RoyalBlue

Hi, I’m new to this forum. I’ll try to make it snappy.
My significant other has been sober 8 yrs. if my memory serves me right. Recently, following 2 moves in the last year, his behavior has changed. He is VERY short tempered and every little thing I do makes him agitated or angry. He has an extremely low tolerance level for anything, but the majority of it is aimed at me. It can be something as simple as being upset that on a hot summer day I didn’t start dinner in the morning so the kitchen isn’t hot in the evening or deciding to not answer me when I ask him a question. I really hate it when he ignores me in that way. Last night when we were playfully bantering (not unusual and in the past has been fun for both of us) it took a turn for the worse and he yelled at me that my brain is F’s up. I was really hurt.
Could this be symptoms of being a dry drunk? He has always worked his program though recently with the latest move has not.
Thank you

ScaryTime

Has he relapsed? I find this behavior synonymous with someone who is actively drinking... but then what do I know, my AH has been sober 7 months and still has tendencies to bah ave this way sometimes...
good luck and I’m so sorry you are going through this.

RoyalBlue

I was previously married to an alcoholic about 6 years ago who has never attempted recovery and is still very active, so unfortunately, I have a little experience.
I do not believe that my S.O has relapsed; I think its possible that with all the moves and the stress that comes with it he hasn’t done his meetings like he always has in the past. With my EX I could smell the booze; I don’t smell any on him.
And then there is me...I was never regular with Alanon, so I’m not working a program either and this is really getting to me. I need to get to a meeting, too.

RoyalBlue

I have to add, I’m just as angry with myself because I haven’t had these feelings in a long time and prayed I never would again. Well, here are those old ugly codependent feelings raring their ugly heads!

dandylion

RoyalBlue…….makes me think that he is getting ready for a relapse...….if he hasn't already...…
How do you know that he has been sober for 8yrs...? Have you known him for the 8yrs?
I am not saying that he is lying...because I don't even know him....
I have known a lot...a lot...of alcoholics...both recovering and not recovering...and I know that embellishing the amount of "sober time" is not at all unusual....

RoyalBlue

Not drinking yet, but I believe he is on the fast road to relapse. The dry drunk behavior is driving me insane. I went to my first Alanon meeting in this new city I now live in; it was good and perhaps better than I remember when I last attended years ago. I plan on going again on Thursday to this same group.
When I first met him he fudged his sobriety telling me it was more years by cutting out the one relapse he had; however, now he truly has had 8 consecutive years because I've been to his birthday celebration at his home AA group. I think he has just become too comfortable thinking he doesn't have to work the program like he use to. He was unhappy I felt I needed to attend a meeting this evening but understood. I told him I'm going to fall apart and lose it if I don't start working on myself. I'm trying!

NYCDoglvr

When an alcoholic stops drinking it's important to get in a program, like AA; therapy is also called for. The person who once drank will drink again if they don't change. Remember, alcoholism is a mental illness and it is treatable, but only if the recovering alcoholic is willing. I'm glad you're jumping into Alanon, it was a huge support when I was in the throes of a disastrous relationship. It enabled me to grow and change self-sabotaging behavior.

RoyalBlue

Oh my gosh...with his behavior right now, I can't even imagine the monster he would be liquored up! He knows he needs to go to meetings to stay healthy. I love him and his daughter, but I won't stick around if he doesn't maintain sobriety. It makes very clear to me the importance of being able to care for myself and solidifies my choice to go back to school.

AnvilheadII

maybe it is nothing more than the 2 moves in a year that have him unsettled and off balance? not every mood swing is an indicator of potential drinking.

right now it is his BEHAVIOR that you are dealing with.....how he is treating you, talking to you. you can give him space, which in turn gives YOU space, and also stand up for yourself if he's hurling insults.

trailmix

Please don't ever let anyone speak to you this way. You are in your situation and you know best how to approach him and I don't mean you necessarily want to poke the bear when he is at the height of anger but that kind of comment deserves follow up in my opinion.

A simple - you said this to me the other night, don't ever speak to me like that again - is sufficient, is that something you would normally do, the follow up discussion?

RoyalBlue

We talked about it and he apologized (something my exAH would NEVER do in a million years). He recognizes he has been difficult to live with and is making the effort to address it via meetings.
I'm sure that behaviorally things won't be better for a little while and I understand. The load has been great and just became great with the passing of his dad a couple of hours ago. I will work on myself, be understanding and have compassion and grace as he goes through this hard time.

trailmix

Good to hear.

Sorry to hear about his Dad, that's terrible news for both of you. Your support will surely help him get through this.

Call me cold-hearted but don't let this be an excuse for anymore poor treatment, there is never a reason for it that is good enough.

Take care of yourself

Berrybean

I hope he accesses the meetings in your new area soon and gets stuck back in to his recovery program. Like they say in meetings,we should keep coming back because that 12-step works when we work it. I know what I'm like if I miss my regular meetings and don't have contact with other AAs. Restless, irritable and discontent is a 'nice' way of putting it.

BB

atalose

Don’t fall into that endless pit of making excuses for his behavior. Poor life coping skills on his part does not equal poor treatment towards you, EVER.

And understanding and compassion on your part does not equal being a door mat to his poor coping skills or verbally abused.

It was good that you spoke to him about what was bothering you.

maia1234

I am sorry that after 8 years of his sobriety that you are back in this situation. This never ending disease, never ceases to amaze me.

Hugs my friend, work your program.

Leana

A couple of thoughts. 1. He relapsed. 2. Early dementia or other form of mental illness. One of the first signs of dementia is that agitated state. Anxiety, irritability, blame, etc. Another sign is change in mood at sundown (an unexplained phenom of dementia) Mood usually changes to mean.

Mango212

Al-anon is one important component of helping me heal.

One thing I'd suggest looking at more closely is the emotional abuse. It's every bit as damaging as physical abuse and often much harder to recognize how bad it is. Local domestic violence help centers can be a great resource in dealing with this.

How are you doing?

Riverbend

Could be or could be something else is off in his life. One of my exes never drank but he started treating me this way but later found out he had a new girlfriend. Not saying that is it, but there is usually some reason why people suddenly change their behavior.