He is about to leave rehab, seems distant.
 

Hi, I have a couple of threads in here detailing my story but basically my friend is about to leave rehab next week ( we have been more than friends at times). We were very close and he would ring and Text me several times a day. He relapased in June and went into rehab. He rang me Saturday morning for a few minutes, it was great to chat to him but he seemed a bit distant. I know from reading some stuff in here that this can be normal. I text him last night and he said he wasn't contacting anyone untill he gets out, which I was confused about after he'd rang me, seemed quite angry. I was bit taken aback, so I suppose I'm asking should I expect more of the same now? He mentioned his new friends in rehab and how they are in a group chat thing etc so I expect he will lean on them naturally. I know it sounds selfish but I'm guessing I'm going to be taking a backseat and not hearing from him as much? I'm trying to tread carefully whilst at same time just being myself and not too formal or strange about it. Any input would be welcome. It's a long distance friendship aswell which adds to my fear of it fading.

Learning to live without one's go-to coping mechanism for the first time is devastating. Do not underestimate this. It may be a long time before he figure out who he really is without it. And if he is truly committed to recovering, it's going to take all of his energy and focus to succeed.

I can only imagine how devastating it is and how he will be learning how to communicate with everyone in a new way again.

Yes, everyone including--if not first and foremost--himself.

Glenjo…...if he retains his sobriety...long-term....by long term I don't mean weeks or months...I am talking years......he will not be the same person that he was before sobriety.....
Long distance relationships have a very low survival rate, in general.....I think you can assume that you have only known the tip of an iceberg.....

I'm sure I have only known the tip of the iceberg. That said long distance relationships can work if both want it.

Biggest lesson of all to communicate with himself.

Are you making an assumption of his anger based on a text message where he said he was not contacting anyone until he gets out? It sounds like he rang you on Saturday and chatted for a short period of time but seemed distant. Maybe your feeling of him being distant is making you feel scared of losing the friendship/more and feel the need to secure your status in his life.

It’s a confusing time for both of you right now. His focus has to be on himself and his sobriety and there may be no room for a distant friend/more on any kind of a regular bases. You seem to want more and you want to offer more but you may have to support him by respecting the boundaries he sets for himself and the distance he may need.

I would say yes the feeling of him being distant is feeding into the fear of loosing the relationship. It's so confusing for both at moment, but I suppose I will have to wait and see. I've been learning a lot about boundaries and for sure I will chat with him about these and go from there. I could be worrying about nothing but would like to be prepared.

Your "friend" just looked at you as a sex object and has moved on. The best thing you can do is follow path.

I doubt it. He's ringing next week lol. But thanks for your positivity.

Really all you can do is wait and see. How frustrating is that?

He is, obviously, not behaving the way he has in the past and with good reason. He has changed. That's tough on your relationship for sure but he is different and hopefully will remain different - for his sake.

Have you ever been in a high state of mental anxiety? When a person is it is all but impossible to take on any more, that means other people, situations. It's like your coping mechanisms are focused on your own well being and you don't have room for more.

I would suspect that recovery can be somewhat like that and that may be where he is at.

Is this ideal for you? No way, not even close but it is the way it is for the foreseeable future. You have probably depended on each other for some time, shared a lot. Since that has now changed you too will have to grab some coping mechanisms for yourself.

How are you doing? It's been a few weeks are you more settled or do you ruminate about this all the time?

I think when that fear sets in about losing them we tend to grab on harder which just pushes them farther away.

It’s best to not have any expectations right now about anything and especially a future with him. He’s not going to be able to reassure you of something he may not even know himself.

Maybe before you chat with him about boundaries, discuss here on SR what kind of boundaries are you seeking for yourself. Sometimes we mix up rules and boundaries.

There was something you said in an earlier thread

that set off alarm bells in my head.

I don't know if you're still in school or what, because I can't conceive of a life where I would have enough time to talk to somebody five or six times a day.

I'm going to suggest that the empty spaces in your schedule could be filled with something else that gets you closer to achieving the dreams you have. What makes you want to get up in the morning? What adventures do you want to have under your belt fifty years from now?

It's got to be a bit more than find a husband and start a family, because honestly, that can be a bit out of your control. What you can control are the things that you do for yourself, the dreams that you want to pursue. The ironic thing about this is that if you work on yourself, you become way better in figuring out what you want in a relationship.

I'm in my late forties, but I remember being in my twenties and wasting way too much time for guys/friends that needed a lot of work because I wanted to be nice and I didn't want to be judgmental. What I didn't realize then is that time is a limited resource, and the time I spent being with a person who didn't want to commit wholeheartedly to a relationship, romantic or otherwise, was time that I could have spent with my true blue friends, family and/or myself.

One thing's for sure, the older you get, the less patience you have for that kind of push/pull shenanigans.

I'm doing ok, bit better than I was, still ruminate at times and miss him more than anything else I suppose. What you said about being in a state of high anxiety is really appropriate. That's how he seemed on Saturday when he rang very anxious, as is to be expected. He has to look after himself for now I get that, so really realising that everything has changed is still only settling in.

No expectations is a good idea and it almost feels like I'm starting to finally resign myself to the fact we may not be in each other's life as much. Thanks I will discuss my boundaries in here first, not sure what ones are helpful just now.

I know what you mean. The push pull shenanigans do wear thin, and there is an age Gap here as well, so that is a factor. I'm a mature student now and work part time, ironically I'm studying counselling (couldn't make it up). Still goes to show that we are all human and need help.

Well, if nothing else this will enable you to have compassion for those that come to you for counselling. Not saying you are not compassionate but you have now walked in their shoes.

Here's a thought. First of all, if you had someone in counselling and they told you your story, what would you advise?

Secondly, have you pondered that if you were in a relationship with someone else how much that might bring to you? In a healthy relationship there is give and take. People don't disappear for weeks with no contact, they don't belittle, they don't rage they don't insult or make you fearful.

You sound like a nice, thoughtful person, is this the partner you want?

Thanks for the compliment. I know what you mean, who knows if he does the work on himself he might be different in the future but for not it may be time for me to take my own life back and if we come together again all the better. Sounds good anyway but actually doing it is the thing. As for what I would advise someone who came to me, its nondirective counselling so we let clients come up with their own solutions (person centred), but any ongoing emotional or physical abuse would not be tolerated. I know, I know!

Hey, it may seem hypocritical but the thing is you do know and that's huge. We don't all solve problems at the drop of a hat and it's a learning experience too, sometimes we have to do that.

If you decide to distance yourself completely, if you decide to remain just friends, if you decide to continue the relationship, this self examination of what your needs and boundaries are is a great thing for you going forward, regardless of how your current relationship goes.

Short story here. I was in a relationship that was totally unhealthy (for lack of a better term). Knew it, we broke off, away he went. Now I was realllllllly depressed over this, panicky, sad, I mean it was dark. I think, in retrospect, there were a lot of other issues with ME there, but anyway, I said "short".

I said, come back here and stay with me and let's look at this. Ok, person comes back and it's kind of - not really - ok for a while, then it is so totally not ok. Now I knew this, but I needed to see it through and I did and that was that.

Anyway, that's where i'm coming from.