How do I detach?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 2
How do I detach?
I am so tired of the cycle, the arguments, the disappointment, the gaslighting and the guilt. My story is like so many others on this forum. My husband is a high functioning alcoholic. Married 8 years. 2 young children. I am not in Al Anon but recently started therapy. I guess I just feel lonely and isolated and am glad to have found this resource.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hi and welcome to the forum.
I like to look at things like I have this Hula Hoop around me. If it's not in my Hula Hoop, it's not my problem. Of course, you have 2 young children, so they are also in that Hula Hoop with you.
You say that you are in a cycle of arguments, disappointments, gaslighting, and guilt, Can you explain that a little bit more? Is he abusive to you or the children? Do you work, or have your own income? Are you thinking of leaving your situation? The more we know, the better we can help and be supportive.
(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))
you're not alone anymore
amy
I like to look at things like I have this Hula Hoop around me. If it's not in my Hula Hoop, it's not my problem. Of course, you have 2 young children, so they are also in that Hula Hoop with you.
You say that you are in a cycle of arguments, disappointments, gaslighting, and guilt, Can you explain that a little bit more? Is he abusive to you or the children? Do you work, or have your own income? Are you thinking of leaving your situation? The more we know, the better we can help and be supportive.
(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))
you're not alone anymore
amy
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
That cycle is a pretty typical life living with an active alcoholic. Most arguments arise from one person attempting to “change” the other. The disappointment comes from setting expectations to high when dealing with an alcoholic. The gas lighting comes from the alcoholic not wanting to be responsible for their own actions and have found that the way to cope with it is by pushing the blame on someone else.
It’s good you are going to therapy and you may want to give al-anon a try as well. And keep posting and reading here.
It’s good you are going to therapy and you may want to give al-anon a try as well. And keep posting and reading here.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
The book, "Codependent No More", by Melodie Beattie was a life saver for me.
Reading, reading and reading some more, here at SRF&F
Also learning to erect boundaries saved what was left of my sanity. I had always been trying to impose rules on him instead of setting acceptable boundaries for myself. My very first boundary was, " I will not engage with him when he has been drinking".... it took practice, but it worked, I had less chaos in my life because of that boundary.
Glad you found us, I hope you stick around!
Reading, reading and reading some more, here at SRF&F
Also learning to erect boundaries saved what was left of my sanity. I had always been trying to impose rules on him instead of setting acceptable boundaries for myself. My very first boundary was, " I will not engage with him when he has been drinking".... it took practice, but it worked, I had less chaos in my life because of that boundary.
Glad you found us, I hope you stick around!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 44
Good morning, princessosceola, I'm sorry that you're going through this, but so glad you're going to therapy. Al Anon may be a wonderful resource for you. I've been attending for 6-months and I've found great support with a group that knows what it's like to live with an alcoholic. Slowly the program has grown in me and I've been able to find my voice. Like you, I live with my AH, he is no longer highly functioning. He was for many years, but the disease has progressed and things are beginning to crumble for him. He works independently, and he's lost clients, embarrassed himself in our community (we live in a small town), he's lost friends and recently I've moved out. It's sad how much they're willing to lose before getting help. Please take care of yourself and your children and read all you can. I'm thinking of you!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Hello, welcome!
My advice as a person who is going through a divorce from a high functioning alcoholic. Focus on yourself and kids. As far as his drinking there will be absolutely nothing you can do about it. Only he can decide when he will stop. The mistake I made when I was living with my husband is that I put all my focus on my husband's drinking and never focused on what I wanted out of life and my goals. Take it day by day but don't like his alcoholism consume your life.
My advice as a person who is going through a divorce from a high functioning alcoholic. Focus on yourself and kids. As far as his drinking there will be absolutely nothing you can do about it. Only he can decide when he will stop. The mistake I made when I was living with my husband is that I put all my focus on my husband's drinking and never focused on what I wanted out of life and my goals. Take it day by day but don't like his alcoholism consume your life.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Long Branch, NJ
Posts: 253
I found that it takes practice to detach. You may have to keep reminding yourself consciously.
I just posted about my daughter being an alcoholic after having lived with her alcoholic dad, losing my alcoholic best friend (and I lost a brother, as well). By the time I lost my friend, I had learned to detach and in fact had to let her go out of my life. The day I learned she had died the previous year, I spent the day mourning her. Detachment does not mean you stop loving.
But last year, when my daughter called me to tell me she had relapsed, she told me she made sure I was with my boyfriend, whose wife had died of alcoholism, because then I would have the support I needed.
I told him that when I got off the phone, and he asked if there was anything I needed from him. I thought about it, and I said, "no, I am fine." Although I love my daughter to death, I had learned to detach enough that I knew there was nothing I could do to fix this for her--she had to do it on her own and with the resources she has available.
Detaching can be very liberating.
I just posted about my daughter being an alcoholic after having lived with her alcoholic dad, losing my alcoholic best friend (and I lost a brother, as well). By the time I lost my friend, I had learned to detach and in fact had to let her go out of my life. The day I learned she had died the previous year, I spent the day mourning her. Detachment does not mean you stop loving.
But last year, when my daughter called me to tell me she had relapsed, she told me she made sure I was with my boyfriend, whose wife had died of alcoholism, because then I would have the support I needed.
I told him that when I got off the phone, and he asked if there was anything I needed from him. I thought about it, and I said, "no, I am fine." Although I love my daughter to death, I had learned to detach enough that I knew there was nothing I could do to fix this for her--she had to do it on her own and with the resources she has available.
Detaching can be very liberating.
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