My mum is an alcoholic and doesnít care about me - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Old 07-13-2018, 04:35 PM   #1 (permalink)
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My mum is an alcoholic and doesnít care about me


Ok. So Iím new to this and posted this in the wrong bit so here we go again.
So basically Iím only still living with my mum because I am a student On a course which requires 50% full time work. I have two years left and the money I receive monthly does not cover a flat plus petrol and food etc. My mum is alcohol dependent yet apparently her doctor says she isnít. I donít even believe a word she says anymore though but Iím sure if someone feels the need to be drunk all weekend without a break (drinking in the morning as well) and drinking every night of the week (she only stops when I fall out with her but goes back as normal after a while). Iím just at a loss. I have no one. My dad died a few years back and he was bad with alcohol also, would have to pick his head off the computer desk etc cause he would just pass out frequently. I also donít have any siblings and because my mum is high functioning everyone just thinks sheís amazing. She thinks sheís amazing too, or at least tries to make folk think that, then goes to all self pity when I challenge her.
Her behaviour has even become abusive. For instance, she knew I was home and walking back and forward to the toilet etc which means I have to walk past the living room, yet still decided to do stuff with her boyfriend in the middle of the living room floor then came through to tell me her boyfriend was here AFTER I walked in on her.
I keep trying to distance myself from her and I know Iím old enough to move out but I genuinely canít afford it. In two years time once I qualify I will but Iím absolutely broken by they way sheís behaved and how I have no one. The rest of my family just think Iím spoilt when Iím angry with her, despite my auntie having backed me up at one point.
I literally resent her. If sheís not alcohol dependent like her doctor says, then that makes it worse because she simply just doesnít care about me at all then.
She also insists on me depending on her financially and around the house. I made a point of doing my own washing, dishes, clothes etc, and said I would pay £200 a month into her account just for bills as the mortgage has already been paid off. Ultimately she refuses, takes me washing and does them anyway. Then throws it all in my face when we have an argument which results in me becoming furious and just uncontrollably crying etc. Then when I bring up that I want to be independent she gives me all the ďitís just a mother wanting to help her daughterĒ and then I feel guilty.
Since a teenager Iíve lived with mental health issues - severe depression with traits of bpd. I now know where Iíve gotten it from as my mum appears to be narcissistic in her nature, always has, yet hides it from others (unless sheís drunk then it comes out). I never had emotional closeness which Iíve come to realise recently. Psychologists have always asked me what happened to me in my childhood and now itís all becoming clear that neither my mum or dad were emotionally available when I grew up.
Iím in so much pain with all this itís unreal. I suppose Iím only posting this to hopefully get a response which might help me feel less alone.
Thanks.
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Old 07-13-2018, 06:37 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Sadness, regardless of what the dr says, your mother displays all the characteristics of an alcoholic. Especially about being a master manipulater. I've always liked the the analogy that when you're talking to someone that is drunk you're really talking to the alcohol that is in control of her mind. The financial aspect of the situation is understandable but if her behavior starts to affect your ability to do your schoolwork what I your plan B? I recommend Alanon to you if things get unmanageable or even if they don't. Please take care of yourself because you didn't cause your mothers drinking, you can't control it or cure it. That's all on her. Best wishes and keep posting. There are wonderful people here that have been where you are and will be very supportive.
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Old 07-13-2018, 06:47 PM   #3 (permalink)
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You didn't post in the 'wrong' place. Newcomers is where many people start out, and then can be directed to other forums for special insight. The only wrong place is men in the womens forum or women in the mens forum.
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Old 07-13-2018, 07:04 PM   #4 (permalink)
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sadness...Welcome!
Have you thought of renting a room with someone in exchange for services....like, perhaps, a person who has special needs or an older person who needs extra help....like light housework, running errands, walking the dog, providing companionship, etc. Sometimes, there are people with some physical disabilities who require some extra help...…
You might pay a very small rent, if you were being of help, also.....
It seems that might be a workable option for the next two years, if your living situation becomes unbearable......
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Old 07-13-2018, 08:37 PM   #5 (permalink)
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The rest of my family just think I’m spoilt when I’m angry with her, despite my auntie having backed me up at one point.
I was abused by my nanny. My sister said I had made it up in my head, and the rest of my family wanted me to forgive her.

Certain members still think I'm making too much of a fuss about this, but I know my truth and no one can take that away from me. In due time, I also found out that the family also turned a blind eye towards another perpetrator who sent his own siblings to foster care, and beat the mother of his own child so badly he sent her to the hospital. It saddens me that such behavior existed in the first place, but it also taught me not to take the dysfunction and denial personally.

I have found in situations where one is against the "angel" the best strategy is to keep quiet. Their own behavior ends up being the most powerful indictment. The revelation and discovery may not be on your desired timeline, but it happens inevitably.
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Old 07-14-2018, 03:32 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Sadness it can be terrible having an alcoholic in the family, especially one who is supposed to be your biggest support.
Many of us have found out that we can't force an A to stop drinking, even if we tell them how much its harming us, or get angry at them, or beg. In a way it's good to know this because accepting you can't control her, you can start on your own attitudes and coping strategies.
I'm sure she does care for you, but alcohol has it's grip on her and she's incapable of acting how she should. No excuses, but remember she's not drinking at you, she's just an addict. (BTW she either mislead the doctor, very common, or is lying about what he diagnosed).
I think Al-anon would help you get through the next couple of years if you can't find a way to house share or live elsewhere. Continue to look after yourself and limit your contact with her when she's drunk. Keep your head down and survive.
I agree that there might be ways to move out. Why not look into it?
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Old 07-14-2018, 04:00 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Hello Sadness, I am so very sorry to hear all you've been through. Your instinct is right to want some independence. Under the circumstances you have described, it would seem beneficial for you, too.

I'm not at all sure I have any wise advice how you can fix your living situation while in school. However, I want to let you know that you and your future are valuable and important! That your life is not hopeless, and you can experience joy! It may take some time, and you may have to work closely with your mental health professionals, but there is no shame in that.

Please take good care of yourself, know that it can get better!
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Old 07-14-2018, 06:38 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Welcome!

It sounds like you are in a co op program. I wonder if you spoke to your school counselor that living with your ill mother is no longer viable if they would have any suggestions or scholarships to help you with housing options? Asking for help is a hard thing, but putting the word out that you need some assistance could lead to some options. Do you belong to a church? Maybe a pastor might know of someone who wouldnít mind sharing a room for very little?

Remember you have this idea that you donít matter. You probably never came first in your family situation. But you DO matter and you have come far in school! Keep doing the next right thing to stay in school.
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Old 07-14-2018, 01:22 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Sadness, I hope you have alanon available to you asthe right meeting could really be a lifesaver for you right now. One thing for certain is that your parents emotional unavailability has nothing at all to do with your lovability! Having a baby does not automatically turn a selfish, self-absorbed addict into a thoughtful, caring, giving, nuturing human being. Nope, doesn't happen that way.

Please look into some living arrangements through school, tuition assistance, roommate, etc. Save as much money as you possibly can right now.

There are many techniques for dealing with people like your mother. This is a link to one:

Medium Chill ? Out of the FOG

So for example, when she throws something in your face that SHE chooses to do, like your laundry or such, simply reply, very calmly and in a completely unphased way - "oh that's interesting". It's referred to as not engaging and is the first step in changing the pattern of interaction between you and your mom. (((hugs)))
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Old 07-15-2018, 09:34 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Hi sadness95 - You know, with an alcoholic you need to (not have to - need to) distance yourself emotionally.

I think that's got to be just terrible when that person is your Mother. In my family it was my Father.

Expectations. We expect parents to be someone we can count on etc etc and for them to be there for us. It's helpful to try to shake some of those expectations. She is who she is and your expectation that she should be someone else is what's causing your pain (well most of it).

Have you looked at attending Al-Anon meetings?
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