new to these forums, feeling guilt, need some support
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 5
new to these forums, feeling guilt, need some support
Hello,
I am new to this forum. I recently broke up with someone I loved and thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with...however things went sideways.
Were both in our 30s and when we first started dating he kept asking me if I did drugs, and I thought he was just trying to see if I did, in case he wanted a "good girl" stupid me it was a red flag.
We were together for 2 years and where to start...I want to heal. I come from a super straight laced family, I only drink socially, I've never tried drugs.
When I met this guy, we fell for eachother hard. Little did I know every weekend was going to be a party at someone's house. I didn't know he did cocaine until three or four months in. Call me codependent, I really thought I could help him. The first times it was around, I'd go to another room, or go outside, just to avoid. Everything went to hell last fall. He was drunk and doing cocaine and fell and broke a bone in his body. I spent the entire time in the hospital with him during the urgent care visit, but when it came to his surgery day (a different day), he claims he didn't want me to miss work *eyeroll*. I didn't go and I still regret it. His parents didn't make it because they didn't want to step on my toes. Thing is with me, I felt like he didn't want me there...at all...he said he just wanted his parents. So I tried to respect that, but I think deep down he wanted any support. but who knows. I feel so bad he had no one. I will always regret not just telling work I had to go for a few hours and make up the time later....but I didn't.
One time with his friends, his close friend told me he was worried about him. I brought it up to my bf after, and told him if he needed me please tell me and that his friends care about him (ok so that's a little weak with an addict) but his friend thought he was getting worse. When I told this it was like talking to a wall...he didn't give any response. He did that with me sometimes. Guess we weren't good at communicating.
After the accident, he couldn't work out and became a little more depressed. Him and I started to bicker more and I caught him in a lie. He went to his vehicle and told me he was buying soda because some of his friends were coming over. I knew there was soda in his kitchen so I knew he was going to pick up, I freaked out. I had enough of being lied to. The next day we decided to break up. After we broke up we hung out once again and feel like things were improving. We could have gotten back together BUT boom, I was offered a job in a new city and I had to break up and move. And now I feel super guilty and regret. I miss him like crazy. He didn't think I'd actually go. He made it clear earlier this year he didn't want me moving in and so I kind of felt like we weren't progressing (I could be called impatient but hey, I'm not in my 20s anymore).
After I moved, I found out he told someone close to me that he wanted to marry me. He never told me that. I don't know if it were a lie or what. I wanted to marry him. I don't want kids, but neither did he....he doesn't like responsibility. I saw him the last night I was in his town. He kissed me goodbye and said "well I guess you've already made up your mind about going". I kind of wanted to see him fight a little more but I also made the choice without his input and now I feel crazy guilty. Anyways....he seems more sad. The day I was driving to my new life (which is close to my family, 800 miles away from him) he told me he broke down. I think he's depressed. I feel responsible. I don't know who or what to believe anymore. We occasionally check up on one another. Problem was all his friends were single and partied hard, he wanted me and he wanted his life with his friends. I go back and forth with making the right decision. I feel kind of selfish. I feel like I regret things. They were doing these drugs only on weekends, even though I hated it he still continued even though I got mad many times. Our time together wasn't all bad. We went on a few fun trips together, we had our jokes, and time together. When he was just with me he wouldn't do the drugs but I always felt like I was too boring sometimes, who knows. Anyway.....I don't have any friends who have had similar experiences soooo thanks for listening
I am new to this forum. I recently broke up with someone I loved and thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with...however things went sideways.
Were both in our 30s and when we first started dating he kept asking me if I did drugs, and I thought he was just trying to see if I did, in case he wanted a "good girl" stupid me it was a red flag.
We were together for 2 years and where to start...I want to heal. I come from a super straight laced family, I only drink socially, I've never tried drugs.
When I met this guy, we fell for eachother hard. Little did I know every weekend was going to be a party at someone's house. I didn't know he did cocaine until three or four months in. Call me codependent, I really thought I could help him. The first times it was around, I'd go to another room, or go outside, just to avoid. Everything went to hell last fall. He was drunk and doing cocaine and fell and broke a bone in his body. I spent the entire time in the hospital with him during the urgent care visit, but when it came to his surgery day (a different day), he claims he didn't want me to miss work *eyeroll*. I didn't go and I still regret it. His parents didn't make it because they didn't want to step on my toes. Thing is with me, I felt like he didn't want me there...at all...he said he just wanted his parents. So I tried to respect that, but I think deep down he wanted any support. but who knows. I feel so bad he had no one. I will always regret not just telling work I had to go for a few hours and make up the time later....but I didn't.
One time with his friends, his close friend told me he was worried about him. I brought it up to my bf after, and told him if he needed me please tell me and that his friends care about him (ok so that's a little weak with an addict) but his friend thought he was getting worse. When I told this it was like talking to a wall...he didn't give any response. He did that with me sometimes. Guess we weren't good at communicating.
After the accident, he couldn't work out and became a little more depressed. Him and I started to bicker more and I caught him in a lie. He went to his vehicle and told me he was buying soda because some of his friends were coming over. I knew there was soda in his kitchen so I knew he was going to pick up, I freaked out. I had enough of being lied to. The next day we decided to break up. After we broke up we hung out once again and feel like things were improving. We could have gotten back together BUT boom, I was offered a job in a new city and I had to break up and move. And now I feel super guilty and regret. I miss him like crazy. He didn't think I'd actually go. He made it clear earlier this year he didn't want me moving in and so I kind of felt like we weren't progressing (I could be called impatient but hey, I'm not in my 20s anymore).
After I moved, I found out he told someone close to me that he wanted to marry me. He never told me that. I don't know if it were a lie or what. I wanted to marry him. I don't want kids, but neither did he....he doesn't like responsibility. I saw him the last night I was in his town. He kissed me goodbye and said "well I guess you've already made up your mind about going". I kind of wanted to see him fight a little more but I also made the choice without his input and now I feel crazy guilty. Anyways....he seems more sad. The day I was driving to my new life (which is close to my family, 800 miles away from him) he told me he broke down. I think he's depressed. I feel responsible. I don't know who or what to believe anymore. We occasionally check up on one another. Problem was all his friends were single and partied hard, he wanted me and he wanted his life with his friends. I go back and forth with making the right decision. I feel kind of selfish. I feel like I regret things. They were doing these drugs only on weekends, even though I hated it he still continued even though I got mad many times. Our time together wasn't all bad. We went on a few fun trips together, we had our jokes, and time together. When he was just with me he wouldn't do the drugs but I always felt like I was too boring sometimes, who knows. Anyway.....I don't have any friends who have had similar experiences soooo thanks for listening
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 184
Hi Aaliyah,
Each one of us on here understands the pain that you are feeling. Tonight, I’m also feeling it, too. Weekends are hard.
So, from what I read, your boyfriend used multiple substances. He made poor choices. Is that really what you want in your life? Do you want to be responsible for that?
Doing the right thing and the best thing for us hurts. Yeah, it really, really does. There is actually neuroscience that supports the hurt we feel and that need to have them back (check out Neuroinstincts on the web). I’m dealing with it tonight, too.
I’m glad you wrote. These boards got me through a number of very, very difficult days and nights and I still count on them from time to time.
Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself.
Each one of us on here understands the pain that you are feeling. Tonight, I’m also feeling it, too. Weekends are hard.
So, from what I read, your boyfriend used multiple substances. He made poor choices. Is that really what you want in your life? Do you want to be responsible for that?
Doing the right thing and the best thing for us hurts. Yeah, it really, really does. There is actually neuroscience that supports the hurt we feel and that need to have them back (check out Neuroinstincts on the web). I’m dealing with it tonight, too.
I’m glad you wrote. These boards got me through a number of very, very difficult days and nights and I still count on them from time to time.
Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Welcome to SR Aaliyah!
It sure sounds like an angel helped move you out of this situation with a new job!
Is there Al Anon groups where you live? This might be a nice way to meet new people who will well understand your grief and mental stickiness to this relationship.
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie is probably the best place to start. HoneyPig here used to copy sections from Beatties’s book, Language of Letting Go and I’m not sure if those were permanently linked, but you could search a few and it will give you a feel how Beattie’s honest writing can help you reassess your relationship. I carried this book in my work bag for about 3 years. I tend to get a little obsessive and reading a short passage often helped me stop the full wind up of worry and inability to concentrate.
. I’m also a fan of the Serenity Prayer....
How is your new job?
It sure sounds like an angel helped move you out of this situation with a new job!
Is there Al Anon groups where you live? This might be a nice way to meet new people who will well understand your grief and mental stickiness to this relationship.
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie is probably the best place to start. HoneyPig here used to copy sections from Beatties’s book, Language of Letting Go and I’m not sure if those were permanently linked, but you could search a few and it will give you a feel how Beattie’s honest writing can help you reassess your relationship. I carried this book in my work bag for about 3 years. I tend to get a little obsessive and reading a short passage often helped me stop the full wind up of worry and inability to concentrate.
. I’m also a fan of the Serenity Prayer.... How is your new job?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Midwest
Posts: 158
I agree that getting out of there was your best bet. Hanging out with people doing drugs and partying doesn't sound like its a lot of fun for you. You do not have any ties to him so enjoy your new city with your new job. He is on a path of destruction and do you really want to be part of that? You will find someone else to have good times with that doesn't do drugs plus being around that is putting you at risk for being arrested and who knows what else can happen around a bunch of people on drugs. Being in a relationship is give and take and if he knows it is important to you then why does he still do it?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Hi aaliyah08 and welcome.
I understand your guilt but I also think it's a bit misplaced?
You sound like a very compassionate person and that's a great attribute but it can also be taken too far. Feeling guilt about his surgery, for instance, that is well in the past. He told you to go to work and not to worry about it and you did. Realistically you have no reason to feel guilty.
As is said here often - action not words. He may have been thinking of asking you to marry him but he didn't. Not because you are not "the one" but because he can't commit to being a proper partner? To do so he would have to give up the drugs and get in to recovery.
While him partying all weekend may not seem like a huge drain on your right now, ffwd 10 years and it might seem different, is that the kind of married life you want?
Also, keep in mind that alcoholism is progressive. If he keeps using he won't always be how he is now. I think some distance and clear thinking time will be a benefit to you.
I hope your new job is great.
I understand your guilt but I also think it's a bit misplaced?
You sound like a very compassionate person and that's a great attribute but it can also be taken too far. Feeling guilt about his surgery, for instance, that is well in the past. He told you to go to work and not to worry about it and you did. Realistically you have no reason to feel guilty.
As is said here often - action not words. He may have been thinking of asking you to marry him but he didn't. Not because you are not "the one" but because he can't commit to being a proper partner? To do so he would have to give up the drugs and get in to recovery.
While him partying all weekend may not seem like a huge drain on your right now, ffwd 10 years and it might seem different, is that the kind of married life you want?
Also, keep in mind that alcoholism is progressive. If he keeps using he won't always be how he is now. I think some distance and clear thinking time will be a benefit to you.
I hope your new job is great.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
My ex-fiance partied a lot. I hated it. I finally put my foot down and would leave around midnight while he went on until 3 or 4 am. He said he wanted a partner that could stay up all night. Many of his friends were hard partiers too. There was one guy in particular who was particularly flush in cash as he had a career in technology.
My ex was going to move across the country, and I told him that I wasn't going to do the same unless we were married. So he proposed, and then he chickened out the day after the wedding invitations were sent. Looking back, I think he proposed to me so I would be willing to stay with him until he gathered enough courage to let me go.
When I met my current husband, we spent our weekends cooking dinner and going to movies. Sometimes we went to a party, but they never defined the life we had together. It was quiet, and our weekends were a reflection of him and me, not just him.
We eventually got married, and several years later I was at the supermarket waiting in the checkout line when I saw my ex's friend. This guy, who was supposedly doing so well when I was with my ex, was now working the cash register. We looked at each other, but couldn't say a word.
As for me, I was very much pregnant with my son.
My ex was going to move across the country, and I told him that I wasn't going to do the same unless we were married. So he proposed, and then he chickened out the day after the wedding invitations were sent. Looking back, I think he proposed to me so I would be willing to stay with him until he gathered enough courage to let me go.
When I met my current husband, we spent our weekends cooking dinner and going to movies. Sometimes we went to a party, but they never defined the life we had together. It was quiet, and our weekends were a reflection of him and me, not just him.
We eventually got married, and several years later I was at the supermarket waiting in the checkout line when I saw my ex's friend. This guy, who was supposedly doing so well when I was with my ex, was now working the cash register. We looked at each other, but couldn't say a word.
As for me, I was very much pregnant with my son.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 604
As hard as it seems, you did a very wise thing by taking the job. From all you wrote (and I realize it's just a condensation of a complicated story) it sounds like your XBF chose using over you. I'd let it alone if it were me, knowing that he had his good qualities but drug use is a dead end until and unless he wants help to stop. IMO there is no future in someone who chooses to use drugs.
You have your whole life ahead of you, it sounds like you may have a career path that will keep you independent, requires a good sound mind and judgment from you. Having an addict in one's life can upend your life in so many ways. Read more of the resources on this website, particularly codependency. Understand that no amount of LOVE will make a user stop. They have to want and do that on their own.
Wishing you a good and healthy life. You sound more than deserving.
You have your whole life ahead of you, it sounds like you may have a career path that will keep you independent, requires a good sound mind and judgment from you. Having an addict in one's life can upend your life in so many ways. Read more of the resources on this website, particularly codependency. Understand that no amount of LOVE will make a user stop. They have to want and do that on their own.
Wishing you a good and healthy life. You sound more than deserving.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
When I told this it was like talking to a wall...he didn't give any response. He did that with me sometimes. Guess we weren't good at communicating.
No not talking to a wall: talking to an addict.
You would need to get used to this stye of communication if you decided to be involved with this man. Because there is no genuine honest communication with an addict in active addiction. Their #1 goal at all times is to protect their usage, so if they have to shut down and be angry or sullen to deflect the attention thrown on their addiction they will; if they have to be lovey dovey and shower you with praise and romance to deflect attention from their drug of choice they will.
Read around the forums here and see the reality. You are free as a bird now, doesn;t mean the end of any relationship is easy, we all know it is not. Take care of your precious heart and your freedom, and whom you choose to share them with.
Peace,
B.
No not talking to a wall: talking to an addict.
You would need to get used to this stye of communication if you decided to be involved with this man. Because there is no genuine honest communication with an addict in active addiction. Their #1 goal at all times is to protect their usage, so if they have to shut down and be angry or sullen to deflect the attention thrown on their addiction they will; if they have to be lovey dovey and shower you with praise and romance to deflect attention from their drug of choice they will.
Read around the forums here and see the reality. You are free as a bird now, doesn;t mean the end of any relationship is easy, we all know it is not. Take care of your precious heart and your freedom, and whom you choose to share them with.
Peace,
B.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by trailmix 
I understand your guilt but I also think it's a bit misplaced?
You sound like a very compassionate person and that's a great attribute but it can also be taken too far. Feeling guilt about his surgery, for instance, that is well in the past. He told you to go to work and not to worry about it and you did. Realistically you have no reason to feel guilty.
I guess I've felt guilty about moving as well. I basically said I was leaving and I was gone...when I could have talked to him about my new opportunity more openly. I think I was a little fearful though. I also wished I had found this forum sooner, than I could have had someone to talk to about these things during our relationship. As you can tell I tend to beat myself up and I don't even know why I do this.
I will look into some of the resources that have been suggested; thank you all I appreciate everything. I know life can be good and I'm trying to kind of find out who I am because the last few months I had been withdrawn and kind of out of touch with who I am (a little scary feeling too).
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 61
I know from only reading that a lot of people feel guilt about the alcoholic in their life. You should feel no guilt. You offered to stay and he told you not to, you thought you were honoring his implied wishes. I don’t feel guilty about my husband, he got himself into this situation, I didn’t know it but he was addicted and a really good liar.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I don't know who or what to believe anymore.
Our confusion often comes from living in a fantasy land filled with if only’s and what if’s and potentials. There really is nothing confusing about reality it’s just that we don’t’ like it.
You made a healthy decision for yourself and your future. Remaining in contact with him even once and a while may not be good for your emotional health right now. It’s like the string that keeps you bound to him and cutting that string will free you and enable you to move forward.
Relationship ending are sad, they are painful and hurt and we need time to mourn the loss which we often cannot do if we are still attempting to have one with them. Two healthy people can decide together that a romantic relationship is not working and decide to be just friends and have that work for them. But someone who wanted marriage and a future with someone who just wanted to get high, it’s not going to work.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Aaliyah......the most powerful form of reinforcement, is, actually, intermittent reinforcement.....occasional reinforcement.....
You might find the following article interesting....
http://psychopathsandlove.com/interm...reinforcement/
You might find the following article interesting....
http://psychopathsandlove.com/interm...reinforcement/
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 5
I guess I seem to have put a lot of stock into what his friends said because I never knew what he was thinking, or feeling. So yes, I am the "morsel" girl.
I have stopped communicating and will change my number and get that going tomorrow. I need a new beginning like some have mentioned.
I have stopped communicating and will change my number and get that going tomorrow. I need a new beginning like some have mentioned.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
