Cadence57

So, yesterday morning, in a moment of weakness and fear and insecurity, and... stupidity... I emailed my exA and asked if I could come down to visit where he just moved (in the Carribbean)... to see him and talk. We've been communicating via email (wait, I've been communicating - I get very little feedback), we haven't talked on the phone at all since we broke up... I'm frustrated with his avoidance - I feel like we need to talk but... <sigh>

On the bright side, I gave it a lot of thought and, later, I regretted sending him that email. So last night I sent him yet another email and asked him to disregard the first one. I told him that it's silly to come down there - talking won't solve anything now, any more than it did before. I'm all talked out - time for action. He knows what he needs to do and he doesn't need me coming all the way down there to tell him what he already knows.

It was just me - missing him... I told him that too - I won't lie about it. I miss him terribly but I can't do what needs to be done to fix it.

I think I'm learning.

hope2bhappy

You just had a weak moment -- we all do sometimes. Hang in there!

journeygal

Cadence, you're mistaken. It was one step sideways, but you corrected it with one step forward.

givingup

Cadence - you've got company in this crowd. I think we have all had those moments of weakness. I feel amazingly strong when I have those urges and don't act on them. I am coming to realize that I don't have to give in to every impulse either. I expect him not to so I'm working on it too.

Its a law of physics that two things can't occupy the same space so try filling the void he has left with something else. Are you dating again? Are you going out with friends? I know its easier said than done, but I also know that time will help you out.

You've got a great head on your shoulders and a clear vision of what you want and need. I'm behind you all the way.

Cadence57

Ah - perspective...
There's a song by Wynonnah Ryder (sp) in which one part says, "When you hit rock bottom you've got two ways to go --- straight up or sideways" I've repeated that line to myself many many times over the past 13 years since my divorce... I find myself repeating it more frequently again since breaking up with my A.
It's all good.

Cadence57

Wow, great point!! I never thought of it in those terms but it really is only fair, if I expect him to not give in, I should be expected to be at least as strong willed... (I love this place, I really do!)
I did feel very strong when I realized that going to visit with him would accomplish nothing in terms of reviving that dead horse I keep trying to beat...


We have not been physically together in almost a year - except for visiting each other every other month or so, so it's not a void in terms of his physical presence... it's more of an emotional void. I have not dated yet although I did throw an ad up on a couple of sites... I don't feel ready to get back on that particular horse just yet, although I know it would do me good just to get out once in a while! All in good time, I s'pose
Thanks

jessieandme2003

Hi Cadence.

Just wanted to also agree that it's ok to slip every now and then - as long as we recognize it for what it was. A slip. And not try to rationalize or justify it.

You missed him. You slipped. Maybe you hoped hearing from you or seeing you would spur him into more action of change? Maybe you felt he wasn't showing the signs of changing you want, and you started to fear he wasn't going to and you'd have to accept goodbye forever? I know I slipped plenty out of plain old loneliness, and that overwhelming craving for 'what could be if he'd just be the guy I imagine he can be'.

I am so proud of you for realizing afterward that you acted on impulse and quickly trying to stop things before you went down a bad path.

Way to go!

I wanted to share with you that dating again was a double-edged sword for me.

On the one side, even having a guy interested in me and taking me out did wonders for my self esteem. Made me realize how fun it could be to have someone making me feel that way again. Helped me see that he was by far not the only one who could make me feel that way.

I started to lose weight, get cute clothes, all of which continued bolstering my self esteem. It was really great for me, I enjoyed the feeling of potential and the feeling of control it gave me.

The other side of that sword was that I had to be careful NOT to fill the void my AH left with another man. And to be honest, that is too easy to do. That is what I did the first time and it is way wrong. You end up picking badly again because you want to fill that void.

People here recommended I avoid new relationships for a while and get more comfortable with being me, and getting to know me first. They were very right.

So be careful, and don't date again until you can be sure you want what that person can add to your already-full life, and not for that person to become your life, or fill a void in your life.