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Old 07-09-2018, 11:01 PM   #1 (permalink)
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I met a guy...


And you guessed it, he is an alcoholic.

So the story goes, I recently met this great guy (we have only been "dating" for about 5 weeks) we really hit it off and we have a lot in common.

We met online and started texting for about 2 weeks. During those 2 weeks he told me he hadn't had a drink since right before we started chatting, and that his doctor told him to stop because of his depression. He also admitted that he was on the antidepressant Prestiq - where I had coincidentally begun also talking antidepressants at roughly the same time as he - but for my anxiety.

Anyway, initially he seemed to be fine but complained that the antidepressants he was on were upsetting his stomach. He also didn't like the side effects and decided to stop taking them. (I am having success however)

Fast forward 2 weeks into talking over the phone and texting. I eventually asked him if he would be up for meeting in person. He kind of stressed to me that he was nervous about the idea and that he had a hard time dealing with intense emotions in these kind of situations but I understood and decided to let him to lead the way in regards to this.

Fast forward a few days after that suggestion and I get a call from him randomly saying he's in my area and he wants to meet because he couldn't wait any longer. I thought fine, then met him in the parking lot where he said he was. He got out of his car, and I peered down to see an open beer in his car. It became increasingly clear that he was drunk. I didn't want him driving home, so I asked him to lock his car and come hang out while he sobered up.

We ended up chit chatting well into the night, and he eventually left. We really hit it off and continued to talk. Pretty much since that evening, I have seen strange behaviour from him. He doesn't have a job, and sleeps the majority of the day. I also started receiving texts at all hours of the night. Nothing major really, mainly just Youtube links to songs or videos he wants me to hear.

This was all until this past weekend, when we decided to spend Friday night hanging out. After I was done work, I went to his place with a bottle of wine. We hung out and bantered for hours, and laughed like crazy. This was the first night we hungout where both of us were really drinking. Prior to this evening, we would just hangout and things seemed normal.

I feel like over this weekend a switch went off in his brain. We were laughing and having fun one minute, then the next I could hear him throwing up in his master bath. I was standing in his living room when I also heard him yelling "F*** You!" at himself and I was immediately on alert. This was a wake up call that this guy was really, really drunk. He then after said something to me that really bothered me, so I decided to pack up and leave.

After I came home that was when I was bombarded with texts about how he got to my home town, and his family sent him here to get help. He has obviously relapsed and I can't help but feel it's my fault, but he shouldn't have been on an online dating site if he weren't ready. I now know that he has suffered from addictions to both drugs and alcohol in the past, and he should be actively seeking treatment.

He slept for a near 24 hours after that, to which he called and apologized, crying on the phone because he didn't want to lose what we have started to develop

I have now come to learn that as of today, he is hanging out with someone who is also in his recovery program, and they are evidently relapsing together.

I don't know what to do. I have been doing a ton of research over the last few days on substance abuse, what the individual goes through, the program - anything I can to understand what he is going through.

I really need some advise on what I should be doing from here. I have mentioned to him today that I am concerned and need some time to think. I have obviously not been with him long at all but I have already developed feelings and a connection to him, and he is absolutely crazy about me in return.

Please help? What can I do?
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Old 07-09-2018, 11:25 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Run and fast!
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Old 07-09-2018, 11:32 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Hi whatsagirltodo and welcome to SR, so glad you found us.

Sorry you are in this situation. First things first. I don't know how much you know about addiction/alcoholism but knowledge is power and there is a lot of knowledge here, you might want to read the stickies located at the top of this forum, here is a good place to start:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

"Recovery", "relapsing" - basically he is an alcoholic that is drinking. He is not in any kind of recovery (as you already know).

Few things. Alcoholism is progressive, what you see now is not how it will always be. As with any drug a person needs more and more to get the same - buzz. It changes the brain and all that implies. It is not your fault. You didn't cause it, can't control it, can cure it (the three Cs).

You cannot control any of this. You cannot love him in to recovery. He needs to make that decision for himself.

And this - perhaps the second most important. If you do decide to carry on in this relationship, you need to accept him just the way he is. You can't change him (and really why would you try, he is who he is - a grown adult man who can make his own decisions on how he wants to live).

Quote:
He slept for a near 24 hours after that, to which he called and apologized, crying on the phone because he didn't want to lose what we have started to develop
If your boundary is that you don't want to be in a relationship with an active alcoholic then this is what you should be focusing on. He called and cried and I'm sure his addiction is not his ideal but that didn't stop him did it? He didn't immediately high tail it back to treatment, he's out drinking with his buddy I take it.

The most important? Why would you want to get involved in all this after only dating him for 5 weeks?

Sorry if this sounds harsh, it's not meant that way, but just some things to think about.
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Old 07-09-2018, 11:41 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Thank you for that! I absolutely know that I can't change him, or love him into getting help. I'm just starting to learn all of this now.
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Old 07-09-2018, 11:42 PM   #5 (permalink)
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This sounds really dangerous to me. He is in no position to be dating anyone. You don't need this in your life. If this is how he has started a relationship with you, imagine when he relaxes a bit more and you get to see the "real" him?

Put your running shoes on and get the hell away from him!
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Old 07-09-2018, 11:45 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Thank you!
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Old 07-09-2018, 11:46 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Run away, fast. You don't need all this in your life.
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Old 07-09-2018, 11:48 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LLLisa View Post
This sounds really dangerous to me. He is in no position to be dating anyone. You don't need this in your life. If this is how he has started a relationship with you, imagine when he relaxes a bit more and you get to see the "real" him?

Put your running shoes on and get the hell away from him!
Thank you. I didn't think of it this way.
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Old 07-09-2018, 11:54 PM   #9 (permalink)
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LLLisa makes a really good point. The first part of dating is usually the fun, fun part! Gifts and dates and getting to know each other.

He shows up for your first meeting drunk and he is driving drunk as well. The late night texts with links? Probably up late drinking.

Why doesn't he work?
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Old 07-10-2018, 12:09 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Sorry for your situation.
I put my now girlfriend through around 5 years of hurt through the progression of this terrible affliction.
I’m 16 months sober now and lucky we’re still together.( although there are still things that need ironing out)
Knowing what I know now, If I was single and drinking I wouldn’t dream of going in to a relationship.
It wouldn’t be showing love for another.
It just wouldn’t be fair.

P.s. I lost a 10 year relationship prior to this due to booze.
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Old 07-10-2018, 01:23 AM   #11 (permalink)
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My opinion.....this situation sounds very dangerous.....and, if you continue, I think you are asking for trouble with a capital "T".

Please read the following 100 excellent articles form our extensive library on alcoholism and the effects o n the loved ones (like you).
Knowledge is power.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
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Old 07-10-2018, 03:49 AM   #12 (permalink)
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it was 5 weeks and was nothing more than conversation. you just met a guy.you owe him nothing. although he is looking for a baby sitter. if youre up to being a baby sitter, continue with contact. it will be a LOT of gloom,dispair, and agony for you.
if not, block him.
just an ex drunk here that reads a bit of me in your post.
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Old 07-10-2018, 07:52 AM   #13 (permalink)
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We were laughing and having fun one minute, then the next I could hear him throwing up in his master bath. I was standing in his living room when I also heard him yelling "F*** You!" at himself and I was immediately on alert. This was a wake up call that this guy was really, really drunk.
The wake up calls/red flags you missed are:

That this guy you have only known for 5 weeks is a great guy! No, great guys don’t show up drunk to meet you in a parking lot with an open beer.

What’s so great about not having a job, sleeping all day and strange behaviors?

You say a switch went off in his brain, that actually means you witnessed the real him in action. This is him, this is how he lives. He’s lived this way before you came along and he’ll live this way long after you are gone.

The only advise to offer is, ask yourself why the switch hasn’t gone off in your brain? Why with all of those red flags would you not be running in the opposite direction?

How can you connect with someone who’s always drunk? What kind of a real connection could that possible be?

He’s not in recovery at all, he’s manipulating you into feeling sorry for him.

Relationships cannot be built on sorrow, pity or potential.

As it was suggested, run fast in the opposite direction.
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Old 07-10-2018, 08:24 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Hi, whatsagirl--I'm glad you came looking for help, and I'm even more glad that you're continuing to read even when what you're hearing is difficult, and almost certainly NOT what you want to hear. That's a good sign.

You've gotten some good advice here, and I want to second what dandy said about reading through the "stickies." Also read around the forum as much as you can--for me, it made a world of difference once I saw the bigger picture and realized that neither he nor I nor our situation was a "special snowflake" kind of thing. We were just doing the same dance of alcoholism and codependency that so many others had done before us.

I know it's tempting to think that you can somehow rescue him. It's a powerful attraction, to imagine that he'll change his whole life, all he needs is someone to LOVE and UNDERSTAND him, and that someone could be YOU. It's also unfortunately a big load of crap...and the more time and emotion you invest in it, the greater the pain when things finally become too much for you to cope with and you have to leave.

Before, I never understood that part about how the purpose of dating was to get to know someone, NOT to make a lifelong pact! Also, like you, I didn't realize that he would be (or SHOULD be!) on "best behavior" in the early days. It really does make a difference in how you think about things, doesn't it?

I recall a post from a member here called Wisconsin that was about a first meeting w/someone that I think she'd met online--had not met him in the flesh before, anyway. She asked him to meet her at a park, partly b/c she has kids and partly b/c it's an open, public place. He showed up with an open beer! While she was trying to think of a good way to end the meeting, he excused himself to the nearby woods to pee (another charming first-meeting thing to do, right?). While he was gone, she gathered her kids and got the hell out of there. This is a woman who has LEARNED THE HARD WAY about what to expect and accept in a potential partner! She saw every one of those red flags and took the appropriate action.

**Apologies to Wisconsin if I didn't tell the details correctly, but I think I have the gist of it here.

Whatsagirl, I am turning 58 today. Can I tell you, from this point in my life, to not stake too much on "feelings and a connection." First of all, there will be other people with whom you will also develop feelings and a connection (and I didn't believe my mom when she told me that either, so I don't really expect you to...). Second, as other posters have said, if a person is either drunk, recovering from being drunk, or trying to find a way to get drunk, how real do you think any of those feelings or connections are on HIS side?

Hope you keep coming back, and hope you are able to learn enough so you never find yourself in this situation again.
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Old 07-10-2018, 10:38 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Run like the wind and don't look back!

This man is eons away from being relationship material. You've only seen the tip of alcoholic insanity iceberg.
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Old 07-10-2018, 12:00 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Aye yi yi,....this guy is bad news. I'm very leary of online date to begin with, but when he shows up for the first in person meeting drunk...and then his subsequent behavior...I'd say...get away from this guy. You're not going to save him either. You are under no obligations whatsoever to this guy, no matter how much he may plead with you!
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Old 07-10-2018, 01:02 PM   #17 (permalink)
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He's a drunk so unless you want a disastrous relationship, leave now. Alcoholism is a mental illness that takes everyone connected to the alcoholic down with them.
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Old 07-10-2018, 02:07 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Whatsagirl, you need to raise your standards, no offense, but what's his excuse for not having a job ? Not sure what your age is (I assume you are old enough to buy alcohol apparently) but if you are working, living on your own, making a life for yourself, why settle for less? And that's just for starters.

Not sure where you are located but you can go down to your courthouse and do a search of records on him (if he's in the same state) run his name through the system and find out what if any criminal history he has, judgments, traffic tickets, liens. Other than juvenile or mental health records, most is public record. Out of state may be a little more difficult to access but you get my drift here. This is for your own good. If he has any domestic violence or restraining order records the system should bring them up.

Some of us have learned the hard way and I think the advice you've been given on this forum is invaluable if you're willing to listen. The dude sounds like he's looking for a soft place to land, on YOU. Before you know it you could get pregnant and then you will really find out what heartbreak is. My advice and 2c is to run. Move on. Be very careful with the next guy. You sound like a great catch. Charm is worthless when he has nothing to offer you.
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Old 07-11-2018, 08:55 AM   #19 (permalink)
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My advice...

Get away from him and do it as quickly as possible. But if he knows where you live, he may not take it well and show up at all hours day n night to woo n convince you that you've got it all wrong n he's a super-fantastic guy.

He has no job. That is strike one which should have been a deal breaker.
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Old 07-11-2018, 10:26 AM   #20 (permalink)
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there is nothing GREAT about this guy.....you saw a LOT of NOT great stuff in a very short period of time. and any one of them is enough to say seen enough thanks, gotta go.

things you could ask yourself:
Why was unemployed, with no activities or interests, supposed depression etc not enough to say No Thanks.
Why was him showing up intoxicated with an open container in his car to your first F2F "date" not enough to say No Thanks.
Why wasn't the vomiting/yelling at self, and saying abusive things to you not enough to say No Thanks.
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