I met a guy...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Sorry for your experience. When someone shows us what they're like, it's a good idea to believe them. This guy doesn't sound like relationship material, and if he's focussing on relapsing rather than recovery that's not set to get any better.
Sounds like you're dodging a bullet. I'd suggest blocking his number.
BB
Sounds like you're dodging a bullet. I'd suggest blocking his number.
BB
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 184
Girl, here’s what you do: leave now. Don’t look back. It’s not going to get better and you have no idea how bad it can be. Mine was always charming in the beginning, and never disclosed he was an alcoholic, and he became abusive. Not to say this guy will, but you have no idea what he is capable of or what he might do. Save yoursel now.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
You know, it might also be worth asking yourself why you would even hestitate to consider a relationshio with someone who behaved this way in the early weeks of dating. I'm not saying that you necessarily ARE codependent in nature, or drama seeking (sometimes it can seem like being in some crazy movie to get involved with disaster somehow) but if it happens that you do have either of these tendencies then this experience could be a gift in that it might help you realise, educate yourself, and avoid future disaster with a little self-honesty and reflection. The CoDa (Codependent Anon) website has a laundry list of common traits that can help identify codependency. Patterns and Characteristics 2011 - CoDA.org A book that many here have felt was helpful is Codependent No More.
Unfortunately there are a lot of damaged and dysfunctional alcoholics and addicts out there. We cannot change them. BUT we can change ourselves so we're less likely to be attracted to them, and learn healthy boundaries that keep us emotionally safe.
BB
Unfortunately there are a lot of damaged and dysfunctional alcoholics and addicts out there. We cannot change them. BUT we can change ourselves so we're less likely to be attracted to them, and learn healthy boundaries that keep us emotionally safe.
BB
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,546
Originally Posted by whatsagirltodo 
He got out of his car, and I peered down to see an open beer in his car. It became increasingly clear that he was drunk. I didn't want him driving home, so I asked him to lock his car and come hang out while he sobered up.
Originally Posted by whatsagirltodo
Pretty much since that evening, I have seen strange behaviour from him. He doesn't have a job, and sleeps the majority of the day. I also started receiving texts at all hours of the night.
Originally Posted by whatsagirltodo
After I was done work, I went to his place with a bottle of wine.
Originally Posted by whatsagirltodo
I feel like over this weekend a switch went off in his brain. We were laughing and having fun one minute, then the next I could hear him throwing up in his master bath. I was standing in his living room when I also heard him yelling "F*** You!" at himself and I was immediately on alert. This was a wake up call that this guy was really, really drunk. He then after said something to me that really bothered me, so I decided to pack up and leave.
Originally Posted by whatsagirltodo
After I came home that was when I was bombarded with texts about how he got to my home town, and his family sent him here to get help. He has obviously relapsed and I can't help but feel it's my fault, but he shouldn't have been on an online dating site if he weren't ready. I now know that he has suffered from addictions to both drugs and alcohol in the past, and he should be actively seeking treatment.
Originally Posted by whatsagirltodo
He slept for a near 24 hours after that, to which he called and apologized, crying on the phone because he didn't want to lose what we have started to develop
Originally Posted by whatsagirltodo
I really need some advise on what I should be doing from here. I have mentioned to him today that I am concerned and need some time to think. I have obviously not been with him long at all but I have already developed feelings and a connection to him, and he is absolutely crazy about me in return.
Please help? What can I do?
Please help? What can I do?
I'm genuinely curious: What is so appealing about a boy who doesn't work and sleeps all day? How will that play out when you've been together six months? You clock out of work and head over to whatever crappy room he's renting, or the condemned apartment house he's staying in, and get hammered, until the switch flips again? You've been at work, you might be ready for bed at 1 or 2 in the morning. He didn't roll out of bed until, what, 5:30, 6 pm? He'll just be getting started.
He's not inclined to work, so anything you do that requires money will be done with your money: eating out, going to a movie, seeing a concert, taking a drive in the country, all on your dime.
If you want a relationship limited to drinking and sex, he's probably up for that
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Good morning, whatsagirltodo:
I don't think that there is anything "wrong" with you...perhaps you do need an adjustment in how you think and perceive your own worth? I know I had that problem when I was a young woman.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ention-me.html (OT: Does he have a pulse? Is he actually paying attention to me?)
I am sorry for what you have been through and hope you will learn to take good care of yourself!!
I don't think that there is anything "wrong" with you...perhaps you do need an adjustment in how you think and perceive your own worth? I know I had that problem when I was a young woman.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ention-me.html (OT: Does he have a pulse? Is he actually paying attention to me?)
I am sorry for what you have been through and hope you will learn to take good care of yourself!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
So far he has driven drunk, hallucinated, stopped taking useful meds, verbally offended you, doesn't seem to work....
If one of your friends was dating a guy a like this - if you had a daughter and she was dating a guy like this - what would you say?
If one of your friends was dating a guy a like this - if you had a daughter and she was dating a guy like this - what would you say?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 7
Sadly, I'm not *that* young. I'm 34, I should know better. I haven't been in a situation quite like this before however. But I think you are right. I've been doing a lot of soul searching and wondering why I would put up with someone such as this, in the end I realize I did it out of loneliness. It's been a learning experience. It sucks to let him go but I have completely removed him from my life, and I will get over it quickly.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 7
So far he has driven drunk, hallucinated, stopped taking useful meds, verbally offended you, doesn't seem to work....
If one of your friends was dating a guy a like this - if you had a daughter and she was dating a guy like this - what would you say?
Ugh, it's terrible - I know!! My two girlfriends I have talked to about him are not happy that I let him stick around for as long as I did. I know I should have listened to them but it fell on deaf ears unfortunately.
If one of your friends was dating a guy a like this - if you had a daughter and she was dating a guy like this - what would you say?
Ugh, it's terrible - I know!! My two girlfriends I have talked to about him are not happy that I let him stick around for as long as I did. I know I should have listened to them but it fell on deaf ears unfortunately.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,620
Hey, it happens!
I'm so glad to hear of your decision.
There is an acronym - HALT - check to see if you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired.
When you are in any of these, you are vulnerable and you are and you were. Now sometimes that means we need to grab dessert after a sandwich at lunch, sometimes that means we need to examine our social connections.
What are yours? If your social life is stagnant and you are wanting to meet new people, you might want to try checking out something like Meetup - lots of groups doing different things and I'm sure you can find one that would appeal.
What do YOU want to do? Learn line-dancing? Have a go at pottery? Cooking classes to learn how to cook Japanese dishes?
Not saying any of this is a cure-all, but if your social life is lacking maybe time to knock down the wall of the box and try something new and fun.
I'm so glad to hear of your decision.
There is an acronym - HALT - check to see if you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired.
When you are in any of these, you are vulnerable and you are and you were. Now sometimes that means we need to grab dessert after a sandwich at lunch, sometimes that means we need to examine our social connections.
What are yours? If your social life is stagnant and you are wanting to meet new people, you might want to try checking out something like Meetup - lots of groups doing different things and I'm sure you can find one that would appeal.
What do YOU want to do? Learn line-dancing? Have a go at pottery? Cooking classes to learn how to cook Japanese dishes?
Not saying any of this is a cure-all, but if your social life is lacking maybe time to knock down the wall of the box and try something new and fun.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by whatsagirltodo
Sadly, I'm not *that* young. I'm 34.
I know it doesn't seem that way now, but an opportunity to start over is ALWAYS a gift. If you feel you'll "get over him quickly", so much the better.
You might want to take a look at this thread for a little perspective on those feelings about your age and where you are in life:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...tart-over.html ("But I'm Too Old to Start Over...")
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