qtpi

As I read this thread over it reminded me of how long I held onto the hope that XAH would "get it"-noone in Alanon would give me "Advice" even though I asked - except one elderly lady said to me- Don't do what I did! Get out before you get old. I remembered that- eventually I got out. I wish I had escaped from my own denial much sooner. I really do. I wasted a lot of years. I would love to be able to save someone else from that- but I guess in a way that is also codependent behavior. Spring babe- alanon maybe a good place to learn more about alcoholism and get support. Baby steps.

qtpi

People who drink regularly are in the minority. Maybe 10 to 15 percent. I work in a hospital. Every person who comes here is asked about drinking. Most ...like 90 percent...don't drink at all..maybe at a wedding. That's normal and healthy. I know doctors say 7 drinks a week for women 14 for men but that's like an ounce of liquor or one beer counts as one. And that's the outside limit. Most regular drinkers eventually drink more than that if they are alcoholic.

Berrybean

When yiur boyfriend (regularly ) drink drives, he puts you and his lives, plus the lives of countless people's parents, children, grandparents and friends at risk. He is also risking his likelihood.

I live in the UK. I've met plenty of alcoholics in recovery who went to prison and lost jobs through drink driving. All of them, without exception, didn't think it would ever happen.

Drink driving isn't okay. His grieving a list child doesn't justify him putting other people's family members at risk. You know that really. And careful doesn't cut it.

BB

misskittka

Your smart, still quite young, and have a job. Get out now while you can, while you are young and have a job.

This guy is a typical A slow train wreck waiting to happen. Don't waste your precious life with someone who just wants to bumble through their life drunk and expect the rest of the world to take care of them.

Trust me, the charm wears off quick when you have to clean up their vomit, carry them to bed, bath them, dress them oh and pay all the bills because they cant work, over and over for years and years to come.

You will eventually get sick of it and leave, I hope the sooner the better.

qtpi

How about- when he comes to pick you up- you always drive home? This is putting a bandaid on a train wreck- but it' s something. You can start with little steps to make a better life.

Springbabe

It's OK I'll just leave him then if that's the only solution, I'll just have to be lonely and miserable all my life while all my friends and cousins live happily ever after with their non-alcoholic partners, and my uncle will just carry on picking on me and my brother because we both live at home unemployed, I hate life I hate it I hate alcohol why does alcohol have to exist? I feel like killing myself what's the point in going on? There's no support, no help, just loneliness, just going to have a lonely sexless life, and NO I am NOT using dating sites I hate them. I'll just have to go on living how I was living before I met my boyfriend, sleeping with a married man because of being so lonely with no sex. No, I am not with my boyfriend just for sex, I fell in love with him as a person but sex is just a bonus or luxury in a relationship and it does my depression good, yes I suffer depression and prone to panic attacks, this is how much life sucks for me.

SparkleKitty

SB, how much real life support do you have? Friends, family, church, a therapist maybe?

I read a lot of black and white thinking in your posts, and that’s really familiar to me. Therapy helped me out of my all-or-nothing mentality and helped me move forward in a healthy way.

qtpi

Why do you think he is the only man in existence? He is not the last man on Earth.

qtpi

If you feel suicidal you need immediate help. Please call 911 or the police. Call your family or a good friend and ask them to stay with you until help arrives.

Springbabe

Every man I know is either married or not my type or I'm not their type...or they drink. Every day I fantasize about a world where alcohol does not exist. Wow.

I suppose I can survive this. If my late grandmother survived years of an angry alcoholic husband whilst bringing up 4 children, then I can survive a borderline alcoholic that only binge drinks about 3-4 times a month.
It's so hard to tear myself away from him when there's so many good things about him that I love when he's not drunk, like having our retreat holidays away in the peaceful moors of Scotland a couple of times a year (he doesn't drink at all then), and the way he makes me laugh, and how we get on like a house on fire (except when the subject of drinking gets brought up), and how we discuss our day, and the comfortable routine we are in, and my job that I love is just round the corner from our apartment (well, not literally but it's in the same city), and the way his family get on with me, and how my social life has got more active since I've been with him, and the way we both love beaches, thunderstorms and long romantic walks, and how he trusts me whenever I go out to see family or a friend, and how we have cosy nights in with a movie and delicious meals...
It all happens when he's not drunk. Then, all of a sudden, when I least expect it, he has been drinking whilst I'm at work, and I have to endure a drunken idiot saying stupid things and being heartless. Then the next morning he wonders why I'm upset, and when I tell him why, he says "oh, you worry too much, just stop going on about it, I've forgotten about it, so should you." Then I look at him, realise how hunky he is, and stupidly forgive him. Until, like, a week or two later, when it all happens all over again.
Will I get used to it? I hope so.
Is this better than boring, lonely, mundane single life? Maybe.

When I say no support I mean no outside support. My family are supportive, but I don't want to drag them into this and burden myself on to them.

No, I am not calling the American emergancy service. It'd be a bit far for them to travel to save me from an empty suicide threat. And I don't want to call 999 either because I'd just be wasting their time. I'm sure they have plenty of dramatic attention-seekers to deal with, although I'm not an attention-seeker. I prefer sympathy and reassurance. That's what I thought I'd get out of this forum. Instead it's all just blunt, matter-of-fact, 'easy said than done' advice.

trailmix

Well actually it's not. If you read through the responses you have been given it's full of different suggestions that might help you.

You are bitter and that's not a good emotion to dwell in, you already know that.

The thing is, yes, if you decide to stay with him you can expect more of the same. Now I could sugar coat that and say, well if he is nice most of the time may you can give it a go and you will get used to it after a while. Maybe some time in the future he will stop drinking or maybe his drinking won't progress. Ignore the hurtful things he says to you, it's just drunken quacking.

I think if I said all that you would probably post back that i'm full of crap - and you would be right because I don't KNOW any of this stuff at all and it's just supporting "magical" thinking.

See what I mean?

People here give you advice based on their experience, take what you like and leave the rest.

As for the 911 advice, that was someone looking out for your welfare in the kindest way.

Berrybean

Will you get used to living with an occasionally abusive partner? Never knowing for certain if it's safe to bring friends or family back to your home in case this is 'one of those times'. Thankfully you haven't mentioned the idea of bringing kids into this, because believe me, it's scary and sad having an unpredictable parent and not feeling like you can have your pals pop round to play, and watching your mum get bellowed at for no good reason and her take it. But then, your family has had alcoholism in it so you can always ask the family members who grew up with that to tell you more about their experiences, and how theyd feel about you staying with an alcoholic. The ACOA book is a good read as well if you think that the alcoholic dysfunction in previous generations may have affected you (and it may well have done). It's available online. I bought mine via Amazon.

You know, I suspect that another reason you don't want to talk to your family is that you know that they're not likely to give you that sympathy and encouragement that you were hoping for. Like you're getting pissy with the people on here not saying what you want to hear.

Alcohol is progressive. This will get worse. And if he thinks this is okay now, at the start of the relationship, it will get worse. If you can look at him and see how hunky he is and think towards the next holiday and that is enough to make it okay, then that's your choice. The advise given maybe easier said than done. The people giving it DID it already in many cases. They know that it's easier to say it than to do it, but they also know that as difficult as it was, it was worth doing because it means they can live in peace and they have been freed to find healthier and happier relationships.

You have the choice of giving Right-now-you what she wants, or the Future-You what she needs. The wise way is to think about what will bring long term peace and joy. To pyt what we need over what we want.
To turn our back on instant gratification for something more hard won. But, only you can make that decision. Maybe it is easier said than done, but it is possible.

BB

tomsteve

I prefer sympathy and reassurance.

ive read both here.
heres a little more reassurance coming from an ex drunk:
if like me, i can reassure you he will drag you down further.
i can reassure you he will do everything possible to keep his hostage.
i can reassure you he has much more ," poor me" he doesnt even know about yet to keep his hostage.
i can ressure you there is much more gloom,dispair,and agony for you.
i can reassure you everything will get worse if you continue acting and thinking the way you are.
i can reassure you the "poor me" stuff(yours-not his) will destroy you.
i can reassure you not many people will want to be around someone that plays the victim.
i can reassure you you have been given a LOT of support and time from hundreds of years of experience of dealing with a drunk in this thread.
i can reassure you there is nothing unique about the situation and the people that have replied have been in your shoes in some way,shape, or form in the past.
i can reassure you there IS a solution for you, but it doesnt involve changing the drunk into prince charming.
i can reassure you there is a better life for you if you work on yourself instead of trying to fix the drunk.
i can reassure you there are stages of alcoholsm and none of them going forward are pretty.


as far as sympathy, i dont do that good. empathy? many here have that and have shown it in their words.

theres a lot of empathy in my own words here. i hope you may find what youre looking for and i hope what youre truly lookin for is yourself.

ifmyou just want to survive for the rest of your life, thats your choice. im sorry you feel that way. life isnt supposed to be about surviving- its about living.

Springbabe

OK I'm sorry if I sounded ungrateful, I was just upset last night and got frustrated. I'm just riddled with disappointment, as I thought he was the man for me. It also hurts to hear that drinkers never change and that the only solution is to leave him. I don't take disappointment very well. OK some posts here seemed blunt and sarcastic but not all. I know you're just trying to help.

dandylion

Springbabe…...I can see some of your genuine obstacles, I think.....in a place that is short in jobs and economic opportunity....that is saturated in alcoholism, little transport, and affordable, available housing.....
I know that is real....and changing circumstances is not easy.....

You sound, to me, like a relatively young woman who has normal desires for nurturing companionship and independence from her family...….
You are faced with one big sticky wicket....you have found some respite...but...with the issue of (another) alcoholic....


My heart goes out to you, Dear One. Please listen to these words from an old Mother...because I have seen a lot of life.....
Humans have an enormous ability, built in, to adjust and adapt....otherwise, our species would not have survived....You have it too....you have it inside of you....
It frequently happens, that a person will find themselves in an unfavorable and barren environment...and their heart and soul wants more...More....Better....
This is where the ability to have a "dream" can save you. If you can dream of a future....if you can fantasize about it...you can have it....If you really, really want it...your innate smarts and resilience will carry you toward your dream...your goal....

Now, you have one big advantage...one big ticket to your future....your training program and a kind of work that you love!! Keep that training program and perform it really well..to completion....
So, you are enjoying the "fruits' of the current relationship....for now. When the satisfaction begins to dwindle...because of the alcoholism that you won't be able to do anything about....your desire for change will come about....It will.
When that time comes....you will have a ticket out of your situation...a transferrable skill and talent....

There is a big wide world...outside of the community...place where you live....
You can go anywhere.....anywhere a bus, or plane, or train, boat, or auto (or your feet) will carry you. There ARE men that don't drink...there are normal men who will treat you with love and kindness and would love to do the things that you listed....dinners and movies, and fun adventures, and beaches and vacations.....and you could make a warm nest with one of them, some day....
It is all out there....outside of your present community....You must believe that...because, I can tell you that it is true.....
It came true for my mother, and for me...and it can for you too.....

Bide your time...wile you finish your training program and get experience. Dream your dream every day....and tuck as much money away as you can....even if it is just a few dollars at a time. Have your boyfriend teach you how to drive...(when he is sober...lol)…..
When your time comes to take flight...to take to the wing...you will "know" it...and, you will be ready.....
You won't be stuck, any more.....

Keep the faith.....

Seren

Hello Springbabe,

I really am sorry for what brings you to this little corner of the internet.

I wish I could give you some magic words to say to make your boyfriend want to be sober, but I can't. There are none.

I wish I could provide you with statistics that show "everyone matures out of addiction", but they don't. It is progressive for the alcoholic unless and until they decide to stop for themselves.

In my experience with my own family members, it came down to a choice--for me. What was I willing to put up with? What sort of treatment could I tolerate, and what was unacceptable? What could I do to make my own life free from drama, chaos, and harm? I learned that my own choices and actions were the only things I could control.

And I will make one statement about alcoholics. They definitely can change. They definitely can recover. Some of the members who have posted on your thread are what we call "double winners". That is, they are alcoholics/addicts in recovery *and* have family members and friends who are addicted. "Triple winners" are those who won the trifecta of being a double winner but were also raised in alcoholic households.

You have a lot on your plate, and potentially a lot of decisions to make. The good news is that you don't have to make them all right now! This minute!

I really am sorry for the pain, frustration, and confusion you feel. You are welcome to come here and vent your feelings any time you need!

Berrybean

Alcoholics CAN change. But not until they want to, and find the willingness to work on their recovery. It doesn't sound like your chap wants to. Even with the drink driving. Until HE thinks that his drinking causes him problems then he won't stop. And even then it will be a tough call.
If you're going to stay with him then alanon is likely to be helpful to you.

BB

qtpi

Spring babe- I wish someone had been blunt with me- I wish I heard it. my XAH used to get drunk say heartless and mean things at night then wake up in the morning and he was wonderful- like nothing had happened. So I am empathetic. I will be blunt here- if you stay with this man, and I am not saying you should, but if you do- get your tubes tied. Don't bring any children into this. Please read what happens to children who grow up with alcoholism. I know you have found some of our replies hurtful, but what you are not looking at is the person who is hurting you the most right now is NOT me or any person on this forum. Why do you think every man in the world is an alcoholic? Your life is just beginning. All of us here wish you peace, love, serenity, safety, good health, and happiness. All of those things are available to you. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Springbabe

I know. Many thanks to everybody here. I am the sort of person who vents my feelings a lot. I cannot keep any feelings bottled up. So sometimes talking anonymously on an internet forum often helps. I will take some advice I've very helpfully received from this thread, like looking at joining the alanon or whatever it's called, and I will post again in the future to let everybody know how things are going.

Thank you to each person that posted in this thread.