Gutted
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 229
Gutted
Things have been ticking along nicely, we are in our 26th year of marriage. Things were not so good 6 months ago due to his job changes and uncertainty surrounding that. He stayed sober though but was moody. However, something in my gut keeps thinking something is not right, I feel he is not emotionally connected. I do everything, plan holidays, weekends away, movies, dinner etc. Even for our anniversary, he gave me a card which was all about himself, his bad traits and then good traits and he was lucky I was still around, hardly romantic. We talked about that this morning.
Anyway, I still feel uneasy. Today he said he was meeting friends to watch the world cup. He called me to go but I had last minute work to do. However, my work arrangements changed so I thought I would go and meet him at the place with his friends and watch the match too. I arrived to surprise him and hey presto he was drinking with his buddies. A huge and hurtful surprise for me. I am not a wreck like I would usually be. I just told him I was done and left, he begged me not to go but I couldn't stay there with his buddies there. I am so disappointed and now know that I really have to plan my exit. Once again he chooses alcohol (just one he says, I know where this will end up) over me, his marriage and family. I was going to leave to a hotel but I want to be rational and plan in the medium to long term instead of running off like I normally do.
He sends me a text saying he wasn't planning on drinking, his friend bugged him (they all drink like fish) and he did. And I thought we were doing so well. I need to sit him down tommorrow and have a frank conversation about where we are going. I am early 50's and cannot do this anymore, I don't have the heart in throat anymore like I used to, part of me is glad I caught him. My gut is always right it seems. He would have come home and lied to my face or lied the next morning, though I would have got a whiff of it. I know this is my problem but its just so cathartic to share here with you all as my friends don't really understand this. It can be lonely on this journey. Today I also good news, I achieved my doctorate but this puts a damper on everything. I would go but the kids are coming for summer and we had planned a lovely holiday together. I want to be calm, rational and civil but I don't want to have to engage with him at all I just want to
Perhaps I have really reached the end, I am calm and resigned
Anyway, I still feel uneasy. Today he said he was meeting friends to watch the world cup. He called me to go but I had last minute work to do. However, my work arrangements changed so I thought I would go and meet him at the place with his friends and watch the match too. I arrived to surprise him and hey presto he was drinking with his buddies. A huge and hurtful surprise for me. I am not a wreck like I would usually be. I just told him I was done and left, he begged me not to go but I couldn't stay there with his buddies there. I am so disappointed and now know that I really have to plan my exit. Once again he chooses alcohol (just one he says, I know where this will end up) over me, his marriage and family. I was going to leave to a hotel but I want to be rational and plan in the medium to long term instead of running off like I normally do.
He sends me a text saying he wasn't planning on drinking, his friend bugged him (they all drink like fish) and he did. And I thought we were doing so well. I need to sit him down tommorrow and have a frank conversation about where we are going. I am early 50's and cannot do this anymore, I don't have the heart in throat anymore like I used to, part of me is glad I caught him. My gut is always right it seems. He would have come home and lied to my face or lied the next morning, though I would have got a whiff of it. I know this is my problem but its just so cathartic to share here with you all as my friends don't really understand this. It can be lonely on this journey. Today I also good news, I achieved my doctorate but this puts a damper on everything. I would go but the kids are coming for summer and we had planned a lovely holiday together. I want to be calm, rational and civil but I don't want to have to engage with him at all I just want to
Perhaps I have really reached the end, I am calm and resigned
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Today I also good news, I achieved my doctorate
Congratulations!!!
It's okay to be mad about the relapse. It's okay to walk out, go find a comfy hotel or b&b, treat yourself well and celebrate the good in this day.
It's okay to deal with this in any way you decide to. Kudos for venting here.
Congratulations!!!
It's okay to be mad about the relapse. It's okay to walk out, go find a comfy hotel or b&b, treat yourself well and celebrate the good in this day.
It's okay to deal with this in any way you decide to. Kudos for venting here.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
A doctorate is huge. Congratulations Dr GU.
Our guts are usually right, especially with people we've known intimately for decades. If he wasn't an A, drinking with his friends would be like a lapse when you're trying to lose weight. With most As it's far more serious because if they could drink now and then they wouldn't qualify.
You mention emotional disconnection. Do you have any idea why that is?
Our guts are usually right, especially with people we've known intimately for decades. If he wasn't an A, drinking with his friends would be like a lapse when you're trying to lose weight. With most As it's far more serious because if they could drink now and then they wouldn't qualify.
You mention emotional disconnection. Do you have any idea why that is?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 229
Originally Posted by Mango212 
Today I also good news, I achieved my doctorate
Congratulations!!!
It's okay to be mad about the relapse. It's okay to walk out, go find a comfy hotel or b&b, treat yourself well and celebrate the good in this day.
It's okay to deal with this in any way you decide to. Kudos for venting here.
Congratulations!!!
It's okay to be mad about the relapse. It's okay to walk out, go find a comfy hotel or b&b, treat yourself well and celebrate the good in this day.
It's okay to deal with this in any way you decide to. Kudos for venting here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 229
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
A doctorate is huge. Congratulations Dr GU.
Our guts are usually right, especially with people we've known intimately for decades. If he wasn't an A, drinking with his friends would be like a lapse when you're trying to lose weight. With most As it's far more serious because if they could drink now and then they wouldn't qualify.
You mention emotional disconnection. Do you have any idea why that is?
Our guts are usually right, especially with people we've known intimately for decades. If he wasn't an A, drinking with his friends would be like a lapse when you're trying to lose weight. With most As it's far more serious because if they could drink now and then they wouldn't qualify.
You mention emotional disconnection. Do you have any idea why that is?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Maybe he could go spend the summer at one of his drinking buddies house? I am so sorry,
I hope your kids coming for the summer lifts your spirits and offers you some comfort.
And congrats, a doctorate, what a huge accomplishment, you can be proud!
I hope your kids coming for the summer lifts your spirits and offers you some comfort.
And congrats, a doctorate, what a huge accomplishment, you can be proud!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
He was not drinking and attending AA, what happened there?
Is the shadiness you are feeling about the drinking perhaps? Someone in recovery isn't out at the bar having drinks with friends.
You mention the anniversary card. That sounds like someone who is totally self-centered to me. That doesn't sound like someone who is in the throes of recovery.
From the little I know of your story it would seem that absolutely nothing has changed? His distance is pretty classic for an alcoholic. I know that people who are not addicts can be emotionally unavailable as well, it's not reserved for addicts but there is a reason they drink, to "feel" or to not feel, perhaps your Husband is in the former group? Is he able to express himself when drinking and not when sober?
Is the shadiness you are feeling about the drinking perhaps? Someone in recovery isn't out at the bar having drinks with friends.
You mention the anniversary card. That sounds like someone who is totally self-centered to me. That doesn't sound like someone who is in the throes of recovery.
From the little I know of your story it would seem that absolutely nothing has changed? His distance is pretty classic for an alcoholic. I know that people who are not addicts can be emotionally unavailable as well, it's not reserved for addicts but there is a reason they drink, to "feel" or to not feel, perhaps your Husband is in the former group? Is he able to express himself when drinking and not when sober?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Dr. Givenup2018!! Super congratulations. And it sounds like you have reached a level of calm wisdom regarding your AH. Always trust that little voice....wishing you much success in your chosen profession, that is such a huge accomplishment.
I hope you can find a way to manage the children's visit without having to "pretend" anything, that is so damaging to everyone's spirit! Praying you can make it all work out for YOUR peace of mind and enjoyment.
Peace,
B.
I hope you can find a way to manage the children's visit without having to "pretend" anything, that is so damaging to everyone's spirit! Praying you can make it all work out for YOUR peace of mind and enjoyment.
Peace,
B.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 229
Originally Posted by trailmix
He was not drinking and attending AA, what happened there?
Is the shadiness you are feeling about the drinking perhaps? Someone in recovery isn't out at the bar having drinks with friends.
You mention the anniversary card. That sounds like someone who is totally self-centered to me. That doesn't sound like someone who is in the throes of recovery.
From the little I know of your story it would seem that absolutely nothing has changed? His distance is pretty classic for an alcoholic. I know that people who are not addicts can be emotionally unavailable as well, it's not reserved for addicts but there is a reason they drink, to "feel" or to not feel, perhaps your Husband is in the former group? Is he able to express himself when drinking and not when sober?
Is the shadiness you are feeling about the drinking perhaps? Someone in recovery isn't out at the bar having drinks with friends.
You mention the anniversary card. That sounds like someone who is totally self-centered to me. That doesn't sound like someone who is in the throes of recovery.
From the little I know of your story it would seem that absolutely nothing has changed? His distance is pretty classic for an alcoholic. I know that people who are not addicts can be emotionally unavailable as well, it's not reserved for addicts but there is a reason they drink, to "feel" or to not feel, perhaps your Husband is in the former group? Is he able to express himself when drinking and not when sober?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 229
I haven't been on the forum for a while, a bit of a mistake as this forum helps so much to put things in perspective. My RAH has fallen off the wagon so many times. We had a lovely Christmas overseas, no drinking but more recently I suspected he was, you know the gut feeling and I found a receipt for beer! I just have to take care of myself, let him self destruct if he wants. I worry about money because he just started a new business and if he destroys that we will be bankrupt. I don't think I am co-dependent but how do you really disengage. I don't even think I want any kind of relationship with him, sexual, friendship anything but I dont want to move out as I might lose my rights to the house etc as all under his name and we live in a country where women's rights are not a priority.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Southern US
Posts: 510
^^^^^
I haven't posted in a long time. Nothing is different, except my way of looking at it. New Years came and went and the resolutions of "wanting to get into shape and quit drinking" went along with it. It is what it is. Currently, I've made my peace with it. I understand how you feel. I have found myself actually looking forward to that point in the evening when AH falls asleep so I can watch whatever I want to on tv. Most recently, it was "Pride and Prejudice".
I haven't posted in a long time. Nothing is different, except my way of looking at it. New Years came and went and the resolutions of "wanting to get into shape and quit drinking" went along with it. It is what it is. Currently, I've made my peace with it. I understand how you feel. I have found myself actually looking forward to that point in the evening when AH falls asleep so I can watch whatever I want to on tv. Most recently, it was "Pride and Prejudice".
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Welcome back Givenup.
Do you actually want to leave? I don't know which country you are in but unless you live in the middle east (broad generalization there) there probably is a community property law.
I would recommend visiting a lawyer for a consultation, it shouldn't cost much if anything and then you know where you stand. It's very empowering to actually have the facts.
Do you actually want to leave? I don't know which country you are in but unless you live in the middle east (broad generalization there) there probably is a community property law.
I would recommend visiting a lawyer for a consultation, it shouldn't cost much if anything and then you know where you stand. It's very empowering to actually have the facts.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 229
Thanks Trailmix, I am not at the stage I want to leave. Kids are away at college, it is just me and him and our dogs. I'm in SE Asia. Most of our assets are in his name due to issues with foreigners owning property etc. So I have to be careful. I am not leaving with nothing as I helped build up our assets too though he did more earning than me. I want a quiet life, don't want the drama, love my home, my dogs so don't want to leave ....yet. He's travelling alot now, though he said he wouldn't be when he started the new business, but I enjoy it when he is away.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Actually managing to finish a doctorate while living with an alcoholic is a big deal. My ExAh derailed mine (yeah I am blaming him). If your husband is not in recovery, there are lots of things he can and will mess up. Being married to shadiness is not safe. I hope you are able to make plans to visit a lawyer even if you are not ready to leave. If he lies about drinking, he will lie about other things as well.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
