vike

I've just got back from lunch with my AB, he's been sober for about 7 weeks now after checking himself into rehab (for the third time). I can't get over this one. He almost drank himself DEAD! My ex was an A i stayed married to him for 20 years. My boyfriend is a binger--he doesn't seem to have to drink for 1 month or maybe 6 months but once he starts he usually ends up almost dying, or getting arrested (he has no license). His brother who is also an A (but won't admit it) is skating on thin ice with his new wife because of his drinking--but he doesn't have a problem (according to him)with drinking but does have a problem with me and his new wife talking with each other. My BF's dad is a alcoholic who had stopped for about 10 years but since his dr said that it would be good for him to have a glass of wine now and then (i'm sure he didn't tell the dr he's had a problem with throwing his kids agains the walls and accusing his wife of terrible things when he drinks) so his glass of wine---a tall tumbler of wine or a glass of burbon is what the dr ordered. He knows my troubles with his son and runs around the house hidding his alcohol, not for long because his stumbling gets in the way. My bf's rehab shrink suggested he come in for counseling (not only his every 2 month med check) and go to AA meetings, after all the meds only can help so much. He can't figure out a way to get to these places (won't ask, won't find the cab's #, what other excuses can i think of) so he sits in his parents basement and go to ON line AA meetings, i think they may help but i don't think it's the same as face to face and making the effort to get there. I just get soooooo angry right not i can't hardly see straight!!!!!! All of these lies, all of the excuses, that's all i can see, i can't see anything else. My bf is the only person in this circle of craziness that i care about, but after the last time i think i ran out of that too. I've failed the detachment lesson. I won't help or interfere, it's their problem but it makes me sooooooooooooooooooooo ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just ate myself sick with a hot fudge sunday!!!!!! What is wrong with me!!!??? Why can't i detach on the inside as well as on the outside, this is tearing my apart, i feel like 2 different people when the subject of alcohol comes up. On the outside i'm calm, i let them handle thier problems, i let them HANG themselves, on the inside it drives me NUTS!!!!

hope2bhappy

Well, I guess going to online AA meetings is better than nothing, right? Why do you suppose it bothers you so much? If he's satisfied with his chosen method of recovery, why don't you just leave it at that and focus on your own feelings of anger, control and detachment. You know you can't control his drinking anymore than you can control his recovery. And it's not just him you're concerned with -- you're concerned with every member of his family. You must be exhausted!

I find it interesting that you came out of a 20-year marriage with an alcoholic, only to turn around and involve yourself in another alcoholic relationship.

Read some of the posts here that deal with detachment and start working on yourself.

Magichappens

I have found that it is really hard for me to stop focussing on other people because I avoid focussing on me. I was able to see where everyone else could get better, was willing to help in any way I could. But the one person that I didn't treat well or pay attention to was me.

It was very hard to stop my brain from obsessing. I went to meetings, talked peoples ears off, attended counselling, and typed my fingers off. I read everything I possibly could get my hands on about the effects of alcoholism on the family, and codependency. It took time for my brain to follow my lead. As I worked on me, I was able to start liking and respecting me. The parts that I was avoiding were things that, although they needed improvement, didn't make me a bad person.

I still go there. There are times when I still find myself in the middle of a self made chaos. But it doesn't last as long, and it doesn't happen as often. When I am in the middle of it, I feel like I haven't even made any progress. Those are the times I hang on to my a$$ and tell myself that this too shall pass. And it does.

Whatever you are doing to help yourself, keep doing it. Keep trying. Keep moving forward. Vent if you need to. But know that this too shall pass. That it won't last forever. And that you are growing. You aren't alone. Hugs, Magic

vike

You are both right, if i focus on me i am fine. I'm going to school part time, i have a full time job, i've got 2 kids. I've buying a home, i've got plans and goals. I've come a very very long way since my divorce 4 years ago. My bf does not live with me, he use to but i kicked him out and he went away for a bit, then came back to "repair" things. I won't let him move in with us, because i would never do that again to my kids. He lives with his parents and i visit the house almost every day. When i walk in there i see things and hear things that make my brain hurt!!! The grandkids are dumped off there because his sister wants to go party or can't afford a baby sitter. The sister borrows money or has people cosigns loans without worring about paying back the debt. I open a cupboard to find a glass or something and find a tumbler full of wine. The brother drinks even though he's got medication that the mix could be lethal and his new wife talks to me for support. My bf doesn't have any other friends and just sits in the basement in front of his computer (which is the least of my concerns). Actually none of this really worries me it's just that sometimes my harddrive in my brain CRASHES------it's like walking into a wierd dream nothing makes sense to me--nothing computes. The issues
between my bf and i are alcohol related. He will always be an alcoholic and i have to find a way to either deal with it or leave--it's that simple. His moving out doesn't seem to be a priority for him (he's 38) he doesn't like to be alone and he says his parents like him there. I was just in a crash,,,sorry

hope2bhappy

Vike, you're going to school, you've got a job, you're buying a home, you've got two beautiful children... This is all a strong foundation on which to build a new and better way of life for yourself and your kids. You have a lot going for yourself and more than 20 years experience dealing with this disease. You know the pitfalls and what to expect. Look at what all you have accomplished for yourself! You can do this. Focus on all the good and positive things in your life. Keep moving forward and work a program for your own recovery. Once you let go, you won't believe how much better you will feel.