QuietlyTired

Hello. I hit a computer glitch earlier so This may have posted already but I could not find it. I’ll do my best to not ramble, but I’m a newbie so please bear with me..
I am the spouse of a “functioning” alcoholic. We’ve been together for six years. I drank maybe three times in my life before I’d met him and never hung out with the partying crowd. So I guess it was that lack of awareness or just downright naivety that didn’t let me know I was involved with an alcoholic or really notice how many times he was drunk or drinking when we were together. He always hid it. The last two years have been especially rough, like living with a child. An annoying babbbling child who demands my full attention constantly. I can’t even sit in the other room alone for thirty minutes without him coming in and standing there staring at me or performing antics to get my attention. I don’t feel like a wife, I feel like a caretaker and roommate. I just need somewhere to vent to people who actually understand what it’s like. I’ve apprehensively told a few friends of his behaviors and the answers are always the same. Either oh I’m so sorry dear that’s too bad, and that’s all. Or divorce that loser this second, I can’t believe you put up with that and that’s all. They don’t know what it’s like. I don’t even know what I want... to stay with him and hope he finally get some it together or leave. It’s the same old story, when he’s not drinking much he’s really fun to be around. I think deep down I know I need to leave but I’m just not ready to actually do it yet... I do love him.

SparkleKitty

Oh my friend. Your choice of user name really hit home for me. When I was still dating my alcoholic ex-boyfriend, "quietly tired" absolutely summed things up. I know just how that feels. My XABF was a "performer" too. It was just so exhausting. I had not signed on to be his mom, or an ATM. I just wanted so badly for him to grow up already and be the partner I was so sure he had the potential to be.

You of course do not have to make any long-term decisions at this moment, but I am so happy you found us. You deserve support in this situation, and you will find it here, from a lot of folks who are or have been in your shoes.

One of the greatest things this site did for me and has done for so many others is provide insight into the family sickness of alcoholism. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is get educated about what you are really dealing with. For example--"functioning" is not a type of alcoholism, merely a stage. This beast is progressive, and left untreated, it will continue to get worse. This could be the best he ever is, unless he chooses recovery.

Another thing I learned here were the three C's: I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it, and I can't Cure it. His addiction (and his potential recovery) is up to him. There are no magic words to get someone else stop drinking. At the end of the day, the only thing we can really do is take care of ourselves (whatever that means for each individual). We get nowhere fast by hinging our peace and happiness on the hope that someone else will change their behavior.

I hope you'll stay around, and especially, that you'll read the stickied threads at the top of the Friends & Family of Alcholics forum (that's this one you're in now). They contain a wealth of experience, strength and hope for those living with another person's addiction.

Maudcat

Hi, QuietlyTired.
Welcome, and glad you found us.

Michsm

You have come to the right place, this board has helped me in my journey.

QuietlyTired

Thank you all for your replies. Sparkle kitty, you are absolutely right, it is mentally and emotionally exhausting. I feel almost guilty that I’ve been looking forward to a trip he is taking soon. One week alone, one glorious week. I’m relishing the thought of coming home to a quiet house that’s just as clean as when I left it. But I will say one thing, as far as feeling guilty and like it is my fault, I feel 0% responsibility for his actions. I’m sorry to see in my reading the past few years to see how many people think it’s their fault that their alcoholic drinks. It’s unfortunate that poor choices lead to an illness that then effects so many other people.

Raindrops

I was "quietly tired" for 5 years with my ex AH. He was and still is highly functioning. But the antics behind closed doors left me speechless and wondering if I married a 5 year old kid. I can so relate to all the calling my name out if I was I a different room for half an hour. He wanted me next to him at all times. Wake up when he woke up. Sleep when he slept. Sit right next to him and watch tv the whole weekend while he recovered from his hangovers. I had no life. I was a babysitter. I can relate to every single thing in your post. Stay here. Read all the stickies and links at the top. Go to al anon. It will help a lot.

Hugs

dandylion

Quietlytired…...you didn't mention whether you and your husband have discussed his drinking and the impact on your marriage....or whether he is willing to go into a treatment program of some sort....AA, therapy...rehab...?

QuietlyTired

Yes! Yes to everything. He wants me to mirror him, watch tv when he does, go to bed with him, he lacks any grace or subtlety. If I start to fall asleep before him he makes sure I’m not going to sleep soundly. When I try to go out with the few girlfriends I have he either accuses me of secretly going out with a man or not wanting to be around him...which isn’t all together untrue, but it should be acceptable for your spouse to see their friends now and then without you. I’m nervous to go to alanon. I looked, there’s a group a mile away, but I don’t want to see someone I work with, maybe that’s just being prideful, but I would feel so embarrassed. Twice I went there, stood in the entrance and looked at The pamphlets but got nervous and left.

QuietlyTired

About six months ago we had a heart to heart and I said I was done, I gave an ultimatum of six months out. Of course I didn’t follow through, or I would have left him two months ago. I’ve snooped through his phone where he talks to his friends and says he even understands that and why his wife wants to leave him. So I just don’t get how one second he can Get it but the next still pretend to be oblivious!? Almost a year ago he quit for a week. He went to the drs, got some pills to help with the detox, I babied him and cared for him through the vomit and shakiness and then he went right back to it. It’s sad he still says he has intentions to quit but now I no longer believe him. He won’t go to al anon because he’s an atheist, I told him to go to smart recovery instead, but no luck from what I can tell. His friend sends him Benny’s that he claims are to help him quit drinking but surprise, that’s not true either.

Mightyqueen801

I agree with the others that QuietlyTired is a brilliantly apt expression.

Shows you have your creativity. Everyone needs to nourish their creativity, especially when under the stress caused by this disease.

Mightyqueen801

I found this board years ago, thought (twice) that I was done here and didn't need to come back, and yet here I am.

It's a place of understanding and nonjudgmentalism.

FeelingGreat

Hi QT, I was wondering, can you control his behaviour when he's under the influence, or are you putting up with him pestering you because you don't want to hurt his feelings? You can't stop him drinking, but are you able to perhaps go to another room and tell him not to follow, and say it again more forcefully if he ignores you?
If that's possible, maybe you could set a boundary that you won't spend time with him when he's drunk? I'm thinking of your peace of mind, not a way to punish him for drinking or force him to stop. It's not a permanent solution, but it might give you some relief.
He, like many As, isn't taking you seriously about leaving, and he's called it correctly for the first ultimatum. When you're ready you'll just go, not force him into becoming sober to make you stay. It seldom works.

Raindrops

Yup- it was always his needs. My husband even accused me of marrying him for money once I started becoming more independent and doing things that were not on his schedule and his needs.
It got abusive pretty quick. Draw your boundaries and stay firm please. These are not traits that they show before marriage. If it does ever get to the point where he starts to break you down ( condescending remarks , comparing constantly with other people) ---- you will need to stand in your truth , know that none of this is about you and do what you need to do to save your sanity. Alcoholics and abusers are very crafted at isolating their spouses. Maintain your friendships and stay tight with your family. My ex ah was at one point trying very hard to turn me against my family. He would get angry if I was talking to my mother on the phone and did not answer his call when he would call. It all stems from insecurity and a need for constant attention .

CodeJob

Welcome to SR!

I had looked up Al Anon meetings around me a number of times over the years. I was even invited and declined by a very sweet and intuitive work friend. When I finally did get the bravery to go to my closest meeting, it was not a good match for me. I found one in another zip code with a different mix of folks worked better for me.

I rarely spoke at Al Anon meetings. I think the most powerful thing for me was knowing I was not alone. I will also vouch that the people there were kind and not there to report on instagram who was showing up and who was too chicken hanging in the parking lot...

Have you considered a counselor? I eventually did a lot of that and it really helped me deal with my situation.

Maudcat

Hi, Quietly.
Al-Anon can be a game changer for those living with an alcohol addict.
Lots of support and understanding.
Just knowing that there are others coping with the ramifications of alcohol fueled behavior is enormously helpful.

dandylion

Quietly Tired.....Here is the link to our library of over 100 excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones. You can read and digest one every single day.....lol....
(they are contained in the "stickies", just above the threads)…..

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

It sounds as if he is trying to isolate you....which is the first strategy of a controlling and possibly abusive person.....regardless of alcohol.....

Consider that those in alanon have suffered and experienced the same kinds of feelings that you have, in relationship with alcoholic. The meetings are supposed to be confidential.....
You m ight, also, consider going to a private counselor.....
A person needs a support system when going through what you are going through....
You are going to need to put your own welfare first, at some point....because if you don't...who else is going to? Don't ever expect an active alcoholic to...because they can't even take care of their own welfare....

Bernadette

Hi QuietlyTired and welcome

I looked, there’s a group a mile away, but I don’t want to see someone I work with, maybe that’s just being prideful, but I would feel so embarrassed. Twice I went there, stood in the entrance and looked at The pamphlets but got nervous and left.

I have totally been in those shoes! I was in my twenties and OMG so embarrassed and ashamed to be going to an AlAnon meeting. It takes courage, just like it takes courage for an alcoholic to go to AA. Because it does represent the start of something bigger, a choice, even if it's a baby step, to stop the hiding and lying, to get honest about reality. And, as all of us who have loved As know, we have been isolated and "in-training" so to speak to continue to live a lie, because their addiction has to build a web of deceit to keep feeding itself. We get snared in that web, it is no small foe. So taking that step is really scary I know.

I am always amazed and still learning in myself how quickly I will assume that others are judging me harshly. When, if I was in an AlAnon meeting and someone I knew from work came in I would feel nothing but compassion for that person, and joy and hope that they had found the oasis and the great resource that AlAnon is. And that it would be enough to just smile warmly at them, and just be present each in our own need for guidance and help with a loved one's alcoholism. No shame, no blame.

When my Dad finally called the number my Mother had given him years earlier, and a 12th stepper came to pick him up and take him to his first AA meeting, he told me he was shocked that it was a guy he went to high school with. They went and had coffee and went to a meeting. It doesn't happen in a snap but my father did acknowledge that it was such a relief to stop being ashamed and hiding, realizing he was not unique or special, that others had walked this path and that he could no longer pretend there were no answers for his drinking problem! In fact, all that pretending and shame was the addiction working OT to keep him sick.

Spending time with my uncomfortable feelings, like shame, and trying to create some space around them so they are not like "frozen" or hard, y'know they can just be there, like oh OK hi old familiar shame feeling I see you still live in this house, well I'm stepping out for a bit -- because I can't just wish bad feelings away NOR wait for them to go away before I act in my own best interest so I have to step forward with the feelings or in spite of the bad feelings.

And then amazingly each step forward diminishes the power those feelings have over me. New muscles get built and flexed and...well there you have it suddenly there is a light and a path and freedom, even with the acknowledgment of the difficult feelings, even in the discomfort...does that make sense?

Anyway AlAnon was key in turning my head around about alcoholism and how to deal with my A brothers and the damage from my childhood with an A Father and codie Mom.

Glad you're here. That was a choice you made, a choice that let's some light in and let's you know you are not alone and there is hope and help!
Peace,
B.

qtpi

I understand how you feel about going in to your first Alanon meeting. If the first one isn't a good fit, try a second one. A good counselor helped me. I was there. I understand feeling stuck. I also understand thinking eventually he will get it- he will see that he has to stop. If you read about alcoholism you can learn more about why that may not work out that way. My XH also tried to isolate me and he snooped. I felt very disloyal telling a friend I was thinking of leaving. I also felt disloyal leaving, but I did not want to be with someone who abused and neglected me- it didn't matter any more if it was because of the disease of alcoholism. Just quitting for a week is not enough as you found out. And it's not effective that you were his nurse either. If you go to Alanon you will get some tools to help you!

atalose

Al-anon is not for the drinker but for the family and friends of alcoholics, al-anon or smart recovery would be for you not him.

When you feel embarrassed to be scene at al-anon by people you may know, remember they are there for the same reason you are, alcoholism is also affecting their lives, you have a common ground, a similar situation. You are no better than them and they are no better then you.

They often switch addictions. Alcohol and benzo’s are a deadly combination.

Mightyqueen801

Certainly are. That's how my daughter nearly killed herself. Tequila and Xanax. She was in a stupor, unable to move, body temp lowered, and then she began vomiting blood. Fortunately, her roommate heard her puking and checked and got her to a hospital in time.

Two+ years later, she is working on her PhD and just gave a presentation at the university in Hong Kong--and while there, found the Hong Kong equivalent of an AA meeting and made a couple of sober friends.

I am grateful every day.