Ready for change but also scared
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 37
Ready for change but also scared
I have not posted for awhile but not much has changed. My husband & I sit on the hamster wheel & I am ready to get off. A short re-cap my husband is a functioning alcoholic who most would never know he drinks. He goes to work every day & along with me helps provide for our family but he drinks everyday. He has admitted he drinks about 12 beers throughout the day. I am sure they are timed it has become so habitual. We have had the same conversation so many times & in the end I know it is me that has to be the strong one but it makes me feel mean. I am tired of his drinking & promises. In the last few months he seems much more depressed & overall I am a very happy person & continue to be happy outside of him because I have too many other things to be grateful for. I know I am not the reason he drinks but he continues to blame me & our marriage & says he would quit if I would help him. This conversation has been repeated for 2 years & he does nothing to help himself. He does not get outside help, will quit for 2 weeks & right back at it. I try to tell him he will not be successful without outside help but he thinks he can do it himself. I have educated myself enough to know I am not at fault & I cannot help him if he does not want to really quit. He literally sent me a message that said "I should not be drinking in the first place because you should be making me happy"! The more he makes these comments the higher my walls go for there is no talking to him. I am sad that in his heart he does not want to take responsibility so in the end my only choice is to ask him to move out. I have been in this place for at least a year, feeling bad to have to make this decision. My son who is 8 adores him & I know it would break his heart not to have his Dad there but I know it is not healthy to show him a marriage that is not healthy. I have not been to counseling in over 2 months for I did not want to talk in circle for I have been stuck for sometime but I do not think I will ever be ready. I had hope my husband would quit & had hope for our marriage. There are those good days that give you glimmers of hope but I do not want a good day, I want a good life! I am afraid I will me messing up my son but the same could happen with my husband living with us. So I made an appointment with my counselor on Thursday for I need help to stay strong to ask for a separation. If my husband does not want to quit & he wants to continue blaming me & we have been stuck for years, then it is time for me to put me first but man it is not easy. I feel like the mean one but I can only help me! It is just hard for I am not wanting to be mean to my husband but when he blames me I have not other choice then to be cold & direct. It just never feels good or right! How do you get past that feeling?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,629
Originally Posted by Stacy0701 
It just never feels good or right! How do you get past that feeling?
"I should not be drinking in the first place because you should be making me happy"!
You know, when I look at this, I don't even understand it. What exactly does that even mean? Does it mean his life, his thoughts suck so you should fix that? If that's so, how is that done? Are you just jolly and upbeat all the time and taking all the responsibility? Does it mean you are planning fun vacations? I have no idea.
Or maybe it just means total acceptance of his drinking.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 37
I have noticed that when my husband sees I am done & my walls go up & I keep my distance from him, he goes into blame mode. I am not doing this & I am not doing that for him! I have learned that saying nothing is best for me but it gets him so mad for it adds to his list of what I am not doing. Right now my husband hates his life. We went on vacation & had a great week but when we come back he goes into depression, like he cannot handle the day to day but life is not a vacation & I am not a cruise director making sure you are entertained every second of your life. He also takes no responsibility for his own happiness. It is exhausting! He needs outside help for his drinking & his depression. He puts it all on me! I would gladly take my part in where our marriage is but my counselor said he needs to work on himself first before you can work on your marriage but since he blames me & will not own it & get help to quit, we stay on the hamster wheel. So if he does not want to get off, I know I have to & that is not easy for me! At home now we are roommates. We will talk about the kids & who is picking up & how our days were but there is no intimacy & most because of me. I am not attracted to what alcohol does to him, how he smells or most nights he is out by 8:30. He just has no clue what all of this has done to me either. I know it is time to put me first but it breaks my heart for my family!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,629
Absolutely. Your feelings are very normal. It is heartbreaking. What should be a unit will not be (in the traditional sense). Then again, it isn't really is it?
I grew up with an alcoholic family. My Mother didn't leave my Father until I was around 17. While myself and my siblings were relieved, I have to say I did have that thought. That "unit" was gone forever. It was a passing thought. Basically that security (such as it was) was gone.
You know what. I never missed it. The upside of not being required to be around an alcoholic Father was 100 times better than any "security".
My Dad worked out of town a lot, those weeks he was away were great. My Mom was great, the peace and normalcy were great!
I guess my (rambling) point is, if you can't do this for yourself, perhaps focus more on doing it for your child? I would hope you would take yourself in to account as well though. You deserve to have a contented life and peace of mind. You are with someone blaming you constantly. While your logical mind knows this is quack quack - it doesn't not have an effect, it just can't unless you have defense walls of steel.
I grew up with an alcoholic family. My Mother didn't leave my Father until I was around 17. While myself and my siblings were relieved, I have to say I did have that thought. That "unit" was gone forever. It was a passing thought. Basically that security (such as it was) was gone.
You know what. I never missed it. The upside of not being required to be around an alcoholic Father was 100 times better than any "security".
My Dad worked out of town a lot, those weeks he was away were great. My Mom was great, the peace and normalcy were great!
I guess my (rambling) point is, if you can't do this for yourself, perhaps focus more on doing it for your child? I would hope you would take yourself in to account as well though. You deserve to have a contented life and peace of mind. You are with someone blaming you constantly. While your logical mind knows this is quack quack - it doesn't not have an effect, it just can't unless you have defense walls of steel.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Many addicts/alcoholics play the 'blame game' when they feel their addiction is challenged. And, most often they blame the spouse or partner....and they blame life in general or a job they hate....whatever....one of the things they MUST come to terms with is to STOP BLAMING anyone or anyTHING for their drinking ....this is part of starting TRUE recovery.
No one and I mean NO ONE forces them to pour booze down their throat. He's a grown man with a hand that works and an elbow that bends just fine on their own.
So, for you: try to shed the blame he's trying to put on you like water off a duck's back. You are not to blame. I KNOW you know that, but maybe you need to hear it from us!
Hang in there. Keep doing what's right for you and your child....put yourself first. He'll either figure it out or not.
No one and I mean NO ONE forces them to pour booze down their throat. He's a grown man with a hand that works and an elbow that bends just fine on their own.
So, for you: try to shed the blame he's trying to put on you like water off a duck's back. You are not to blame. I KNOW you know that, but maybe you need to hear it from us!
Hang in there. Keep doing what's right for you and your child....put yourself first. He'll either figure it out or not.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 37
[QUOTE=trailmix
I grew up with an alcoholic family. My Mother didn't leave my Father until I was around 17. While myself and my siblings were relieved, I have to say I did have that thought. That "unit" was gone forever. It was a passing thought. Basically that security (such as it was) was gone.
You know what. I never missed it. The upside of not being required to be around an alcoholic Father was 100 times better than any "security".
My Dad worked out of town a lot, those weeks he was away were great. My Mom was great, the peace and normalcy were great!
[/QUOTE]
My Dad was an alcoholic as well but my parents divorced when I was 6. It was not until I was older that I was so glad I did not grow up in the same house as my Dad. My son is 8 & my daughter is 17. It is his relationship with my son that breaks my heart when I see them playing together & we try to keep our house a safe & loving environment but there are times things happen & I am sure my son notices things I do not even realize. My daughter is completely aware & she is from my first marriage & even though my husband has been in her life since she was 6, she would not care if he moved out.
I grew up with an alcoholic family. My Mother didn't leave my Father until I was around 17. While myself and my siblings were relieved, I have to say I did have that thought. That "unit" was gone forever. It was a passing thought. Basically that security (such as it was) was gone.
You know what. I never missed it. The upside of not being required to be around an alcoholic Father was 100 times better than any "security".
My Dad worked out of town a lot, those weeks he was away were great. My Mom was great, the peace and normalcy were great!
[/QUOTE]
My Dad was an alcoholic as well but my parents divorced when I was 6. It was not until I was older that I was so glad I did not grow up in the same house as my Dad. My son is 8 & my daughter is 17. It is his relationship with my son that breaks my heart when I see them playing together & we try to keep our house a safe & loving environment but there are times things happen & I am sure my son notices things I do not even realize. My daughter is completely aware & she is from my first marriage & even though my husband has been in her life since she was 6, she would not care if he moved out.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I need help to stay strong to ask for a separation
you don't ASK......you tell. don't give him any more power. if YOU want to separate, then YOU take those steps, regardless of what he does. don't think you should hang the "unless you quit" carrot out there.....as you have seen he CAN quit for periods of time.....that is not a solution, that's a temporary fix to get you off his back. if each time you say "i'm leaving unless you....." then you give him the "chance" to play sober man for a couple more weeks. it's a game.
and let's say he did truly choose to get sober and stay sober. surely you've read around here enough to see that that is NEVER a picnic for anyone, and often leads to such frustration and disappointment, that if the sober spouse hadn't left before, they find themselves doing so even WHEN the A has some sober time under their belts.
because this is all way more than JUST about the DRINKING.
you don't ASK......you tell. don't give him any more power. if YOU want to separate, then YOU take those steps, regardless of what he does. don't think you should hang the "unless you quit" carrot out there.....as you have seen he CAN quit for periods of time.....that is not a solution, that's a temporary fix to get you off his back. if each time you say "i'm leaving unless you....." then you give him the "chance" to play sober man for a couple more weeks. it's a game.
and let's say he did truly choose to get sober and stay sober. surely you've read around here enough to see that that is NEVER a picnic for anyone, and often leads to such frustration and disappointment, that if the sober spouse hadn't left before, they find themselves doing so even WHEN the A has some sober time under their belts.
because this is all way more than JUST about the DRINKING.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
"I should not be drinking in the first place because you should be making me happy"!
And YOU feel mean?
Glad you are coming to a moment of action for yourself and your children. I grew up with an A father, and yes we had our share of good times for sure, but the scars and damage run deep, esp I think in my 3 A bros., and in how much damage it did to my mother's personality, it warped her to keep putting up with that crap and playing all the games she had to play and her warped thinking that somehow we were not affected and it was only so bad for HER. These wounds run deep to this day. Weird thing is Dad got sober and truly recovered, just became a very different person, but Mom never did any work on herself and continues to this day with super unhealthy codependent, controlling, and warped thinking. :-(
I've also been through a divorce, yes it was very difficult, boys were 5 and 9, it was tough, but that first step, that decision to separate was so freeing, and I realized it was a process, not like some dramatic darkness descending or anything! And each day got better, and I was honest with the kids about how hard it was and I was available to talk all the time. I did repeat over and over that it was not their fault, it was an adult issue and it was complicated and didn't mean Dad didn't love them or that they couldn't love Dad etc. Ugh. It's certainly not easy but wow the peace of mind is priceless, the new peaceful life I was able to create for the boys was priceless, and worth all the transitional difficulty.... I wish you strength and courage.
You sound decisive now and strong, and I agree with Anvil, it's not something you ask for it's something you tell your equal partner: you are done, pulling out, finished. And he may try all the alcoholic cartwheels to get you to defer....but if he wants to get sober and save the relationship it will have to happen after separation that's all and only if YOU want that on your end too. The man has had plenty of days to choose sobriety, and statements like the one he shared with you above show he is a long, long way from recovery and sobriety anyway, and you can't delay your happiness or peace of mind another minute!!
((((hugs)))))
Peace,
B
And YOU feel mean?
Glad you are coming to a moment of action for yourself and your children. I grew up with an A father, and yes we had our share of good times for sure, but the scars and damage run deep, esp I think in my 3 A bros., and in how much damage it did to my mother's personality, it warped her to keep putting up with that crap and playing all the games she had to play and her warped thinking that somehow we were not affected and it was only so bad for HER. These wounds run deep to this day. Weird thing is Dad got sober and truly recovered, just became a very different person, but Mom never did any work on herself and continues to this day with super unhealthy codependent, controlling, and warped thinking. :-(
I've also been through a divorce, yes it was very difficult, boys were 5 and 9, it was tough, but that first step, that decision to separate was so freeing, and I realized it was a process, not like some dramatic darkness descending or anything! And each day got better, and I was honest with the kids about how hard it was and I was available to talk all the time. I did repeat over and over that it was not their fault, it was an adult issue and it was complicated and didn't mean Dad didn't love them or that they couldn't love Dad etc. Ugh. It's certainly not easy but wow the peace of mind is priceless, the new peaceful life I was able to create for the boys was priceless, and worth all the transitional difficulty.... I wish you strength and courage.
You sound decisive now and strong, and I agree with Anvil, it's not something you ask for it's something you tell your equal partner: you are done, pulling out, finished. And he may try all the alcoholic cartwheels to get you to defer....but if he wants to get sober and save the relationship it will have to happen after separation that's all and only if YOU want that on your end too. The man has had plenty of days to choose sobriety, and statements like the one he shared with you above show he is a long, long way from recovery and sobriety anyway, and you can't delay your happiness or peace of mind another minute!!
((((hugs)))))
Peace,
B
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,629
Yes for sure your 8 year old knows.
Thing is, if you decide to leave, his Dad is not disappearing. He will still be there and he will spend time with him, just not like now.
It's something he will get used to and hopefully look forward to. In a roundabout way you will probably be doing your AH a favor in terms of their relationship (assuming he takes it seriously and shows up).
Thing is, if you decide to leave, his Dad is not disappearing. He will still be there and he will spend time with him, just not like now.
It's something he will get used to and hopefully look forward to. In a roundabout way you will probably be doing your AH a favor in terms of their relationship (assuming he takes it seriously and shows up).
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 184
While my abusive A was still in the house, I found an article "How the Alcoholic Thinks" online. I read it at the time and bookmarked it. I found it again today in my bookmarks and, when I read it now, so much is clear. The A is entitled and blames you for everything. I almost laughed out loud when I read that today--the entire article was him.
It's not your fault and you are not responsible (I can hear my former A yelling "it's not my fault/I didn't do anything"). I also agree that you don't "ask" for a separation, you tell him. Good luck.
It's not your fault and you are not responsible (I can hear my former A yelling "it's not my fault/I didn't do anything"). I also agree that you don't "ask" for a separation, you tell him. Good luck.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Stacy......it is not "mean" to provide an alcoholism free environment for your son.....It is not "mean" to leave a toxic marriage.....
It is mean to yourself and your son to stay longer and longer....as things get worse and worse....
Your being there is not helping him to get sober.....
All of hi s blaming you is just quacking....detach from it....
Read the "Quackers" thread...it might give you a better perspective about the crap that he is saying...….
It is mean to yourself and your son to stay longer and longer....as things get worse and worse....
Your being there is not helping him to get sober.....
All of hi s blaming you is just quacking....detach from it....
Read the "Quackers" thread...it might give you a better perspective about the crap that he is saying...….
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
You know he's not willing to change to help himself so you have to change. Change your dynamics and save yourself and your child! The only male you owe anything to is your 8 year old son! Put the safety n security of that child first over your alcoholic husband.
You know he's not willing to change to help himself so you have to change. Change your dynamics and save yourself and your child! The only male you owe anything to is your 8 year old son! Put the safety n security of that child first over your alcoholic husband.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
