relishme

I'm new to the site and I'm looking for input on how to handle my alcoholic boyfriend with whom I've been living with for the past 6 years. My history is a divorced mother of 1 grown son with no previous history in dealing with an alcoholism. My boyfriend "Bob" is a lifelong alcoholic with a very supportive family, but they have grown weary of the drama involved in his life in recent history. Bob is currently attending AA and had been sober for over 8 months when he relapsed a couple of weeks ago. He relapsed again this week. I am a stable, upstanding person who has struggled with his disease. I love him very much, but he has never allowed me to completely trust him due to his mismanagement of money and habitual lying. In recent months, he's returned to school to work on his degree. Through the 6 years we've been together, he's worked intermittantly. He's currently not working and hasn't been for the past 2 years approximately. I pay all the bills and manage the household. We're always broke because I just don't make enough money to support 2 people. I've grown very tired of the struggle and recently I've recognized that I too have an addiction. My addiction is his addiction. I've finally realized that I can't "fix" him. My love and support is not enough. I've grown increasingly resentful of him and I don't understand why he doesn't understand and appreciate all the things I've done for him and the sacrifices I've made for him. I love him very much and I care about him deeply, but I've realized that this relationship is not healthy at this time. It feels more like a parent/child relationship. He's back in AA after the relapses and has committed to 180 meeting in 180 days, pursuant to his 2 sponsers (yes 2) at AA. This past week, I asked him to move out, knowing he doesn't have anyplace to go or the funds to pay for it. My hope is that it will jump start his though process and realize that I'm not kidding when I tell him that I can no longer handle the disease. Hopefully, his parents will allow him to stay with them until he gets on his feet, but he hasn't spoken to them yet. I look at what I'm doing as a bit of "tough love". One reason he's in this position right now is because his parent's always came to his rescue, and then I sort of picked up where his parents fell short. We are keeping things very amicable and I told him that I don't want to sever all ties with him, but instead give him the room and time he needs to be able to be self-sufficient and stand on his own. He's taking everything VERY well. He completely understands my position, and is sorry he put me there.

My question is am I on the right track? I want to be fair to him, but true to myself (over here in the corner licking my wounds). Should I abandon all hope with him or am I doing the right thing by forcing him to face up to the reality of life and support himself?

Any feedback (negative or positive) will be appreciated! I'm hanging in there!

hope2bhappy

Welcome, Relish. You have come to the right place to find support.

Why hasn't your husband been working for two years?

I think you did the right thing, but I do question your motives. You said that you asked him to move out in the hopes it would jump start his thought process (in other words, to make him realize what he is doing and make him behave in a different way). Since you can't control the way another person behaves or thinks, you might not achieve the result you were hoping for.

Having said that, I do think you did the right thing. It would be best if you could now leave him to himself to find his own way, in his own time, by his own means. I wouldn't say that you should abandon all hope that things will work out in the end. But I would say that you should move on with your life as though they will not. If you keep this thought of hope in your head, it can interfere with and hinder your own recovery, because you will remain focused on a future event that may or may not happen. I would forget my AH for now, work on my own recovery and have faith that my Higher Power will lead my paths in the direction He wants me to go. Turn it over.

I know this is painful for you. You've made a very brave decision.

Shel

OMG you are living my life...I can totally relate with the parent/child thing......I have 3 of my own kids ot take care of I cannot support him too. Although mine is not taking it so pleasantly...he too hasn't anywhere else to go (should have been my first clue) real interested to hear the responses.......I keep telling myself it will be worth it in the end but inside I am being torn apart! (((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))

relishme

You're right Hope. I may possibly be holding on to the hope of reuniting with him once he's "found" himself. I'm really struggling with my decision and I'm so sad about it. BUT, I'm definitely looking forward to working on myself. I keep trying to think about all the positive things I will gain by living on my own, and the list keeps growing!

It's just so hard....and sad. Thanks for your words of encouragement; I truly appreciate them.

hope2bhappy

Make a list of all these positive things and tape them to your bathroom mirror as a constant reminder. Don't lose sight of your goal.

relishme

Thanks, Shel. I feel your pain, too. Hang in there because you're worth it. I know I'm very thankful I at least have an understanding alcoholic who knows he put me in this awful position to make this tough decision. I'm so sad about it all. I told him last night that I just wish he was "normal". It made him cry because he knows that he is not and he knows that it breaks my heart. Tough times......I hope things will work out for the both of us in the end........but until then, I will try to begin the healing.

Cadence57

This is a great suggestion!! I think I'll do the same thing.

Relishme, breaking up is difficult and you may not accomplish what you hope to with him but... if you work on yourself, you may find that what you thought you wanted isn't the same as what you need.
Good luck!

delabarreda74

you are couragous...and finding your own Higher power....goodluck...PM me if you like, our situation, like most, are truly similar...blessings to you...

T

jessieandme2003

hope2bhappy said it all so perfectly. I don't know what to say except please reread that first response hope posted.

You must be usre your motives are in no way to 'help' him in his recovery. Anything you do beyond focusing only on yourself is not helping him. It really is that simple.

relishme

Today.....I am very weak. He's being so kind to me and I feel like such a horrible person by asking him to leave. I already miss him and he hasn't even moved out yet. I feel like I'm caving in. I feel like I want to tell him that he can stay in the house (he truly doesn't have any other option right now), but he will not receive any financial help from me anymore. Damn. I keep thinking of Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne, and how she's stuck by him, through thick and thin. Am I nuts? I realize I've enabled some of the behavior, but my heart is telling me "don't give up on him, he needs a friend right now". I really need guidance.

hope2bhappy

Maybe you're not ready for this step. It would be better to stay the course rather than play the back-and-forth game (kick him out, take him back, kick him out...). When you are ready, you will make the choice. But be aware that it will NEVER be easy or pain free. Nobody here is going to fault you for backing out for now. We will support you as best we can.