alwayscovering

While I realize he may be projecting (I know he's certainly still struggling with being sober-it's only been a week and no program) I thought maybe some of you experienced peoples could help me with this.

I have read the AA book and I feel like this doesn't fit but it could be because I don't have an issue now.

AH said he thinks in my early 20's I was an alcoholic.

Yes I drank-a lot. My sister and I had an apartment and instead of food in the pantry we had a giant liquor cabinet. I partied a lot. Sometimes I was black out drunk. I never felt bad the next day so I believe I continued this behavior because other than some bruises from falling and a couple of fights I never felt the consequences of my actions. I always had a DD so I never drove.

Then came St Paddy's day 2003. I got black out drunk and woke up the next day on my bathroom floor. I felt horrible and thought I was dying. I called my mom and she told me "no dummy you have a hangover". I called out of work for the first time ever, bleached my bathroom and spent an entire day miserable. Even the next few days I was tired and felt run down. I also happen to receive my bank statement that week and looked at all the money I spent on liquor and partying and realized I could pay off my car in 12 months if I put all that money towards that instead.

We, as usual, went to the bar that weekend. I ordered a soda instead. I didn't plan it, I just made that decision when he asked what I wanted. I stopped buying liquor and when we went out I offered to be the DD (not in my car though, I totally don't want people throwing up in my car LOL)

I never felt like I was an alcoholic. I always felt like it was a situation of I touched a hot stove and got burned so I didn't do it again.

That was 15 years ago.

What do y'all think?

AnvilheadII

your drinking in your 20s is not the issue here.........that he is bringing that up is him deflecting......

SmallButMighty

Even if you had been a raging alcoholic ( not saying you were) and made the decision years ago to smarten up and clean up... why would that matter? .. in all honesty it would be most excellent that you had turned your life around , and should not to be used as some kind of degrading insult...

Most people did silly or dumb or even dangerous things in their youth ( I did all three) that doesn't make us bad people. We had our fun, we faced our consequences, we learned from our mistakes and then made efforts to lead better lives and raise our children right. That's pretty normal westernized behavior for the last several decades.

You are fine, you owned your "stuff" and grew up. Part of him resents that he isn't that strong, so like Anvil said, he's deflecting.... it's typical alcoholic behavior.

alwayscovering

Yea I wasn't upset about it. But I don't mind reexamining things to make sure there's nothing I missed.

AnvilheadII

ok let's play...let's say you WERE drinking alcoholically at the time. the thing is........you stopped. assuming you haven't had any black out drunk episodes in the past 15 years, it is still irrelevant to HIS drinking TODAY.

but see what he did there? he sent you chasing down the rabbit hole, going back in time to "reexamine" things. that got you off his case....for a while. it's like sending the rookie mechanic off to find left handed kanifler pins just to get them out of the way............

dandylion

One way of deflecting.....is to do "leveling"...….
When one person feels lower than someone else, in some way....like, when they feel "less than"...perhaps, by envy or jealousy or ashamed, etc.....they try to bring themselves up by one of two kinds of ways....
Either....by pumping themselves up.....Or....by bringing the other person down....
Sounds, to me, like he is trying to do the latter one with you...….

A common thing that alcoholics do.....

In these situations, best not to JADE

biminiblue

I would just say, "Yeah, you're probably right."

I mean, it sure sounds like you were getting there if not there already.

Are you still drinking at all?

In the end it doesn't matter what you did or do as far as his addiction, though.

ChloeRose63

Have you considered Al-Anon meetings for better understanding and support?

alwayscovering

no I don't drink at all. It all smells horrible and reminds me of when I woke up on the bathroom floor and the room smelled like vomit.

I haven't brought up his drinking. I just gave up. He keeps bringing it up.

I genuinely want to recover from codependency.

alwayscovering

Yes I do go to al anon. I recently started and this came up last night so I thought I'd ask if y'all thought my behavior was that of an alcoholic. Though I'm not sure how I'd make amends to our neighbors who I'm sure hated us...

biminiblue

"He keeps bringing it up," in what way?

Like he's tired of it? Or it is his lifestyle?

The way to heal is a long road for both of you. I would say it's ongoing for life, even codependency takes vigilance and a lot of understanding of self.

What is your concern today?

Sasha1972

It sounds like you had a problem with alcohol (it was making you sick when you drank too much, you were spending too much money on it). You dealt with your problem (stopped drinking). It doesn't really matter whether you fit a clinical description of an alcoholic. You had a problem, you took action, you no longer have that problem. I think the point is not how much or now often you drank, but what happened because you drank. In your case, you gave yourself a wakeup call and you're doing okay now.

For what it's worth, while I was married to ex, there were a couple of phases during which my own drinking increased - like 3 drinks a night (which I know is not a whole lot in alcoholic terms, but it was enough to bother me). Both times I noticed that I was gaining weight and feeling cranky in the morning, so I stopped drinking alcohol. For me it really was pretty easy because my brain wasn't wired into it and because I had a clear sense that this was starting to do some damage.

RollTide

One of my favorite sayings that I learned in AlAnon to diffuse my XAH's crazy statements is, "You may be right." He's wanting to put the focus on you and when the conversation is about you then it's not on him and his behavior.

PuzzledHeart

If it wasn't that, it would have been something else. On occasion, my sister blames her behavior on the fact that I stopped playing with her when I learned how to read.

I was telling a mutual friend about this once, and she replied "So in other words, she's blaming her adult behavior on a four year old."

The sad part was that I needed her to tell me this. I was feeling tremendously guilty and was wondering what I needed to do to make amends.

alwayscovering

Like he mentioned since he quit drinking he stopped having muscle cramps.

He said he quit so I won't be angry anymore but then also said he quit because he was tired of feeling crappy when waking up daily.

Since he quit drinking he's sleeping better

He said that he appreciated that I haven't made any snarky remarks or been an @sshole to him when he complains about his withdrawal symptoms.

Last night was the first time he admitted to being an alcoholic. He always says "I abuse alcohol which is not as bad as being an alcoholic" in the past I would point out that it's all the same thing and all falls under "alcohol use disorder" which requires treatment.

I decided when I started al anon that I wasn't going to discuss it with him anymore. He is well aware of how I feel. All I was doing was starting fights.

I guess I didn't know how to reply. No, I don't think I was or am an alcoholic. But I get aggravated when he says he's not. My first thought was "Yes, I was an alcoholic back then, now what? Does that change your drinking?" but that seemed hateful so I just said "maybe"

if my behavior was that of an alcoholic I can accept that but I just don't know what he expects me to do about it. He wants me to admit it, okay fine. What did that change? I still don't drink and I'm sure the people who used to live below us still tell their friends how some @sshole college kids lived above them and made their lives hell.

alwayscovering

I guess that's where my head is at, am I supposed to make amends? How? I broke a guy's nose for trying to force himself on me and I'm sure we made our neighbor's lives hell. I don't know any of those people so I can't apologize. I feel bad about the neighbors and would apologize if I could. The guy...I'm not sure I am willing to apologize for that.

trailmix

As a few have said here, him bringing up your drinking from 15 years ago is deflecting.

I think it's kind of important to see that for what it is, a hostile move. It's not nothing and it's not something you should ignore. I don't mean you should confront him about it, not at all, not engaging in ridiculous conversations is good for you.

What i'm getting at is if you really want to come out from codependency you have to be realistic in seeing what is going on here. A hostile move, that's what it is. Doesn't matter if he is right or wrong he is just taking a dig at you to make himself feel better.

You were drinking too much for your own comfort, you stopped. It's irrelevant whether you were cruising to become an alcoholic.

As for the amends, forget about it. We have all had neighbours that drove us crazy, I have some now that let their dogs bark - they aren't drinking that I know of right now and there will be no amends. Is it right? No, but in your case there are avenues to go through to report someone causing too much noise and if they had wanted to they could have had you sent a warning.

As for the broken nose, again, he wouldn't leave you alone. While I don't condone violence, when someone is attacking you, you do what you have to. Again, forget the amends there.

He says one thing and you are doubting yourself and trying to run around and make everyone else feel better. Don't discount what AH said - make amends to neighbours from 15 years ago and broken nose guy that tried to force himself on you. See what I mean? Instead of saying, hang on, that's deflecting and hostile you immediately try to smooth everything over for everyone else.

Stand your ground, try your best to build up your self-esteem and confidence. Sounds like like they have both taken a beating.

Mango212

Prayer. Meditation.

One day at a time.

(((hugs)))

Berrybean

If you hare going to alanon you can get a sponsor and work tbe steps, inckuding amends. And the beauty of working with a sponsor is that they help you work this stuff out. Amends is step 9. You'd have steps 1 to 8 to work through first, and once you've done this you'll have a better idea of amends to be made.

Maybe suggest to him with love that he focusses on his own recovery.

BB

Bernadette

I guess I didn't know how to reply.

Big one I learned in AlAnon is just "Hunh." or "Hmmmmmm" with a thoughtful look on my face!

Peace,
B.