AH in recovery, not respecting boundaries
 

So the week after we moved into our new house, my AH’s drinking spiraled out of control. He lost job, insurance, etc. and stayed out drinking for days. I called cops for a wellness check (he was in a park), they brought him to ER, he went through a 10 day detox and is now in a sober living house. I asked him to do his recovery off of the island we live on and he came here anyway. Sober house is 5 miles from me and our 2 year old daughter. I asked him not to be in touch until he hit 30 days sober. He’s at about 20 and he has texted nearly every day, saying he’s sorry, he’s lonely, he’s feeling hopeless, he misses us, etc. etc. etc. I told him he needs to rebuild himself, not to keep turning to me. He said all the other guys he lives with visit their families and it is crushing him not to see us. I’m still so dumbfounded about everything that’s happened in the last month that I don’t feel ready to see him. Am I being unfair? Why can’t he respect my boundaries? I’m trying to keep myself sane/stable in a brand new demanding job and most importantly stay positive for our daughter. I’ve gone to one al-anon meeting and will continue at least once a week. Any advice?

My advice would be to stick firm to your boundaries. If you need space, by all means take it.

You don't have to answer every text if you don't want to.

He isn't honouring your boundaries, but I think you should. If he actually cares about healing his family unit he will respect your feelings, not push them all aside for his own desires. Actions speak louder than words. He isn't acting with respect to your requests.

Your sanity is integral to your health and to your daughters well being . Keep doing what you need to do to look after you and her, that's what is fair.

Good for you attending alanon. Keep it up! And hang out here with us as much as you want/need, we get it!

Samson....you are not being unfair. Not at all. Hold tight to your boundaries.

He’s at about 20 and he has texted nearly every day, saying he’s sorry, he’s lonely, he’s feeling hopeless, he misses us, etc. etc. etc.
Tell him tough cookies. Choices have consequences. He made his bed, he can lie in it. It won't kill him to face the repercussion of his choices. You do what you need to do for you.

I think it's important to stay focused on the facts. This is a highly emotional time and I'm sorry you are having to go through this.

Yes, I am sure he is sad and lonely (and I'm sorry he is) but the facts are:

Mental health issues are a big factor in alcoholism, no doubt and so it's easy to have compassion and empathy at times and that's not wrong. That said, you have yourself and your child to look out for. Ideally your AH would be looking out for all of you too.

This, in my opinion, is where you need to take the focus off him and put it on to you and your child (yes, easier said than done). There are big things going on in his life but, especially, with him losing his job etc your responsibilities have grown and that is where your focus needs to be.

Your boundaries are not wrong. While there is no need to punish him (which seems to be his take on this, I don't see that) there is a real need to stay focused on yourself.

Hi, samson.
Welcome.
Yep. Tough darts for him.
Sober houses ain’t fun. My sib went into one after a forced detox, and the very first night he called my mother, begging her to let him come home.
He said it was a terrible place, that everyone there was crazy, except him, that he didn’t belong there, yada, yada, yada.
When he got day out privileges, he would visit my mom and cry the blues about how awful his life was having to live there.
But, guess what. They got him sober and kept him sober for the duration of his time there, a couple of years.
We finally let him come back to live with his mother, mostly because she was miserable and guilty about the situation.
And guess what else?
Within a year he was drinking again. He has never worked any type of recovery program.
Fast forward several years. He has a cirrhotic liver, still drinks til he passes out, and is dying by inches.
Stick to your guns.
We knew two years of peace while sib was in sober living.
I would give anything to have that back.
My biggest regret is that we let him move back home.

Welcome to Soberrecovery. I'm glad you found us. Also so sorry for what brings you here.

There is probably a sticky around here on boundaries. From what I understand about boundaries, they are for you not him. Tell him what you are going to do not what you want him to do. Example: Instead of saying "Don't text me", say, "If you text me, I will block you.". In a way a boundary is a game plan for yourself to protect yourself. In actuality you need not even tell the other person.

Keep reading and posting. We will try to support you.

Got this message today...so maybe he is beginning to understand. "I just want you to know I had a three hour therapy session today and I learned a lot. I asked her to explain everything to me from your perspective and I understand why you need space to heal. I’m sorry and I’m working hard. Let me know when you’re ready to talk. I love and miss you." While I wish he had just learned that and NOT reached out, I will continue to keep my boundaries (and be clear about what I will do if he doesn't respect them rather than telling him what to do/not to do). Thank you all.

They are like naughty children. Give in on one thing and they will expect that, over and over. They will test your boundaries repeatedly, don't give in.

Big hugs.

This is what early or no real recovery looks like. He will attempt over and over again to manipulate you. The end goal for him is to wear you down, get you to just say “OK, I give up come home”.

Just because he is texting you doesn’t mean you need to answer him back. If his contact is interfering with your new job, your home life, your peace and serenity then turn your phone off.

Very often we have to take what they are unwilling to give. In this case it’s your boundary, it’s your sanity and you not only deserve it you need it.