stacey

Hi everyone! This is my first post. I have been looking through this site for a couple of days and find the support network you guys have going here really unbelievable. I haven’t suffered an addiction myself but found the site while searching for information to try and better understand my boyfriend’s. You seem like such an accepting bunch… (you can see a request for a favour coming up can’t you!) so I was hoping to get some advice…. Here goes!

I am in the early stages of a relationship with someone that I think is just amazing. We have great communication, understanding and are very happy together. We are both very deep thinkers and can sit up for hours just talking about the innermost workings of our brains! The only problem is that he has a pretty significant addiction to marijuana. He needs it to function daily, which gets his self esteem down because he hates being reliant on it. He has a history of depression and hard drug abuse, he doesn’t touch hard drugs anymore but the depression is still very present at times. It’s kind of this self-perpetuating cycle where his addiction causes him problems at work, with family, with relationships and with himself, but the only thing that gives him relief from it all is the escape of smoking. I feel so helpless because I care about him a lot but I know there is nothing I can say to make him feel better, apart from just being there. He knows that he should quit and that it is the cause of all these problems, but he doesn’t want to quit and the pressure from his family who are trying to make him just worsens his depression. So I’m stuck in the place at the moment where I want to encourage him to break the cycle and support him, but I don’t want to place pressure on him or make him feel like I want to change him. He is a really beautiful person in so many ways and I accept him as he is, but he recognises this problem in his life and I want to help without being pushy. So I’m seeking advice! Also another thing… As I said before, he hasn’t touched hard drugs since he went through a detox program a little while ago, but he has mentioned a couple of drugs that he might try again if the opportunity arose. Well he has been really down lately and this weekend he is going out with friends to a place where I know those drugs will be present and I’m really concerned. I’m not sure if he realises the seriousness of trying ‘just one more time’, but I am sure that given his current emotional state he will use, and then possibly fall off the wagon. Again… advice please! This is all very new to me!

Karivan

I'm sorry for this remark Stacey but.... RUN!!! Do not get involved with someone with those problems! Many of us have been where you are YEARS ago and now we're doing this...

Stacey, there is nothing you can do to stop him. You can't control him and you can't change him. All you will do is harm yourself trying. Find yourself someone without addiction problems. Life throws enough problems at us without putting that in the mix.

hope2bhappy

He's been through detox, he knows the pitfalls, he continues to smoke marijuana, he is considering trying a couple of drugs if they are available, and he is putting himself in an environment where they probably will be available. Stacey, I don't think your friend is even close to recovery yet. Nothing you do or say will change this.

I know you don't want to hear this, but a relationship with this guy is going to be one big heartache for you. You said the relationship was new. I agree with Karivan. Get out while you can -- before you are so deeply involved that you won't be able to. I'm sure he is a beautiful person, but there is nothing beautiful about being involved in a relationship with someone who is an addict.

sweeks

You might suggest a therapist. I dragged my husband to a marriage counselor a while ago because I was getting conerned about his drinking and our relationship.

If you're boyfriend is as depressed as he sounds he may be trying to self medicate. Perhaps he could benefit from some actual medication instead of booze and drugs? *shrug* so far the therapist has turned out great for me and my H. We're each seeing someone seperatley now and I actually look forward to my appointments.

Do what your heart tells you but I would recommend setting some boundaries now while things are fairly under control rather than trying to establish them later when everything is up in the air. Best Wishes!

missparis

im really not that ecperiennced with a boyfriend having an addiction but from my point of view you should honestly leave if it really affects your life if you think that he will stop you should stay and help him get through it if you love him as much as you say, but from the looks of things t doesnt seem at all like he will stop

-paris

andbackagain

I hate to add this advice too ... but RUUUUUNNNNNNNN!

I just finished reading a book where something hit me right between the eyes ... this is VERY loosely quoted ...

"attempting to have a fulfilling relationship w/ a person w/ a substance abuse issue is like co-existing with someone who never leaves the other room"

I read that same paragraph so many times there's probably a worn spot on the page .... Now what to do about it.

I think it's great that he's very nice otherwise .... but it's hard enough to untangle from a new relationship forget about an old relationship ...

Good luck.

Welcome.

And blessed be

t

frankly

I'm new to all of this but it seems to me that the drugs aren't the real problem. They are what our loved ones use to keep from facing what ever the real problems are. Now you are important to him. What happens when he falls deeper into this again (and it will happen) Do you really want to set yourself up for the pain that is to come? As much as I love my husband I look back now and if I had the chance to do it all again I'm sad to say I would walk away. It would have hurt a whole lot less to have done it then instead of 13 years and a lot of lonleliness and pain later. You can't help him. He is going down a road I have watched my husband go down time and time and time again. He is still smoking because he has justified it to himself (and you) that it isn't as bad. He is taking baby steps backwards. He still has not faced the demons inside of him that has made him turn to drugs in the first place. Run Run Run Run while you still can. Make a life for yourself that is worth living. My prayers are with you and I've even said a small one for him as well. :hello2 :hello2

brightlight

You are not tied to him. You have no children with him. Think of what they would have to go through! RUN! You have not put in the years and the pain. Why would you want to? RUN! Take this from someone whose husband says he has changed. Has a bottle of jack in the cabinet, bought a six pack and drank three before sitting down. Went to the bar across the street to shoot pool and would be right back. At 12:30 I joined in the insanity and went across the street to see him getting a hug from the bartender who when she saw me, threw her hands up and said it is nothing, my boyfriend is right over there, as she spoke her b**bs were bouncing in her very low low cut tee shirt. I turned and walked away and blah blah blah LOL I know it was a nothing hug, but still why am I living this nightmare? Had to put my money in my own bank account to keep it safe. He could spent $300 a month and still that would not be enough. Why why why didn't I run before marriage and kids??? RUN!

SJW

I'm sure you hoped to get more support from people on this board. The posts above are telling it like it is for them. Unfortunately, his love for drugs/alcohol will outshine anything he professes for you. If you are okay with that, then you need to realize what you are about to deal with. No matter what you may think now, you will never be able to change him. If he's not ready for it to really happen, it won't.

Your question should be to yourself: "Do I want to play second fiddle to booze or marijuana all my life?" Life should be about more than settling for second best. Will you learn from people who have made the wrong choice and regret it? You can make it work if you have to. Do you want to?

I echo the post that said that if she had it to do all over again, she wouldn't have married her husband. I've been married for over 31 years to an alcoholic. Life would have been so much different if I had made other choices. And in the end, it is your choice to stay or go. Just be realistic about what you are facing if you stay.

SJW

stacey

Thankyou so much to all of you for your honest replies! They were a bit of a rude awakening at first but i think that maybe that's what i needed. When i first started to read them i thought "oh, but it's not like that, its not THAT serious..." But i think i was in a bit of denial! Then i started to wonder if the real denial is me kidding myself into believing that if i continue to go down this path i won't be where you guys are in 3, 5, 10 or even 20 years from now. Frankly and SJW, you both mentioned that if you could have seen where your relationships were going in the beginning then you would have ended them to avoid the pain... ahh the beauty of hindsight... and it made me think that now here i am, actually in a position where someone who has experienced that has given me valuable advice, i guess it would be stupid not to heed your warnings! I've definately started looking more realistically at the relationship and doing a little re-evaluating. Without wanting to go too far into detail, there have been some really positive signs and really significant changes made by him this past week that indicate that he's starting to to pull himself out of this period of his life, not for me but for himself. I'm really encouraging of that but at the same time i'm now realising that there's no guarantees and if i continue with this, i cant do so in the hope that he'll change because he may never. At the moment I'm basically just offering support but at the same time working on my own self-esteem so that if i feel that this isn't the right place for me i will be strong enough to walk away.

Thankyou all so much for your advice, it has definately been taken on board. I wish you all health and happiness for the future!!

Cheers
Stacey