I met a guy... - Page 2 - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Go Back   SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information >
Register Blogs FAQ Members List Calendar Arcade Mark Forums Read




Reply
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 07-11-2018, 01:50 PM   #21 (permalink)
Member
 
Berrybean's Avatar
 

Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,825
Blog Entries: 2
Sorry for your experience. When someone shows us what they're like, it's a good idea to believe them. This guy doesn't sound like relationship material, and if he's focussing on relapsing rather than recovery that's not set to get any better.

Sounds like you're dodging a bullet. I'd suggest blocking his number.

BB
__________________
There is a saying: When you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. And this step is simple, this is the point when we decide to put down the shovel and assess how deep the hole really is.
Berrybean is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Berrybean For This Useful Post:
August252015 (07-11-2018), Bird615 (07-16-2018)
Old 07-11-2018, 05:56 PM   #22 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 111
Girl, here’s what you do: leave now. Don’t look back. It’s not going to get better and you have no idea how bad it can be. Mine was always charming in the beginning, and never disclosed he was an alcoholic, and he became abusive. Not to say this guy will, but you have no idea what he is capable of or what he might do. Save yoursel now.
Leelee168 is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Leelee168 For This Useful Post:
August252015 (07-11-2018)
Old 07-11-2018, 05:58 PM   #23 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Midwest
Posts: 75
Run for the hills!
Michsm is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-11-2018, 11:01 PM   #24 (permalink)
Member
 
Berrybean's Avatar
 

Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,825
Blog Entries: 2
You know, it might also be worth asking yourself why you would even hestitate to consider a relationshio with someone who behaved this way in the early weeks of dating. I'm not saying that you necessarily ARE codependent in nature, or drama seeking (sometimes it can seem like being in some crazy movie to get involved with disaster somehow) but if it happens that you do have either of these tendencies then this experience could be a gift in that it might help you realise, educate yourself, and avoid future disaster with a little self-honesty and reflection. The CoDa (Codependent Anon) website has a laundry list of common traits that can help identify codependency. Patterns and Characteristics 2011 - CoDA.org A book that many here have felt was helpful is Codependent No More.

Unfortunately there are a lot of damaged and dysfunctional alcoholics and addicts out there. We cannot change them. BUT we can change ourselves so we're less likely to be attracted to them, and learn healthy boundaries that keep us emotionally safe.

BB
__________________
There is a saying: When you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. And this step is simple, this is the point when we decide to put down the shovel and assess how deep the hole really is.
Berrybean is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Berrybean For This Useful Post:
August252015 (07-13-2018), Bird615 (07-16-2018), Ladysadie (07-12-2018), PuzzledHeart (07-12-2018), trailmix (07-11-2018)
Old 07-12-2018, 06:07 PM   #25 (permalink)
Member
 
velma929's Avatar
 

Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 513
Quote:
Originally Posted by whatsagirltodo View Post
He got out of his car, and I peered down to see an open beer in his car. It became increasingly clear that he was drunk. I didn't want him driving home, so I asked him to lock his car and come hang out while he sobered up.
I would left,then and there, advising him to sober up before the drive home.

Quote:
Originally Posted by whatsagirltodo View Post
Pretty much since that evening, I have seen strange behaviour from him. He doesn't have a job, and sleeps the majority of the day. I also started receiving texts at all hours of the night.
I would not find this appealing or endearing

Quote:
Originally Posted by whatsagirltodo View Post
After I was done work, I went to his place with a bottle of wine.
I don't know what possesses anyone who sees someone with a drinking problem to bring that person alcohol.

Quote:
Originally Posted by whatsagirltodo View Post
I feel like over this weekend a switch went off in his brain. We were laughing and having fun one minute, then the next I could hear him throwing up in his master bath. I was standing in his living room when I also heard him yelling "F*** You!" at himself and I was immediately on alert. This was a wake up call that this guy was really, really drunk. He then after said something to me that really bothered me, so I decided to pack up and leave.
So far, the smartest action I've seen.

Quote:
Originally Posted by whatsagirltodo View Post
After I came home that was when I was bombarded with texts about how he got to my home town, and his family sent him here to get help. He has obviously relapsed and I can't help but feel it's my fault, but he shouldn't have been on an online dating site if he weren't ready. I now know that he has suffered from addictions to both drugs and alcohol in the past, and he should be actively seeking treatment.
I can see a lot of things in the 'shoulda' category.

Quote:
Originally Posted by whatsagirltodo View Post
He slept for a near 24 hours after that, to which he called and apologized, crying on the phone because he didn't want to lose what we have started to develop
According to your post,he sleeps a lot, anyways

Quote:
Originally Posted by whatsagirltodo View Post
I really need some advise on what I should be doing from here. I have mentioned to him today that I am concerned and need some time to think. I have obviously not been with him long at all but I have already developed feelings and a connection to him, and he is absolutely crazy about me in return.
Please help? What can I do?
He's not in any position to make sane decisions, but you are.

I'm genuinely curious: What is so appealing about a boy who doesn't work and sleeps all day? How will that play out when you've been together six months? You clock out of work and head over to whatever crappy room he's renting, or the condemned apartment house he's staying in, and get hammered, until the switch flips again? You've been at work, you might be ready for bed at 1 or 2 in the morning. He didn't roll out of bed until, what, 5:30, 6 pm? He'll just be getting started.

He's not inclined to work, so anything you do that requires money will be done with your money: eating out, going to a movie, seeing a concert, taking a drive in the country, all on your dime.

If you want a relationship limited to drinking and sex, he's probably up for that
velma929 is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to velma929 For This Useful Post:
August252015 (07-13-2018), Bird615 (07-16-2018), honeypig (07-12-2018), SmallButMighty (07-13-2018)
Old 07-16-2018, 01:32 AM   #26 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 7
Each and every one of you is absolutely correct.

I'm not quite sure what my problem is. But i appreciate the feedback and I'm going to focus on moving on.
whatsagirltodo is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to whatsagirltodo For This Useful Post:
atalose (07-16-2018), Bird615 (07-16-2018), dandylion (07-16-2018), firebolt (07-17-2018), honeypig (07-16-2018), PuzzledHeart (07-16-2018), tomsteve (07-16-2018)
Old 07-16-2018, 02:52 AM   #27 (permalink)
It means 'star', as in the sky
 
Seren's Avatar
 

Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 9,739
Blog Entries: 8
Good morning, whatsagirltodo:

I don't think that there is anything "wrong" with you...perhaps you do need an adjustment in how you think and perceive your own worth? I know I had that problem when I was a young woman.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ention-me.html (OT: Does he have a pulse? Is he actually paying attention to me?)

I am sorry for what you have been through and hope you will learn to take good care of yourself!!
__________________
The ordinary acts we practice every day at home
are of more importance to the soul than their simplicity might suggest.
~ St. Thomas More
Seren is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Seren For This Useful Post:
Bird615 (07-16-2018), honeypig (07-16-2018)
Old 07-16-2018, 07:21 AM   #28 (permalink)
Member
 
PurpleWilder's Avatar
 

Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 743
So far he has driven drunk, hallucinated, stopped taking useful meds, verbally offended you, doesn't seem to work....

If one of your friends was dating a guy a like this - if you had a daughter and she was dating a guy like this - what would you say?
PurpleWilder is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to PurpleWilder For This Useful Post:
honeypig (07-16-2018), trailmix (07-16-2018), whatsagirltodo (07-16-2018)
Old 07-16-2018, 10:40 AM   #29 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 7
Sadly, I'm not *that* young. I'm 34, I should know better. I haven't been in a situation quite like this before however. But I think you are right. I've been doing a lot of soul searching and wondering why I would put up with someone such as this, in the end I realize I did it out of loneliness. It's been a learning experience. It sucks to let him go but I have completely removed him from my life, and I will get over it quickly.
whatsagirltodo is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to whatsagirltodo For This Useful Post:
desertgirl (07-16-2018), firebolt (07-17-2018), honeypig (07-16-2018), SparkleKitty (07-16-2018), tomsteve (07-17-2018), trailmix (07-16-2018)
Old 07-16-2018, 10:45 AM   #30 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 7
So far he has driven drunk, hallucinated, stopped taking useful meds, verbally offended you, doesn't seem to work....

If one of your friends was dating a guy a like this - if you had a daughter and she was dating a guy like this - what would you say?

Ugh, it's terrible - I know!! My two girlfriends I have talked to about him are not happy that I let him stick around for as long as I did. I know I should have listened to them but it fell on deaf ears unfortunately.
whatsagirltodo is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to whatsagirltodo For This Useful Post:
firebolt (07-17-2018), honeypig (07-16-2018), tomsteve (07-17-2018), trailmix (07-16-2018)
Old 07-16-2018, 12:53 PM   #31 (permalink)
Member
 
trailmix's Avatar
 

Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 1,684
Hey, it happens!

I'm so glad to hear of your decision.

There is an acronym - HALT - check to see if you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired.

When you are in any of these, you are vulnerable and you are and you were. Now sometimes that means we need to grab dessert after a sandwich at lunch, sometimes that means we need to examine our social connections.

What are yours? If your social life is stagnant and you are wanting to meet new people, you might want to try checking out something like Meetup - lots of groups doing different things and I'm sure you can find one that would appeal.

What do YOU want to do? Learn line-dancing? Have a go at pottery? Cooking classes to learn how to cook Japanese dishes?

Not saying any of this is a cure-all, but if your social life is lacking maybe time to knock down the wall of the box and try something new and fun.
trailmix is online now   Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to trailmix For This Useful Post:
firebolt (07-17-2018), honeypig (07-16-2018), tomsteve (07-17-2018)
Old 07-16-2018, 08:52 PM   #32 (permalink)
Member
 
honeypig's Avatar
 

Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,255
Quote:
Originally Posted by whatsagirltodo View Post
Sadly, I'm not *that* young. I'm 34.
whatsagirl, you are HARDLY ancient at 34! I became aware of XAH's drinking when I was 49. I hung on b/c I "didn't want to start over at 50." Know what that got me? The opportunity to start over at 55 instead!

I know it doesn't seem that way now, but an opportunity to start over is ALWAYS a gift. If you feel you'll "get over him quickly", so much the better.

You might want to take a look at this thread for a little perspective on those feelings about your age and where you are in life:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...tart-over.html ("But I'm Too Old to Start Over...")
__________________
“The future is not some place we are going, but one we are creating. The paths are not to be found, but made. And the activity of making them changes both the maker and the destination.” ~John H. Schaar
honeypig is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to honeypig For This Useful Post:
dandylion (07-17-2018), firebolt (07-17-2018), SmallButMighty (07-17-2018), tomsteve (07-17-2018), trailmix (07-16-2018)
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:00 AM.