expose a child to that can I? I just don't know how to do it.
There are a small number of Al Anon meetings in my area but as I work there is really only weekly one that I am able to go to. I did go a couple of times but unfortunately it was not well-attended and the other people there were in very different situations and life-stages to me so I found it only of limited use. I will try again though. There are also a couple of other groups for families of addicts in the area that I can try. It's just difficult right now because I can't get out in the evenings unless my child is elsewhere. I can't leave my husband in charge, and I can't even get a babysitter because I can't exactly ask someone to come over and ignore the drunk bloke on the sofa. Urgh.
There are a small number of Al Anon meetings in my area but as I work there is really only weekly one that I am able to go to. I did go a couple of times but unfortunately it was not well-attended and the other people there were in very different situations and life-stages to me so I found it only of limited use. I will try again though. There are also a couple of other groups for families of addicts in the area that I can try. It's just difficult right now because I can't get out in the evenings unless my child is elsewhere. I can't leave my husband in charge, and I can't even get a babysitter because I can't exactly ask someone to come over and ignore the drunk bloke on the sofa. Urgh.
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1
Originally Posted by FeelingStuck79 
I am married to an alcoholic and we have a six year old child together. He has been struggling with alcohol for a long time but it has got significantly worse in the past three or four years. He goes to AA, but it doesn't really seem to work for him in terms of actually stopping drinking. When he first started going he stopped for around three months but that hasn't been repeated.
He hasn't been sober for more than a fortnight at a stretch in about two years, and it is usually more like a week between bouts. It turns our lives upside down, causes chaos and puts me under a lot of strain as I feel the need to keep it away from our child as much as possible (who currently isn't, or at least doesn't seem to be, very conscious of or affected by it, but I realise this is likely to change). When he is drinking he seems like a completely different person. I am miserable and feel I can never fully relax, even in the good patches, when things can seem on the surface entirely normal.
We have been together 15 years and I still love him, but deep down I am not sure our relationship can recover. I feel more like a carer than a wife. He is well aware he has a problem and as I say, he tries to engage with AA and other recovery services, but nothing seems to stick. I am genuinely unsure if he just doesn't want it enough or if he simply can't do it yet, but either way the result is the same and it feels like I have been waiting a long time for something that is not happening.
I am at the point of feeling like I need to walk away for his sake as much as mine as it might be the thing that finally tips the balance, but there are several crucial factors stopping me which are making me feel completely paralysed:
- I am scared about the impact on our child, who has a good and close relationship to him. He has said in the past that if we split up he wouldn't want to be involved with our child any more and I can't bear the thought of the pain that would cause (N.B. he has only ever said this when drunk so it's possible he doesn't really mean it but I can't write off the possibility)
- Although I know he's an adult and it's not my job to take care of him, he would be in an extremely bad position if we split up. He has no job, no money, no supportive family. I think he would basically be out on the streets, which I am obviously extremely worried about from his perspective - as if he's in such a bad situation he's unlikely to be able to stop drinking anyway - and again, for the impact on our child
- For the first time in my life (due to changes in circumstance in my career) I am in a place where I am more financially stable. Up until the past year we've been living from month to month unable to save at all and with no chance of ever buying a house (we're in the UK) because we've had to live off one salary, mine, and he has not contributed financially. Now that I am earning so much more (although this may be short-term) I'm in a position where I could buy a house for the first time. If we split up I am guessing that as we are married he would be entitled to a lot of my earnings, even though I would be likely to have custody of our child and he wouldn't be paying me any maintenance. So I would be back at square one, at the age of 38, with little prospect of moving forward or creating some long-term security for my child. Again, he says that he wouldn't put me in a position where I had to sell the house, but I can't rely on that as people often act differently from how they feel they will when it comes down to it.
- Again, this is something he has said while drunk but it continues to play on my mind - I think he would be likely to try and make things as difficult as he could for me. For full disclosure, I have not always behaved well over the years and at times in the past when I have been angry and upset about his drinking I have been quite violent towards him (not to a dramatically high level, but I have sometimes lashed out and caused a scratch or bruise as a result). I regret this and haven't repeated this behaviour for over a year now, but I fear that if we split up he will accuse me of violence, possibly make it sound more extreme than it is, and perhaps even try and get my child taken away from me. He frequently mentions the fact that I went to a two-day anger management course over a decade ago, as if he sees this as some kind of evidence that I am out of control. In reality, I know I have a short fuse and I do have to control my temper, but the majority of this is in relation to him and I can't help feeling that it is another sign that the relationship is not right. I'm not excusing violence. I know it is wrong and I don't want to behave like that again.
All these factors above are making me feel that I cannot leave. But the alternative is being trapped in a miserable marriage for the rest of my life. I have said exactly this to him and his response is that there is a third option, that he can recover and we can be happy, but this is starting to feel like an unrealistic dream rather than a genuine option. I don't know how long I can wait.
I'm not sure what I am hoping for as I am not convinced there is a way past the issues I have written about above, but I needed to get it all down in the hope it will help me to see straight.
He hasn't been sober for more than a fortnight at a stretch in about two years, and it is usually more like a week between bouts. It turns our lives upside down, causes chaos and puts me under a lot of strain as I feel the need to keep it away from our child as much as possible (who currently isn't, or at least doesn't seem to be, very conscious of or affected by it, but I realise this is likely to change). When he is drinking he seems like a completely different person. I am miserable and feel I can never fully relax, even in the good patches, when things can seem on the surface entirely normal.
We have been together 15 years and I still love him, but deep down I am not sure our relationship can recover. I feel more like a carer than a wife. He is well aware he has a problem and as I say, he tries to engage with AA and other recovery services, but nothing seems to stick. I am genuinely unsure if he just doesn't want it enough or if he simply can't do it yet, but either way the result is the same and it feels like I have been waiting a long time for something that is not happening.
I am at the point of feeling like I need to walk away for his sake as much as mine as it might be the thing that finally tips the balance, but there are several crucial factors stopping me which are making me feel completely paralysed:
- I am scared about the impact on our child, who has a good and close relationship to him. He has said in the past that if we split up he wouldn't want to be involved with our child any more and I can't bear the thought of the pain that would cause (N.B. he has only ever said this when drunk so it's possible he doesn't really mean it but I can't write off the possibility)
- Although I know he's an adult and it's not my job to take care of him, he would be in an extremely bad position if we split up. He has no job, no money, no supportive family. I think he would basically be out on the streets, which I am obviously extremely worried about from his perspective - as if he's in such a bad situation he's unlikely to be able to stop drinking anyway - and again, for the impact on our child
- For the first time in my life (due to changes in circumstance in my career) I am in a place where I am more financially stable. Up until the past year we've been living from month to month unable to save at all and with no chance of ever buying a house (we're in the UK) because we've had to live off one salary, mine, and he has not contributed financially. Now that I am earning so much more (although this may be short-term) I'm in a position where I could buy a house for the first time. If we split up I am guessing that as we are married he would be entitled to a lot of my earnings, even though I would be likely to have custody of our child and he wouldn't be paying me any maintenance. So I would be back at square one, at the age of 38, with little prospect of moving forward or creating some long-term security for my child. Again, he says that he wouldn't put me in a position where I had to sell the house, but I can't rely on that as people often act differently from how they feel they will when it comes down to it.
- Again, this is something he has said while drunk but it continues to play on my mind - I think he would be likely to try and make things as difficult as he could for me. For full disclosure, I have not always behaved well over the years and at times in the past when I have been angry and upset about his drinking I have been quite violent towards him (not to a dramatically high level, but I have sometimes lashed out and caused a scratch or bruise as a result). I regret this and haven't repeated this behaviour for over a year now, but I fear that if we split up he will accuse me of violence, possibly make it sound more extreme than it is, and perhaps even try and get my child taken away from me. He frequently mentions the fact that I went to a two-day anger management course over a decade ago, as if he sees this as some kind of evidence that I am out of control. In reality, I know I have a short fuse and I do have to control my temper, but the majority of this is in relation to him and I can't help feeling that it is another sign that the relationship is not right. I'm not excusing violence. I know it is wrong and I don't want to behave like that again.
All these factors above are making me feel that I cannot leave. But the alternative is being trapped in a miserable marriage for the rest of my life. I have said exactly this to him and his response is that there is a third option, that he can recover and we can be happy, but this is starting to feel like an unrealistic dream rather than a genuine option. I don't know how long I can wait.
I'm not sure what I am hoping for as I am not convinced there is a way past the issues I have written about above, but I needed to get it all down in the hope it will help me to see straight.
Hello, this feels really weird writing to someone I don't know. I am in a similar situation in fact I felt I was reading my own situation. I too have a 17 year old daughter and when she was smaller even though she couldn't put words on it, she could see that her father was fragile and emotionally absent. She always says that if we seperated she wouldn't worry about me but she would about him. She now chooses not to mention his drinking, but observes his irrationnel behaviour in silence. As she gets older we talk about it more and now it is a relief to me that I don't have to keep a façade. This problem is ongoing for many years. I also earn more and have been subject to wild threats, "you'll never see her again" but I know that she wouldn't let that happen. Anyway it wouldn't stand up in a divorce hearing. I have made excuses for him for the past 15 years, I have believed his promises of turning over a new leaf and it only gets worse. I am now at the end of my tether with him and don't know why I stay. I know hé will make life hell when I do leave. I left last year for 3 months, I lost 5 kilos, was so relaxed, looked 10 years younger and of course believed his crap when I returned home and hé had had time to think. He had an epiphany and said hé realised that blah blah..(a total turnaround) for a few months we were like new lovers and now it has turned back to the old usual. His brother who is much older is in a similar situation, his wife is a very strong, financially indépendant woman but stays with him. I am very slow and naïve. I enable his drinking, making excuses for him etc..but now little by little I can see it is having more and more effect on him and in fact people are noticing his changes in humour, his nervousness, his agitation, his agression ..We also have house etc which we spent a lot of time and money renovating, hé constantly reminds me of how much work hé put in to it and that I owe him..but now I don't care at what cost, I have to get out..
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by FeelingStuck79
Thanks. I am increasingly feeling that us separating might be the only thing that could push him into recovery
If it were just the two of us then I would just try and get him to leave (it's only my name on the tenancy so he couldn't stay here while I moved out) and weather the storm if he got difficult about it. But I can't expose a child to that can I?
Think hard about this. And perhaps check out the Adult Children of Alcoholics section of the forum here if you have any doubts about the effect it's having, even on a very young child: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...holic-parents/
You could look at the Family Members of Alcoholics and Addicts section too: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ters-siblings/
You are doing your child no favor by staying in this marriage.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 10
Carz - sorry to hear you are in a similar position. I hope you can manage to find a way of getting out of the situation you are in. I can completely understand why you went back after his "epiphany" but from what you say, you were actually happier in that time when you were without him. I wonder all the time if I would be the same.
honeypie - yes, I understand what you're saying about not using it as a tool for recovery. I think what I meant is that the status quo clearly isn't working, so maybe something else would. But I wouldn't be doing it mainly for that reason. I hope that he could get sober, but it isn't something I'm counting on. As for our child, I suppose my major concern is that at the moment I am able to minimise the damage, helped by the fact that he isn't a "smash the house up" drunk and largely just falls asleep. It still isn't great to expose a child to I agree, but it feels preferable to the shouting, aggression, upheaval etc. that would doubtless come if we separate. Although I suppose at least it would (hopefully) be short term? I'm just terrified of not knowing what is best for my child. If my husband does decide to cut us out of his life then I can't help thinking that would be even more damaging? But I don't honestly know.
honeypie - yes, I understand what you're saying about not using it as a tool for recovery. I think what I meant is that the status quo clearly isn't working, so maybe something else would. But I wouldn't be doing it mainly for that reason. I hope that he could get sober, but it isn't something I'm counting on. As for our child, I suppose my major concern is that at the moment I am able to minimise the damage, helped by the fact that he isn't a "smash the house up" drunk and largely just falls asleep. It still isn't great to expose a child to I agree, but it feels preferable to the shouting, aggression, upheaval etc. that would doubtless come if we separate. Although I suppose at least it would (hopefully) be short term? I'm just terrified of not knowing what is best for my child. If my husband does decide to cut us out of his life then I can't help thinking that would be even more damaging? But I don't honestly know.
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 10
I'm going down to my parents' house now to pick up my child. I'm thinking I might tell them that I'm considering separating. I don't really want to but I think that saying it out loud will help me go through with it.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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FeelingStuck, please do as I suggested and take a little side trip to those other 2 areas of the forum. I think you'll find it eye-opening. Staying together "for the kids" is just about as helpful as "leaving to force him into recovery."
NO ONE can be FORCED into recovery. It has to come from within. Addiction cannot be reasoned away or loved away. If that was the case, this forum would not exist.
NO ONE can be FORCED into recovery. It has to come from within. Addiction cannot be reasoned away or loved away. If that was the case, this forum would not exist.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi FS, it's usual for a partner to feel they will have major financial problems after a split, however many find that they are either better (not subsidising freeloader) or that it's less stressful and well worth it.
I'm not familiar with the laws in the UK re spousal support, but rather than speculate, perhaps you should visit a lawyer and get the facts? Then at least you know where you stand and what you can and can't do.
It would be worth putting together a diary and other evidence like texts, recordings, photos, to support your claim that he is unable to care for your son. This would go some way towards countering any threats he might make of going for custody.
Please consider the effect his being 'horrible' is having on you and possibly your son, who will be aware of it. I feel that you are downplaying it, as we tend to do when we get used to something, but it will be taking a huge toll on you. You may only realise how much when it stops for good.
If you do decide to leave, be ready for promises, begging, threats and abuse. Its also common for the A to stop drinking for a while to prove they can do it. If you return and the urgency and motivation die down the temptation proves too strong. At least a years proven sobriety would be a minimum before you can believe what he says. Promises don't count, ever.
I'm not familiar with the laws in the UK re spousal support, but rather than speculate, perhaps you should visit a lawyer and get the facts? Then at least you know where you stand and what you can and can't do.
It would be worth putting together a diary and other evidence like texts, recordings, photos, to support your claim that he is unable to care for your son. This would go some way towards countering any threats he might make of going for custody.
Please consider the effect his being 'horrible' is having on you and possibly your son, who will be aware of it. I feel that you are downplaying it, as we tend to do when we get used to something, but it will be taking a huge toll on you. You may only realise how much when it stops for good.
If you do decide to leave, be ready for promises, begging, threats and abuse. Its also common for the A to stop drinking for a while to prove they can do it. If you return and the urgency and motivation die down the temptation proves too strong. At least a years proven sobriety would be a minimum before you can believe what he says. Promises don't count, ever.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by FeelingStuck79
trailmix, there are definitely underlying mental health issues. He's been through a certain amount of counselling and has been referred to local well-being services but nothing really seems to get moving (to be fair, that is not all his fault as things move very slowly over here when it comes to getting help with mental health). I feel very sorry for him and do believe he is genuinely struggling, but I'm not sure that is the right reason to stay married to someone for the rest of your life.
even though he spent the moving day completely drunk and incapable and I had to do it all myself. Looking at it written down it seems ridiculous. And in the year since then there have been some bright spots, which I have clung on to and probably made bigger than they are (in reality it's probably not been wonderful, just normal, which feels wonderful from where I'm standing!)
Not least because the things he has said to me are getting into my head and I am starting to think maybe he's right, maybe I am the unpleasant and controlling person he thinks I am. But even if he's right, that still doesn't mean I should stay with him, does it?!
This is dangerous territory. You are starting to question who you are based on what he is saying! This will chip away at your self-esteem and confidence faster than you can run out the door if you let it.
As for your child. You can keep him/her in this environment but I guarantee you it won't turn out well, you cannot control the damage it will do, it is impossible. No amount of covering for daddy sleeping all the time and Mommy hitting him in frustration and Daddy telling Mom how worthless she is can be patched up by any amount of therapy.
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