Anxious. . .
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Anxious. . .
It has been 2 and a half weeks since I have limited contact with STBAXH. He still tries to call regularly. I have not answered or responded. I only text him when I am on my way to pick of kids and when I am outside of his parents house so that he can bring them out. I have my parents with me when he picks them up from my house and when I pick up the kids from him. I am doing what I need to do to break from the toxic cycle. However, I find myself still feeling very anxious. I'm currently on vacation from work. I work for my local school district so we are on summer vacation. I only leave my house to go to the grocery store and school (I'm taking college classes). I hate being out in the evening or late at night. I have severe anxiety of being out of my house.
On Friday night, my older son and I left to a party, it was kind of late. As we were leaving out house around 9pm I saw my EMIL passing by my house. I know she was trying to be nosey and see if anything was going on at my house. This is the reason why I avoid being out and about. I have anxiety of seeing my X, his mother or anyone else he closely associates with. I honestly feel like they are trying to build a case against me and try to take my kids from me because that is the type of people they are very vindictive and vengeful. Having limited contacted has helped but I feel like my anxiety has sky rocketed. I don't want to be a prisoner in my own house but I feel like I cant handle being out in my town. My home is my safe space right now.
I pray for strength and guidance. I try to keep busy with homework and my kids. We have been separated for 2 years but things still seem to be a struggle for me. I am proud of myself however, from breaking away from him by filing for divorce, separating bank accounts, bills and creating my own life away from him. I just hope and pray to find a place of peace, its been a struggle and I am fight everyday. I sometimes feel like I am going crazy. Positive encouragement and advice is greatly appreciated.
On Friday night, my older son and I left to a party, it was kind of late. As we were leaving out house around 9pm I saw my EMIL passing by my house. I know she was trying to be nosey and see if anything was going on at my house. This is the reason why I avoid being out and about. I have anxiety of seeing my X, his mother or anyone else he closely associates with. I honestly feel like they are trying to build a case against me and try to take my kids from me because that is the type of people they are very vindictive and vengeful. Having limited contacted has helped but I feel like my anxiety has sky rocketed. I don't want to be a prisoner in my own house but I feel like I cant handle being out in my town. My home is my safe space right now.
I pray for strength and guidance. I try to keep busy with homework and my kids. We have been separated for 2 years but things still seem to be a struggle for me. I am proud of myself however, from breaking away from him by filing for divorce, separating bank accounts, bills and creating my own life away from him. I just hope and pray to find a place of peace, its been a struggle and I am fight everyday. I sometimes feel like I am going crazy. Positive encouragement and advice is greatly appreciated.
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mamabear...how realistic is it that there would even be a basis for your husband to take your kids away? from your shares...it seems that he has been an unstable and unreliable drunk for many years.....
Let me ask you....are you out at night engaging in illegal and shady activities...and neglecting your children? (a rhetorical question...lol)……….
Don't you have documentation and witnesses to the fact that he has been an unreliable parent and is an alcoholic?
Or....do you think that your fears, along these lines are a reflection of your fear, in general....and your intimidation by him...?
Now...I am not saying that your in laws are NOT taking his side against you...you know them, and I do not...but, still, they would have to have a wagon load of hard evidence that would hold up in court to take away a mother's children......Ask any lawyer....
I remember that my children's father threatened to "take away the kids", when I divorced him.....he liked to use that as leverage and to try to intimidate me. When I told my lawyer about this...he just laughed...and, said, "Unless you are having sex on the dining room table with assorted men in front of the children...don't worry about his threats"....
Let me ask you....are you out at night engaging in illegal and shady activities...and neglecting your children? (a rhetorical question...lol)……….
Don't you have documentation and witnesses to the fact that he has been an unreliable parent and is an alcoholic?
Or....do you think that your fears, along these lines are a reflection of your fear, in general....and your intimidation by him...?
Now...I am not saying that your in laws are NOT taking his side against you...you know them, and I do not...but, still, they would have to have a wagon load of hard evidence that would hold up in court to take away a mother's children......Ask any lawyer....
I remember that my children's father threatened to "take away the kids", when I divorced him.....he liked to use that as leverage and to try to intimidate me. When I told my lawyer about this...he just laughed...and, said, "Unless you are having sex on the dining room table with assorted men in front of the children...don't worry about his threats"....
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They do tend to make lots of empty threats. My XAH also used to say he would take the kids. He didn't, because he couldn't. He was always too drunk or hungover to do anything properly. Besides, he didn't even have beds for the kids or the means to get a suitable apartment or even furniture. He also threatened to kill himself if I left him. He's not dead yet and it's been over 6 years...
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As we were leaving out house around 9pm I saw my EMIL passing by my house. I know she was trying to be nosey and see if anything was going on at my house
I'm sure that you're a very interesting and lovely person but I suspect the life you lead now would make private investigators and spies fall asleep in their cars.
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Originally Posted by dandylion 
mamabear...how realistic is it that there would even be a basis for your husband to take your kids away? from your shares...it seems that he has been an unstable and unreliable drunk for many years.....
Let me ask you....are you out at night engaging in illegal and shady activities...and neglecting your children? (a rhetorical question...lol)……….
Don't you have documentation and witnesses to the fact that he has been an unreliable parent and is an alcoholic?
Or....do you think that your fears, along these lines are a reflection of your fear, in general....and your intimidation by him...?
Now...I am not saying that your in laws are NOT taking his side against you...you know them, and I do not...but, still, they would have to have a wagon load of hard evidence that would hold up in court to take away a mother's children......Ask any lawyer....
I remember that my children's father threatened to "take away the kids", when I divorced him.....he liked to use that as leverage and to try to intimidate me. When I told my lawyer about this...he just laughed...and, said, "Unless you are having sex on the dining room table with assorted men in front of the children...don't worry about his threats"....
Let me ask you....are you out at night engaging in illegal and shady activities...and neglecting your children? (a rhetorical question...lol)……….
Don't you have documentation and witnesses to the fact that he has been an unreliable parent and is an alcoholic?
Or....do you think that your fears, along these lines are a reflection of your fear, in general....and your intimidation by him...?
Now...I am not saying that your in laws are NOT taking his side against you...you know them, and I do not...but, still, they would have to have a wagon load of hard evidence that would hold up in court to take away a mother's children......Ask any lawyer....
I remember that my children's father threatened to "take away the kids", when I divorced him.....he liked to use that as leverage and to try to intimidate me. When I told my lawyer about this...he just laughed...and, said, "Unless you are having sex on the dining room table with assorted men in front of the children...don't worry about his threats"....
In December my younger son was playing with my older son and some cousins on an air mattress at my cousins house. They were jumping off of it and my younger son fell flat on his nose. He had a bruise on it. My X came to pick them up the following week and saw it and begin to say in front of the kids that he was going to call CPS on me??? Im thinking WTF! It was an accident as most young kids get when they run and fall and scrap their knee. It was very surprising to hear him say that. He never mentioned CPS to me during the 10 years when we lived together. Especially during the times when he would take off leaving me and our newborn son at home alone for days at a time to get drunk with friends. Or when he would come home drunk stumbling and falling and throwing up everywhere in front of our son. I didn't hear anything about CPS then. He has mentioned CPS to me maybe 2 in the last year. I think it is ironic since he took off abandoned his family.... his kids and drained our account down to nothing for me to live on while I had to sit here and pick up the pieces and keep this household running smoothly for the kids while he was out trying to" find himself" in-between someone else's legs. Sorry I just had to vent but no there is no basis for his accusations but it worries me that we might have to get to the point where all the dirty laundry will have to come out in court. I want to try and avoid that.
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Originally Posted by LLLisa
They do tend to make lots of empty threats. My XAH also used to say he would take the kids. He didn't, because he couldn't. He was always too drunk or hungover to do anything properly. Besides, he didn't even have beds for the kids or the means to get a suitable apartment or even furniture. He also threatened to kill himself if I left him. He's not dead yet and it's been over 6 years...
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Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart
Good Lord, if it's been two years since you've separated and she's still stalking your house she obviously doesn't have much of a life.
I'm sure that you're a very interesting and lovely person but I suspect the life you lead now would make private investigators and spies fall asleep in their cars.
I'm sure that you're a very interesting and lovely person but I suspect the life you lead now would make private investigators and spies fall asleep in their cars.
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*****NEED ADVICE******
Back story: On Friday is my young son's birthday. I have made plans to take him, some friends and cousins out to a water park. *This is my weekend with the kids*
My X called me a while ago then texted me "I get the boys on Friday??? Right??? For kids bday.... at least for a little bit....that's all I want to know"
I feel like responding with "Not sure where you are getting your information from but Friday is not your time with them."
How do you think I should respond?
I looked back on our mediation agreement which doesn't state anything about kids' birthdays. I'm not sure where he is getting his information from. For my older sons bday which was 2 months ago. We agreed to take him to a laser arena together but that was when I was trying to communicate okay with him. Now since I have limited contact with him because of his threats and verbally attacks I don't think its a good idea to do something together. I want to avoid any drama. I would be okay if he came by to give him and hug and wish him Happy Birthday but he would have to stay in the front yard of my house. Advice would be appreciated.
Back story: On Friday is my young son's birthday. I have made plans to take him, some friends and cousins out to a water park. *This is my weekend with the kids*
My X called me a while ago then texted me "I get the boys on Friday??? Right??? For kids bday.... at least for a little bit....that's all I want to know"
I feel like responding with "Not sure where you are getting your information from but Friday is not your time with them."
How do you think I should respond?
I looked back on our mediation agreement which doesn't state anything about kids' birthdays. I'm not sure where he is getting his information from. For my older sons bday which was 2 months ago. We agreed to take him to a laser arena together but that was when I was trying to communicate okay with him. Now since I have limited contact with him because of his threats and verbally attacks I don't think its a good idea to do something together. I want to avoid any drama. I would be okay if he came by to give him and hug and wish him Happy Birthday but he would have to stay in the front yard of my house. Advice would be appreciated.
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I like your reply
I like what you were going to write... it's not his time with them.
You can say you already made plans and you aren't prepared to change them.
If you are feeling accommodating, I suppose you could offer to bring the younger son to his house for some cake or something after the water park, but only if it's convenient for you. Otherwise, they can celebrate together the next time it's his day with them.
On a side note, just because I'm going through the same thing right now... are you filing for full custody? Or joint?
You can say you already made plans and you aren't prepared to change them.
If you are feeling accommodating, I suppose you could offer to bring the younger son to his house for some cake or something after the water park, but only if it's convenient for you. Otherwise, they can celebrate together the next time it's his day with them.
On a side note, just because I'm going through the same thing right now... are you filing for full custody? Or joint?
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Originally Posted by WhiteFeathers
I like what you were going to write... it's not his time with them.
You can say you already made plans and you aren't prepared to change them.
If you are feeling accommodating, I suppose you could offer to bring the younger son to his house for some cake or something after the water park, but only if it's convenient for you. Otherwise, they can celebrate together the next time it's his day with them.
On a side note, just because I'm going through the same thing right now... are you filing for full custody? Or joint?
You can say you already made plans and you aren't prepared to change them.
If you are feeling accommodating, I suppose you could offer to bring the younger son to his house for some cake or something after the water park, but only if it's convenient for you. Otherwise, they can celebrate together the next time it's his day with them.
On a side note, just because I'm going through the same thing right now... are you filing for full custody? Or joint?
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mamabear…...here is my take on it. My children's father was a very difficult...narcissistic leaning person...(not even an alcoholic!)…..
I learned certain things.....
1. The rules of interaction are very different from dealing with a stable and reasonable, co-operative person. If you tend to try to be a "nice person" type.....get over that. It will bite you on the behind, every time you extend yourself.
2. You must have absolute and firm boundaries. No exceptions....go by the rules. (except in the most extreme of emergencies)….No special requests.
3. So called "special situations"...like birthdays can become your Achilles Heel, if you let it. Kids won't be adversely affected if the birthday is not celebrated on the exact day as their birth...for Pete's sake. He can have a party for the kid on his next weekend....Kids accept this much better than adults seem to. They are just happy to have the party any time...Have your party for him...and, let his dad have another party for him. Same with holidays, such as Christmas....
3. for someone who is narcissistic or difficult or obstructive...Never...never...let them see you sweat! That type gets off on your reaction...on getting your goat...They live for your reaction because it give them the illusion of control over you.
4. Keep all communication as limited and brief as humanly possible. always business like. Not necessarily mean or snarky....just "professional" and business like....If they insult or criticize or try to start a fight....drop the rope--avoid "taking the bait".....
5. Do not make joint plans together....because all that could possibly go wrong...probably will...and, you will be blamed.
6. For major issues...let your lawyer do the talking.
I know that this sounds pretty cold...especially if you have your heart set on helping him be a "good father"....and envision happy Norman Rockwell type of co-parenting together.
But, one has to deal with the reality of the situation. This is the way it is with chronically difficult people....Otherwise, it can drive you nuts.....
I learned certain things.....
1. The rules of interaction are very different from dealing with a stable and reasonable, co-operative person. If you tend to try to be a "nice person" type.....get over that. It will bite you on the behind, every time you extend yourself.
2. You must have absolute and firm boundaries. No exceptions....go by the rules. (except in the most extreme of emergencies)….No special requests.
3. So called "special situations"...like birthdays can become your Achilles Heel, if you let it. Kids won't be adversely affected if the birthday is not celebrated on the exact day as their birth...for Pete's sake. He can have a party for the kid on his next weekend....Kids accept this much better than adults seem to. They are just happy to have the party any time...Have your party for him...and, let his dad have another party for him. Same with holidays, such as Christmas....
3. for someone who is narcissistic or difficult or obstructive...Never...never...let them see you sweat! That type gets off on your reaction...on getting your goat...They live for your reaction because it give them the illusion of control over you.
4. Keep all communication as limited and brief as humanly possible. always business like. Not necessarily mean or snarky....just "professional" and business like....If they insult or criticize or try to start a fight....drop the rope--avoid "taking the bait".....
5. Do not make joint plans together....because all that could possibly go wrong...probably will...and, you will be blamed.
6. For major issues...let your lawyer do the talking.
I know that this sounds pretty cold...especially if you have your heart set on helping him be a "good father"....and envision happy Norman Rockwell type of co-parenting together.
But, one has to deal with the reality of the situation. This is the way it is with chronically difficult people....Otherwise, it can drive you nuts.....
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Originally Posted by dandylion
mamabear…...here is my take on it. My children's father was a very difficult...narcissistic leaning person...(not even an alcoholic!)…..
I learned certain things.....
1. The rules of interaction are very different from dealing with a stable and reasonable, co-operative person. If you tend to try to be a "nice person" type.....get over that. It will bite you on the behind, every time you extend yourself.
2. You must have absolute and firm boundaries. No exceptions....go by the rules. (except in the most extreme of emergencies)….No special requests.
3. So called "special situations"...like birthdays can become your Achilles Heel, if you let it. Kids won't be adversely affected if the birthday is not celebrated on the exact day as their birth...for Pete's sake. He can have a party for the kid on his next weekend....Kids accept this much better than adults seem to. They are just happy to have the party any time...Have your party for him...and, let his dad have another party for him. Same with holidays, such as Christmas....
3. for someone who is narcissistic or difficult or obstructive...Never...never...let them see you sweat! That type gets off on your reaction...on getting your goat...They live for your reaction because it give them the illusion of control over you.
4. Keep all communication as limited and brief as humanly possible. always business like. Not necessarily mean or snarky....just "professional" and business like....If they insult or criticize or try to start a fight....drop the rope--avoid "taking the bait".....
5. Do not make joint plans together....because all that could possibly go wrong...probably will...and, you will be blamed.
6. For major issues...let your lawyer do the talking.
I know that this sounds pretty cold...especially if you have your heart set on helping him be a "good father"....and envision happy Norman Rockwell type of co-parenting together.
But, one has to deal with the reality of the situation. This is the way it is with chronically difficult people....Otherwise, it can drive you nuts.....
I learned certain things.....
1. The rules of interaction are very different from dealing with a stable and reasonable, co-operative person. If you tend to try to be a "nice person" type.....get over that. It will bite you on the behind, every time you extend yourself.
2. You must have absolute and firm boundaries. No exceptions....go by the rules. (except in the most extreme of emergencies)….No special requests.
3. So called "special situations"...like birthdays can become your Achilles Heel, if you let it. Kids won't be adversely affected if the birthday is not celebrated on the exact day as their birth...for Pete's sake. He can have a party for the kid on his next weekend....Kids accept this much better than adults seem to. They are just happy to have the party any time...Have your party for him...and, let his dad have another party for him. Same with holidays, such as Christmas....
3. for someone who is narcissistic or difficult or obstructive...Never...never...let them see you sweat! That type gets off on your reaction...on getting your goat...They live for your reaction because it give them the illusion of control over you.
4. Keep all communication as limited and brief as humanly possible. always business like. Not necessarily mean or snarky....just "professional" and business like....If they insult or criticize or try to start a fight....drop the rope--avoid "taking the bait".....
5. Do not make joint plans together....because all that could possibly go wrong...probably will...and, you will be blamed.
6. For major issues...let your lawyer do the talking.
I know that this sounds pretty cold...especially if you have your heart set on helping him be a "good father"....and envision happy Norman Rockwell type of co-parenting together.
But, one has to deal with the reality of the situation. This is the way it is with chronically difficult people....Otherwise, it can drive you nuts.....
"Friday is not your time with them. Already have plans for his special day. However, if you would like you may stop by my house during a designated time only for a few minutes to wish him a HBD in the front yard."
What do you think?
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mamabear…..what do I think?.....honestly--I think that it is extending yourself....and, it has a good chance of going sideways...…
I can envision all kinds of ways that it could. Few minutes--in the front yard...the Father?...makes you sound like the Wicked Witch...when it is taken out of context...which it probably will.
Give them an inch...and they will take a mile....(I have been the victim of this)….
I can sense that you are probably trying to be reasonable and accommodating, just a little bit...because I'll bet the kid's milk money that you are feeling a bit guilty because it is your son's birthday.....
And, I'll go out on a limb thinking that you would want h im to be accommodating in such a way if the tables were turned....But--an obstructive person will STILL give you a hard time when the tables are turned...no matter how "nice" you are with them,
Plus, it is setting a precedent, for the next time that he wants a special exception....
mamabear…..I am just giving you my experience with this kind of a person....and, you will need to use your own judgement, in the end, anyway. And, it might go o.k.....this time....if you are lucky....
I'm not looking to be "bossy" about this...just giving you my particular line of reasoning.....
Lol....old saying----"Offer your hand, and they will take your arm"...….
Another saying....."You can hand-feed a shark; it can be done....But--it must be done verrrry carefully!"
I can envision all kinds of ways that it could. Few minutes--in the front yard...the Father?...makes you sound like the Wicked Witch...when it is taken out of context...which it probably will.
Give them an inch...and they will take a mile....(I have been the victim of this)….
I can sense that you are probably trying to be reasonable and accommodating, just a little bit...because I'll bet the kid's milk money that you are feeling a bit guilty because it is your son's birthday.....
And, I'll go out on a limb thinking that you would want h im to be accommodating in such a way if the tables were turned....But--an obstructive person will STILL give you a hard time when the tables are turned...no matter how "nice" you are with them,
Plus, it is setting a precedent, for the next time that he wants a special exception....
mamabear…..I am just giving you my experience with this kind of a person....and, you will need to use your own judgement, in the end, anyway. And, it might go o.k.....this time....if you are lucky....
I'm not looking to be "bossy" about this...just giving you my particular line of reasoning.....
Lol....old saying----"Offer your hand, and they will take your arm"...….
Another saying....."You can hand-feed a shark; it can be done....But--it must be done verrrry carefully!"
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Join Date: Apr 2018
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Today's a good day for a good day. Prayer and meditation are powerful.
One day at a time, things change. Especially as I take powerful actions like: Wait. Pray. Meditate.
The more I do these actions, the more I connect to new, healthy instincts, an inner knowing and seeing life in new ways.
One day at a time, things change. Especially as I take powerful actions like: Wait. Pray. Meditate.
The more I do these actions, the more I connect to new, healthy instincts, an inner knowing and seeing life in new ways.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
mamabear…..what do I think?.....honestly--I think that it is extending yourself....and, it has a good chance of going sideways...…
I can envision all kinds of ways that it could. Few minutes--in the front yard...the Father?...makes you sound like the Wicked Witch...when it is taken out of context...which it probably will.
Give them an inch...and they will take a mile....(I have been the victim of this)….
I can sense that you are probably trying to be reasonable and accommodating, just a little bit...because I'll bet the kid's milk money that you are feeling a bit guilty because it is your son's birthday.....
And, I'll go out on a limb thinking that you would want h im to be accommodating in such a way if the tables were turned....But--an obstructive person will STILL give you a hard time when the tables are turned...no matter how "nice" you are with them,
Plus, it is setting a precedent, for the next time that he wants a special exception....
mamabear…..I am just giving you my experience with this kind of a person....and, you will need to use your own judgement, in the end, anyway. And, it might go o.k.....this time....if you are lucky....
I'm not looking to be "bossy" about this...just giving you my particular line of reasoning.....
Lol....old saying----"Offer your hand, and they will take your arm"...….
Another saying....."You can hand-feed a shark; it can be done....But--it must be done verrrry carefully!"
I can envision all kinds of ways that it could. Few minutes--in the front yard...the Father?...makes you sound like the Wicked Witch...when it is taken out of context...which it probably will.
Give them an inch...and they will take a mile....(I have been the victim of this)….
I can sense that you are probably trying to be reasonable and accommodating, just a little bit...because I'll bet the kid's milk money that you are feeling a bit guilty because it is your son's birthday.....
And, I'll go out on a limb thinking that you would want h im to be accommodating in such a way if the tables were turned....But--an obstructive person will STILL give you a hard time when the tables are turned...no matter how "nice" you are with them,
Plus, it is setting a precedent, for the next time that he wants a special exception....
mamabear…..I am just giving you my experience with this kind of a person....and, you will need to use your own judgement, in the end, anyway. And, it might go o.k.....this time....if you are lucky....
I'm not looking to be "bossy" about this...just giving you my particular line of reasoning.....
Lol....old saying----"Offer your hand, and they will take your arm"...….
Another saying....."You can hand-feed a shark; it can be done....But--it must be done verrrry carefully!"
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Originally Posted by Mango212
I wouldn't respond at all, other than to pray, meditate and keep to no contact with the few exceptions already established. Seems like he's on a fishing expedition and seeing if you'll respond.
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I get a give-an-inch-take-a-yard vibe from your ex as well. With the birthday thing, if it's not in your agreement, it's not in your agreement. The purpose of the agreement is to have explicit, shared understandings of the circumstances under which each of you has parenting time with the kids so that you are not negotiating every eventuality until the kids are 18. You're going to follow the agreement.
If he wants to change the agreement, the proper channel is through mediation, because that's where the agreement came from in the first place.
I assume he can phone/text/Skype the kid to wish him a happy birthday?
If he wants to change the agreement, the proper channel is through mediation, because that's where the agreement came from in the first place.
I assume he can phone/text/Skype the kid to wish him a happy birthday?
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Originally Posted by mamabear26
I've thought about not responding at all but my worry is that he will show up to my house unannounced or his mother will. I just don't understand where he is getting that he is suppose to have them on Friday.
This is the same man that lives with his parents, is an active alcoholic and has a woman sleeping with him at his parent's house (I still find that so odd).
Bottom line, his thinking may just be unclear. I would like to know why he assumes that as well, but I wouldn't ask if I were you (mind you he will probably give you an earful of why he expects that, once you say no).
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