Feeling Triggered
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 190
Feeling Triggered
I haven't been around in about a year, which was when I gave birth to my daughter, broke it off with her alcoholic father, and then had to get a restraining order against his delusional a$$. (The back story is that he basically threatened to "f**k me up" and abduct our daughter if I tried to leave him.)
Anyhow, the restraining order expires next week, so I filed paperwork to have it renewed. He violated it back in September and has never actually seen his daughter legally through court-ordered supervised visitation, so I think the odds (and the law) are in my favor. Plus, he's bound to say something completely idiotic in court and alienate the judge like last time. That's not what's bothering me (but I will take any advice I can get from anyone who has been through something similar in court).
What's really bothering me is, when my best friend served him the papers, he asked the speak with her because, you know, he is delusional (thinks they're "still friends") and has no shame ( asks her "you think I'm a good Dad, right?"). He told her that back then I was clearly suffering from post-partum depression that made me crazy and now I've turned into an "evil b**ch who ruined his life." Logically, I know this is just self-preservation, typical alcoholic denial and deflecting the blame, but it makes me feel so angry and so sad!
I don't get it. I've been doing amazingly well without him. My friends and family are wonderfully supportive. I got tenure at work. My daughter is the love of my life. I don't understand why I still let him push my buttons. Even a restraining order can't protect you from the nonsense!
Anyhow, the restraining order expires next week, so I filed paperwork to have it renewed. He violated it back in September and has never actually seen his daughter legally through court-ordered supervised visitation, so I think the odds (and the law) are in my favor. Plus, he's bound to say something completely idiotic in court and alienate the judge like last time. That's not what's bothering me (but I will take any advice I can get from anyone who has been through something similar in court).
What's really bothering me is, when my best friend served him the papers, he asked the speak with her because, you know, he is delusional (thinks they're "still friends") and has no shame ( asks her "you think I'm a good Dad, right?"). He told her that back then I was clearly suffering from post-partum depression that made me crazy and now I've turned into an "evil b**ch who ruined his life." Logically, I know this is just self-preservation, typical alcoholic denial and deflecting the blame, but it makes me feel so angry and so sad!
I don't get it. I've been doing amazingly well without him. My friends and family are wonderfully supportive. I got tenure at work. My daughter is the love of my life. I don't understand why I still let him push my buttons. Even a restraining order can't protect you from the nonsense!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
First of all, welcome back and thanks for the update, it sounds like you are doing incredibly well and that's great.
I think your reaction to his criticism is normal really. There you are, living your life quite happily and doing well and out of the blue he drags your friend in to criticize you in some delusion.
Ideally you wouldn't ever have to deal with this again but since that's not the case maybe break it down.
Is he not an amazing Father having never seen his Daughter legally and threatening you. In the course of this you ruined his life.
It's quacking nonsense but he was at some point someone you cared about and ideally he would treat you with respect as the Mother of his child but he can't even muster the decency to do that.
That's the reality and the more you can detach from him the better. Have you attended al-anon at all?
I think your reaction to his criticism is normal really. There you are, living your life quite happily and doing well and out of the blue he drags your friend in to criticize you in some delusion.
Ideally you wouldn't ever have to deal with this again but since that's not the case maybe break it down.
Is he not an amazing Father having never seen his Daughter legally and threatening you. In the course of this you ruined his life.
It's quacking nonsense but he was at some point someone you cared about and ideally he would treat you with respect as the Mother of his child but he can't even muster the decency to do that.
That's the reality and the more you can detach from him the better. Have you attended al-anon at all?
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 190
He definitely knows how to push my rage button, and often used to do so deliberately while we were together. In fact, now that I think about it, he probably said all of that nasty stuff to my friend in hopes she would relay it back to me just to **** me off. Well, it worked. Damn it. I need new buttons!
I suppose there is a little bit of a guilt button in this situation, too. It's kind of difficult not to feel guilty when I basically eliminated any chance for my daughter to get to know her father. Even though I know it's for the best, even though I know she couldn't possibly have any meaningful relationship with him, not in his present state of mind, and even though I know that all of this was his choice and not mine, I still feel a bit of nagging guilt.
I suppose there is a little bit of a guilt button in this situation, too. It's kind of difficult not to feel guilty when I basically eliminated any chance for my daughter to get to know her father. Even though I know it's for the best, even though I know she couldn't possibly have any meaningful relationship with him, not in his present state of mind, and even though I know that all of this was his choice and not mine, I still feel a bit of nagging guilt.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Again, understandable but is it realistic? Whose responsibility is it? Yours? Your child's (once older), or his?
It's his.
He is responsible for his relationship with his Daughter. To have a relationship you have to be available first of all (he's not, due to his addiction).
You are protecting her and that is far, far more important than any surface relationship she might have with him now. What good would it do her?
It's his.
He is responsible for his relationship with his Daughter. To have a relationship you have to be available first of all (he's not, due to his addiction).
You are protecting her and that is far, far more important than any surface relationship she might have with him now. What good would it do her?
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by SaveHer 
I basically eliminated any chance for my daughter to get to know her father. Even though I know it's for the best, even though I know she couldn't possibly have any meaningful relationship with him, not in his present state of mind
Think of him as a movie w/a PG-13 or R rating--not suitable for young kids, and suitable only for older ones when accompanied by an adult chaperone. I'm not a parent, so maybe I have no place to talk here, but I WAS a child. The lessons we learn in childhood shape who we are in adulthood, and I can't help but think how different things might have been had I not lived with the man my mother married after divorcing my father. (Not saying that in a "poor me" victim voice, simply stating a fact.)
If you want more proof that you're doing the right thing by keeping him out of her life, do a little reading here https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...holic-parents/
and/or here
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ters-siblings/
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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You know a lot of hype is made about mom’s going ‘Mama Bear’ and you actually have a decent reason to roar.
Unfortunately you well know it is not a funny t~shirt when it is your real life. Stay strong and don’t let his crazy reality infiltrate your resolve to protect your child and make a haven as much as possible.
Unfortunately you well know it is not a funny t~shirt when it is your real life. Stay strong and don’t let his crazy reality infiltrate your resolve to protect your child and make a haven as much as possible.
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