Mightyqueen801

And it's not really something that preoccupies me all the time, but this board is the only place I know where I can say this out loud.

I used to post here quite a bit. Short version, alkie ex-husband, divorced him, got therapy; best friend was in recovery for seven years, then she relapsed and now she is dead from cirrhosis.

All that prepared me for the pinnacle of my dealings with alcoholism: My daughter, who did not touch alcohol while she was growing up for fear of being like her father, started drinking while in college and proved that she was indeed Daddy's Girl, descending down into drug and alcohol abuse in a few short years, particularly w hen she was living in Asia, until she had a near-suicide attempt, after which she was hospitalized and diagnosed as bipolar (I believe her father may be also, although he has never sought treatment for it.)

She is doing very well. Had one relapse last year, got back on track. She sees her psychiatrist, belongs to an active young people's AA group, and is working on her PhD.

Here's the childish part: After her relapse last November, she got a new sponsor and went to town working on her steps. She told me a bit about it here and there, and when she got to the "amends" part, I fully expected to hear something from her, but...crickets.

When she was drinking and using drugs in China, I knew something was wrong but I didn't know exactly what. This is when her bipolar began to manifest. Shortly after she got home, she moved to the city where she had gone to school and ended up in the hospital after consuming large quantities of Xanax and tequila. While she said that wasn't a conscious suicide attempt, she HAD been contemplating suicide because she couldn't control her mind anymore and that it was only a matter of time before she did it.

My heart was in my throat the entire time she was in China and then when she was hospitalized and began her recovery, so when she did her amends, I kind of expected an "I'm sorry I put you through that, Mom".

We have a good relationship and are very close, so it bugs me that she never said those words during her "amends" step.

Again, this might be just me being childish, or it might just be that she has no clue what it's like to be a mother and see your kid suffer (and she will not be having children, so she will never know.)

Anyhow, in the Grand Scheme of Things, it is not that important, and I am not asking for any advice, but I just wanted to tell somebody, and this is the place to do that. Thanks for listening.

Mango212

Amends is a journey. One of self-awareness, of discovery and layers of opening up to guidance from God and a sponsor.

One story of an AA amends I've heard looks very similar and yet different from another. Individual experiences vary just as much as individuals do.

My spiritual journey of healing from the effects of this family disease of alcoholism lead me into completely different amends than I ever imagined. It was opened up by prayer and layer by layer of trust in the process of the 12 steps.

Mango212

https://www.al-anon.org/

For friends and family who've had a problem with someone else's drinking.

As one family member is in a 12 step program (or not), trying out the program ourselves in Al-anon can give a whole new viewpoint to things.

Mightyqueen801

I don't do Al-Anon, but it can be helpful for many. I went for a time many years ago when I first had my now-exh carted out by the police, but by then I was done with the marriage and not looking to learn how to live with an alcoholic. Instead, I spent about 7 years in therapy to fix me, because obviously the holes in my head matched the rocks in his. A healthy woman would not have married him in the first place. I was SO codependent, but I thought that was the right way to be, that it was my job to take care of him.

Al-Anon was helpful, though, for the short time that I went, because as everyone went around the room telling their tales, I came to realize that they were all the same. Whether it was a husband, child, spouse, or friend, we were all talking about the same person with a different head and name because of the nature of the disease. That opened my mind to the fact that it wasn't just him and me having personality difficulties but that there were bigger things going on that had to be dealt with.

Anyway, at this point in my life, I am not interested in doing the 12-step thing again, although it undeniably has value for many, including my own daughter. There's just this silly little part of me that wants her to acknowledge that her illness affected me, but in the end, it's not vital to either our relationship or my life, and it's mine to deal with.

Mango212

There's just this silly little part of me that wants her to acknowledge that her illness affected me, but in the end, it's not vital to either our relationship or my life, and it's mine to deal with.


As with all things, more will be revealed. Many paths to healing.

My healing has taken beautiful, winding turns, finding support all around me as I look for it. I'm very grateful for all these footsteps, changes and new adventures.

As I let loose of the baggage of the past, I'm able to more fully enjoy each day.

There's many physical ways to let go of specific thoughts and emotions. One I've been using again lately is to write out in words what I'm letting go of, whether it's past events or emotions or thoughts of this day or the future, and then burn the paper. From the light of the flame to the smoke and ashes, these are honored and felt.

Whatever ways you find, healing from the inside out can be an intense ride. Ramping up self-care can be a very important component.

CodeJob

Oh MightyQueen,

I like your post. I think your daughter needs to be self focused to stay healthy. She may not have been able to handle her relationship with you in THIS cycle of 12 steps. You are her mother and it sounds like her rock as well. Many people return to the 12 steps again and again with a different focus. She may grow and mature and someday your amends might arrive on a day you least expect it and in a way you never thought your daughter capable of...

Think of it in the light of this story: when my son started to talk he immediately identified his dad as da and his daycare/basically grandmother as juju. For weeks and weeks his favorite toys were all called Dodge. But me? His mother? No word for me. That critter and I were pretty much inseparable when I wasn’t at work and my H spent most evening smoking and drinking in the garage. Where was my cutesy mommy or ma or momma? I was devastated each morning and night when he’d reach out his arms to me with no vocal name for me. But then it hit me, I was so important to him that I did not need a name. His arms reaching out and total trust in me WAS his calling out our relationship.

Think about some of the tough things you have done in your relationship with you daughter. I bet you’ve done some extra hard things to handle addiction and mental illness that are not in your typical Mother’s Day card. Your daughter may never fully get all that you have done for her and how heartbreaking some of it has been. It could just be too powerful for her to dig in to all you have sacrificed to name or call out right now. It is too elemental and scary to see how important you are to her. Take joy in where she is now and know that being her mom has made you mighty and strong in ways you never anticipated. Her success could be your amends, right? But HUGS to you and knowing how much the words really do mean a lot to us.

Mightyqueen801

^Thank you, CodeJob. That made a lot of sense to me.

Mightyqueen801

Thank you! That is something I have done in the past for other matters and could put to use here. Great suggestion.

Mightyqueen801

See? I knew this would be the place to go. Some great people here.

NYCDoglvr

She is doing something more important: a "living amends". It's when we make it up to someone we hurt while drinking by acting differently, as she has. I think it's more important than a bunch of words.

Berrybean

For my more important amends my sponsor told me that those people deserved a living amends. At the time it felt like I got off lightly, but of course, it isn't. A living amends lasts a lifetime, and it's something I'm conscious that I owe my mother especially. I remained aware of it for a 6 hour shopping expedition in a heat wave today. Stopped me griping too much. Lol.

BB

Mightyqueen801

Oh that goes without saying. This is all about meeeee, really.

Berrybean

7 months into her step work after her last recovery is pretty early days as well. Not only will she be still a little emotionally immature due to her alcoholic nature,chances are she is still pretty young anyway. I know that in my mid 40s a and over 4 years into recovery I'm still realising stuff every and adding to my inventories. If she hasn't brought it up and you want to talk about it, then you should bring it up. You say you're close. And it doesn't need to be done as a nag or a s old. You could just be open and honest and say that you were thinking back on the last year and remembering just how scared you were for her. The sleepless nights. The absolute terror that you might lose her. That you love he so much and she is so precious to you that what she was going through was one of the worst experiences of your life. You are allowed to tell her that you know.

God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

You can't change what she says about this, and you cant change her level of maturity and her ability to just know how you felt without having to be told. But you can change what you say about it, and you can help her to understand.

The other option is to wait til she is sponsoring someone and they go back out, despite her caring and doing what she can. It will give her just enough of that hopelessness and despair to help her along in understanding how you must have felt. But that could be some time yet.

Do you go to AlAnon, or have you tried it at all?

BB

dandylion

Mightyqueen…...I just want to say that I understand how your heart feels. I am a mother, also. No need to label your self childish... We are all entitled to want what we want...to feel what we feel...….even if we do have to accept certain realities....

Glenjo99

"The holes in my head, matched the rocks in his!" Profound! That really struck me. Be interested to hear more on what that means for you

RollTide

"The holes in my head, matched the rocks in his!" Profound! That really struck me. Be interested to hear more on what that means for you

I agree with Glenjo99...that is profound!

To me it means that his behavior was unacceptable in so many ways but I allowed it. I still struggle with that.

Mightyqueen801

It's not original! I heard it said as a joke years ago (a priest is marrying a couple and says they are perfect for each other because the rocks in his head match the holes in hers.)

What I meant by it was that with his inability to conduct his life responsibly because of his alcohol/drug/gambling addictions, I fit him perfectly because there I was with little self-esteem, ready and easy to fool into believing he loved me, and brought up to accept constant criticism and to think it was my job to take care of somebody else.

But...I'm better now.

Mightyqueen801

That's what sent me running for therapy. What the heck was wrong with ME that I allowed this to happen? Took 7 years to answer those questions. Then it's taken many more years to try to live differently. Years of self-exile from relationships because I believed that was the only kind that was ever going to be available to me.